You’ve picked up Preschoolwise for your 3-year-old’s tantrums, Childwise for the back-talk from your 9-year-old, and Preteenwise for your 12-year-old’s moodiness. Have you noticed that there seems to be a common thread with many of these issues? While the books may help by providing some age specific solutions, the list below may prove helpful in working on the ‘root’ of the problem. Ask yourself, ‘is there a…..

1. Lack of oneness in the marriage relationship: disharmony; lack of communication with one another; lack of respect; not being in agreement with each other on instructions to child, training of the child, or discipline of the child; allowing the child to play one parent against the other; no ‘couch time’ or other vehicle demonstrating the priority of your relationship in the home; etc.

2. Lack of structure and routine: nothing is predictable–meal times, bed times, structured learning times, play times, time for chores or other age-related responsibilities, etc.

3. Too many verbal and physical freedoms and too many choices: arguing, complaining, whining, talking back would be examples of verbal freedoms; physical freedoms would involve doing things without asking, child telling you what she will or will not do, kicking, hitting, etc. Too many choices for the child’s age for example, a preschooler having to have a choice on what or when she will eat, what she will wear, where she will sit (the “wise in your own eyes” scenario from the videos).

4. Lack of consistency: As Dad & Mom do we ’say what they mean and mean what they say’ to our children? Do we carry through when we promise her something, thus building trust? Is there a good measure of encouragement when she does do something right? Encouragement is a HUGE part of security as well as motivation for a child. Is there faithfulness in teaching and training as well as discipline and correction?

5. Lack of prayer and trusting God: Do we pray together as a family; pray with the child about the behavior issues; cry out to God for His help when we don’t know what to do, rather than becoming angry and taking matters into our own hands; Ps 50:15 says,” Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor Me.” James 1:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” John 15:5 ends by declaring “without Me, you can do nothing.” God wants us to be fully dependent on Him for the training of our children. Another thing that enters into this root cause is the lack of seeking forgiveness and restoration in the relationship after correction.

6. Selfishness: This enters into all of the other root causes, but is demonstrated in our wanting OUR way, or OUR time, etc. Faithfulness in parenting involves giving of ourselves (sacrifice) even in times when we
don’t feel like it. Phil 2:3-4 says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” There are times when the child’s best interest must be put ahead of our own desires or comfort and that is not ‘child-centered’, rather it is considering the need for training our child’s heart over what we wanted to do at the moment.

These are some things to consider and pray about as you seek Him for resolution to the relationship with, and training of your children. While these causes are not exhaustive–I am sure you can add to them–they are examples.

Edited from notes by Dianne Doty, wife, mom and grandmother.

Mondays are normally our “get back to the routine” day, but this Monday I was feeling especially sanguine and let the day just be fun. Why? you say after all the discussion of the merit of routine would I do this? Because this Monday was my birthday, everyone else was working, and I was feeling especially old because I’m turning 33- Why does 33 seem old to me?

When I was 10 yrs old I told my entire 3rd grade class how my Mom was too old to be having a baby at 33.

Here I am at 33 with a two year old! Funny how it all comes around.

It all started with breakfast in bed (thanks Daddy!). Isabelle thought this was very cool, then outside to watch the garbage truck which turned into playing with the hose as we washed the recycle bins and garbage can together, this was also very fun because we were still in pj’s and got soaked!

Isabelle asked to play in the backyard (in just her diaper now) to which I replied, “for just a few moments” and she said, “Mommy, get the bell.” I am telling you those kitchen timers are like magic to toddlers!

Once clean and dressed, off to Target and then to Chic-Fil-A, my favorite fast food, but I rarely indulge in as of late. In our local Chic-Fil-A the indoor play area is just a tad too big for Isabelle. She can get in but getting out…the last time I ventured to Chic-Fil-A due to invitation from a Mom friend I almost had a chlosterphobic attack inside the tube slide as 5 older children all slid on top of me as I guarded my sweet baby and eased her out.

So we ate and she begged to go play…I explained the rules that if she goes up she must get out by herself, as I reflected back and broke into a sweat. She agreed and was off. Moments later an older little girl obviously noticing my anxiety over the situation informed me that there were “mean boys” inside. I politely asked her to go up and check on Isabelle, she agreed ….but was easily distracted and gone before making good on the deal.

It was one of those “why did I think this was a good idea” moments. I searched the holes but no sign of her. I paced and thought about going in-you need to know I am 5′8″ and wear at least Large size clothes. This was not something I wanted to do. I rationalized I would hear crying if she were upset.

