Question:

I’ve just re-read your advice in Babywise concerning feeding periods for the first seven to ten days. So I’ve turned the clock to the wall and I’m trying very hard to get those FULL feedings in, but no matter what I do, I can’t get my one week old baby to nurse for more than a couple of minutes at a time before she is fast asleep again. Is there anything else I can try?

Answer:

This is a very common problem with babies during the first 2 to 3 weeks, and longer with those babies who have had touches of Jaundice.

First, keep in mind that feedings don’t need to be on the clock. During these early weeks feedings will average about 2 ½ hours apart, but it is fine if some are shorter and others are a bit longer. With that in mind, the goal will be to try to catch your baby when he is passing through his light sleep phase. Trying to wake a newborn during a deep sleep phase tends to make both baby and Mom very frustrated.

Remember, each sleep cycles tend to last approximately 45 minutes. So during the day, have your baby sleep in a location where you can easily check on him. I often rolled the bassinet out into the living room during these early weeks, or put baby down in a playpen for daytime naps. Then after baby has been asleep about 1 ½ hours, begin glancing over every so often. When you see him begin to go through a sleep phase where his eye lids may flutter, his mouth move like he is nursing, and/or his arms and legs move around a bit, that’s the time you want to get him up from his nap. This may occur anytime between about 1 ½ to 2 ½ hours into his nap, so be patient.

As you begin feeding him and as long as he continues to nurse well, it is okay if he looks like he is dozing as he feeds. However, if he actually falls asleep, to the point that he stops sucking, then it is necessary to use the other methods of helping him to stay awake. (damp washcloth, undressing him, etc) If those measures do not wake him, place a thin baby blanket (nothing to thick and comfy) on the floor and lay him flat on his back. Remain close by, so you’ll be there when he wakes again. He may take a little 10 to 15 minute cat-nap, but he’ll soon be WIDE awake. At that point, continue with the feeding. You may even find it necessary to repeat this technique a second time during a feeding and yes, feedings may take a while for now, but this super sleepy stage really doesn’t last all that long. It won’t be long before he’s much more alert both during his feedings and for some fun wake time with mom afterwards.

Let me introduce myself, My name is Connie. My husband and I are high school sweethearts, married at 20 yrs old, and then we waited 10 years to have a child. So when we finally believed that we had matured enough to have a baby I decided I better educate myself.

Even before we conceived I devoured every bit of information available to mothers. As a new mother I really did not even know where to begin, but of course God knew what was best for us and put us in a Prep for Parenting class. When we finished the class I felt fully educated and confident on how to handle my newborn- (It’s ok to laugh here!)

Then Isabelle was born, and that confidence morphed quickly into sleep deprivation craziness. Just two nights after we brought her home I actually called the hospital nursery crying myself to ask if something was wrong because Isabelle had cried all night long. The sweet nurse laughed at me and told me “that’s what babies do!”

Here is why things were seemingly crumbling all around me. One, Isabelle couldn’t latch. Second, all I am going to say is I am apparently not designed well for nursing ( I am sure its some sort of punishment for past evil-as my mother always says what goes around comes around!). The first ten days of my life with Izzy I desperately tried to breastfeed a very angry thrashing screaming newborn every two hours. Each time I ended up tube feeding her in the most awkward position imagineable (I think that feeding her while standing on my head would have been the only thing that could have been more difficult) as advised by the hospital staff. At my wit’s end I was asking my lactation consultant what to do when she said “What are you going to do if your baby doesn’t learn to nurse?”

Let me mention here, God has blessed me with just a touch of obsessiveness with a side of perfectionism. To me the only option logical to me in my very sleep deprived new mom state was to pump my milk. Feel free to be amused here, Shawn and I have laughed many nights about this whole time period we call the “four weeks of parenting that no one ever told us about”. Shawn actually danced around when I told him to go buy bottles! I have to say my loving husband was a huge support for me in this endeavor.

Here’s why I tell you all of the above, once I decided to put into practice all I learned in our prep class -when Isabelle was about 6 weeks old and we had numerous sleep props established!- she actually slept through the night at 12 weeks old. Now 2 years later she is still as spirited as ever ( but we are happy to report she is characterized as a very good sleeper and eater of healthy foods) and we still look to the Ezzo’s teachings for wisdom on how to handle it all.

Be encouraged no matter what struggles you may face with your infant, be consistent with a routine and the concepts taught in the Growing Families curriculum. You will see amazing results in the long term!

