After waking from her afternoon nap, two-year-old Gracie predictably went to her father’s office, nudged him out of his seat and led him to the kitchen where she pointed to the crackers. Dad would oblige Gracie with two or three. When she pointed for more however, Dad would say “No”, and then brace himself for another round of meltdowns. How should Dad (or Mom), handle a challenge like this? Dad doesn’t want to spoil her dinner with snacks, nor go through another meltdown. But neither does he want to disappoint his daughter. Finding the right solution begins by look­ing for the actual cause. Just for a moment, we’ll step away from the world of a toddler and use an adult illustration to make the point.

One morning, Gary informs Anne Marie that he is going to prepare breakfast for both of them. In the kitchen, Gary puts out a couple of bowls for cereal and some milk. He then invites Anne Marie to join him. Gary’s menu selection of cold cereal did not evoke any disappointment from Anne Marie because she had no expecta­tions of what he was going to serve.

Now add this little twist. What if Gary said, “Hon, I’m going downstairs to make you the best breakfast you ever had, with all of your favorite breakfast foods.” Anne Marie eventually joins him in the kitchen only to discover two bowls of cereal and a glass of milk set out for her. The prob­ability is very high that she will experience some disappointment with Gary’s menu (even though she is much too kind to say so). This is because Gary created an expec­tation that was far greater than a bowl of cold cereal.

The point of this comparison is to show the natural link between failed expectations and disappointment. A similar response is also common in children. Gracie had expectations about her snack and her expectation led to disappointment because she was counting on something she did not get. In her little mind she planned the menu and wanted to control the number of crackers at snack time. So when Dad said “No” to extra crackers, disappointment was the natural reaction. What might the solution be? Someone in authority needs to manage Gracie’s expectations.

Instead of Gracie pulling Dad to the kitchen for a 4:00 pm snack, Dad should initiate the snack time with Gracie and not wait for her to come to him after napping. Dad needs to be the one taking Gracie to the kitchen. In this way, he is managing her snack expectations by removing it from her. In fact, when Dad became proactive with this solution, Gracie’s meltdowns ceased even though the fun snack time with Dad continued as normal.

Instead of expectation, you actually end up with the budding virtue of appreciation. We all tend to appreciate favors when we have no expectation. That became the case with Gracie. Here is the general principle — whenever you sense a meltdown com­ing on with your toddler, look first to see if the child has an unrealistic expectation. Is it an expectation that you can manage on his or her behalf? Once you grasp the principle of managing your child’s expec­tations it will become a handy tool for the next several years of your parenting.