For those with younger infants, it’s helpful to begin early putting baby down for naps in different rooms of the house, once or twice a week.  If you have a portable bassinet or portable crib, that’s great, but a playpen works well too, as well as a stroller that can fold down flat for napping.  Once baby is too big for the bassinet, you can still use the playpen for this purpose.

Once your baby is about 6 months old or older, there will be a bit more re-training involved.  Some find it helpful to start with the nighttime sleep in the playpen, others choose naps – the idea is to pick what suits your family best and begin to help your little one work through learning this new skill of falling asleep elsewhere besides his crib. Try starting by placing his playpen or portable crib in his room next to his crib and using it for sleep for a couple of nights or naps in a row.  Once he’s got that down, try moving it into another room of the house, for his naps for a day.  Once he’s fine with napping in it where ever it happens to be, he can move back to his crib, but have him take a nap in the portable crib now and again (once or twice a week) so that it will still feel familiar to him when you do need to use it away from home.

“It seems like every time my newborn is just about to fall asleep, he hits himself in the face and wakes himself up.  I’ve tried swaddling him, but I when I try this, he works himself out of it and the crying just gets worse.”

One of the common culprits to good sleep training, in the early months, is the “startle reflex.”  You have probably seen this in your own baby when he is just about ready to drift off to sleep and suddenly his little arms flail up and he wakes himself up.  This can also happen in the middle of the nap when baby is passing from one sleep cycle to the next.  Swaddling can often help with this issue.

To be most effective, you need to practice getting a good swaddle that is difficult to “wiggle” out of.

Try using an over-sized, lightweight, baby blanket.  Since it’s often hard to find one that is large enough, I made all of mine by just taking a very large piece of baby flannel and hemming the edges.  It needs to be large enough so that you cross his arms across his chest and then wrap  him up, from the arms down, like a little burrito.  Usually 2 to 2  1/2 times around is enough to keep the best escape artists wrapped up.  Now, this isn’t going to work well if you have a little one who likes to suck his fingers or thumb, but at least give the swaddling a try with one arm secured and see if that helps.

• Think For Yourself: Okay, this isn’t my personal reason. This is from Toddlerwise. “The less skillfully you think, the more others will think for you” (page 63). There is a lot of knowledge available out there. There are a lot of differing opinions on how to raise children. No two systems are the same, obviously. If they were, there would be no need for both. When you read several different theories, you run the risk of confusing yourself and creating inconsistencies in your parenting. However, reading different theories can give you a deep pool of knowledge to draw from. You will be most successful at this if you understand your Beliefs and Goals (Toddlerwise) (found in this chapter) and can problem solve using those beliefs and goals (see Problem Solving Using Beliefs, Goals, Why, and How ). You must be able to discern what is right for you and your family. No book can tell you that. If you rely on a book, or several books, you will all be confused.
• Children Are Individuals: I have three children. While they all have similarities with each other, no two have been the same. When I had my second child, I had to consciously tell myself that she was not my son. She didn’t have the same preferences he did. For example, he hated to be cold. She hated to be hot. I could not treat her as the same baby that he was. My third child is, naturally, also an individual person. I haven’t had to remind myself to treat her as an individual now that I have been skillfully practicing that for over two years, but I have recognized that she is her own self. No book can successfully tell you what to do with your individual child unless you write it yourself, and by then it will be after you have problem solved and gotten to know your child. You need to learn how to think so you can take the principles you agree with and want to apply to your family and turn them into reality for your individual child.
• Books Are Short: No book can possibly cover every scenario you will ever encounter. You wouldn’t be willing to pay the price for that book–it would cost too much . If you know the “why” behind what you are doing, you can tailor things to your child as an individual. If you rely on “if X then Y” statements, then you will find yourself in a panic when X happens and the book didn’t cover it.
• Children Are Human: Your child is a human, not a math equation. She has emotions and physical pain and a mind of her own. Perhaps “If X then Y” is often true for your baby and for most babies. But along comes a moment when “If X is not Y”–it is actually B, or more accurately, some obscure letter you have never heard of before. Yes, this happens. If you rely on a list of equations, you will often be applying a remedy that is not going to solve the problem. And, interesting to note, that as you progress in mathematics, the problems become abstract. I don’t have personal experience with this as an English major, but my husband, the engineer, tells me this is true. So even advanced math is not as simple as “If X then Y.” Your child, the human, is more complex than any math problem.
• Bumps Are Normal: Without a doubt, even the easiest baby will come to bumps in the road. As I said, babies are human. Humans are not perfect. Your baby is no more perfect at being a baby than you are at being a parent. If you have bad days, if you make mistakes, rest assured your baby will too. Sometimes bumps are something predictable like a growth spurt. Sometimes bumps might just be because your baby is having an off day for a reason you will never know. The reasons for bumps are as varied as children are themselves. No book can predict all bumps and therefore it cannot tell you what to do in every situation. You need to know the why behind what you are doing so you can access the situation and handle it appropriately.

