Lack of self-control is what two year olds are famous for. Commonly called the terrible twos, I really had no idea during the extra sweet baby time period what could possibly be so bad. Of course around 18 months we saw the beginning and now at 2 and half we routinely are working on impulse control. Many have even told me that three’s are even worse!

I think I was under the impression at some point that taking parenting classes would make my child instantly well-behaved. Its my choleric personality that drives me slightly crazy. SO what’s a Mommy to do?

What I have now come to understand (and accept!) is that the tools I learned in GKGW are to be practiced for long time periods before results are routine for children. Here’s the positive side-you will see results at some point if you are consistent in your training. Remember, begin as you mean to go.

Self-control training has been a three fold process for us. First we train in times of non-conflict by practicing “Sit time” where she sits quietly for two minutes with hands and feet crossed, ideally looking at her hands. This is practice for times when sitting still is necessary but also it has become a point of reference, essentially so she understands what we are looking for when we ask her to “fold her hands and get self-control” in public. This practice can be started in small increments of 30 seconds with a digital timer, and work up slowly.

Now I have to admit “sit time” when first explained to me sounded both impossible for a 2 yr old to do, and a little like torture (that’s the sanguine me). But I tried it anyway and have found the practice to be rewarding in real life. Be flexible and know that this is not a punishment but rather a happy mommy training time. Some days don’t go as well as others and that’s OK. Think, that wedding ceremony your child needs to sit through quietly. Or that family birthday dinner that’s gone a little too long.

Second, there are times I am able to anticipate an emotional outburst and shorten or stop it by asking her to get self-control. If I catch it fast enough she can occasionally reel herself back in. This practice helps children to recognize themselves losing control of their emotions but catch it and see how an alternative response is praised by Mom and Dad.

Third, there are the uncontrollable meltdowns we have come to know and love, and/or defiance and refusal to obey. These call for removal of my child from the situation, and isolation. Commonly called a “time-out” by popular culture we use these to help a child to release their emotions and then practice gaining self-control on their own.

Babies can be placed in a crib or playpen without play items, and a timer set for a short time period. Verbal instruction on the expectation to calm down and get self-control is given on the way to isolation. When the timer rings check on the child, possibly console and discuss why the isolation happened. If the child has not gained self-control or refuses to do so, another round may be needed.

Older children can be isolated to a designated spot in the home away from the family, and instructed that they can return to the family when they are “happy”. Apology and love are also required to whomever the emotional outburst was directed.

Finally, lots of love and praise for catching my daughter when she exhibits out of the ordinary self-control has been particularly rewarding for our family. Happy training Mommies everywhere!