The Attitude Spider

There are few things that I can think of that cause more conflict in the family, or indeed anywhere, than bad attitudes. And yet, for all those conflicts, bad attitudes can remain one of the most difficult to get a firm handle on. I know we have struggled with them in our home, so I wanted to offer a few ideas, old reminders really, on how to deal with the attitude spider. Why do I call it an attitude spider? To me, they have many of the same attributes of a spider! Let’s examine them and see if you have noticed the same things.

1. They show up without notice. Have you ever been sitting, doing couchtime with your spouse, and glanced up only to spot some faint, gray, little shape where the wall meets the ceiling? You think perhaps it’s just a shadow. The following night, you glance up again and notice it is still there. Not only that, every few feet, there’s another one and a really giant one in the corner. Finally it dawns on you, these aren’t shadows; these are spider webs! Spring has sprung and with it, a fresh hatching of new baby spiders thinking your home is a perfect place to set up their new neighborhood. I find bad attitudes are the same way. At first you think maybe it’s your imagination or a fluke, suddenly you feel surrounded by them. Time for some Spring Cleaning, but how do you begin?

Begin at the beginning, as they say! The very first place to begin is with husband/wife agreement. If you are not agreed, your battle will be compounded. However, if one parent just does not see it, the parent who does should deal with it in a manner that is still agreeable to both parents. Second, if you have noticed a new behavior, have an out-of-conflict discussion with your child. Something like, “Hey, lately I’ve been noticing _______. That is really not an acceptable way to express your feelings. If you disagree with something, I expect you to tell me in a calm, mature way. I want to hear what you’re thinking, but we have to communicate respectfully.” Warn them gently that if they persist, they will have consequences. Then when something happens, deal with it! (We’ll talk about how in just a minute.) Don’t let it sit there and multiply! Remember, baby behaviors don’t go away; they just get bigger, spread out and multiply. Just as “last resort spanking” is pure folly, so is a last resort response to an attitude.

2. Spiders disguise themselves, at least that’s the way it appears to me. Say you’ve been spending time sweeping down all those cobwebs and you have spiders on the brain. Suddenly on the back of your husband’s T-shirt you spy something black and gangly! You whack at it and he whirls around with a “Hey!” You defend yourself, claiming you are sure you saw a spider there! He inspects his shirt and says, “It was probably just a thread.” No one knows; the mystery object is gone. Have you ever been sure you heard a huff after your child left the room, or been positive those eyes took a trip to the back of their sockets, only to have your child promise it never happened? What do you do with that?

Oh, what a pain this one is! Oftentimes, I’ve said, “Okay, you are not characterized by this, so I will believe you.” Sometimes that’s difficult to let go of, but remember that the Lord is just and you can ask Him to make your child’s heart clear to you both. There have been times, however, when a child has become characterized by having a bad attitude. In those cases, you can say the opposite: “I’m sorry, but you are characterized by this, so I’m going to go with what I saw. You will have a consequence. When you are no longer characterized by having a bad attitude, I will believe you.” That can be painful to hear and to say, but our children must know that they are judged by their characterization – not just at home, but everywhere they go. You stand or fall by characterization. Also, we are responsible to teach our children what socially acceptable behavior looks like. If they looked irritated, whether they meant to or not is irrelevant. If they make that face, it will be interpreted the same way by anyone: teacher, coach, pastor or friend. It’s called the universal language of Body Language. Teach your children that whether they like it or not, they speak it and are judged by it.

3. Spiders can be threatening. I remember once when I was a young girl, my dad was out of town and a tarantula picked that night to suction itself to the ceiling in my sister’s room. (Ladies, isn’t this always the kind of stuff that only happens when our man is away?) My mom and I were the only ones home and we were terrified! My mom called her dad who graciously came over to do battle. The terribly awkward thing about a spider on the ceiling is that if you hit it, it will fall and I believe Murphy’s Law states it will fall on you. Dealing with an attitude can feel nearly as intimidating! You know that if you get in there with it, it could come flying at you! How do you get up the nerve to face it?

It’s true that sometimes things get worse before they get better. But having a peaceful home does not always mean that we are completely without conflict. In order to have true peace, family members must have peace with one another. False peace is no peace at all. To place a bandage over problems only causes them to fester. First you must get the bitterness dealt with; then healing will come. It’s called conflict for resolution and it’s biblical. The best way to maintain your nerve to continue to take your stand against attitude, is to keep your goal in mind. We want our children to be mature; bad attitudes are immature. We want our children to be able to get along with others; we must teach them how to respectfully disagree with professors, bosses, spouses, even pastors. We want our children to continue to have a healthy relationship with us throughout their lives; we must create a relationship built on mutual trust and respect. Keep your goals in mind and you’ll be willing to lovingly confront when necessary.

4. Spiders move in all different directions. Have you ever chased a spider? They don’t have eight legs for nothing! They are well created for getting away. And although not as horrifyingly unpredictable as chasing a cricket, they can still give you a run for your money. I’ve seen this with attitudes. There have been times I’ve tried to correct an attitude and that bloomin’ thing has snuck out from where I was sure I had it and is now saying something out of the blue! Often these phrases start with, “Well, I was just…” or “Well, you always/never…” or “I don’t see why…” Sneaky things, those attitude spiders. How are you going to catch them?

