Up until about nine months ago, I, in my naivety, truly believed that people as a whole desired to be kind to other people and treat them well. Where I live, that is just the way people are. Sure, there are people who are unkind and motivated by selfishness, but the majority of people try to be kind to others and treat others with respect.

About 9 months ago, I was on a parents social networking site–my first time ever. In one group, one woman was basically getting roasted. She was being called all sorts of mean names and being ridiculed. Thinking these women who were being rude had simply lost themselves in the comfort of hiding behind their computer, I stuck up for the lone woman and suggested we all be nice and if we couldn’t say something in a nice way, don’t say it. I pointed out that you can disagree without being rude or belittling.

I was shocked at the responses. “That is just the way I am. If she can’t handle it, she should leave.” “I am just a blunt person.” ”I have to be nice to my kids all day; I don’t want to have to be nice here too.” Those are just a few. Wow. I was shocked. I pointed out that I consider myself to be a blunt person, but you can be blunt and tactful. Nope. They weren’t having it. This was an eye opening experience for me.

I will point out that I received many personal notes applauding me and agreeing with me. A few brave souls dared to agree publicly. As I have gotten to know these women better, I see that this situation really epitomizes who they are. There are some who are always nice. There are some who just don’t care how they treat others. If they say something rude, that is the problem of other people. They have the “right” and the “freedom” to act as they choose, and it shows in their parenting and parenting advice. That isn’t acceptable to me.

On Becoming Childwise operates under the premise that the readers of the book are the sort of parents who want to instill morality and good character traits into their children. When I first read that over a year ago, I thought, “Of course, all parents would want that of their children.” Sadly, that is not the case. I learned that nine months ago.

Childwise points out that without mutual morality, your child might become a bully or a victim. I can easily see this. You can’t expect that other parents are going to be teaching their children right from wrong. You have to teach your child to have character, and you have to teach him to have it in the face of adversity. Often times to stand up for what you believe in means you are standing alone. Very few will have the courage to stand beside you, even when they agree.

Good character is attainable, but you must teach it. I believe children have an innate desire to do good, but they need direction from you to teach them what good is. Whether you intend to or not, you are the greatest influence on your child, both by what you do and what you don’t do. You have the choice and the option to raise good children. And we, who care, must stand strong and valiantly. Perhaps our children can have a positive influence over those children raised by parents who don’t think it is necessary to be moral. Each generation finds it more difficult to stand strong and adhere to the morals taught them. It was harder for us than our parents. It will be harder for our children than was for us. The difficulty seems to be growing exponentially. This only strengthens the urgency that we take an active role to teach morals to our children.

Children have four general capacities. They are found on page 66 of Childwise. They are:

• Children have physical capacities. You must provide food, shelter, clothing and encourage necessary skills for life. We also should teach them how to care for their bodies. Teach them which foods are good for the body. Teach the importance of exercise. Remember, you must lead by example.
  
• Children have intellectual capacities. You must stimulate. You must teach your child. You must teach logic and useful knowledge along with basic skills. It is really easy to go throughout the day and do what I call “surviving.” Get from sunrise to sundown with the fewest number of difficulties and conflicts. This is especially easy to do with a child who has been raised on principles of Babywise. They are good kids who generally stay out of trouble. Mom could busy herself with housework or hobbies while the kids entertain themselves. It isn’t enough to simply survive a day. We must be actively engaged in teaching our children. On Becoming Preschoolwise offers many ideas for doing this. Simple structure and routine can help you ensure your child receives the needed intellectual stimulation.
  
• Children have emotional capacities. Nurture your child’s emotional well-being. You must help your children to monitor and control emotions. We all get mad. But we work to not get mad. We try to control our tempers. We take control of our emotions. My in-laws were very good at instilling morality into their children. Brayden (my son who is 3) has a short fuse. He can go from frustrated to mad almost immediately. If he is trying to do something and doesn’t get it perfectly the first time (he is a perfectionist), he would throw the item across the room. I have worked with him on this from the age of 12 months when it first cropped up. He is much, much better about it now. I can’t even remember the last time he threw something in anger. My husband tells me he was the same way. He tells me he still works with it. The amazing thing is that I have never seen his temper. He has never even raised his voice to me. He has amazing control over his emotions. We can control our emotions, and our children can also. We also want to teach our children how to control displays of positive emotion as well.
  
