Normally I enjoy writing on this blog to share my small parenting successes while practicing the amazing tools taught to us in Growing Kids God’s Way. I also sincerely hope my writing is encouraging to other parents too. However I thought I’d share from a difficult day, for the same purpose, to encourage you.

It’s Monday morning after a busy weekend. I have told you before I am not a morning person. The whining commences immediately, and I began to get frustrated quickly. All the old standby discipline techniques are not even phasing her. Every single part of our routine is greeted with an “I don’t want to”, then crying, next tantrum, discipline, “I’m sorry Mommy”, Do it all again. It was one of those days when I was wishing for the pre-talking time.

It was soon after a forced and seemingly unsuccessful devotion time that God reminded me about something the Ezzo’s had said once. Some days your child will seem to have woken up “with a death wish.” Today she had, and she was prepared to take me down with her.

I was thinking “Why is today so tough?” I thought through the lack of routine and stability the weekend had presented. Family and friends had kept us going and there was probably a little too much fun. Hmm…what she really needs is exactly what she says she doesn’t want.

SO what did I do? I pushed through the routine and eliminated choices. There was whining, crying, and I didn’t see much of a happy heart all day. She continued to stick it to me until the bitter end. But at the end I cuddled her, had her “Look me in the eyes” and told her how much I love her.

Tuesday morning arrives and I do a minute of deep breathing before going in to greet her, and there she is my smiling happy baby has returned-well mostly, she is two ya know!

The older my darling gets the more God teaches me about Himself. I can think of many days when I’ve said “God, I don’t want to”, I’ve cried, whined, and even a thrown a grown up tantrum or two. At the end of every day though when I stop and pray He wraps His arms around me and says I love you. And if you will continue to push through tomorrow will be even better.

Question:

“Our 7 month old has been doing so well with his routine and as On Becoming Babywise II says, he is ready to drop to 2 naps a day. Which is great, but now he has more wake time and what can I do to fill up all that time! It seems we are getting into a pattern of using the same 4 or 5 activities, day after day or I’m beginning to become his chief form of entertainment and not sure this is the direction we should be heading. Do you have some ideas for this age?”

Answer:

When planning wake time activities, and especially when you are working on stretching wake time, it’s helpful to think of the activities in two categories: Self entertainment activities and interactive activities.

Try to plan “baby alone” types of activities for the first half of wake time when baby has just been fed and is well rested. Playpen time is the most obvious, but this is also the best time for trips in the car and walks in the stroller since baby is not as likely to fall asleep which then alters his routine. Then for the second half of wake time, plan more interactive things, like playing with him on the floor or even “reading” a book in your lap. This is also a great time for a bath, and even if you have had playpen time earlier in the day, you can always have it again!

If dinner prep happens to fall in the time that your baby needs more interactive play, try setting him in an infant seat and bringing him into the kitchen with you. When mine were this age, I would do a “cooking show” play by play of what I was doing while I cooked.

Attached below is a list prepared by a mom. It has some great ideas that will actually take you up to age Five!

Activities for Babies

(0-12 Months)

Alone

Pop Up Toys
Mobiles
Swing
Johnny Jump Up
Baby Mirror
Soft Blocks
Toys That Can Be Chewed
Books (Cloth)
Crib Gyms
Infant Seat (To See Things from Different Perspectives)
Bouncy Chair
Rattles or other toys that make sounds

Mom And Baby

Feeding
Rocking
Play Time On Blanket (Mom Helps Baby Develop Skills)
Singing/Eye Contact/Rhymes
Read
Bath Time
Walking

Activities for Toddlers

(18 Months - 2 Years)

Alone

Playtime in Crib/Playpen
Play Center (Theme)
Blanket Time
Magnetic Numbers/
Letters on Refrigerator
Dress Up
Shape Sorting Toys
Limited Free Time
Sit Time with Books
High Chair Toys
Paint with Water
Large piece Puzzles
Nesting/Stacking Toys
Listening Tapes

