Question: 

“I have a 3 year old son and we’re expecting a new baby in a few months.  My friends have warned me to expect a lot of problems from my 3 year old when the baby arrives.  I’ve just ordered a copy of On Becoming PreschoolWise.  Will this book give me some ideas to help get through this time more easily?”

Answer: 

“Your Pre-schooler’s reaction to a new baby in the family will depend a great deal on how he sees his position in your family now.  There is a great chapter in On Becoming Preschoolwise, called “The Choice Addiction.”  In an effort to keep our children happy and avoid “unnecessary” conflict, we often offer WAY too many choices for the “little” things throughout the day, and then wonder why our 3 year old won’t stay in bed come nap time and bed time! Review that chapter and be honest with yourself about the choices you’ve been allowing for one so young.

Closely related to the “Choice Addiction” is demand attention.  You and your 3 year old have just finished lunch and while he is finishing his dessert, you start clearing plates and loading the dishwasher.  He then politely asks, “Mommy, may I have some more milk, please?”  You beam with pride as you immediately stop in the middle of loading the dishes, dry your hands and poor some more milk in his cup.  You’re folding a load of laundry, and your 4 year old asks if you can sit and read a story from her Bible story book.  Your heart swells as you set aside the laundry and pull her onto you lap for a story.  On the surface, these are both lovely opportunities to stop your activity to either encourage the courtesy and provide the drink or stop and spend time with your toddler, not thinking that a potential problem could develop.  Looking at both situations from the child’s perspective, that being, Mommy stops and provides me immediate attention throughout most of the day. So what is going to happen when you are in the middle of bathing or feeding the baby and you need to tell your child to wait until you are done?  Again, from the child’s perspective; “I’ve NEVER had to “wait,” until this new person entered our family!”  Review the first chapter of On Becoming BabyWise, “Your Baby Needs a Family.” Begin now in teaching patience and how to wait for non-emergency attention.  Tell him, “I’ll be happy to poor some more milk for you as soon as I finish loading the dishwasher.  Thank you for asking so politely!”  Tell her, “Oh, I’d love to read you a story.  How about you come over here and have a seat next to me while I finish matching these socks and we can talk about which one to read when I’m finished.”

Once the new baby arrives, try including older siblings with the care of the baby, when appropriate. Preschoolers can help carry the diaper bag out to the car or get Mommy a clean burp cloth.  Consider structuring room time or reading time for your older child/children during baby’s feeding. There are times when I have had the older siblings sit on the couch for some story time while I’m feeding baby. Planned one-on-one time with your preschooler is important too.  “Mommy is going to change baby’s diaper, put him down for a nap and then the two of us will __________together!”

Carve out one on one time with your husband [Couch time], while your son is up and can see you. It’s so special for little ones to see that NOTHING, not even a new baby being added to the family (smile) is going to shake Mom and Dad’s love and loyalty to each other.

One more point to consider.  I know that when a new baby enters the family, it is really easy to rely on TV and DVD’s a bit too much to help keep the older kids content while caring for baby. I found myself falling into this very thing following the birth of my fourth child. Sure enough, within a couple of months, my 2-year-old starting having problems with waking during the night as well as with settling down when it was time to go to bed. We decided to keep the TV and VCR completely off during the week, and only allow a DVD or two on the weekends. I was amazed to see how quickly my 2-year-old’s night time waking completely stopped!”