Well this is a strange environment for me, for sure. As the 10th of 14 kids, the pastor of a church and the father of seven beautiful children, having an empty house to sit in for a few hours is at least unusual.

Nancy’s getting her hair done; she has our two year old.

Natalie (16) & Mark (13) are at play practice.

Andrew (18) has John (10) & Olivia (5) out buying a Christmas tree.

And Sarah, our oldest has moved away. Her successful photography business and the Lord’s leading have led her to move out of the house this year. Sarah (21), the first born, the guinea pig, and the one we learned on; she probably got more spankings than any of them; so much so we called her “iron-bottom.” We didn’t know any better back then. But Sarah turned out OK. She gave us grace as parents. She loved us and knew we weren’t perfect but she still honored us.

It’s been a long blessed road. Sarah was homeschooled the whole way. Her pleas to go to regular school were not heard. Now, even though some of her younger siblings are getting to go to “regular” school she doesn’t regret our decisions. She knows that her parents were following God’s leading for her life.

Sarah loves the Lord. She owns our values. She’s living to serve, to love, to bless. She’s going to make someone a great wife some day. He’s going to have to be sharp because she is. Sarah is a blessing in our lives. Even though we didn’t do a perfect job Sarah is living her life happy, blessed and growing. She goes to church. She doesn’t need to see a counselor for any deep-seated issues. She calls us regularly and loves us deeply.

Sarah continues to seek my counsel and advice. I love it.

This friendship thing Gary taught about in Growing Kids God’s Way is awesome.

In early 2004, we learned that our daughter Alyssa has Celiac Disease. Celiac Disease is genetic condition where the body does not know how to process Gluten, the protein found in wheat and other grains. In the body’s attempt to digest the gluten, it actually begins to destroy itself. The body absorbs nutrition through small hair-like elements in the small intestine called villi. The villi of a person with Celiac Disease becomes damaged by the body’s mis-processing of gluten and the body’s enzymes attack the villi instead of digesting food. Now that Ami and I have learned that Alyssa has Celiac, there is but one solution - she must stop eating Gluten! That solution is no small matter. Gluten shows up just about everywhere. Bread is an obvious no-no, but there is also Gluten in things like some salad dressings, shredded cheese, french fries, mayonnaise, soy sauce, etc.

Why in the world am I writing about this on a GKGW blog? Well in the midst of it all I learned a lesson about myself and it applies to parenting. I found some rebellion in me. When we heard that we must seek out and eliminate all Gluten from Alyssa’s diet, I rebelled. I thought, “That sounds really hard, and like an overreaction.” I wanted to just avoid bread and not worry about the little sources. I voiced my thoughts to a Celiac expert and he challenged my thoughts. He described how every little bit of gluten would damage the villi and keep it from growing back. In a sense, there would be no point in cutting the large amounts of gluten without getting the small amounts out as well - all the work to make new recipes and avoid the big gluten would be wasted.

As I dwelled upon those thoughts, I believe the Lord showed me that as parents we often work hard to address the large blatant defiance and obedience issues while we ignore the “smaller” issue of attitude. The reality is that if we really care about training the heart, then we must be diligent to address all issues of the heart or we will watch our other efforts fall away worthless. One way I personally struggle in this area is being alert and watchful for attitude. The Celiac must watch everything they eat, read every label, being diligent and careful to recognize and avoid hidden gluten sources. We must “read” our children, know their hearts, sense their attitudes and then be bold enough to say and do something about it.

Reworking our buying habits, redeveloping the recipes and submitting to a new menu and diet was a daunting task, taking a lot of effort to make all the changes needed. But we did it (actually Ami did it). Just as with Celiac Disease, your child’s health and life is at stake. Make the effort to reach every part of your child’s heart and leave no attitude unturned - and watch health, peace, joy and moral strength of character grow in your child!

Permission granted by Tim and Ami Loper of Miracle Books.  The original version of this article can be found in the Winter 2004 edition of “Oh Yeah”.

Have you heard something in a GFI class and decided you’d handle that when it “becomes a problem” for your child? Let me elaborate on our dilemma.

Our daughter, Isabelle, is 2 and 3/4 (every month counts as we close in on the end of the two’s) and my husband and I love to spend lots of time during our night time routine.  It is a very special family time with cuddles, giggles, book reading, story telling, lullaby singing, and praying.

First let me tell you what we have found beneficial. Several months ago my husband added a time of talking and story telling. We have really enjoyed this as we reflect back on the activities of the day, and find that its a great opportunity to focus on nonconflict prep for the next day, or discussion of that day’s events.

Also, we have been working on clever ways to incorporate our training into the “stories”. For example the big skill we are focusing on currently is first time obediance, immediately. So our main character, usually a princess, will be called by her Mommy throughout the story and Isabelle will appropriately respond “Yes, Mommy coming” for the main character in her high princess voice.

Now I understand for some of you crafting a “story” at bedtime may not be your idea of fun-this is an idea from two sanguine temperments, both of whom are writers. But maybe its an idea you can use as a springboard.

Here’s is the problem.  Our daughter began the “one more story”, “one more song”, “one more minute”. And then the tired crying when told no, Mommy said that was the last one. Don’t we all enjoy a good fit right before bed?

Also, night awakenings with requests to sit in the chair and rock had become more frequent. While the 3 am cuddle is sweet, pregnant Mommy does not enjoy this the next day since she has stopped her morning coffee.