I prayed, and what I thought to be the “mean boys” came out and back through a few times. Finally I called up the tube slide “Isabelle”, and there it was, the reminder of why I have a routine and do training, the most beautiful 3 little sing song words.

“Yes Mommy coming” (Praise you God!)

Next I saw her cute little shoes scooting down the slide slowly but surely, next her ballerina skirt (its my birthday so I dress her extra cute) and finally her smiling face. Of course tons of Mommy praise followed!

You see we’ve been working on this for some time now, but today was the first public and prompt response I’ve received. And it was right before naptime!

We left Chic-Fil-A with no debate but a little talk of coming again (at least another 3 months from now!) Off to a long nap for her and I set out to clean out my garage and spray it with the pressure washer because choleric Connie simply had had enough of all this and needed to get something done. The pollen has been driving me crazy.

Tonite when I was cuddling and talking with Isabelle she told me “I had good day” - I had to agree
Happy Birthday to Me!

The principles found in Preparation for Parenting and On Becoming Babywise have been educating parents for two decades on the importance of nighttime sleep and how to obtain it with infants. A TIME.com article highlights researchers from Harvard and other institutions who have recently published articles in the Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine addressing the importance of nighttime sleep in children.

The researchers quoted in this article recommend allowing a child to “cry it out” and suggest that parents avoid co-sleeping from the start. The over all focus of this article speaks more to the longer term affects of nighttime sleep. The Time article highlights some problems in older children associated with inadequate nighttime sleep like night terrors, anxiety, depression, and obesity. In response to some of these problems Dr. Elsie Taveras from Harvard says, “There’s room for prevention even in the first month of life.”

The overall theme of the research referenced in the TIME article should be very familiar for those who have read Preparation for Parenting and/or Babywise. In my first reading of Preparation for Parenting I breezed right past the Healthy Sleep Patterns section of chapter three. It was easy as a young parent to get caught up in the immediate benefits of healthy nighttime sleep experienced though PDF (Parent-directed Feeding). Right under my nose was research referenced by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo in Preparation for Parenting linking poor nighttime sleep with emotional, behavioral and learning problems. It is comforting to know that there are longer term benefits to the sleep skills that we have taught our children at a young age.

Near the conclusion of the TIME article you’ll find the following quote:

“The most important message is that there’s a lot we can do to prevent problems from starting — in sleep,” says Taveras. “Parents and pediatricians should keep in mind that children have to develop the capacity to regulate their own sleep early in life and self-soothe themselves during the night.”

This quote should offer some encouragement if you are still “working on” those healthy sleep habits with your little one.

In conclusion of our series on “Structure and Routine”, I want to share some practical tips and things to consider when just starting a schedule. These tips may also be helpful for those who already have a schedule or routine in place.

First let’s define some terms!

Schedule: “A list of times of recurring events, projected operations, a time table”

Routine: “A group of regularly performed specific activities” In other words, if you always do the same thing in the same order it is a routine.

Here are my tips:

• Pray and ask for guidance. “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.” James 1:5-6
• Start small, especially if having a schedule is new to you! Consider even starting with half a day and implement that first. Begin by writing down those “non negotiables” (like meals, naps, couch time, etc) and go from there.
• Don’t try and take someone else’s schedule and make it fit you. Everyone is unique and chances are their schedule just won’t fit YOU. How exasperating! Use sample schedules for activity ideas and to find a format that works for you (IE. blocks, lists, or even an order of activities without times written beside everything).
• Spend some time doing your “homework”. Make record of how you spend your time for a couple of days. Most importantly, time how long activities/chores take so you have a realistic idea and can plan accordingly in your schedule. Otherwise you’ll be frustrated trying to fit too much into time blocks and even into your day as a whole–We only have 24 hours in a day!
• If you feel like you are “running to catch up” to the next thing in your schedule, then it’s likely that you haven’t scheduled enough time for each activity. This is where doing your homework (point above) is so essential!
• You can plan a time for going out into your schedule for a certain time and day. I try to do the most important training first thing in the morning (like quiet time with God, sit time, and First Time Obedience practice) when my children are at their best. This also helps when I need to go out. We can plan for going out later in the morning after this training time.
• The way I handle an unexpected outing is when we come home, we start where ever we are at in our routine rather than trying to “make up” and cram in what we missed while we were out.
• I’ve found that sometimes a schedule ’seems’ not to work when in actuality it is my own self-control that is the issue. It takes a lot of self-control to walk away from the computer or other tasks (that may not be finished yet) and move on to the next thing that has to be done!
• It can be helpful to have larger blocks of time. These larger blocks give a bit of breathing room rather than feeling like every minute is “scheduled”. Larger blocks of time can be especially helpful for those with a Sanguine or Phlegmatic temperament. You might even consider not having “blocks” at all! My Sanguine friend found blocks to be a huge hang up and found freedom in simply having a list of routines. If you haven’t yet, read Connie’s ideas where she says schedules “are impossible and frustrating” . She has a Sanguine personality.
• Try to resist the urge to get your schedule/routines ‘perfect’ before actually using one! Our children always grow and change as do our family circumstances!

