Appetite, we have all experienced it. Even now as I write this section, my mind drifts to the pleasant memory of last night’s din­ner. There is a tempting slice of pizza left over and while I realize that I’m not really hungry, my memory tells me that the taste of mozzarella is something I would really enjoy, even though I had breakfast an hour ago. So how is it that our tummy says “No” to food, but our pleasure senses scream, “Bring it on”? That’s what appetite does. Appetite does not respond to need but to want. It’s a pleasure sensation, triggered by the sight, smell and memory of the plea­sure of food.

Unfortunately, we tend to interchange the words, hunger and appetite as if they mean the same thing. They don’t because they are two completely different biological processes. Hunger is a physical sensation. It is a response caused by a drop in blood sugar, which in turn sends a message to the brain calling for more food. Appetite on the other hand, is external and driven by desire, regardless of actual need.

How does this apply to toddlers and mealtime? If you’re the type of mother who is concerned that your child will not get enough food, there is a tendency to allow the child’s appetite to control what you serve rather than his actual hunger. You place scrambled eggs in front of your two-year-old, who rejects them outright — even though they were fine yesterday. So you ask, “Would you like toast instead?” When your toddler hesitates, you then say, “Okay, how about toast with a little jam on it?”

Wait! Who is in control here? Is it Mom or the child’s appetite? There will always be a time for fun foods, but when they are served to the point that Mom is no longer making the food decisions, then she fosters an unwelcome mealtime habit — the unpredictable spirit of the ‘picky eater’.

Because the health and safety of children is a big concern for parents, one simple way to keep your toddler safe in parking lots, or anywhere else when Mom’s attention is divided, is to direct your child to place his hand on the car. Using the phrase “hands on car” provides a concrete meaning to “don’t move” and is much more effective than Mom constantly repeating, “stay close to the car”, “stand still” or “stop”.

To facilitate the learning process and to make it fun for the child, you may consider placing a sticker of their favorite charac­ter such as Elmo, Pooh Bear, or Thomas the Train on the car, and then direct your son or daughter to place their hand on the sticker. We suggest you begin this training by practicing at home, in the safety of your own driveway.

“Hands on car” is another form of self-control and one that can be easily trans­ferred to other venues where you need your child to be still and safe. “Hands on the shopping cart”, “Hands on the counter” and “Hands on Mommy”, are all simple phrases your toddler can understand and obey. The small investment of time you put into this training can pay big dividends when it comes to the health and safety of your child.

Watching a wide-eyed toddler smile as Dad gently blows the tuft of silky hair of spring’s last dandelion heavenward and then, seeing the spontaneous clapping of little hands, bears witness to the amazing reservoir of joy he has and gives. A toddler takes his mother’s hand and pulls her toward the toy box because he remembers the pleasure of yesterday’s play and wants to share another similar moment. When little hands pull a face close to touch noses or plant a kiss, a world of turmoil comes under the spell of a toddler’s love. Toddlers have a unique and powerful persuasive­ness about them. They enjoy a time of innocence and play, when the joy of one discovery simply melts into the next and when every waking moment has a new adventure waiting just around the corner. The second year of life is an amazing, spontaneous, engaging, yet challenging time for child. Because his mind is driven by curiosity and a tendency to try and rule the world with a smile or a scream, it becomes essential to consider the many influence shaping his life.

Over the next several post, we will take up a number of topics specifically targeting the wonderful world of toddlers and how Moms and Dads can keep their little person safe, on track developmentally, and pointed in the ‘way he should go’. Enjoy.

• Think For Yourself: Okay, this isn’t my personal reason. This is from Toddlerwise. “The less skillfully you think, the more others will think for you” (page 63). There is a lot of knowledge available out there. There are a lot of differing opinions on how to raise children. No two systems are the same, obviously. If they were, there would be no need for both. When you read several different theories, you run the risk of confusing yourself and creating inconsistencies in your parenting. However, reading different theories can give you a deep pool of knowledge to draw from. You will be most successful at this if you understand your Beliefs and Goals (Toddlerwise) (found in this chapter) and can problem solve using those beliefs and goals (see Problem Solving Using Beliefs, Goals, Why, and How ). You must be able to discern what is right for you and your family. No book can tell you that. If you rely on a book, or several books, you will all be confused.
• Children Are Individuals: I have three children. While they all have similarities with each other, no two have been the same. When I had my second child, I had to consciously tell myself that she was not my son. She didn’t have the same preferences he did. For example, he hated to be cold. She hated to be hot. I could not treat her as the same baby that he was. My third child is, naturally, also an individual person. I haven’t had to remind myself to treat her as an individual now that I have been skillfully practicing that for over two years, but I have recognized that she is her own self. No book can successfully tell you what to do with your individual child unless you write it yourself, and by then it will be after you have problem solved and gotten to know your child. You need to learn how to think so you can take the principles you agree with and want to apply to your family and turn them into reality for your individual child.
• Books Are Short: No book can possibly cover every scenario you will ever encounter. You wouldn’t be willing to pay the price for that book–it would cost too much . If you know the “why” behind what you are doing, you can tailor things to your child as an individual. If you rely on “if X then Y” statements, then you will find yourself in a panic when X happens and the book didn’t cover it.
• Children Are Human: Your child is a human, not a math equation. She has emotions and physical pain and a mind of her own. Perhaps “If X then Y” is often true for your baby and for most babies. But along comes a moment when “If X is not Y”–it is actually B, or more accurately, some obscure letter you have never heard of before. Yes, this happens. If you rely on a list of equations, you will often be applying a remedy that is not going to solve the problem. And, interesting to note, that as you progress in mathematics, the problems become abstract. I don’t have personal experience with this as an English major, but my husband, the engineer, tells me this is true. So even advanced math is not as simple as “If X then Y.” Your child, the human, is more complex than any math problem.
• Bumps Are Normal: Without a doubt, even the easiest baby will come to bumps in the road. As I said, babies are human. Humans are not perfect. Your baby is no more perfect at being a baby than you are at being a parent. If you have bad days, if you make mistakes, rest assured your baby will too. Sometimes bumps are something predictable like a growth spurt. Sometimes bumps might just be because your baby is having an off day for a reason you will never know. The reasons for bumps are as varied as children are themselves. No book can predict all bumps and therefore it cannot tell you what to do in every situation. You need to know the why behind what you are doing so you can access the situation and handle it appropriately.