With Mom

Cooking Time (Real Or Play)
Stamping/Stickers
Rice/Corn Meal Play
Throwing Bean Bags in Container
Reading
Prayer Time [at meals and bedtime]

Outdoor Play all supervised

Walk
Baby Pool
Paint with Water On Patio
Sand Box
Bubbles
Outdoor Toys

Activities For Preschoolers

(2 Years - 5 Years)

Alone

Color
Playdoh
Toys at Table
Stamping
Finger Paint or Paint on paper with water
Peg Boards
Sit Time/Blanket Time
Listening Tapes
Magnet Numbers/Letters On Refrigerator
Water Play at Sink
Books
Computer [limited]
Lego’s
Sticker Books
Puzzles
Chalkboard
Picture Time
Stencils
Room Time
Video time [limited 30 min. per day]
Dress Up
Learning to use a pencil - print letters
Stringing Beads
Lace Cards
Corn Meal/Rice Play
People/Animal Figures
Lincoln Logs
Mini Trampoline

With Mom

Cut With Safety Scissors
Cooking
Reading
Prayer Time
Finger-paint
Games
Crafts
Character Quality Explanation/Stories

Chores (Training)

Watering Plants
Picking up toys on Patio
Sweeping
Putting Silverware Away From Dishwasher
Cleaning Fronts of Appliances
Window Washing
Set Table
Folding Laundry
Dusting
Cleaning Mirrors

Outdoors [*with direct supervision for sure]

Swim *
Chalk
Sand Box
Walking
Shaving Cream on Picnic Table
Gardening *
Water Hose *
Bubbles
Riding/Outdoor Toys
Paint with Water

For a more extensive list, see What Every Child Should Know Along the Way By Gail Martin. It is on sale now at GFI.org.

I had a request on my blog to elaborate on the idea of “Mom, not baby, decides.” I wrote this post and it has been very well received. This is another principle of Babywise that will greatly help you if you can understand it.

In an email Anne Marie Ezzo sent to me a few months ago, she mentioned the idea of “mom, not baby, decides” and pointed out that is true for all parenting philosophies. The mom (or parent or caregiver) is always deciding when the nap will end or start. The philosophies really differ in cues followed and whether or not a schedule is enforced. The mom who gets baby as soon as she makes a peep is deciding when to get the baby up, she has just decided to follow that cue. The mom who lets her newborn sleep 4 straight hours during the daytime, not wanting to wake a sleeping baby, has decided the nap won’t end until baby wakes himself up. Mom always decides.

Sure. But what does that phrase mean in the context of Babywise? Well, it means much of the same. But be sure YOU decide and not let the CLOCK decide. I think parents who follow a schedule can easily fall into the trap of becoming slaves to the clock. Always keep in mind that Babywise is Parent Directed Feeding, not clock directed.

This parent directed idea can and should be applied to all ages of your child. YOU decide whether or not your toddler can have some candy, not the presence or absence of a TANTRUM. Getting this “you” deciding practice down early will make future struggles easier for you.

I can understand parents, especially first time parents, wanting some sort of outline and case-by-case scenario that tells them “if X, then Y.” Yes, that would make parenting easier. It would be more like raising a tree than a human. Now, the steps to raising a tree do vary by the species of the tree as well as your climate, but at that point you can get pretty solid advice on what to do if X happens to your tree. You can tell a problem you see with your tree, ask your neighbor who has lived there for the last 50 years and he can tell you pretty definitely what to do to fix the problem. He doesn’t need to know much more.

Children have environmental factors, just like trees. But they have so much more. They have personalities and tendencies. They have desires and yearnings. And most difficult for the parent, they have agency. They can choose how to act and react! This is a great gift, though many times we wish we could strip our children of their agency. When you add to the mix the parents, things get even more complicated. Parents have personalities and tendencies. They have desires and yearnings. They have agency. Then they have a schema of the world. A parent has been affected by his life experiences: childhood, friendships, schooling, successes, failures, etc.

