With children either just back to school or looking toward vacation, let alone homework or chores that need to be done, every parent at one time or another will deal with a ‘distracted child’. Whether the child is ‘characterized’ by such behavior or just an occasional distraction, even the most patient mom seems to become frustrated when something is not done in a timely manner, let alone the mom who is learning to ‘develop patience’. Belinda Letchford who lives in a remote part of Western Australia wrote the following article. Belinda and her husband are GFI-Australia leaders, she also serves as a Contact Mum and home schools their 4 children. You can read more on her blog http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/belindaletchford. I personally thought the following would be helpful to anyone dealing with the distracted child and for those with younger children, there are some good principles to put into action as you are training your little ones in 1^st time obedience, focusing on virtue of diligence and perseverance. Remember; begin as you mean to go.

Blessings, Anne Marie

It is a never-ending task (or at least it seems like it is) when one of you children is easily distracted.  We (the mums) seem to be forever reminding, following up, and catching up because they didn’t get to it!

Here are a few things that I’m working on at the moment: Clear understanding of what needs to be done haven’t used Managers of their Chores, but one of my friend’s has used the tool from Mangers of their Chores, which is to make a wearable list so that the child has it with them throughout chore time, until they report back to Mum to say all is done.  Seems like a good idea for the distractible child.

When I consider how I best stay on track (and my mother wrote lists for me at 10 years old because I kept forgetting what she told me to do), I work best if my list is written up fresh.  I love the idea of a check list that is photocopied and is the same every day etc but reality is if I write the list, if I process as I’m writing then I do better.  I wonder if my distractible child is the same – more than likely!!

So instead of a reproducible check list that gets looked at each day I am going to write her a fresh list every day.  Yes, this will take time but… it will be time where we will be together, reviewing what needs to be done.  After all she isn’t remembering herself so she obviously needs more training!  As I write the list she’ll watch me and hear me as I talk about each task.  Involving more of her 5-senses has to be a good thing!

Simply done – we get together at the beginning of each chore session, I write a quick list of what is expected of her, talking about it as we go.  She takes the list and is responsible to bring it back to me – ticked off if she likes, when it is all done.  Hands on reminders!

Clear time frame My distractible child has a different understanding of time than I do. Her understanding of time is that it is a concept of space that needs to be filled with fun things!    We have talked about the fact that time is a set thing – I can’t create more time for her.  If she chooses to use her time unwisely, then she runs out of time for the things that she wants to do.  I cannot create more time.

A timer helps.  This then becomes her personal race against time, rather than a reaction against me.

Motivation – reward at the end I think a reward may help her as she develops this skill of staying focused and not being distracted.  The best reward I can think of, and it is a natural consequence that is consistent with anyone, is that when you complete a task on time, or earlier, you have free time.

I am going to ‘dangle’ free time as the reward/consequence of staying focused.  Free time to use as she desires.

Consequences If I look back at the consequences of her dawdling that I listed at the beginning of this post it seems that I suffer the consequences.  I am the one who completes the tasks she should have done, but ran out of time for.  I am the one that reminds, encourages, and coerces.  Shouldn’t be!

So first thing – I need to recognize the natural consequences of her dawdling (things not being done) and have her complete them in her play time.

My Responsibilities Whenever I start a training programme I have to look at my part to play not just the childs.

1. Have I trained (in this case, she has the skills for the tasks that have been given, but I will be helping her, guiding her to develop focus skills)
2. Does she have appropriate times to do the tasks assigned?
3. Do I follow up and inspect – she will push the limits if I’m not onto it and training will go down the tube!

How have you helped your child learn to focus?

Me: “I have to run an errand. Wanna come?”
Child #1: “Where ya going?”
Me: “I’m not telling, do you want to go or not?”
Child #1: “Is it going to be fun?”
Me: “Define fun.”
Child #1: “Ya know, like are we going to do something fun or can I buy something?”
Me: “Nevermind.”