I hope I have effectively convinced you to learn how to think. If you haven’t done so, get your hands on this chapter, The Land of Good Reason, and read it. I think it is even valuable for a parent of a one month old. It will help you see the bigger picture of what you are doing and help you avoid becoming legalistic in your parenting.

My Blog: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/

The following is another wonderful response received from long time friend and ministry partner, Scott H. My request was sent to parents of ‘older’ boys, asking for input regarding the necessary preparation to help a ‘young man’ keep his way pure? [Ps. 119:9] Given the sensitivity of the topic, I’ve done some minor editing and thank Scott for permission to share what follows.

Scott wrote: I guess I fit the description you are looking for, having three teenage sons, 19, 17 and 15. My 15 year old is just starting into puberty, with temptations still largely revolving around mischief and pranks. He is just now getting to the point where girls are no longer repulsive.

The older two are doing very well in handling the temptations that come with ‘becoming young men’. My 17 year old likes girls, but has no interest in “dating” or having a “girl” friend. He is friends with all the girls at church (our youth group is only about 20 teens), and has his focus on school and his hobbies. Our eldest has had two episodes where he was concentrating on a particular young lady with great interest but backing off after finding they were not quite what they where presenting themselves to be. He wrestled with the last one for several weeks feeling he had been deceived. These were tough lessons, but he did finally acknowledge that dad’s advice was pretty good and think he will be more careful to follow it in the future.

To answer the question regarding the ability to “find a way of escape”, that I attribute to their walk with the Lord. Every other thing we have done only augments what we have tried to instill into them about being holy above all else. We have a lot of theological discussion in our home about handling all aspects of life. Teaching them to respond correctly to temptations while they were young and instilling into them a sense of responsibility as done in the GKGW series well prepared them for the new temptations they would face, as they became young men. We read a lot of books out loud while the boys were growing up and those always sparked good discussion about living a godly life in practical terms.

My wife and I have followed the advice given in the Moral Innocence series from an early age, added to that concepts of courtship instead of dating (as in Josh Harris’ book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye) and similar materials. (We have taught them to be a FIG (Friend In God) instead of a date). These all emphasize teaching the boys to treat girls with great respect from an early age and to become their protectors. They have taken to heart the Biblical roles they are preparing for as godly young men. In addition, we have given them some “rights of passage” along the way to mark their progress. The Making of a Modern Day Knight has been helpful in this. At age 16 we ask 8-10 godly men from the church to share with our sons what we believe their responsibilities are to God, family, women, society, peers, driving and facing fear, all of which are part of being a man.  We then commit ourselves to holding them accountable to learn and meet these responsibilities.

In our family we talk about nearly everything around the dinner table and topics of male/female relationships have been common, especially as they have seen their friends get hurt / stumble. When our family doctor told us our boys were entering puberty, I took each of the boys out and talked to them privately explaining the physical changes they would be experiencing as well as how to cope with the changes and also, my expectations of them. Thankfully, I have a very strong and open relationship with all three of my sons, but that has taken work on both sides. I have learned to change my schedule to take advantage of those times when each son wanted to talk and needed to talk, as well as being pro-active in pursuing them when they seemed to be getting a bit distant.

From the protective side, we have been careful about what they have been exposed to through the various media and in relationships. We chose to home school all three boys, providing exposure to the world in bits and pieces as they were ready for it through sports, Boy Scouts, employment and in college (Our eldest started at the local Community College at age 16, but was only allowed to take certain classes until we believed he was ready to handle the perversions of history and morality presented in the social science classes). Their worldview had a solid foundation laid before allowing it to face the full brunt of the storms of secular society.

Those are some initial thoughts. Not having any daughters (nor did I have any sisters) I am without any experience in that area. Son’s (and brothers) I know well and believe I am blessed beyond measure in observing how our two oldest son’s have become upstanding young men who have already taken leadership positions in their generation to help their peers walk with God and to resist conformity to this world.