Stay tuned to hear about what my small group learned from Growing Kids God’s Way-we just finished the course this past Sunday! God Bless your amazing families!

Questions:

My friend gave me a copy of Babywise before our son was born and it has been so helpful and working well for our family. But I do have a question about “blanket time.” My friend was asking me if we had started this with our 4 month old, but I’m not sure how this is really different from playpen time and how I’d even begin to teach this to him.

Answers:

• Blanket time provides an opportunity to teach a child to remain in a designated place without the ‘visible’ boundaries the sides of a playpen offer. As you would with ‘playpen time,’ start by placing a few toys on the blanket for play. When first introducing blanket time, it may only be for 3-5 minutes. You can either be sitting near your child or you may even be on the blanket with the child, playing. When he starts to make his way off the blanket, simply bring him back saying something like: “Johnny, you need to stay on the blanket and play with your toys.” Make sure to use a timer. When the timer goes off, make a big deal, “blanket time is over” and move on to the next activity. In the early training phase it usually works best to do short increments of blanket time, 3-4 times a day. Gradually increase the time as your child stays on the blanket, eventually working up to 30 minutes. Realistically, this could take several months.
• When to start? Ideally, before the child starts to crawl is a great time to start and after he is familiar to the playpen. [For some who are lacking space for a playpen, they actually begin with blanket time out of necessity.] The first 5 min. of ‘playpen’ time can be used for Blanket time training. Set the timer for 5 min, when it goes off, blanket time is over, and the remainder of the time can be playpen time. Even if a child is crawling, blanket time can be introduced. It will take a bit more work on Mommy’s part – but with consistency the child will learn.
• How long? Start with five minutes. Be consistent. When your child is able to stay on the blanket until the timer goes off, begin to add an extra minute or two at a time until your reach your goal.
• The beauty of a blanket is that it easily moves all over the house with you. I have personally found it helpful during these early boundary training years to have a small basket of toys in rooms that you spend a good deal of time in. That way, when you have your pre-toddler or toddler using ‘blanket time’ you will also have different toys to entertain him. Plus at these young ages it will help prevent your child from wandering, getting into things, and having to discipline more than necessary. Better yet, the blanket is portable for trips away from home! 30 minutes in a doctor’s office waiting room are much less stressful when your child can play happily on a clean blanket from home with toys from home! And visits to Great Aunt Mary’s house will be much more peaceful as well.
• For a 2 year old who is doing blanket time, Mom will still be making most of the choices regarding which toys will be appropriate. Be wise in those choices. An example for a little boy: give him some blocks and cars together to provide an opportunity for his imagination, allowing him to build bridges and roads to drive his cars over. Don’t worry about having to change out toys frequently – certainly the same toys for a week will help a child learn to play with what has been given him.

Hope this is helpful. Be patient remembering it is ‘a process’.

Related Post: Playpen/Room time Re-training

Question:

We are expecting our first baby soon and are so excited to put into practice what we’ve been learning in our Preparation for Parenting class. My dilemma has to do with the pacifier – after a couple of baby showers, we seem to be swimming in them! My friends tell me they are absolutely essential, but I’m a little worried we may be creating a real problem if we use them.

Answer:

Pacifier or no pacifier is the question, so what is a parent to do? Let’s take birth to 8 months. As we all know, babies really do have a “need” to suck, it is just that some babies have a greater need than others and for most that sucking need lasts through the first 6 months. Depending on whether baby is breastfed or bottle fed can also make a difference in the amount of sucking needed. With a bottle, baby usually receives his nourishment faster; therefore, may have a greater need for additional sucking. In either case, you may sense that baby wants additional sucking by looking for his fist to suck or, if on the bottle, by wanting to continue sucking even when all the formula is gone. With breastfeeding, if he still wants to stay on the breast after you have given both sides and it’s already been about 30 minutes, it could be a good indicator that a pacifier will help satisfy that additional need to suck. If you are seeing that this is true for your baby, then by all means, use the pacifier as a tool to meet that need. But instead of meeting the need at nap and bed time, offer it just after the feeding for an extra 5 to 10 minutes. Or even during those 5 to 10 minutes or so of cuddling and snuggling time just before nap time.

Usually the biggest concern about the use of the pacifier is it becoming a ‘sleep prop’. To help minimize that situation, it is best to decide ahead of time what the game plan will be. Also remember, using the pacifier is neither a right nor wrong issue; often it comes down to preference and what each parent is able to handle regarding the issue of baby’s cry. One other fact to consider is the reality that a ‘habit’ may develop of needing the pacifier to fall asleep. As parents, you’ll want to give thought to how long you will allow pacifier use to continue when you will remove the pacifier.