A little dejected but not surprised, I then approached another child.

Me: “I have to run an errand. Wanna come?”
Child #2: “Sure Daddy! I’ll get my shoes!”

Child #2 gets in the car and off we go. We had a wonderful time. As we ran our errands, we talked. We listened. I shared bits of wisdom. We goofed around. We laughed. We enjoyed each other’s company. Our hearts were knitted together. There was bonding and fellowship and fun just by being together.

The errands took a bit longer than I anticipated and while we were out we both got really thirsty. I knew that a Cherry Lime Aide from Sonic could fix that and I knew that a Cherry Lime Aide would be a big deal for this particular child. With errands complete, we came home both drinking our massive Cherry Lime Aides and I knew what was about to happen.

As hydrated Child #2 walked past left behind Child #1, Child #1 became indignant. “You didn’t tell me you were getting a Lime Aide! That’s not fair!” As this child threw a mini-tamtrum, it hit me. This is exactly how we treat God.

Instead of desiring the Giver, we just want His gifts.
Instead of spending time with the Blesser, we simply want His blessings.
We don’t want a relationship with Him, we just want the benefits.

God is not like a vending machine. You don’t spend time with Him to get what you want out. You invest in God and THAT ALONE is the gift, the blessing and the benefit. Anything you receive beyond that, is simply additional grace.

Does God give out spiritual Cherry Lime Aides? Absolutely. But He often gives it to His children who aren’t using Him for one. He desires relationship and fellowship. He has errands to run and He wants some company. You wanna come?

Ephesians 1:3 – “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ…”

Mark 10:15-16 – “Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all. And He took them in His arms and began blessing them, laying His hands on them.”

******* IMPORTANT NOTE ABOUT THE NOTE ********
It is necessary to point out that I am merely sharing a snapshot from a moment in time. Every one of us have been captured in a negative light in various snapshots throughout our life. Though most children (regardless of age) desire the gift over the giver, I am pleased/relieved to say that this is not something either child is characterized by.

I always give this example to parents who come to us with the “lying question.” You can see in their eyes that after they hear my story, they feel a whole lot better about their child! Then I look at my daughter and smile as I think, “You’ve come a long way, Baby!” Praise the Lord.

So, how’d we get from horror to praise? Well, here are some of the nuts and bolts we figured out along the way.

It is good to first consider the age of the child, the frequency with which he lies and to contemplate the reason the child is resorting to the behavior (imagination, parental unfairness, etc.). Beyond that there are so many factors to consider.

First, how’s couchtime? It’s amazing how many things can be affected without it. It’s always a good idea to look here first.

Next, how much training has gone into teaching qualities like diligence, honesty, personal responsibility (opposite virtue training)? Teaching the value of honesty is vital. Without giving a “fire and brimstone” message, an earnest conversation from a concerned parent about the way God feels about lying, what lying does to an individual and his relationships and his heart can turn a child around by giving them the big picture they never considered. Singer/Songwriter, Stormie Omartian, told her son, “Satan is a liar… All the evil he does begins with a lie. People who lie believe that lying will make things better for them. But actually, it does just the opposite. That’s because telling a lie means you have aligned yourself with Satan. Every time you lie you give Satan a piece of your heart. The more lies you tell, the more you give place in your heart to Satan’s lying, until eventually you can’t stop yourself from lying.”

Another common factor, is that the child has too much unsupervised time. Sin can breed a type of unhealthy independence that encourages lying. For instance, if the child has been sent to his room to do his homework and he has spent one of the two hours playing around daydreaming, the time of disobedience has fed a false sense of independence. Then when confronted with his sin, his natural inclination is to cover it and because he has already been feeding his sin nature, it doesn’t cause too much discomfort to his heart to lie. Face it, sin is pleasurable. If a child has had a grand time in disobedience, he will continue. Try keeping a bit of a tighter reign on the child – no extended periods of time alone when an instruction has been given.

