Lack of self-control is what two year olds are famous for. Commonly called the terrible twos, I really had no idea during the extra sweet baby time period what could possibly be so bad. Of course around 18 months we saw the beginning and now at 2 and half we routinely are working on impulse control. Many have even told me that three’s are even worse!

I think I was under the impression at some point that taking parenting classes would make my child instantly well-behaved. Its my choleric personality that drives me slightly crazy. SO what’s a Mommy to do?

What I have now come to understand (and accept!) is that the tools I learned in GKGW are to be practiced for long time periods before results are routine for children. Here’s the positive side-you will see results at some point if you are consistent in your training. Remember, begin as you mean to go.

Self-control training has been a three fold process for us. First we train in times of non-conflict by practicing “Sit time” where she sits quietly for two minutes with hands and feet crossed, ideally looking at her hands. This is practice for times when sitting still is necessary but also it has become a point of reference, essentially so she understands what we are looking for when we ask her to “fold her hands and get self-control” in public. This practice can be started in small increments of 30 seconds with a digital timer, and work up slowly.

Now I have to admit “sit time” when first explained to me sounded both impossible for a 2 yr old to do, and a little like torture (that’s the sanguine me). But I tried it anyway and have found the practice to be rewarding in real life. Be flexible and know that this is not a punishment but rather a happy mommy training time. Some days don’t go as well as others and that’s OK. Think, that wedding ceremony your child needs to sit through quietly. Or that family birthday dinner that’s gone a little too long.

Second, there are times I am able to anticipate an emotional outburst and shorten or stop it by asking her to get self-control. If I catch it fast enough she can occasionally reel herself back in. This practice helps children to recognize themselves losing control of their emotions but catch it and see how an alternative response is praised by Mom and Dad.

Third, there are the uncontrollable meltdowns we have come to know and love, and/or defiance and refusal to obey. These call for removal of my child from the situation, and isolation. Commonly called a “time-out” by popular culture we use these to help a child to release their emotions and then practice gaining self-control on their own.

Babies can be placed in a crib or playpen without play items, and a timer set for a short time period. Verbal instruction on the expectation to calm down and get self-control is given on the way to isolation. When the timer rings check on the child, possibly console and discuss why the isolation happened. If the child has not gained self-control or refuses to do so, another round may be needed.

Older children can be isolated to a designated spot in the home away from the family, and instructed that they can return to the family when they are “happy”. Apology and love are also required to whomever the emotional outburst was directed.

Finally, lots of love and praise for catching my daughter when she exhibits out of the ordinary self-control has been particularly rewarding for our family. Happy training Mommies everywhere!

When our daughter was small and we had unresolved night awakenings I would ask our local contact Mom for her magical solutions. Her first response was always “How’s your couch time?” BTW this is a common response from all GFI alumni, be prepared….

Ok I’ve Gotta admit when our baby was an infant I found this question pretty annoying, I mean really she doesn’t know when we’re doing “couch time”, right?

Here’s a refresher on the “Couch time” idea, if you need it.

Once we have kids its our natural tendency to place all our free time and affection upon them. They are just so crazy cute! And we’ve all done the work to get them asleep at a a reasonable hour so we’ll catch up with our spouse then. Hmmmm…..

Actually, babies and children need a structured time during their day when they see Mom and Dad lovingly communicating and not focusing all their attention on baby. It provides a sense of security on their world which mostly consists of YOU and Your spouse. (If you haven’t taken GKGW I highly recommend this lesson by Gary Ezzo, it was moving for me.)

Here’s the how-to. We put our daughter on a blanket near us with a toy or a book. We tell her Mommy and Daddy are going to do couch time and she must play quietly on the blanket until the bell (kitchen timer) goes off. We started with a couple of minutes and have worked up to 10-15 minutes (depends on if we really have that much to discuss). There have been a few couch times that were short because of her wailing so loudly we couldn’t really hear each other. However, we continued to make it part of our evening routine and she now has come to accept it and even enjoy it!

Guideline: this is not the time to discuss heated subjects. As a matter of fact there are days we know that this excersise almost feels like a show to us but one we lovingly do because we have now seen results of the security it has provided our daughter.

So we work on our couch time, and I’ll admit being married to a pastor and working part-time myself some days it just doesn’t happen. But here is what I have noticed over the past few months. If we miss one night its cool. If we miss two nights its iffy-she may wake up at her favorite “Mommy hold me” time, 3am. If we miss three night its definite-I will see her at 3am, might as well set my alarm.

Needless to say, couch time is really important to me too. Side note: my love language is “quality time” so gazing into my husband’s eyes as we “talk” about our day isn’t so bad for me.

Related post - Ask GFI: Couch Time

One of the most fun times was introducing our daughter to the amazing tastes of food! What funny faces and great pictures! It can be challenging for some babies to make the transition so here are a few guidelines to get you started.

Once baby has overcome the initial time period of tongue thrusting and has learned how to take in rice cereal and baby food well, it’s time to start introducing solid foods.

When you first put your baby in the high chair begin training “High Chair Manners” by teaching your baby to keep his hands either under or down on the tray while Mommy feeds baby. Physically hold baby’s hands in this position until you baby understands the expectations and starts to do on their own. This is one of the first steps in teaching self-control and you will find this practice rewarding in the long run!

The highchair is also a great place to begin teaching sign language. Teach “Please” first. When your baby indicates he would like something say the word please and take his little hand and slide it across his chest a couple times. This takes many months but persevere and the results will be a wonderful help to your family. Other signs to work on once “Please” has been accomplished are “More”, “All Done”, “Down please”, “Thank you”. For a complete list of signs and diagrams see Babywise II.

My previous post discussed example timing of how to work your baby’s eating to your times. Until the age of one a liquid feeding should precede a meal.