I will close with Proverbs 16:3 “Commit thy works unto the Lord, and thy thoughts shall be established.”

Other related posts in this series:

Structure & Routine Series Introduction

Working Mom and Routine

Routine Ideas Part 2

Routine Ideas Part 3

Routines and Temperaments

Structure and Routine with Special Needs

Structure and Routine with Special Needs Part 2

Structure and Routine - Children in School

I’m Sally Niemer and I represent a mother with children in school. My 6 year old son Ross attends Lowcountry Christian Community School 3 days a week and we home school 2 days a week. My four year old son, Dugger, attends Kid’s Day Out at East Cooper Baptist 2 days a week and is at home 3 days a week.

I am a choleric /sanguine. Choleric is the gentile way of saying that I am a bossy, demanding woman with a to-do list. Unlike Connie’s sanguine side that allows her to be cool, crazy Connie and chuck the schedule for fun occasionally, my choleric/sanguine temperament simply knows that my way is the fun way and I want everyone to have fun doing what I say! I struggle with selfishness. I want what I want, when I want it! (on a side note - I believe that this is also a by-product of the child-centered way I was raised!)

Due to our unique school situation, our schedule varies each day. We have a “get up & out to school day” schedule, a “home school day schedule”, and a “Ross school, Dugger home” schedule. I took a week-by-week planner and scheduled each day accordingly. Actually the skeleton (meaning the morning and evening hours) of our schedule does not vary that much day-by-day, but the middle is different.

A schedule has helped me make sure that the truly important things, the eternal things, the goals of our family are put in first. Otherwise, I would bulldoze over them with all types of other “productive, good, fun things”. We want our children to love Jesus, but what am I doing each day that will foster that relationship?

Having a routine has brought peace to our home and order to our day. It has been freeing to a certain degree for me. I have peace knowing that the huge pile of laundry daunting me from the laundry room will “get done” on Monday, the scheduled laundry day, so I can rest on the Sabbath with my family. In addition, I don’t tend to “boss” all the people around me to “do” everything at once since home management tasks are evenly spread among the family members across the week. I like to move fast…..Although I am really bad about doing the kids’ chores. Like when the dog is whining for food, I sometimes think it is easier to just do it and get the dog to stop than to wait for Ross to do his chore. The schedule reminds me that this is Ross’ job and a chance to teach him responsibility.

A schedule has helped me have realistic expectations. Ever double scheduled yourself? A schedule helps me fit in what is necessary and important first (like quiet time with God, church, sleep for the kids, and regular, healthy meals as a family). It helps me to evaluate what I can do and can not add to my life. Say for example, someone calls me to substitute an aerobic class or chair a service program. I can look at the schedule and easily tell if that would be possible or even best for our family.

A schedule helps keeps me on track. Even though I may wake up at 5:30 or 6 am, I can still be late getting the kids to school because I am trying to get one more thing done…finish the dishes, start one more load of laundry, etc. However, looking at my time slotted schedule helped me to see what was really realistic. You see, I thought that since it takes 10 minutes to get to Seacoast from my house, I can leave at 8:20 for the 8:30 service. There was no wiggle room in my plan- no consideration for loading into the car and walking from the car (with kids you know this can take 10 min for sure!).

There is flexibility in my schedule. A schedule, for us, is more of a guideline than a rule and my schedule is slave to me, not me to the schedule. I cannot go by the clock exactly. It is unrealistic for me! Instead, we have series of routines that we perform in generally the same order. Some days chores take longer than others. Sometimes room time extends a bit longer because I am still working on the computer. I have the freedom to be flexible!

God bless the fruits of your labor in creating and implementing a schedule for your family!