Another piece of this puzzle is harder to explain, but so consistent, it is impossible to ignore. It is the spiritual factor. If a child has issues with abandonment, they very often lie. This is not to say that children of divorce or adoption are inherently bad * certainly not! However, it seems that something is violated in their hearts that causes them to feel they need to lie. Perhaps they are angry; perhaps they are afraid of losing anyone else and so they cover their mistakes. Whatever it is, it is essential to remember that our battle is not against flesh and blood. We must fight on the spiritual front with our spiritual weapons. Praying over this child and declaring that he is not a liar is essential. Stand fast on your child’s behalf against any lying spirit that would seek to destroy your child’s life.

So, your child has lied. Now what? After evaluating the reasons honestly, how will you react? It is hard not to take lying personally. It hurts! And while it is okay to show your child that you are hurt, disappointed and less likely to trust them as implicitly as you would like to be able to, it is not okay to allow them to feel that there is no forgiveness, no hope for relationship or you will never think of them the same again. God never does that to us no matter what we do.

Naturally there will be consequences. It depends greatly on the pattern of lying and what the lie was about. In our home, if a child lied, it was an automatic chastisable offense. If the child would have had consequences of any kind for the action they are lying about (not doing homework, disobeying, etc.) they received those consequences along with the additional consequence for lying. It is important to separate the offenses. A child must see that he would have been better off to just tell the truth no matter what.

In addition, a time of looking over his shoulder to make sure of compliance and honesty is appropriate. If a child is lying about things outside your home, restrict his activities outside the home. The logic is simple, “If I can’t trust you outside the home, you will have to stay here.”

We had a child look up and write out different verses that reveal how God views lying. It was very eye-opening. It is important that children understand what is at the core of lying.

Lying is no small thing. Few behaviors we confront as parents strike so close to our hearts and threaten our children’s lives and spirits the way lying does. It is important to not underestimate the implications of having a child who lies. And though some issues we face can be met head on and conquered, lying is a battle that we will need to fight on many fronts. It is best to surround the enemy of lying with all your forces and attack wholeheartedly. Remember always that it is lying that is your enemy, NOT the child who is lying. So gather your forces. You’ll need a frontal attack of determination and refusal to accept lying. You’ll flank the sides with training in honesty, virtue, integrity and obedience. You’ll attack from the rear with swift consequences that won’t permit any escaping enemies. And with every move, you’ll make unconditional love your battle cry, reassuring your child that no matter what they do or how much you are hurt, you will always love them. Together, you and your child can route the enemy and have the relationship you want.

Permission granted by Tim and Ami Loper of Miracle Books.  The original version of this article can be found in the Summer 2005 edition of “Oh Yeah”.

Why in the world am I writing about this on a GKGW blog? Well in the midst of it all I learned a lesson about myself and it applies to parenting. I found some rebellion in me. When we heard that we must seek out and eliminate all Gluten from Alyssa’s diet, I rebelled. I thought, “That sounds really hard, and like an overreaction.” I wanted to just avoid bread and not worry about the little sources. I voiced my thoughts to a Celiac expert and he challenged my thoughts. He described how every little bit of gluten would damage the villi and keep it from growing back. In a sense, there would be no point in cutting the large amounts of gluten without getting the small amounts out as well – all the work to make new recipes and avoid the big gluten would be wasted.

As I dwelled upon those thoughts, I believe the Lord showed me that as parents we often work hard to address the large blatant defiance and obedience issues while we ignore the “smaller” issue of attitude. The reality is that if we really care about training the heart, then we must be diligent to address all issues of the heart or we will watch our other efforts fall away worthless. One way I personally struggle in this area is being alert and watchful for attitude. The Celiac must watch everything they eat, read every label, being diligent and careful to recognize and avoid hidden gluten sources. We must “read” our children, know their hearts, sense their attitudes and then be bold enough to say and do something about it.

