After waking from her afternoon nap, two-year-old Gracie predictably went to her father’s office, nudged him out of his seat and led him to the kitchen where she pointed to the crackers. Dad would oblige Gracie with two or three. When she pointed for more however, Dad would say “No”, and then brace himself for another round of meltdowns. How should Dad (or Mom), handle a challenge like this? Dad doesn’t want to spoil her dinner with snacks, nor go through another meltdown. But neither does he want to disappoint his daughter. Finding the right solution begins by look­ing for the actual cause. Just for a moment, we’ll step away from the world of a toddler and use an adult illustration to make the point.

One morning, Gary informs Anne Marie that he is going to prepare breakfast for both of them. In the kitchen, Gary puts out a couple of bowls for cereal and some milk. He then invites Anne Marie to join him. Gary’s menu selection of cold cereal did not evoke any disappointment from Anne Marie because she had no expecta­tions of what he was going to serve.

Now add this little twist. What if Gary said, “Hon, I’m going downstairs to make you the best breakfast you ever had, with all of your favorite breakfast foods.” Anne Marie eventually joins him in the kitchen only to discover two bowls of cereal and a glass of milk set out for her. The prob­ability is very high that she will experience some disappointment with Gary’s menu (even though she is much too kind to say so). This is because Gary created an expec­tation that was far greater than a bowl of cold cereal.

The point of this comparison is to show the natural link between failed expectations and disappointment. A similar response is also common in children. Gracie had expectations about her snack and her expectation led to disappointment because she was counting on something she did not get. In her little mind she planned the menu and wanted to control the number of crackers at snack time. So when Dad said “No” to extra crackers, disappointment was the natural reaction. What might the solution be? Someone in authority needs to manage Gracie’s expectations.

Instead of Gracie pulling Dad to the kitchen for a 4:00 pm snack, Dad should initiate the snack time with Gracie and not wait for her to come to him after napping. Dad needs to be the one taking Gracie to the kitchen. In this way, he is managing her snack expectations by removing it from her. In fact, when Dad became proactive with this solution, Gracie’s meltdowns ceased even though the fun snack time with Dad continued as normal.

Instead of expectation, you actually end up with the budding virtue of appreciation. We all tend to appreciate favors when we have no expectation. That became the case with Gracie. Here is the general principle — whenever you sense a meltdown com­ing on with your toddler, look first to see if the child has an unrealistic expectation. Is it an expectation that you can manage on his or her behalf? Once you grasp the principle of managing your child’s expec­tations it will become a handy tool for the next several years of your parenting.

What should a parent do when their child suddenly refuses to eat a food that up to yesterday was his favorite? Our first response is to tell you not to worry about it because this is not uncommon during the toddler phase. Children do not view food the way adults do. A favorite food is something they might delight in every day for two weeks while an adult can easily tire of the same food after two days. If the “all of a sudden” distaste happens with your little one, examine whether the challenge is a:

1. Nutrition Issue: The child needs the food because it is important to his diet.

2. Submission Issue: The child is saying “No” to Mom and not the food.

3. Appetite Issue: The child is hooked on preference.

4. Mommy Issue: “I’m the mother and you will learn to like this food!”

If the primary concern is nutrition, camouflage the item in other foods. Hide those formally favorite green beans in a scrambled egg, or mix them into your homemade goodies. If submission is the issue, this will show up in other areas throughout the day. Work on “Mommy knows best” in the moments of challenge rather than make food the issue. If it’s an appetite issue, revisit the types of treats offered during the day. And lastly, if it is a ‘Mommy’ issue, offer small samples of food without insisting the child eat everything. Be patient. One day your child will enjoy the same foods the family enjoys.

Choosing Your Battles Well

What if you know your toddler likes a particular food, but stubbornly refuses to eat it? Here is a story we first shared in the Preparation for the Toddler Years series that had a happy and productive ending. One day eighteen-month-old Jenna decided to go on a fruit strike. She knew if she waited long enough, Mom might give in and substitute some fun tasting carbo­hydrates in place of her banana. But Mom had other plans. Realizing a pattern was developing and knowing bananas were a favorite food, Mom served Jenna a small portion and then applied her motherly resolve. Jenna protested. That is when her highchair was moved to a boring spot in the kitchen and the battle of the wills began. An hour-and-a-half later, Jenna surren­dered to Mom and the bananas were gone. (Yes, there was some fussing but it was matched by motherly wisdom, calm and resolve.) End of story? Not yet. The next morning Mom placed a serving of bananas on Jenna’s plate.

