You’ve picked up Preschoolwise for your 3-year-old’s tantrums, Childwise for the back-talk from your 9-year-old, and Preteenwise for your 12-year-old’s moodiness. Have you noticed that there seems to be a common thread with many of these issues? While the books may help by providing some age specific solutions, the list below may prove helpful in working on the ‘root’ of the problem. Ask yourself, ‘is there a…..

1. Lack of oneness in the marriage relationship: disharmony; lack of communication with one another; lack of respect; not being in agreement with each other on instructions to child, training of the child, or discipline of the child; allowing the child to play one parent against the other; no ‘couch time’ or other vehicle demonstrating the priority of your relationship in the home; etc.

2. Lack of structure and routine: nothing is predictable–meal times, bed times, structured learning times, play times, time for chores or other age-related responsibilities, etc.

3. Too many verbal and physical freedoms and too many choices: arguing, complaining, whining, talking back would be examples of verbal freedoms; physical freedoms would involve doing things without asking, child telling you what she will or will not do, kicking, hitting, etc. Too many choices for the child’s age for example, a preschooler having to have a choice on what or when she will eat, what she will wear, where she will sit (the “wise in your own eyes” scenario from the videos).

4. Lack of consistency: As Dad & Mom do we ’say what they mean and mean what they say’ to our children? Do we carry through when we promise her something, thus building trust? Is there a good measure of encouragement when she does do something right? Encouragement is a HUGE part of security as well as motivation for a child. Is there faithfulness in teaching and training as well as discipline and correction?

5. Lack of prayer and trusting God: Do we pray together as a family; pray with the child about the behavior issues; cry out to God for His help when we don’t know what to do, rather than becoming angry and taking matters into our own hands; Ps 50:15 says,” Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor Me.” James 1:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” John 15:5 ends by declaring “without Me, you can do nothing.” God wants us to be fully dependent on Him for the training of our children. Another thing that enters into this root cause is the lack of seeking forgiveness and restoration in the relationship after correction.

6. Selfishness: This enters into all of the other root causes, but is demonstrated in our wanting OUR way, or OUR time, etc. Faithfulness in parenting involves giving of ourselves (sacrifice) even in times when we
don’t feel like it. Phil 2:3-4 says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” There are times when the child’s best interest must be put ahead of our own desires or comfort and that is not ‘child-centered’, rather it is considering the need for training our child’s heart over what we wanted to do at the moment.

These are some things to consider and pray about as you seek Him for resolution to the relationship with, and training of your children. While these causes are not exhaustive–I am sure you can add to them–they are examples.

Edited from notes by Dianne Doty, wife, mom and grandmother.

Hi again. As promised last time, the next principle I thought I’d share with you from Anne Marie’s wisdom is the ‘Walk & Talk’ principle.

This is something we have found particularly helpful with our boys as they have reached the middle years.

It is a well known fact that men and boys will be more likely to talk and ‘open up’ if they are working in a triangle. i.e. They are working on a project or activity with another guy and so don’t have to look directly at the other person but can talk to them while focusing on something else (who said men can’t multi task?!). This is where Dad builds a go-cart with his son and they end up talking about deeper issues because the go-cart provides a bit of a distraction and the pressure isn’t on the conversation - it happens naturally.

Using that concept, Anne Marie reminded me of the ‘Walk & Talk’ principle when I shared about my frustration with knowing how to talk with my 10 year old son. I found that I was too often slipping into ‘lecture’ mode. If he did something that we both knew he shouldn’t, I would start lecturing him out of my frustration and that was not being productive in changing his behavior AT ALL!

So instead Anne Marie reminded me that in the Middle Years course they talk about taking your child for a walk and talking through the issues as you go. This has a two fold benefit. Firstly, it creates an triangular situation where you are not sitting and talking directly to them (which can be quite threatening, especially when you are still working on gaining self control yourself!) and secondly, it is a great way to burn off some of that excess energy and even anger that may be building up.

We have now used this principle on a regular basis and even try to do it frequently when our sons haven’t done anything wrong. We will often ‘Walk & Talk’ to encourage them if we see they have really been working on developing a particular character quality. That way, it is not a threatening thing but just a natural part of how we communicate.

On a practical note, it doesn’t have to be a long walk. Often we just go to the end of the driveway and back and that’s enough for things to calm down and be discussed.

Try it, hopefully it will help in your family too!

Until next time,

Charissa

Previous posts in this series include: Anne Marie’s Wisdom and More of Anne Marie’s Wisdom.

This is the final deposit on the Middle Years transition. In this post we will conclude by taking a look at the last three transitions: The growing influence of peer pressure on your middle years child, the process of moral maturation and a child’s inclination toward personal responsibility.