I hope I have effectively convinced you to learn how to think. If you haven’t done so, get your hands on this chapter, The Land of Good Reason, and read it. I think it is even valuable for a parent of a one month old. It will help you see the bigger picture of what you are doing and help you avoid becoming legalistic in your parenting.

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Babywise II explains it this way: Foolishness is a heart problem while Childishness is a head problem (page 87). The head problem simply needs information. The heart problem is a bigger deal because your child is choosing to do the wrong thing–choosing to disobey. Both require correction, but different methods of correction.

This might seem simple to determine, but if you have a child who is makes both childish and foolish decisions, you know that you as the parent often evaluate the situation incorrectly. Usually you are wrong in that you assume a childish action was done in foolishness. This can happen if you assume your child knows rules that haven’t been explained. You might assume your child should make connections that he just isn’t capable of connecting. Or you might be telling your child to do or don’t do something and he just doesn’t understand what you are saying. He lacks the vocabulary.

For example, you might tell your child to not run. First, does your child know exactly what running is? Even if he is running at the moment you instruct him not to, you can’t assume he will know what running is. He will think through what he was doing and try to figure out what you meant by “run.” Many will try to reenact things they were doing when they were told to not run in order to figure that out, especially if they don’t know how to say, “What does run mean?” Your toddler will be in the preschool years before he really can use words to clarify something like that. So be sure your child knows what it is you are asking of him.

You will see a lot more of the misunderstandings in the younger months. When your six month old blows a raspberry and splatters food all over you during lunch for the first time, you might touch his lips and tell him “That’s a no, you keep your food in your mouth.” The look on your face and tone in your voice will tell your baby he has done something wrong, but he won’t necessarily know what it was. Some might get it right away while others won’t. Those who don’t will usually repeat the action like a little scientist, trying to figure out exactly what wasn’t okay about what he just did. If you stay consistent, he will figure out more quickly what he did wrong. Your child will continue to be a scientist throughout his life as he grows up and tries to figure out exactly what is expected of him.

One morning we were in our church hurrying to our meeting. Our son Brayden was trying to hurry also, and started to run. I instructed him to not run. He was at an age where he knew just what I was talking about, so he didn’t run. He walked really quickly–you know that pace where they are so close to the run–, which wasn’t what I considered to be reverent enough for the church either. I might be able to expect an older child to know that if I tell him not to run that means he must also not walk quickly, but definitely not of a child this young. Also, I had made the mistake of telling him simply what not to do rather than adding in what to do. Further explanation helped him to know what it was I was asking of him. His quick walking in this situation was not a defiant action. He didn’t think, “I’ll show her; I’ll just walk quickly then.” His quick walking was a childish action. He did not yet know exactly what was appropriate and what wasn’t appropriate in the church.

Sometimes you will assume an action that is neither childish nor foolish was foolish. For example, a few days ago my daughter Kaitlyn (22 Months) was sitting on the potty. She reached out and unrolled some toilet paper. This is not something I have ever addressed with her. Brayden never touched it, so it hasn’t occurred to me to talk to Kaitlyn about it. This action was childishness. I told her we don’t play with the toilet paper. She told me “okay Mommy” then immediately reached up to it again. I started to give her my Mommy Glare and tell her that was a no when I realized she wasn’t reaching to play with it; rather she was rolling it back up as it was before she unrolled it in the first place. She was attempting to correct her wrong action. It is good to wait a moment to know exactly what your child is doing before you jump to your conclusion and start to discipline and correct.