• Children have moral capacities. Teach your child to internalize virtues that reflect your values and the values of society. Yes, the values of society get more fuzzy as the years pass by, but there are basic societal morals.

We must give time and attention to each of these facets. Ezzo and Buckman point out that you don’t want a smart child who cheats. I remember in high school I had a friend who was really smart. She had a perfect grade point average. We were in Chemistry together our sophomore year. She stressed over maintaining her perfect grades. In order to maintain it, she cheated. She ended up being valedictorian. Now, I am one who would have been considered smart (and I hope I still am), but I did not cheat. Yes, it was frustrating to see someone be rewarded for cheating, but I honestly felt sad for her more than anything. I went on to college where I continued to work hard and not cheat. College was not that difficult for me because I knew how to work for my knowledge. I graduated with almost a perfect grade point average, above a 3.9. I was named most outstanding graduate. My name is hanging on a plaque in my department to this day. It all paid off in the end. 

There is one of these capacities that requires more priority, or first priority. That is moral training. “Moral training provides the objectivity needed for emotions to function freely without overpowering the child” (page 68). When you train morally the right way, you can have a child who is emotionally balanced, intellectually assertive, and morally sensible. Our society needs as many of these people as we can get!

Teach your children to do unto others as they want done unto them. To do this, you must yourself behave this way. You must treat others with kindness. You must be honest. If you don’t get charged enough money for something, you go back and pay for it. Almost two years ago, my sister-in-law and I got up early and went shopping the day after Thanksgiving. We went to a store where we quickly got our items and got in line. We then spent the next 3 hours in line, waiting for our turn to check out. If you do your math correctly, you will realize I was pregnant with my second child, Kaitlyn. My back hurt. My everything hurt. When we finally got out to the car, we realized they didn’t charge us enough for one of the movies we bought. With a sigh we went back into the store and spent another hour trying to pay back the correct amount. Needless to say, I have not shopped at that store since, but I knew what was right and I did it, though I admittedly could have done it more cheerfully .

We teach our children that other people matter. Their feelings matter. Their possessions matter. Ask your child if he wants to be treated the way he just treated someone. Think back to when you have served others. Do you feel better about yourself? I know a woman who served others in her lonliest hour. When her mother died, she made bread. She made a lot of bread and delivered it to her neighbors. She felt so much better. She had served others.

Take advantage of your child’s young years. I believe the first 8 years of your child’s life provide you with an opportunity to train that you will never again have. Teach and train your children while you are still “cool”—while you are still the center of their universe and have an influence over their every action. You child is like a young sapling in the preschool years. You can direct his growth. Don’t wait until he is a strong tree—you can’t move him then. It takes work, it takes effort, but you can do it and it is certainly worth it.

My Blog: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/

I attended a church conference this past April and one talk really stood out to me –and stood out to all mothers I talked to. It was presented by one of our church Elders, M. Russell Ballard and I wish to share some highlights from his message entitled Daughters of God.

“While women live in homes under many different circumstances—married, single, widowed, or divorced, some with children and some without—all are beloved of God, and He has a plan for His righteous daughters to receive the highest blessings of eternity.”

“… I surely know that there is no role in life more essential and more eternal than that of motherhood.”

“There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family.”

“I am impressed by countless mothers who have learned how important it is to focus on the things that can only be done in a particular season of life. If a child lives with parents for 18 or 19 years, that span is only one-fourth of a parent’s life. And the most formative time of all, the early years in a child’s life, represents less than one-tenth of a parent’s normal life. It is crucial to focus on our children for the short time we have them with us and to seek, with the help of the Lord, to teach them all we can before they leave our homes. This eternally important work falls to mothers and fathers as equal partners. I am grateful that today many fathers are more involved in the lives of their children. But I believe that the instincts and the intense nurturing involvement of mothers with their children will always be a major key to their well-being.”

“We need to remember that the full commitment of motherhood and of putting children first can be difficult. Through my own four-generation experience in our family, and through discussions with mothers of young children throughout the Church, I know something of a mother’s emotions that accompany her commitment to be at home with young children. There are moments of great joy and incredible fulfillment, but there are also moments of a sense of inadequacy, monotony, and frustration. Mothers may feel they receive little or no appreciation for the choice they have made. Sometimes even husbands seem to have no idea of the demands upon their wives.”