6. Transitioning to the Growing Influence of Peers

The middle years are marked by a greater sensitivity to the differences between self and peers. Any slight deviation in growth or secondary sex characteristics from what is common in the group will cause the middle-years child to worry.

Such an occurrence is natural and quite unavoidable. The young girl who begins to develop prematurely will measure herself against other girls. The boy who starts to show hairs on his chin or to grow disproportionately in height will become self-conscious about his differences. This awareness leads to a growing interest in the opinions of others in a child’s peer group. What is the group wearing, listening to, doing? Where are they going? And what does all this mean to me? The effects of this transition will be felt for quite some time.

7. Transitioning to a Sense of Morality

Morality is more than a checklist of good choices one makes in the interest of preserving self. Moral maturity means considering others-respecting the feelings, needs, hurts, and hearts of those with whom the child interacts.

We believe that clearly defined morality is the only foundation upon which healthy relationships and strong families are built. Only moral maturity enables us to get along rightly with others in our families and communities.

Because the middle years are typically far less traumatic than the “terrible twos” or the tumultuous teens, parents tend not to have a sense of moral urgency during this time. Yet if there is ever a time of ripening, when a child seeks moral knowledge, it is during these precious middle years. This is the time when you as a parent can encourage and shape the development of moral consciousness in your child.

During the middle years, children not only understand the wider scope of moral truth; they can begin to use it to regulate their lives. Soon they will be able to conform their outward behavior voluntarily, apart from the fear of reproof that so often accompanies a younger child’s moral decision-making process. The middle years are when your child will strike deep moral roots-for good or ill-with or without your guidance.

Younger children live off Mom and Dad’s values. But during the middle years, children begin to take personal ownership of their values. Are you ready to help your child make the transition?

8. Transitioning from Being Reminded to Being Responsible

The middle years are a time when your child should be transitioning from simply obeying the rules, on the one hand, to taking personal responsibility for tasks, chores, and behavior, on the other. When only obedience is at stake, your child will comply when reminded. When responsibility comes into play, your child does the right thing without being reminded.

As soon as a middle-years child understands what you’re asking of her, she should be expected to take ownership of that behavior. This may be a change for her and you. If you don’t make it a priority to teach her self-generated initiative now, you’ll still be asking if she’s done all her homework and picked up her room when she’s in college. In the pages that follow, we’ll show you how to teach your middle-years children to take the initiative.
You can read Parts 1, 2, and 3 if you missed them.

In this post we will take up the next two middle years transition, the role of emotions and responses to body changes.

4. Transitioning to New Emotional Patterns and Expressions

Every healthy child comes into this life with the potential for experiencing the full range of human emotions. Obviously, these emotions influence the way we think and act. Though all humans have the same emotions, each of us responds to these feelings differently. Some responses are constructive; others are detrimental. In the latter case, it is not the emotions themselves that get us into trouble, but the manner in which we deal with them.

The more we respond to an emotion in a certain way, the greater the likelihood that it will develop into a habit. Developing positive habits is particularly important during the middle years because this is the season of life in which a child’s moral knowledge (moral truth taught by parents and teachers) combined with his emotions can help establish patterns of right behavior.

For example, the child who learns early in life that “honesty is the best policy” is likely to carry that teaching into adulthood. Your four-year-old can understand the principle, but your eight-year-old can make it a way of life.

Do not miss this important point: You and your home environment will play a dominant role in shaping your child’s profile of emotional responses, especially during the middle years. A child who observes Dad returning wrong for wrong by walking the dog on a neighbor’s lawn as payback for a similar disservice will learn that paybacks are okay for peers. If right responses are not learned during the middle years, wrong ones will most likely characterize the teen years. Now is when you need to check out your own attitudes.

The middle years also bring about a shift in a child’s outward expression of emotions. A young child’s emotional outburst lasts a few minutes, and then it’s over. Contrast this response with that of the socially sensitive middle-years child, whose short-lived outbursts have given way to drawn-out periods of moodiness. What all this demonstrates is that your middle-years child can now exercise cognitive control over his emotions. A few years earlier, this was not the case. The decision of how to behave is, in the end, your child’s. However, you still play a significant role in shaping how your child develops his or her responses. Take advantage of this.

5. Transitioning to Hormone-Activated Bodies

Perhaps you have found yourself thinking, My child is only eight or nine-it can’t be hormones yet. Yes, it can. Most people think hormonal changes don’t begin until just before a child reaches the teen years, when they naturally set into motion a series of defiant acts and rebellious mood swings.

But the truth is that hormonal changes in a child’s endocrine system begin at approximately age seven, not twelve or thirteen. You may have already begun to see the effects. Yes, your middle-years child is hormonally active. From this point on, he or she will experience greater emotional highs and lows. This may, in turn, affect behavior. But wait: The fact that your child is undergoing these changes does not provide an excuse for wrong behavior.