We were taught in our Toddlerwise classes to move the night time books, stories, etc into the living room. The idea is to do all your night time routine out of the child’s room so your child learns that when you enter their bedroom its kiss, hug, and good night- no procrastination.  I even remember having the discussion with my husband about it, and we decided we wanted to wait. After all she wasn’t giving us any problems now…and oh don’t we love our time in the glider with her.

But as we were forwarned the problem started and was intensifying with each night. We knew we must do something as we looked into the future of preparing for the move to a big girl bed and increased freedoms. It was also quite daunting thinking of our future of another little one on the way and Mommy needing the glider.

So we did it, we moved the beloved glider downstairs. There was two weeks with a few tears and many requests for “her chair”. We still do our night routine, but we are now teaching that once we enter the bedroom its off to sleep little one.

It reminds me of the Ezzo’s concept of credit card parenting, we got into some debt in this area and now we are working our way out. As we look back the extra sweet time we had in the glider was good memories for us, but was it best for Isabelle. Yes we are remedying the problem now, but the tears are heart wrenching.

I am frequently talking with parents who make choices for their children based on their own desires for love and comfort, but not realizing that they are not taking what’s best for their child’s healthy sleep habits into mind. While I didn’t realize we were doing this ourselves I now see yet another thing I will do differently with my next child.

Isabelle still asks about her “chair” but the tears have stopped, and the sleep is good! Happy parenting!

I work as a dental hygienist two days a week which means my two and half year old daughter, Isabelle, is at my mother-in-law’s one day a week and spends one special day with her Daddy. I was asked to share my thoughts on retraining after a caregiver has been with my child. In my case this is one full day a week and the occasional trip my husband and I take. In addition my sister-in-law babysits most weeks for our date night and small group meeting from church.

Caregivers vary alot in their approach to discipline. Many are open to parents suggestions and are willing to continue your training efforts to the benefit of their own positive success. My first recommendation is to find such a caregiver whenever possible. Keep communication lines open with regular reminders of what skills you are currently working on and how. Remember to keep it short!

Family members can be excellent caregivers because they will love your child more, however this sometimes translates to spoiling. We have learned to value the relationships that our family has with Isabelle and have determined any retraining that is necessary to be worth the time our daughter spends with family, especially those who love the Lord and are living a life of example.

Our “how to” on retraining is two fold. First we are careful to communicate to our family about our training and let them know how they can support us. We know their resolve may not be the same as ours and that’s ok. Second, we are diligent in our training both the day before and after her time away from us, to reinforce our expectations and direction.

Lastly, we cover our daughter in prayer for her self-control development, so she may grow up to become a light for Jesus.

Last thoughts- my Mom ran an in home day care while I lived at home as a teenager and there are many little things I learned. Such as the little girl who walked for the first time, but the strict instructions I received to not tell her Mom that she walked in our home first. And the little boy who spoke in our home because my mother required him to, but wouldn’t say a thing to his own Mom as she allowed his pacifier to stay. And the child who had clearly recovered completely from his “boo-boo” and was playing quietly, but broke into full tears over it when his Mom appeared on the scene.

As I reflected on these times with my Mom we came to a conclusion that I also see in my own life. Children are brilliant and they know the expectations that are present in every care giving environment.

I will note that it seems to me that sometimes we take two steps forward in training and then the day I work its one step back. However, the reason maybe that days when I work MY parental resolve isn’t as strong as it should be. I’ve found its hard to find the energy to correct a child you haven’t seen all day and just want to love on.

Even if you don’t work outside the home there will be times we all need to spend away from our children. Be encouraged that the expectations and training you have done will not disappear, however you may just have to work a little harder to reestablish them upon your return. I believe children become stronger for the challenge.

When our daughter was small and we had unresolved night awakenings I would ask our local contact Mom for her magical solutions. Her first response was always “How’s your couch time?” BTW this is a common response from all GFI alumni, be prepared….

Ok I’ve Gotta admit when our baby was an infant I found this question pretty annoying, I mean really she doesn’t know when we’re doing “couch time”, right?

Here’s a refresher on the “Couch time” idea, if you need it.

Once we have kids its our natural tendency to place all our free time and affection upon them. They are just so crazy cute! And we’ve all done the work to get them asleep at a a reasonable hour so we’ll catch up with our spouse then. Hmmmm…..

Actually, babies and children need a structured time during their day when they see Mom and Dad lovingly communicating and not focusing all their attention on baby. It provides a sense of security on their world which mostly consists of YOU and Your spouse. (If you haven’t taken GKGW I highly recommend this lesson by Gary Ezzo, it was moving for me.)

Here’s the how-to. We put our daughter on a blanket near us with a toy or a book. We tell her Mommy and Daddy are going to do couch time and she must play quietly on the blanket until the bell (kitchen timer) goes off. We started with a couple of minutes and have worked up to 10-15 minutes (depends on if we really have that much to discuss). There have been a few couch times that were short because of her wailing so loudly we couldn’t really hear each other. However, we continued to make it part of our evening routine and she now has come to accept it and even enjoy it!

Guideline: this is not the time to discuss heated subjects. As a matter of fact there are days we know that this excersise almost feels like a show to us but one we lovingly do because we have now seen results of the security it has provided our daughter.

So we work on our couch time, and I’ll admit being married to a pastor and working part-time myself some days it just doesn’t happen. But here is what I have noticed over the past few months. If we miss one night its cool. If we miss two nights its iffy-she may wake up at her favorite “Mommy hold me” time, 3am. If we miss three night its definite-I will see her at 3am, might as well set my alarm.

Needless to say, couch time is really important to me too. Side note: my love language is “quality time” so gazing into my husband’s eyes as we “talk” about our day isn’t so bad for me.

Related post - Ask GFI: Couch Time