There are a couple of ‘game plan’ options to choose from.

You may begin putting baby down for her nap without the pacifier, giving her 10 to 15 minutes to settle herself, falling asleep without the pacifier. If she continues to fuss after 10 minutes, you may decide to allow her to suck on the pacifier for a few minutes, remove it and give her another 10 minutes. If she still has not fallen asleep, then you may want to allow her the pacifier for the remainder of her nap.

Or you may decide that baby will go down with the pacifier from the start of the nap or night time sleep. The next decision will come when baby ‘looses’ the pacifier after falling asleep. How many times will Dad or Mom go in and replace the ‘lost’ pacifier?

Another option, and one that is often tempting for parents, is to put baby down for nap or night sleep with the pacifier, thinking, if baby wakes early we will allow baby to fuss for as long as it takes for him to get back to sleep. Unfortunately, the problem with this thought, is that once baby has had a 20 to 40 minute “power nap” he is likely to be recharged enough to fuss for hours! He’ll have a better chance of learning to fall asleep without the pacifier if after having had a good feeding and an appropriate amount of wake time, he is put down without it.

Either way, wisdom would dictate that if the pacifier is to be used, it remain in the crib when baby wakes up and is not ‘attached’ to baby to be used as a ‘plug’. Context and wisdom would also say that if you are taking a long trip via air or land, which will include nap times, if baby needs pacifier to fall asleep, then pacifier travels as well.

Since the ‘need’ for additional suckling diminishes around 6 months and if the pacifier has been limited to crib for naps and bedtime, many parents decide to ‘wean’ baby from the use of the pacifier at this time as well. That can be accomplished in several ways:

· Using a needle, prick a hole in the nipple of the pacifier removing the ‘air’ so that there really is nothing to suck on.

· Put baby down for nap without the pacifier, having pre-determined how long you will allow baby to fuss before settling in for sleep, and see how long it takes for baby to settle himself before you will intervene.

· Or decide to go ‘cold turkey’ – meaning no pacifier for naps and nights, but that can play havoc on a parent’s emotion, depending on how long and loud baby may cry. As a general guideline, three days and it is usually over.

The point is, it really doesn’t matter. There is no “right” or perfect way. As long as you have a goal of helping him drop the habit and you are slowly (or quickly) working toward that goal.

8 months and older:

If by 8 months the pacifier is being used, you will find your baby has matured to a place where he is able to find the pacifier and put it back in his mouth when it falls out during naps and night time. At this point, the pacifier really isn’t as much of a sleep prop as it was before….unless it falls out of his crib, or worse, it gets lost or left at home! That can really be a nightmare! So while you may choose to wait a bit longer to eliminate the use of the pacifier completely, it remains a good idea to limit its use to nap time and bedtime.

Once you decide it’s time for the pacifier to go, you have the same options as listed above. Realistically, expect from 1 to 3 days of crying and poor sleep with the ‘cold turkey’ approach. Because habits are hard to break and the older the baby/toddler is, the longer it can take; you may choose to continue to allow the pacifier for naps while you work on removing it at night time when babies sleep deeper. Again, if you choose to work on naps and night time at the same time, many parents find that poking a small hole in the end of the pacifier helps to make them less appealing and speeds the weaning process along. If the hole doesn’t seem to bother your little one, try snipping off a bit every couple of days until your little one gives up.

This is a very popular post on my blog, Chronicles of a Babywise Mom.

Many Babywise moms find themselves in a schedule where the baby gets up about the same time every day, and they follow the eat/play/sleep pattern, but the times of each nap and each feeding every day vary considerably. If asked, “What time does baby take a nap in the afternoon?”, many moms will respond with, “well, it depends on what time he eats in the morning and how long his morning nap was…”

I was there. I understand it. I remember when Brayden was 4 months old and my parents were coming through town. My Dad called to ask what time Brayden usually slept so they wouldn’t disrupt naptime because we lived in a studio-type apartment with no bedrooms (yes, I have great, understanding, and cooperative parents). My response was, “I don’t know!” Naptime varied from day to day. It depended on how long his earlier naps lasted and how long he stayed awake. In retrospect, I was on a “pattern” rather than a “schedule.”

As he got older and I got more experience under my belt, we did get a predictable routine to where he ate, slept, and played in the same hours every day (minus your typical disruptions). So how do you get there? How do you set a schedule? Here are some hints.

