Lying

We’ve dealt with lying. Boy, and how! We had a child who lied so often, it was amazing! I’m telling you, you just haven’t lived until a Children’s Church leader has called you because your little darling has asked for prayer from the entire assemblage of children and leaders because her aunt (your sister) has died “while giving birth” to twins! Then try to neatly explain that it’s all just a fabrication. All this while you are trying to convince the church leaders that you are the person to head up a new parenting ministry called, “Growing Kids God’s Way!” I can laugh at this now, because it was almost a dozen years ago!

I always give this example to parents who come to us with the “lying question.” You can see in their eyes that after they hear my story, they feel a whole lot better about their child! Then I look at my daughter and smile as I think, “You’ve come a long way, Baby!” Praise the Lord.

So, how’d we get from horror to praise? Well, here are some of the nuts and bolts we figured out along the way.

It is good to first consider the age of the child, the frequency with which he lies and to contemplate the reason the child is resorting to the behavior (imagination, parental unfairness, etc.). Beyond that there are so many factors to consider.

First, how’s couchtime? It’s amazing how many things can be affected without it. It’s always a good idea to look here first.

Next, how much training has gone into teaching qualities like diligence, honesty, personal responsibility (opposite virtue training)? Teaching the value of honesty is vital. Without giving a “fire and brimstone” message, an earnest conversation from a concerned parent about the way God feels about lying, what lying does to an individual and his relationships and his heart can turn a child around by giving them the big picture they never considered. Singer/Songwriter, Stormie Omartian, told her son, “Satan is a liar… All the evil he does begins with a lie. People who lie believe that lying will make things better for them. But actually, it does just the opposite. That’s because telling a lie means you have aligned yourself with Satan. Every time you lie you give Satan a piece of your heart. The more lies you tell, the more you give place in your heart to Satan’s lying, until eventually you can’t stop yourself from lying.”

Another common factor, is that the child has too much unsupervised time. Sin can breed a type of unhealthy independence that encourages lying. For instance, if the child has been sent to his room to do his homework and he has spent one of the two hours playing around daydreaming, the time of disobedience has fed a false sense of independence. Then when confronted with his sin, his natural inclination is to cover it and because he has already been feeding his sin nature, it doesn’t cause too much discomfort to his heart to lie. Face it, sin is pleasurable. If a child has had a grand time in disobedience, he will continue. Try keeping a bit of a tighter reign on the child – no extended periods of time alone when an instruction has been given.

Another piece of this puzzle is harder to explain, but so consistent, it is impossible to ignore. It is the spiritual factor. If a child has issues with abandonment, they very often lie. This is not to say that children of divorce or adoption are inherently bad * certainly not! However, it seems that something is violated in their hearts that causes them to feel they need to lie. Perhaps they are angry; perhaps they are afraid of losing anyone else and so they cover their mistakes. Whatever it is, it is essential to remember that our battle is not against flesh and blood. We must fight on the spiritual front with our spiritual weapons. Praying over this child and declaring that he is not a liar is essential. Stand fast on your child’s behalf against any lying spirit that would seek to destroy your child’s life.

So, your child has lied. Now what? After evaluating the reasons honestly, how will you react? It is hard not to take lying personally. It hurts! And while it is okay to show your child that you are hurt, disappointed and less likely to trust them as implicitly as you would like to be able to, it is not okay to allow them to feel that there is no forgiveness, no hope for relationship or you will never think of them the same again. God never does that to us no matter what we do.

Naturally there will be consequences. It depends greatly on the pattern of lying and what the lie was about. In our home, if a child lied, it was an automatic chastisable offense. If the child would have had consequences of any kind for the action they are lying about (not doing homework, disobeying, etc.) they received those consequences along with the additional consequence for lying. It is important to separate the offenses. A child must see that he would have been better off to just tell the truth no matter what.

In addition, a time of looking over his shoulder to make sure of compliance and honesty is appropriate. If a child is lying about things outside your home, restrict his activities outside the home. The logic is simple, “If I can’t trust you outside the home, you will have to stay here.”

We had a child look up and write out different verses that reveal how God views lying. It was very eye-opening. It is important that children understand what is at the core of lying.

Lying is no small thing. Few behaviors we confront as parents strike so close to our hearts and threaten our children’s lives and spirits the way lying does. It is important to not underestimate the implications of having a child who lies. And though some issues we face can be met head on and conquered, lying is a battle that we will need to fight on many fronts. It is best to surround the enemy of lying with all your forces and attack wholeheartedly. Remember always that it is lying that is your enemy, NOT the child who is lying. So gather your forces. You’ll need a frontal attack of determination and refusal to accept lying. You’ll flank the sides with training in honesty, virtue, integrity and obedience. You’ll attack from the rear with swift consequences that won’t permit any escaping enemies. And with every move, you’ll make unconditional love your battle cry, reassuring your child that no matter what they do or how much you are hurt, you will always love them. Together, you and your child can route the enemy and have the relationship you want.