We wish we could report all went perfectly on day two, but Jenna went on strike again. This time however, only for forty-five minutes. Suddenly, the bananas were gone and Jenna was happy. The next day, Mom offered a few grapes with the bananas. The fruit-hunger strike was over in ten seconds. Since that episode, Jenna eats whatever Mom places in front of her. For Jenna’s Mom, this was a combination of three issues; nutrition, submission and appetite. All three became players in the scenario, but all three were conquered with Mom’s resolve in keeping Jenna in the highchair until her meal was done. Please note that Mom did not have a need to win this battle for her sake. She was motivated to win it for Jenna’s sake. Will this strategy work for all children? We don’t know. But without resolve or clear nutritional goals, food challenges will begin to grow with your toddler in frequency and complexity.

Appetite, we have all experienced it. Even now as I write this section, my mind drifts to the pleasant memory of last night’s din­ner. There is a tempting slice of pizza left over and while I realize that I’m not really hungry, my memory tells me that the taste of mozzarella is something I would really enjoy, even though I had breakfast an hour ago. So how is it that our tummy says “No” to food, but our pleasure senses scream, “Bring it on”? That’s what appetite does. Appetite does not respond to need but to want. It’s a pleasure sensation, triggered by the sight, smell and memory of the plea­sure of food.

Unfortunately, we tend to interchange the words, hunger and appetite as if they mean the same thing. They don’t because they are two completely different biological processes. Hunger is a physical sensation. It is a response caused by a drop in blood sugar, which in turn sends a message to the brain calling for more food. Appetite on the other hand, is external and driven by desire, regardless of actual need.

How does this apply to toddlers and mealtime? If you’re the type of mother who is concerned that your child will not get enough food, there is a tendency to allow the child’s appetite to control what you serve rather than his actual hunger. You place scrambled eggs in front of your two-year-old, who rejects them outright — even though they were fine yesterday. So you ask, “Would you like toast instead?” When your toddler hesitates, you then say, “Okay, how about toast with a little jam on it?”

Wait! Who is in control here? Is it Mom or the child’s appetite? There will always be a time for fun foods, but when they are served to the point that Mom is no longer making the food decisions, then she fosters an unwelcome mealtime habit — the unpredictable spirit of the ‘picky eater’.

Because the health and safety of children is a big concern for parents, one simple way to keep your toddler safe in parking lots, or anywhere else when Mom’s attention is divided, is to direct your child to place his hand on the car. Using the phrase “hands on car” provides a concrete meaning to “don’t move” and is much more effective than Mom constantly repeating, “stay close to the car”, “stand still” or “stop”.

To facilitate the learning process and to make it fun for the child, you may consider placing a sticker of their favorite charac­ter such as Elmo, Pooh Bear, or Thomas the Train on the car, and then direct your son or daughter to place their hand on the sticker. We suggest you begin this training by practicing at home, in the safety of your own driveway.

“Hands on car” is another form of self-control and one that can be easily trans­ferred to other venues where you need your child to be still and safe. “Hands on the shopping cart”, “Hands on the counter” and “Hands on Mommy”, are all simple phrases your toddler can understand and obey. The small investment of time you put into this training can pay big dividends when it comes to the health and safety of your child.

Watching a wide-eyed toddler smile as Dad gently blows the tuft of silky hair of spring’s last dandelion heavenward and then, seeing the spontaneous clapping of little hands, bears witness to the amazing reservoir of joy he has and gives. A toddler takes his mother’s hand and pulls her toward the toy box because he remembers the pleasure of yesterday’s play and wants to share another similar moment. When little hands pull a face close to touch noses or plant a kiss, a world of turmoil comes under the spell of a toddler’s love. Toddlers have a unique and powerful persuasive­ness about them. They enjoy a time of innocence and play, when the joy of one discovery simply melts into the next and when every waking moment has a new adventure waiting just around the corner. The second year of life is an amazing, spontaneous, engaging, yet challenging time for child. Because his mind is driven by curiosity and a tendency to try and rule the world with a smile or a scream, it becomes essential to consider the many influence shaping his life.

Over the next several post, we will take up a number of topics specifically targeting the wonderful world of toddlers and how Moms and Dads can keep their little person safe, on track developmentally, and pointed in the ‘way he should go’. Enjoy.