You’ve picked up Preschoolwise for your 3-year-old’s tantrums, Childwise for the back-talk from your 9-year-old, and Preteenwise for your 12-year-old’s moodiness. Have you noticed that there seems to be a common thread with many of these issues? While the books may help by providing some age specific solutions, the list below may prove helpful in working on the ‘root’ of the problem. Ask yourself, ‘is there a…..

1. Lack of oneness in the marriage relationship: disharmony; lack of communication with one another; lack of respect; not being in agreement with each other on instructions to child, training of the child, or discipline of the child; allowing the child to play one parent against the other; no ‘couch time’ or other vehicle demonstrating the priority of your relationship in the home; etc.

2. Lack of structure and routine: nothing is predictable–meal times, bed times, structured learning times, play times, time for chores or other age-related responsibilities, etc.

3. Too many verbal and physical freedoms and too many choices: arguing, complaining, whining, talking back would be examples of verbal freedoms; physical freedoms would involve doing things without asking, child telling you what she will or will not do, kicking, hitting, etc. Too many choices for the child’s age for example, a preschooler having to have a choice on what or when she will eat, what she will wear, where she will sit (the “wise in your own eyes” scenario from the videos).

4. Lack of consistency: As Dad & Mom do we ’say what they mean and mean what they say’ to our children? Do we carry through when we promise her something, thus building trust? Is there a good measure of encouragement when she does do something right? Encouragement is a HUGE part of security as well as motivation for a child. Is there faithfulness in teaching and training as well as discipline and correction?

5. Lack of prayer and trusting God: Do we pray together as a family; pray with the child about the behavior issues; cry out to God for His help when we don’t know what to do, rather than becoming angry and taking matters into our own hands; Ps 50:15 says,” Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor Me.” James 1:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” John 15:5 ends by declaring “without Me, you can do nothing.” God wants us to be fully dependent on Him for the training of our children. Another thing that enters into this root cause is the lack of seeking forgiveness and restoration in the relationship after correction.

6. Selfishness: This enters into all of the other root causes, but is demonstrated in our wanting OUR way, or OUR time, etc. Faithfulness in parenting involves giving of ourselves (sacrifice) even in times when we
don’t feel like it. Phil 2:3-4 says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” There are times when the child’s best interest must be put ahead of our own desires or comfort and that is not ‘child-centered’, rather it is considering the need for training our child’s heart over what we wanted to do at the moment.

These are some things to consider and pray about as you seek Him for resolution to the relationship with, and training of your children. While these causes are not exhaustive–I am sure you can add to them–they are examples.

Edited from notes by Dianne Doty, wife, mom and grandmother.