Have you ever wondered why your nine-year-old daughter can change moods overnight? She may go through phases of discouragement and break into tears over minor details. Someone looked at her wrong. She looks all wrong. She’s not sure what is wrong. Her face becomes a little oilier, and she is sure everyone is noticing. For a few days she becomes more snippety toward her siblings. Then, just as quickly, she returns to being the stable child you knew before. Hormones at work. While hormones play their part, the moral environment in which your child is raised also plays a significant role in shaping her perception of her changing body and the sexual tension natural to growth. Clinicians have noted that children who come from differing domestic moral climates will have very different sensual experiences.

For example, young girls weaned on MTV are more likely to express their budding sense of womanhood according to the images promoted by the sexual image-makers of MTV. In contrast, pubescent daughters coming from homes that do not allow this influence tend to direct their budding sexual awareness into channels of innocent romantic thought.

Have your ever watched Anne of Green Gables and Anne of Avonlea? It took Anne, the main character of this drama, eight hours (in film time-eight years in story time) to realize that it was Gilbert, her old school chum, who she really loved. While such romantic portrayals are entertaining for a sixty-year-old woman and perhaps confusing for a six-year-old girl, a ten-year-old girl enters into eight hours of romance by identifying herself with the heroine.

Why is she hooked while her six-year-old female cousin and her eleven-year-old brother find something else to do? Because hormones active in her body have brought about a burgeoning sense of romance. Her body awakens her mind to a vague but real awareness that someday perhaps there will be a Gilbert for her, too. Endocrine changes awaken a sense of romantic sensitivity in girls much earlier than they do in boys. Your ten-year-old daughter is asking, “Mom, how did you and Dad meet?” or “Where did you go on your first date?” Meanwhile, a boy of the same age is asking, “Mom, have you seen my football?”

Valiant knights prance their white steeds dreamily through your daughter’s thoughts. But it will be another year or two before the neighbor boy of the same age starts to consider your daughter more than a decent right fielder or someone to torment with his plastic spider. But in time, preteen boys, too, succumb to the powerful effect of hormones on their views of the opposite sex. In our next post we will take up the final three transitions, the growing influence of peers; the move toward a set of personal values and his inclination toward personal responsibility.

More to come in a couple of days.

Don’t forget to read Part 1 and Part 2 if you missed it.

We will continue to take up the subject of Middle Years parenting by looking at the next two transition phases in a child’s growth and development. The role ‘facts’ now play in their life and the increase of reason over childhood imagination.

2. Transitioning to Knowing the Facts

“You’re out! I touched the base.”
“No, I’m not! You have to touch me.”

They can barely swing the bat, but they brandish their knowledge of the rules as if they had a deep and abiding understanding of the game.

Your middle-years child now relates to other children as peers and to other adults as something more than parental substitutes. During this period, boys and girls demonstrate a need to organize, categorize, and play by the rules. It is important to them that they get their facts right (although they have an oversimplified notion of the correctness of their own assessment during this phase).

Perhaps you’re having a conversation with another adult in which you describe an incident that occurred at the store today. You aren’t even two sentences into your story when you hear, from the only other eyewitness to the event, your nine-year-old daughter. “No, Mom, that’s not how it happened. The man with the shopping cart bumped the manager and then.…”

Don’t be surprised when your attempt to abbreviate a conversation is met by a challenge from your middle-years child, who suddenly seems to have a desperate need to get the story right, as if one fact out of sequence will cause the universe to instantly implode.

Now add birth order to this mix. Because the eldest is born into a world of adults and not siblings, she tends to have an increased need to be “right” about all things. If another child breaks the rules, she is relentless in her efforts to straighten that child out or bring justice to bear on a situation. “Mom! That’s not fair! When I was Billy’s age, you never let me ride to the corner by myself.” Look for these verbal declarations-they’re all part of the transition process.

3. Transitioning from Imagination to Reason

With the middle years comes a distinct shift toward logical thinking. Logic and reason now help your child to begin overcoming the unknown. Consider how small children deal with fear of the unknown or unexplained circumstances. A nighttime shadow on the bedroom wall becomes the villain from their favorite cartoon. A loud noise in the distance is a monster on its way to the house! Because their imaginations develop more rapidly than their reasoning skills, and because they’re aware of their own smallness, younger children often interpret anything they don’t understand as something to be feared.

But everything changes during the middle years. Reason rises to challenge imagination. This means your eight-year-old will begin to appear more daring and adventuresome and less restrained by fear of the unknown.

More to come in a couple of days.

Don’t forget to read Part 1 if you missed it.