You can easily see why there can be no “If X, then Y” equation for your children. A book couldn’t possibly be long enough to cover it all. My posts on this blog alone cover over 300 single spaced, typed pages so far. Then you have the hundreds of pages of questions/answers. All of that is in addition to what is already written in the Babywise books.

This is why “Mom, not baby, decides…” is such a valuable concept for mom. Mom is smart. Yes, you make mistakes. Yes, you have to learn things, and sometimes the hard way, but you are still smart. You can take in all of the factors. You combine these variables and analyze them. You then work to problem solve.

Let’s say baby usually goes down for a nap at 9:30 AM. But then baby starts showing her usual sleep cues at 9:15. What do you do? If you were the “if X then Y” mom, you would for sure keep her up until 9:30. If baby really needed to go down at 9:15, then baby would wake up early from the nap and you would be left looking for the next “Y” to solve the current “X.” But this “X” could have been avoided. For the PDF mom, she thinks. Did baby wake up early this morning? Did baby have a rough night? Is baby teething or sick? Did baby go to bed early last night? Did baby miss a nap yesterday? Or simply, was that really the sleep cue? You decide to put her down right away. She sleeps her normal nap length, though she does wake up 15 minutes earlier than usual since she went down early. No big deal. That is better than an hour and 15 minutes earlier.

So mom decides. Mom looks at the variables and decides what to do. She isn’t governed by outside forces, but rather cues, knowledge, and experience. Does that mean mom is perfect and gets it right every time? No. We all make mistakes. We misjudge. We then chalk that up to our experience list and move forward.

“Mom, not baby, decides” works well because mom is better able to analyze the situation than baby. Mom has more experience and more intelligence. Mom can see the big picture. Mom has better goals in mind. Toddler doesn’t get candy because eating a full, nutritious dinner is important to the health and happiness of Toddler, and dinner is 30 minutes away. Candy can be considered after dinner, perhaps as dessert. Newborn Baby wants to go right to sleep after eating, but mom knows having some waketime will actually help him to nap better and longer. That will ensure he stays on his feeding schedule better. So mom works and works to keep newborn baby up for some playtime. It is exhausting for mom and baby, but mom looks past the moment and toward higher goals in the future. Mom doesn’t give in to the tantrum because she knows that will make future tantrums better. She also knows child needs to learn to experience disappointments. Child needs to know that a fit isn’t going to get him what he wants. She knows that giving in to the fit now will only make future behavior worse, not only tantrums.

So keep deciding. Of course as your child grows, he earns freedoms. But that is you decided if and when to allow freedoms. It is you watching the use of those freedoms and making sure he really can handle the privilege and opportunity.

You’ve picked up Preschoolwise for your 3-year-old’s tantrums, Childwise for the back-talk from your 9-year-old, and Preteenwise for your 12-year-old’s moodiness. Have you noticed that there seems to be a common thread with many of these issues? While the books may help by providing some age specific solutions, the list below may prove helpful in working on the ‘root’ of the problem. Ask yourself, ‘is there a…..

1. Lack of oneness in the marriage relationship: disharmony; lack of communication with one another; lack of respect; not being in agreement with each other on instructions to child, training of the child, or discipline of the child; allowing the child to play one parent against the other; no ‘couch time’ or other vehicle demonstrating the priority of your relationship in the home; etc.

2. Lack of structure and routine: nothing is predictable–meal times, bed times, structured learning times, play times, time for chores or other age-related responsibilities, etc.

3. Too many verbal and physical freedoms and too many choices: arguing, complaining, whining, talking back would be examples of verbal freedoms; physical freedoms would involve doing things without asking, child telling you what she will or will not do, kicking, hitting, etc. Too many choices for the child’s age for example, a preschooler having to have a choice on what or when she will eat, what she will wear, where she will sit (the “wise in your own eyes” scenario from the videos).

4. Lack of consistency: As Dad & Mom do we ’say what they mean and mean what they say’ to our children? Do we carry through when we promise her something, thus building trust? Is there a good measure of encouragement when she does do something right? Encouragement is a HUGE part of security as well as motivation for a child. Is there faithfulness in teaching and training as well as discipline and correction?