• Pick your waketime. Depending on your baby, there may need to be some compromise between you two. Some babies are early risers, so mom is going to have to go with that. Others will sleep in a bit and you can choose the waketime better. I have one of each. Brayden (2.5 years old) has always been a 7 AM kid. In the winter I can get him to sleep until 7:15 because he rises with the sun. Kaitlyn (9 months) will sleep later. I have chosen her waketime as 7:30 right now so I can get Brayden fed before I get her up to nurse. Once she feeds herself and eats the food the family eats, I will set them at the same waketime. I will likely try to split the difference and go for 7:15. Your waketime is up to you (and baby). There is no right or wrong time. Keep in mind the number of feedings you want to get in and the bedtime you want so you can get the necessary feedings in before bedtime.
• Pick your bedtime. Bedtime should fall naturally based on your schedule. Bedtime should be 10-12 hours before waketime. Kaitlyn’s bedtime is 7:30. Brayden’s bedtime is 8:00, though we start the bedtime routine at 7:30. 10-12 hours is the rule for sleep from your young baby on up to your toddler, preschooler, and older.
• Once you have those two things picked out, stay consistent. Set your alarm if you have to so you can get baby up on time. Make the effort to be home in time in the evening to get baby down for bedtime. Remember, your schedule serves you, but it won’t serve you if you completely ignore it–it will have nothing to serve! Sure, you can have days when you sleep in. You can have nights you all go to a friend’s house and get home a little late. Just keep these as the exceptions rather than the rule. In comparison to your lifetime, your children are not young for very long.
• Next, pick your feeding times. This decision might vary from your original goal after some evaluation. When Kaitlyn was first born, I did a 2.5-3 hour schedule. I started her at 7:30 AM. I knew I wanted her to eat at 1:00 PM because that is the start of Brayden’s nap. He was not yet two and I wanted to be able to focus on Kaitlyn during each nursing as much as possible because she was so sleepy. My original goal was a 7:30 feeding, a 10:30 feeding, and a 1:00 feeding. At first, it worked great. After a few weeks, however, she started to need to eat at 10:00 instead of 10:30. After eating at 10:00, she could still make it to 1:00. I recommend that you write down the times you want baby to eat and shoot for that. You will, however, likely notice patterns in when baby can go longer between feedings and when baby needs the feedings closer together. Adjust as necessary. Write down the new times. Don’t just think them in your head, write them down. This is advice given in every book in the On Becoming series that I have read thus far. In setting your feeding schedule, remember that combo schedules work. You don’t have to be on straight 3′s or 4′s–you can do a combo.
• Figure waketime. This will depend on your child. At 6 months, Brayden could stay up for 2 hours with no problem. Kaitlyn, however, couldn’t go longer than 1 hour 15 minutes. Each child is different. Different times of day will have different waketimes, and that is okay. Both of my children had shorter waketimes before their morning naps than they had for the remainder of the day.
• Next, figure out naptimes. By this I mean the time baby will go down for a nap. This will be dependent on a couple of things. One is how long baby can successfully stay awake. This means happily. It also means baby goes down for a nap and the crying (or lack thereof) is consistent and naptime length is appropriate. Another thing it is dependent on is the amount of time before the next feeding. Depending on your schedule, baby will sleep anywhere from 1-2.5 hours.
• Write down all of your times.
• Finally, and again, stay consistent. Remember that it is dynamic and will change as your baby gets older. Whatever schedule you are on, stay consistent. If you eat at the same time every day, you get hungry at the same time every day. If you go to bed at the same time every night, you get tired then. If you wake up at the same time every morning, your body does so without an alarm clock. Consistency pays off. You want to go by the time on clock as well as the hours that have past. If baby slept in that morning and ate a little later, work to get on the normal schedule by afternoon. Of course, we always are flexible and adjust the schedule as necessary when baby is in a growth spurt or is otherwise hungry.

Can you be a mom who says, “My baby naps at 1:00″ with confidence and honesty? Yes! It will take time and consistency. I would commit to staying home for a week or two and really nailing the schedule down. You don’t have to completely shut yourself in, but try to stay in and keep in mind you are helping baby get stabilized. I think Winter is a great time to do it because there is often not a lot going on, at least in my life.

Take note that these same steps can be followed for a consistent schedule with a toddler, also. I find it much easier to have a consistent schedule with a toddler than a baby, but perhaps that is because my toddler has been on a consistent schedule for over two years. The same importance is applied to waketime, bedtime, and naptime. I find mealtimes to be a bit more flexible, but try to keep them about the same time, also.