“We want you to be happy and successful in your families and to have the validation and support you need and deserve. So today, let me ask and briefly answer four questions. While my answers may seem extremely simple, if the simple things are being tended to, a mother’s life can be most rewarding.”

QUESTION 1: What can you do, as a young mother, to reduce the pressure and enjoy your family more?

• First, recognize that the joy of motherhood comes in moments. There will be hard times and frustrating times. But amid the challenges, there are shining moments of joy and satisfaction. Author Anna Quindlen reminds us not to rush past the fleeting moments. She said: “The biggest mistake I made [as a parent] is the one that most of us make. . . . I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of [my three children] sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages six, four, and one. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less”(Loud and Clear [2004], 10–11).
• Second, don’t overschedule yourselves or your children. We live in a world that is filled with options. If we are not careful, we will find every minute jammed with social events, classes, exercise time, book clubs, scrapbooking, Church callings, music, sports, the Internet, and our favorite TV shows. One mother told me of a time that her children had 29 scheduled commitments every week: music lessons, Scouts, dance, Little League, day camps, soccer, art, and so forth. She felt like a taxi driver. Finally, she called a family meeting and announced, “Something has to go; we have no time to ourselves and no time for each other.” Families need unstructured time when relationships can deepen and real parenting can take place. Take time to listen, to laugh, and to play together.
• Third, even as you try to cut out the extra commitments, sisters, find some time for yourself to cultivate your gifts and interests. Pick one or two things that you would like to learn or do that will enrich your life, and make time for them. Water cannot be drawn from an empty well, and if you are not setting aside a little time for what replenishes you, you will have less and less to give to others, even to your children. Avoid any kind of substance abuse, mistakenly thinking that it will help you accomplish more. And don’t allow yourself to be caught up in the time-wasting, mind-numbing things like television soap operas or surfing the Internet. Turn to the Lord in faith, and you will know what to do and how to do it.
• Fourth, pray, study, and teach the gospel. Pray deeply about your children and about your role as a mother. Parents can offer a unique and wonderful kind of prayer because they are praying to the Eternal Parent of us all. There is great power in a prayer that essentially says, “We are steward-parents over Thy children, Father; please help us to raise them as Thou wouldst want them raised.”

QUESTION 2: What more can a husband do to support his wife, the mother of their children?

• First, show extra appreciation and give more validation for what your wife does every day. Notice things and say thank you—often. Schedule some evenings together, just the two of you.
• Second, have a regular time to talk with your wife about each child’s needs and what you can do to help.
• Third, give your wife a “day away” now and then. Just take over the household and give your wife a break from her daily responsibilities. Taking over for a while will greatly enhance your appreciation of what your wife does.
• Fourth, come home from work and take an active role with your family. Don’t put work, friends, or sports ahead of listening to, playing with, and teaching your children.

This is a summary of the talk. All “bold” have been added by me, as well as the bullets.

I hope these words can offer you comfort and ideas for improving your happiness in your mothering. I have long recognized that one of the biggest challenges of life is to be content with where you are. “The grass is always greener on the other side.” When Brayden (my oldest, now 3) was a baby, I would always think things like, “once he is sleeping through the night, things will be good” “once he is crawling, we will all be much happier” (he was extremely active) and “once he is walking, it will be much easier.” While all of those things were true, I was looking to the future too much and therefore missing the present. Each stage of your child’s life has its perks and its difficulties. Some stages are easier than others in general, but none is without its challenges. One I learned to truly be happy with where Brayden was, I was much happier.

I am personally not a huge fan of the newborn stage. I know for some that is their favorite. Not me. I am more of a toddler person. I love the fun of toddlerhood. I love it once the baby reaches one year old. With Kaitlyn (now 15 months), I really strived to enjoy her newborn months. Newborns are cuddly and so small. They don’t talk back. They are comparatively easy to make happy. Those first smiles and giggles fill your heart to overflowing. I truly enjoyed those sweet newborn moments; however, I can still see room for improvement in my heart. When we have our third child, I will strive enjoy those tender moments even more.

There are always things to get done. You will always have projects and chores waiting for you. There are countless jobs that are never truly done. Cleaning can always be done more deeply, and once you get it cleaned to perfection it takes a matter of moments for it to start to get dirty again. Remember that while cleanliness is a good thing, your children will remember and care more about the memories made with you than how clean your house was. Yes, you want it sanitary, but sometimes things can wait. This is a challenge for me. I find myself often putting my children off so I can finish cleaning something. When I seize that moment to play with them, we have such fun, and the dishes always do get done. Enjoy your children and enjoy your position as a mother of your sweet little ones.