5. Lack of prayer and trusting God: Do we pray together as a family; pray with the child about the behavior issues; cry out to God for His help when we don’t know what to do, rather than becoming angry and taking matters into our own hands; Ps 50:15 says,” Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor Me.” James 1:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” John 15:5 ends by declaring “without Me, you can do nothing.” God wants us to be fully dependent on Him for the training of our children. Another thing that enters into this root cause is the lack of seeking forgiveness and restoration in the relationship after correction.

6. Selfishness: This enters into all of the other root causes, but is demonstrated in our wanting OUR way, or OUR time, etc. Faithfulness in parenting involves giving of ourselves (sacrifice) even in times when we
don’t feel like it. Phil 2:3-4 says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” There are times when the child’s best interest must be put ahead of our own desires or comfort and that is not ‘child-centered’, rather it is considering the need for training our child’s heart over what we wanted to do at the moment.

These are some things to consider and pray about as you seek Him for resolution to the relationship with, and training of your children. While these causes are not exhaustive–I am sure you can add to them–they are examples.

Edited from notes by Dianne Doty, wife, mom and grandmother.

Mondays are normally our “get back to the routine” day, but this Monday I was feeling especially sanguine and let the day just be fun. Why? you say after all the discussion of the merit of routine would I do this? Because this Monday was my birthday, everyone else was working, and I was feeling especially old because I’m turning 33- Why does 33 seem old to me?

When I was 10 yrs old I told my entire 3rd grade class how my Mom was too old to be having a baby at 33.

Here I am at 33 with a two year old! Funny how it all comes around.

It all started with breakfast in bed (thanks Daddy!). Isabelle thought this was very cool, then outside to watch the garbage truck which turned into playing with the hose as we washed the recycle bins and garbage can together, this was also very fun because we were still in pj’s and got soaked!

Isabelle asked to play in the backyard (in just her diaper now) to which I replied, “for just a few moments” and she said, “Mommy, get the bell.” I am telling you those kitchen timers are like magic to toddlers!

Once clean and dressed, off to Target and then to Chic-Fil-A, my favorite fast food, but I rarely indulge in as of late. In our local Chic-Fil-A the indoor play area is just a tad too big for Isabelle. She can get in but getting out…the last time I ventured to Chic-Fil-A due to invitation from a Mom friend I almost had a chlosterphobic attack inside the tube slide as 5 older children all slid on top of me as I guarded my sweet baby and eased her out.

So we ate and she begged to go play…I explained the rules that if she goes up she must get out by herself, as I reflected back and broke into a sweat. She agreed and was off. Moments later an older little girl obviously noticing my anxiety over the situation informed me that there were “mean boys” inside. I politely asked her to go up and check on Isabelle, she agreed ….but was easily distracted and gone before making good on the deal.

It was one of those “why did I think this was a good idea” moments. I searched the holes but no sign of her. I paced and thought about going in-you need to know I am 5′8″ and wear at least Large size clothes. This was not something I wanted to do. I rationalized I would hear crying if she were upset.

I prayed, and what I thought to be the “mean boys” came out and back through a few times. Finally I called up the tube slide “Isabelle”, and there it was, the reminder of why I have a routine and do training, the most beautiful 3 little sing song words.

“Yes Mommy coming” (Praise you God!)

Next I saw her cute little shoes scooting down the slide slowly but surely, next her ballerina skirt (its my birthday so I dress her extra cute) and finally her smiling face. Of course tons of Mommy praise followed!

You see we’ve been working on this for some time now, but today was the first public and prompt response I’ve received. And it was right before naptime!

We left Chic-Fil-A with no debate but a little talk of coming again (at least another 3 months from now!) Off to a long nap for her and I set out to clean out my garage and spray it with the pressure washer because choleric Connie simply had had enough of all this and needed to get something done. The pollen has been driving me crazy.

Tonite when I was cuddling and talking with Isabelle she told me “I had good day” - I had to agree
Happy Birthday to Me!