Question:

The Babywise books have been such a blessing to our family.  Thank you!  Now I hope you can help me with a dilemma we are having with our 1 year old.  It seems every time we go out to eat, as soon as our son is finished eating, he starts fighting and whining to get down from the highchair.  At this age, is it even possible to teach him to sit patiently until we finish our meal?

 Answer:

One of the first principles for parents to remember with any character training is not to expect better behavior from your kids in public than you expect from them at home!  This principle will hold true even when they are teenagers!    So if your goal is that he learns to sit and play quietly after he is finished eating, without whining and fighting to get out of the highchair, then you must be working on this every day at home.  The first place to begin is by re-reading Chapter 4 in Babywise Book II, “Highchair Manners.”  Pay particular attention to the sub-heading “Whining.”  Some of the whining could be a result of frustration from not being able to communicate clearly yet and it is not too late to read and apply Appendix B of the same book.

But let’s say your son learns his signs just fine and he’s frantically signing “Down, Please!”

May I suggest, using a kitchen timer, start with a short amount of “extra” time [3-5 minutes] in the highchair. Once he is able to handle that amount, slowly increase it until he is up to 15 minutes.  If he can handle 15 minutes at home, stretching that to 20 or 30 minutes in public at a restaurant, will not be as difficult, since there is more going on to draw his attention.

The ‘why’ behind using a kitchen timer?  Your son will learn that he will get down from the highchair as a result of the ‘ding’ of the timer, not the length of time he was whining or fussing. This association is really important.

Once your son has completed his meal, tell him that you are setting the timer for 5 minutes and he can snack on cheerios, play with a toy you give him, or however you want him to spend that time. Let him know that as soon as the timer goes ‘ding’, Mommy will take him out of the highchair and he can play.  While he is spending the extra time in the highchair, sit next to him and continue finishing your meal.  If you are not eating at the same time, then just sit at the table enjoying a cup of your favorite beverage, reading a book, having your quiet time, or working on something that requires your attention. The objective is that your son will also learn that he can entertain himself without Mom’s undivided attention.

Many moms find it helpful to have a short “highchair time” each day that is very similar in principle to playpen time. Place a couple of toys on his tray to play, focus, concentrate and interact with.  Since we homeschool, I chose to practice highchair time with my little ones for about 15 minutes each day while working with my older children.  Expect that he may start to whine or fuss. Just calmly tell him that this is his play time and he can get down as soon as the timer goes off, and then go back to whatever you are doing.  Keep your goal in mind – a nice dinner out.