Motherhood is hard. Applying Babywise principles to your family can be stressful at times. You worry that you are doing something wrong when your child isn’t “textbook.” You fuss over the schedule. Try to relax. Remember that your schedule is to serve you and your family. I always tell moms to work on things, but don’t let it consume you. Don’t put so much stock in how many hours straight your 14 week old is sleeping in the night. Work on things always, but also accept where things are at so that you don’t let these precious moments pass you by. Through these simple words of counsel as shared by Elder Ballard, you can enjoy your time with your children and get the most out of these years you have with them. Take care of yourself. Take care of your family. Enjoy each moment. Focus on the things that can’t afford to be put off. Prioritize your goals each day.

As I look over this counsel, I see how easy it is to apply it because of the principles of Babywise. Independent playtime can help give you time to do things around the house, and also to follow your own hobbies and interests. Knowing the schedule of your children gives mom the opportunity to leave the house and not stress about the state of her children—as much J (sorry Dads, but we often take some time to chill out, no matter how much we trust you). Couch time offers mom and dad a time to talk about the needs of the children each day. You can enjoy motherhood. To talk to moms whose children are all grown and gone, they always counsel to enjoy your children because before you know it, they are grown and gone. Let’s learn from these women and receive full joy from our position as mothers.

http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/

You’ve picked up Preschoolwise for your 3-year-old’s tantrums, Childwise for the back-talk from your 9-year-old, and Preteenwise for your 12-year-old’s moodiness. Have you noticed that there seems to be a common thread with many of these issues? While the books may help by providing some age specific solutions, the list below may prove helpful in working on the ‘root’ of the problem. Ask yourself, ‘is there a…..

1. Lack of oneness in the marriage relationship: disharmony; lack of communication with one another; lack of respect; not being in agreement with each other on instructions to child, training of the child, or discipline of the child; allowing the child to play one parent against the other; no ‘couch time’ or other vehicle demonstrating the priority of your relationship in the home; etc.

2. Lack of structure and routine: nothing is predictable–meal times, bed times, structured learning times, play times, time for chores or other age-related responsibilities, etc.

3. Too many verbal and physical freedoms and too many choices: arguing, complaining, whining, talking back would be examples of verbal freedoms; physical freedoms would involve doing things without asking, child telling you what she will or will not do, kicking, hitting, etc. Too many choices for the child’s age for example, a preschooler having to have a choice on what or when she will eat, what she will wear, where she will sit (the “wise in your own eyes” scenario from the videos).

4. Lack of consistency: As Dad & Mom do we ‘say what they mean and mean what they say’ to our children? Do we carry through when we promise her something, thus building trust? Is there a good measure of encouragement when she does do something right? Encouragement is a HUGE part of security as well as motivation for a child. Is there faithfulness in teaching and training as well as discipline and correction?

5. Lack of prayer and trusting God: Do we pray together as a family; pray with the child about the behavior issues; cry out to God for His help when we don’t know what to do, rather than becoming angry and taking matters into our own hands; Ps 50:15 says,” Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor Me.” James 1:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” John 15:5 ends by declaring “without Me, you can do nothing.” God wants us to be fully dependent on Him for the training of our children. Another thing that enters into this root cause is the lack of seeking forgiveness and restoration in the relationship after correction.

6. Selfishness: This enters into all of the other root causes, but is demonstrated in our wanting OUR way, or OUR time, etc. Faithfulness in parenting involves giving of ourselves (sacrifice) even in times when we
don’t feel like it. Phil 2:3-4 says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” There are times when the child’s best interest must be put ahead of our own desires or comfort and that is not ‘child-centered’, rather it is considering the need for training our child’s heart over what we wanted to do at the moment.

These are some things to consider and pray about as you seek Him for resolution to the relationship with, and training of your children. While these causes are not exhaustive–I am sure you can add to them–they are examples.

Edited from notes by Dianne Doty, wife, mom and grandmother.

Hi again. As promised last time, the next principle I thought I’d share with you from Anne Marie’s wisdom is the ‘Walk & Talk’ principle.

This is something we have found particularly helpful with our boys as they have reached the middle years.