Reworking our buying habits, redeveloping the recipes and submitting to a new menu and diet was a daunting task, taking a lot of effort to make all the changes needed. But we did it (actually Ami did it). Just as with Celiac Disease, your child’s health and life is at stake. Make the effort to reach every part of your child’s heart and leave no attitude unturned – and watch health, peace, joy and moral strength of character grow in your child!

Permission granted by Tim and Ami Loper of Miracle Books.  The original version of this article can be found in the Winter 2004 edition of “Oh Yeah”.

I talk about this often, perhaps because it is something that I have trouble with and find myself continually working on it. I encourage everyone (including myself) to learn to enjoy each stage of life for what it is. I often hear young mothers long for the future when they will have time to do all the things they want to do, and older mothers long for those fun times with their young children. It is good to have goals and good to have fond memories, but we mustn’t let these two things rob us of the life we are currently living.

Let’s take stages of our children’s lives. I have often shared that my least favorite stage is the newborn stage. I much prefer the toddler stage, and I love having conversations with my son. I have good friends whose favorite stage is the newborn stage. Everyone has their preferred stages. When we recognize that each stage has its benefits and its drawbacks, we can learn to be happy where we are. There isn’t a stage where everything is perfect. You have long nights of newborn life, tantrums of toddlerhood, talking back of pre-teens, and power struggles with teenagers. We minimize these difficulties through applied principles of the –wise series, but we still encounter difficulties along the way. We also have the good qualities of stages. Newborns don’t talk back and are content to cuddle with you, toddlers are constantly learning and are fascinated with every detail of life around them, pre-teens amaze us with their intelligence, and in teen years we can start to really enjoy the fruits of our labors as our children-turning-adults make wise decisions. Whatever stage(s) your child(ren) is at, I encourage you to focus on the things you love about it—enjoy each good thing that you will never see again from that child.

There is also a major lifestyle difference among all the stages of life. As a mother with two young children, I have certain times of day that we I “stuck” home, except in those extenuating circumstances when we take advantage of flexibility in our schedule. For naptime, we are home each day. This limits the number of hours we can spend running errands or playing at the park. Also, no matter how well behaved your children are, it is hard to run errands with them.

Right now, I am also pregnant with my third child. Pregnancy is hard on me; I am one of those women who is really, really sick 24 hours a day for 9 months. One day a few weeks ago, a sweet friend of mine dropped by unexpectedly with dinner for my family. This friend of mine has no children. She and her husband have been trying to have children for 4-5 years. They have tried in-vitro several times without success, and are now waiting with many other parents to be chosen as adoptive parents.

I looked at her that day as she stood in my kitchen, hair all perfect, body unaffected by children, able to come and go as she pleases, and for a fleeting moment, I envied her and longed for the day to come when I could be back to that position in life. It quickly passed me, though, and I realized she, too, must envy me. I have children. I might have a hard time being pregnant, but she will likely never know what it feels like to be pregnant. She lives each day wondering if it will be the day she gets a phone call telling her they have been chosen to adopt a baby. She might have freedom right now, but she doesn’t want it. She longs to be in the position I am: sick, pregnant, and stuck and home each afternoon as the children take a nap. I knew my desires were selfish and that I needed to realign myself and be grateful for the many blessings I have.

I have also watched women whose children are grown and getting married fall into a state of depression as they “lost” their children. They went through the marriage of their children unhappy, mourning the loss of a child rather than celebrating the addition of one. What a tragedy and loss of a moment that will never happen again.

You will be much happier in life as you come to be able to enjoy each stage of your life for what it is. Some stages will be harder for you than others. There will be stages where you wish you could freeze everyone and live that moment forever. Find the good of where you are. Relish every moment. Time does not wait while you feel sorry for yourself; take advantage of each moment you have in life, and you can be truly happy.

My blog: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/