In general, a childish act should get a verbal response from the parent. Tell the child no, explain what was done wrong, then instruct on what to do instead: “That’s a no. We don’t touch the toilet paper. Keep your hands in your lap.” You can certainly add things. If the child made a mess, you can have the child help clean it up. You can have the child correct any wrong that may have been done. Even if something is an accident, it still needs to be corrected. People don’t just get to walk away and say, “Oops.”

You can be sure an act was foolish when your child has already demonstrated an understanding for expected behavior in that situation. A foolish action will require more discipline. Exactly what you do and how you do it is dependent on the child. The child’s age, frequency of the offense, situational context, and the child’s overall behavior all factor in to deciding what to do (page 87). As the parent, it is for you to decide what to do.

Life with children is never cut and dry. Here is a story to illustrate. Brayden loves certain types of blankets. As he has gotten older, we have restricted where the blankets were allowed to be. At one point, they were allowed upstairs, but not on the main level. Then we decided it was time that they must remain in his room. I told him his blanket must stay in his room. He had a day where he left his room with it several times. This might seem foolish, but it was actually childish. He wasn’t leaving the room with it having decided to disobey, he just was in the habit and wasn’t thinking. The next morning, he left his room with it again. I told him that if he left his room with his blanket one more time, he was going to lose the blanket. I asked him if he understood, he said yes. I told him to leave his blanket in his room, he said “yes Mommy.” About 60 seconds later, he declared he needed a tissue and ran out of the room with his blanket in tow.

I knew that this was again a childish action. He wasn’t willfully defying me. But I also knew that something extreme needed to happen for him to have reason to remember the new blanket rule. I took the blanket as promised. I have never seen him so upset. He didn’t throw a fit, he was just emotionally upset at the prospect of losing his blanket. After a couple of minutes, he calmed down. He knew he had messed up and he was ready to take the consequence.

Later that day, I gave his blanket back. He was very grateful and told me he wouldn’t leave his room with his blanket any more. And he didn’t. So you can see from this story that childish actions still need correction. And just because the child understands something doesn’t mean it is automatically a foolish action.

Make the effort to figure out if your child is being childish or foolish. As you get to know your child, you will recognize cues like a certain glint in the eye when the child is knowingly disobeying. You will continue to misjudge. You aren’t perfect. I still misjudge Brayden, who is almost 4. But you will get better at it. Keep these things in mind as you determine if an action is childish or foolish:

• Don’t assume your child knows rules. Explain things to your child as age appropriate.
• Don’t assume your child will realize that if something is wrong, similar things are also wrong.
• Be sure your child understands what you are telling him.
• Be sure you tell your child not only what not to do, but what to do.
• Observe your child for a moment before assuming he is being disobedient.

So why is it trickier to parent in the funnel with more than one child? Here are some reasons I have found:

• Your attention is spread out more. When you have one child to think about, it is easier to focus on that one child and analyze every reaction and action of that child. The more children you have to think about, the more likely you will miss things. Hopefully your experience will help balance this out, though.
• Your time is spread out more. You might be tempted to let one or more of the children do things they aren’t ready for because you don’t have as much time as you would like in the day. Correcting takes time.
• Your energy is spread out more. You also need to allocate your energy among the children. Correcting takes time, but it also takes energy. Sometimes you might find yourself wanting to say, “whatever, just do it,” even when you know it is not something your child is ready for. I have even had grandmothers tell me with a chuckle that after several children they just let them parent themselves because they were so tired.
• You want to be fair. 4 year old Jimmy gets to do X, and you just know that 2 year old Suzy is going to be really upset if she doesn’t get to do what older brother does. Younger siblings love to emulate their older siblings. Or perhaps Suzy does not have the same sitting still requirements as Jimmy, but you don’t want Jimmy to feel picked on so you allow him to get away with things he shouldn’t be getting away with.
• You parent emotions. I have found that my younger daughter often gets upset when her older brother is disciplined. I am not talking any kind of huge discipline tactic. Even just me giving him the look and speaking firmly is enough to upset her. Some parents might choose to not discipline in order to avoid upsetting a sibling. Some parents avoid letting their baby fuss before a nap because it makes the older sibling upset.
• You expect too much. I remember when I got home from the hospital after giving birth to my second child. I looked at my oldest and thought, “You are huge!” It is easy to compare the oldest or older children to the youngest and expect more than is appropriate of him.
• You expect too little. Conversely, we can often expect too little of our youngest and younger children. My daughter is a couple of weeks shy of the age my son was when she was born. He seemed so old to me at the time, and she seems like a little baby still because I have him to compare her to at the moment. When I think about it, I realize that in many ways she actually acts older than he did at this age (for example, her verbal skills are beyond what his were at this age). I am sure that in about two months when we welcome our third child, she will suddenly seem a lot older.