First and foremost, don’t let that attitude get the best of you. Often we end up on the territory of that attitude instead of sticking to our territory. We most often do this in three ways. 1) We let them push our buttons. We know our kids well, but they also know us! They know what thing they can say or do that will send us into retreat or fury, whether they are trying to use the self-pity card, the blame card or the anger card. Keep your cool and stand your ground! 2) They lead us on a goose chase. You can find yourself going over all kinds of issues until you are lost and can’t remember what you were after in the first place! Stick to the topic at hand and don’t get drawn off course! 3) They just plain wear us out. Oh, to go back to the days when we just had to physically run around after them! Now it’s mostly a mental and emotional exhaustion that sets in. It can be tempting to just accept the attitude. It’s so much trouble to deal with. But don’t give up! Get strength from the Lord to go on! You can do this!

5. I’ve heard that spiders are our friends. After all they have useful qualities – catching other insects and all that. Perhaps I should just leave them alone and let them do their job; after all, it is nature’s way. If I’m a big enough person, they shouldn’t really affect me. Again, I’ve heard the same thing about attitudes. “It’s just their way of becoming independent.” “You don’t want to squash their ability to think for themselves.” “It’s always this way with teens; just accept it.” Who’s right? Should I just let my child grow into an adult this way?

Culture is always trying to lull us into complacency on this issue. The truth is that we definitely want our children to grow into independent adults (if you don’t, get help!). None of us should desire to squash their ability to think for themselves. These are not the questions. The questions are: What is the best way to accomplish these goals and what is the godly way of doing it? Maturity isn’t having a loud opinion. Maturity is wisdom that comes through teachability. In my opinion, being teachable is a hallmark of being mature. Even as an adult, the more teachable I am, the more wise and mature I become.

Spiders are helpful, but I don’t want them in my house! Likewise, our children need to be able to stand up against wrong thinking in the myriad of settings they will face it throughout their lives. Spiders aren’t the only way to kill the insects; our kids need to be given the tools to stand up without using the attitude spider. They will only be heard if they are respectful. Our children need to eventually become independent, but this comes best through being released, not tearing away. Also, keep in mind that our children are being fed this worldly philosophy at every turn. They need to be taught that, in your home, they do not have to worry about this – you fully intend to encourage their independence at the appropriate time and you want to hear their opinions whenever they are stated in a respectful manner.

6. Some years, I really think ahead and Tim goes out and sprays all around our home and we never have a spider issue. Some years they get the upper hand and we must fumigate inside and out as well as track down the already established spiders. How do we prevent attitude spiders in our children and when they test this boundary (or complete overstep it) how do we deal with it?

As with anything, prevention is the most effective cure. Prayer is the most effective preventive measure you can take against attacks of selfishness, self-pity, pride, anger, bitterness, etc. Keep your family covered in prayer. Also, setting a tone of joy in your home is an essential fumigation method. This involves what you listen to, watch, speak and … your own example (you had to know that stinker was coming). Speaking out your expectations and goals (as stated under number 5) can also put to rest concerns your children have and establish a vision for the future. Growing a relationship is another essential. Spend time with your child having fun and sharing each other’s hearts.

If those attitude spiders show up, here are some possible tacks you can take. First, the ever helpful “pre-activity encouragement” can be the ally of both you and your child. If they are struggling with attitudes and you know you are about to tell them something that could cause them to slip up, warn them to maintain a good attitude before you lower the boom. Though this should not be necessary 100% of the time and should be tapered off, it may prove very helpful in avoiding trouble and clueing them in to what they are doing. When the time comes for consequences, what is most logical? If a child can not behave in a socially acceptable way towards you or the family, they should not be allowed to interact socially. This can mean different things for different children, depending on what is most effective with your child and the privileges they have that you can revoke. If they are younger, they may need isolation or a lost opportunity with a friend. If they are older, they can loose phone, email or Facebook privileges. Regardless of what privilege you revoke, repentance, forgiveness and restoration must precede those privileges being reinstated.

Finally, it is imperative that you remember two things. First, if you are going to kill a spider, it is not necessary that you become a spider. In the same way, you must be sure to maintain a good attitude when correcting a bad one. You must continue to be respectful in the face of disrespect. A hypocritical parent is the least effective. Second, if I am going to squash a spider, I am going to be careful to only squash the spider. I am not going to knock a hole in my wall or even scratch the paint! Remember that your child is not the spider; the bad attitude is the spider. Your child is precious and deserves your love regardless of how he is acting. Make sure your child can hear the difference between what they are doing and who they are. Make sure not to set your child in stone with phrases that begin with “You always/never….” Make sure they fully get the sense that you are trying to remove a splinter you see, not amputate their finger. Speak hope and life and encouragement more than you speak correction. Squash the attitude, not your child.