It is a well known fact that men and boys will be more likely to talk and ‘open up’ if they are working in a triangle. i.e. They are working on a project or activity with another guy and so don’t have to look directly at the other person but can talk to them while focusing on something else (who said men can’t multi task?!). This is where Dad builds a go-cart with his son and they end up talking about deeper issues because the go-cart provides a bit of a distraction and the pressure isn’t on the conversation – it happens naturally.

Using that concept, Anne Marie reminded me of the ‘Walk & Talk’ principle when I shared about my frustration with knowing how to talk with my 10 year old son. I found that I was too often slipping into ‘lecture’ mode. If he did something that we both knew he shouldn’t, I would start lecturing him out of my frustration and that was not being productive in changing his behavior AT ALL!

So instead Anne Marie reminded me that in the Middle Years course they talk about taking your child for a walk and talking through the issues as you go. This has a two fold benefit. Firstly, it creates an triangular situation where you are not sitting and talking directly to them (which can be quite threatening, especially when you are still working on gaining self control yourself!) and secondly, it is a great way to burn off some of that excess energy and even anger that may be building up.

We have now used this principle on a regular basis and even try to do it frequently when our sons haven’t done anything wrong. We will often ‘Walk & Talk’ to encourage them if we see they have really been working on developing a particular character quality. That way, it is not a threatening thing but just a natural part of how we communicate.

On a practical note, it doesn’t have to be a long walk. Often we just go to the end of the driveway and back and that’s enough for things to calm down and be discussed.

Try it, hopefully it will help in your family too!

Until next time,

Charissa

Previous posts in this series include: Anne Marie’s Wisdom and More of Anne Marie’s Wisdom.

This is the final deposit on the Middle Years transition. In this post we will conclude by taking a look at the last three transitions: The growing influence of peer pressure on your middle years child, the process of moral maturation and a child’s inclination toward personal responsibility.

6. Transitioning to the Growing Influence of Peers

The middle years are marked by a greater sensitivity to the differences between self and peers. Any slight deviation in growth or secondary sex characteristics from what is common in the group will cause the middle-years child to worry.

Such an occurrence is natural and quite unavoidable. The young girl who begins to develop prematurely will measure herself against other girls. The boy who starts to show hairs on his chin or to grow disproportionately in height will become self-conscious about his differences. This awareness leads to a growing interest in the opinions of others in a child’s peer group. What is the group wearing, listening to, doing? Where are they going? And what does all this mean to me? The effects of this transition will be felt for quite some time.

7. Transitioning to a Sense of Morality

Morality is more than a checklist of good choices one makes in the interest of preserving self. Moral maturity means considering others-respecting the feelings, needs, hurts, and hearts of those with whom the child interacts.

We believe that clearly defined morality is the only foundation upon which healthy relationships and strong families are built. Only moral maturity enables us to get along rightly with others in our families and communities.

Because the middle years are typically far less traumatic than the “terrible twos” or the tumultuous teens, parents tend not to have a sense of moral urgency during this time. Yet if there is ever a time of ripening, when a child seeks moral knowledge, it is during these precious middle years. This is the time when you as a parent can encourage and shape the development of moral consciousness in your child.

During the middle years, children not only understand the wider scope of moral truth; they can begin to use it to regulate their lives. Soon they will be able to conform their outward behavior voluntarily, apart from the fear of reproof that so often accompanies a younger child’s moral decision-making process. The middle years are when your child will strike deep moral roots-for good or ill-with or without your guidance.

Younger children live off Mom and Dad’s values. But during the middle years, children begin to take personal ownership of their values. Are you ready to help your child make the transition?

8. Transitioning from Being Reminded to Being Responsible

The middle years are a time when your child should be transitioning from simply obeying the rules, on the one hand, to taking personal responsibility for tasks, chores, and behavior, on the other. When only obedience is at stake, your child will comply when reminded. When responsibility comes into play, your child does the right thing without being reminded.

As soon as a middle-years child understands what you’re asking of her, she should be expected to take ownership of that behavior. This may be a change for her and you. If you don’t make it a priority to teach her self-generated initiative now, you’ll still be asking if she’s done all her homework and picked up her room when she’s in college. In the pages that follow, we’ll show you how to teach your middle-years children to take the initiative.
You can read Parts 1, 2, and 3 if you missed them.