We have our reasons and temptations for not parenting in the funnel. Let me now implore you to parent in the funnel for all of your children.

• You might do well to picture a funnel for each child. If not, at least realize that each child is in a different location in the funnel. I would imagine it is possible for even twins to be in different locations in a funnel, but for sure two siblings who do not share the same birthday and year are going to be in drastically different places in the funnel.
• Take the time to think through the status of each child. Involve your spouse in this. If Dad is away all day, he is more removed from the situation and can have valuable insight into changes that are happening in behavior. Talking things over with your spouse will help you work things out in your head. This can be done during couch time or before you go to bed (or any other time of day that works for you).
• Work slots into your schedule each day for time alone with each child. Allot the amount of time you can as appropriate. This can give you the opportunity to focus on that one child and her needs. You might do this while one child is in independent play, taking a nap, or at preschool.
• Take time for yourself. Take responsibility for yourself and be sure to get enough sleep at night so your mind can be fresh and focused. Take nights off to spend time alone, with friends, doing service, and having date nights with your spouse. Have friends over so you can have fun with them and get back in touch with yourself. This can help you to have the energy and motivation you need to focus on your children’s needs. It also reminds everyone in the family that the child and children are not the center of the universe. Just a part of it.
• Don’t hold back privileges from Jimmy just because Suzy would want to do it, too. As your child gets older and starts to compare himself to his friends, he will want to have the “privileges” they do. Chances are many of those friends will have privileges you don’t think are appropriate. Teaching your child from a young age that each person needs to earn privileges can help alleviate the disappointment of 7 year old Suzy when she doesn’t get her own cell phone. Denying privileges to an older sibling will eventually cause developmental frustration to develop in the older child. Privileges are not a “one-size-fits-all” for the family. Each child is an individual.
• You also don’t want to hold back expectations from Jimmy just because Suzy isn’t ready to live up to those same expectations. Jimmy is older and will have different responsibilities than Suzy will. You also don’t want to expect more from Suzy than she can give. Just as privileges aren’t one-size-fits-all, neither are responsibilities. Last night, we were having a family lesson. Brayden (3.5) is expected to sit still on the couch and remain quiet. Kaitlyn (1.5) is expected to stay in the room and remain quiet. Kaitlyn was standing next to the coffee table. Brayden wanted to get down and I reminded him he needed to sit. He replied, “Because she is younger she does different things?” I explained that she had different responsibilities, but also different privileges. I pointed out things he gets to do because he is older and more able to handle certain freedoms, but that along with those privileges came certain responsibilities.
• Don’t parent emotions. You need to do what is best for each child as an individual. Don’t deny training from one child just because other children are uncomfortable with it. When Kaitlyn was sleep training, I explained the reasons we were doing it to Brayden. I also explained that he did the same thing. He was not quite two at the time. He understood, or at least accepted, what I told him. I also did my best to not expose him to her crying. We would go outside with a monitor or do other things to distract him.
• Don’t compare your children. I think this is good advice, but it is hard to do. Try to not compare your children. Treat your child as the individual that he is. He has his own strengths, weaknesses, and talents that are unique to him–and they shouldn’t be based on what his siblings are good or not good at. The fact that one child is more advanced in a certain area at a certain age doesn’t make one “ahead” or one “behind.” The only person we should be compared against is ourselves. Are we better today than we were yesterday? Are we living up to our own potential?

As you consider the funnel, keep in mind that parenting outside of the funnel can appear to be easier in the moment, but it always makes things harder in the long-term. If you parent in the funnel, correction and direction are much easier. You know this. You have experienced the consequences, good and bad, of previous funnel parenting. Keep these possible pitfalls in mind as you now parent more than one child.

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