Many Mommies choose to wean during the time period between 9-12 months, and begin formula. In our busy lives today its common for breast milk’s supply to decrease and therefore the need to wean to a bottle. Remember to be careful how much formula you give in comparison to a diminished milk supply. If  given too much baby may not show interest in eating the new food’s. Slowly decrease the amount of formula a little bit. Babies and children have a perfect internal mechanism that lets them know when to stop eating both liquid and solids. Another option is to give half of the bottle feeding prior to a meal and then offer the second half after. If refused then you know they have a had enough.

At each meal continue to feed baby food first with “little hands down”. Then soft finger foods can be placed on the tray with instruction given that baby may now pick up the food. Parents may enjoy dinner while baby is working on the finger foods.

Ideas include bananas, soft cooked veggies and fruits, cereals. While whole milk is not to be given until one year old Yogurt may be introduced at 9 months. Between 9-12 months most babies tire of baby food and are more interested in what is on your plate. We cooked our daughter’s food without seasoning initially to ease her into our family’s favorite foods. You can introduce all your family favorites mashed and cut small. Of course watch for choking concerns.

I took advantage of this time period to do some research on new healthy and nutritious ideas for our family. I have changed and added many foods since the addition of our daughter to our family.

This transition is a slow but very fun process, hope these tips are helpful and happy eating!

In the first year of my daughter’s life I had numerous questions, and the most challenging ones were all the many transitions we went through with eating and sleeping times. The first few months of feedings were alot about learning the cries of our daughter and evaluating her needs. We had learned about parent directed feeding in theory but there was definitely a learning curve. Most days it felt a little like a guessing game that I got just a little better at some days. It was when she was able to get on a 4 hour routine we really were able to relax and enjoy the consistency in our new family’s life.( For a more detailed explanation of Parent directed feeding please see Babywise or Along the Infant Way.)

Here’s an overview of the first feedings and an example of what the 4 hour routine looks like for our family.

Babies who are on a parent directed feeding routine begin life by taking a feeding every 2 and 1/2 to 3 hours, by the time they are 4-6 months moving to a 3 to 4 hour routine. Between 4-6 months rice cereal should be introduced once a day in addition to the liquid feedings.

Soon after baby foods are introduced, a new one every 3 days to watch for food allergies. It’s common for babies to take many weeks to learn how to take food into their mouth. Take your time and be patient.

Your goal should be to get your baby on an approximate four hour routine, again this takes time.

Here’s an example of how this worked for our family. These times are approximate within a half hour.

8:00am Bottle / Nurse
8:30am Rice cereal mixed with breast milk, Fruit baby food
10:00am Nap
12:00pm Bottle / Nurse
12:30pm Vegetable baby food, Fruit baby food
2:00pm Nap
4:00pm Bottle / Nurse
6:00pm Vegetable baby food, Rice cereal
Introduce solid finger foods while Mom and Dad eat dinner
7:45pm Bottle / Nurse
8:00pm Sleep for the night

Until your baby is a year breast milk or formula feedings are a must. Remember your baby has learned new physical skills by this time and will be needing the additional calories. Snacks are optional however we found them unnecessary until liquid feedings were eliminated at a year and our daughter was walking therefore requiring more calories.

My next post will cover transitioning baby from baby foods to solids.

Our son Brayden recently turned three. Before he did, I of course read On Becoming Childwise. While I was reading it, one section really jumped out to me for him. It was the section about providing the “why” of your moral training to your child (starting on page 79). I especially like the thoughts about teaching your child we do things because that shows love.

The Golden Rule. Treat others how you would want to be treated. My minor in college was speech communications. Through those studies, I learned of another rule: the platinum rule. This rule states that you treat others how they want to be treated. This is an excellent way of treating people. Anyone who is married can attest to the fact that two people do not want the same response in every situation. In most cases, for me to treat my husband would want me to treat him is far different from how I would want to be treated.

That is a tangent and above the analytical skills of a three year old. Back to the Golden Rule. I had already introduced this rule to my son. My son can probably be best described as dutiful. I have to be careful of what I tell him because he carries out my instructions as well as he can. He also has a rather large capacity for sympathy and empathy for others. Despite these qualities, we were still having troubles with sharing with his little sister. I don’t want to discredit him. By troubles I mean that I often found myself reminding him that he needed to share. He would then do so. Things were slowly progressing, but I found myself repeating my instructions to him every couple of days. I wanted him to naturally share.

I attempted to reach this goal by saying, “Brayden, do you like it when Kaitlyn shares her toys with you?” He would always respond, “Yes.” Then I would tell him that he needed to share with her so she would want to share with him. He would then hand her a toy. Sometimes I would follow it up with, “Doesn’t that make you feel good to share!” He would kind of nod.

I doubt it really did make him feel good to share because he wasn’t sharing for the right reasons. I was attempting to use the Golden Rule, but I was missing the mark. After reading through Childwise, I came to realize I was trying to motivate him to share by putting forth selfish reasons. I thought those reasons would appeal to a 2.5 year old. Ultimately, I don’t want him to share only to get something in return. I want him to share even if he gets nothing back. I want him to do nice things for others not for the physical reward or the many thanks received, but because it does make him feel good inside. Because being kind and serving others shows our love for others, as well as for the Lord. How was I going to get there?

I got there by emphasizing the love part of it. I read Childwise on a plane while my husband and I took a vacation without the kids. When we got home, I was very excited to put this new idea into practice. The next time Brayden was hesitant to share, I changed my approach. I asked, “Brayden, do you know why we share with Kaitlyn? We share with her because that shows her that we love her. When you share with Kaitlyn, she knows you love her.” That is all I said. I didn’t further lecture and insist that he share. He thought about that for a minute. He then chose a toy and shared with her.

I soon found that I wasn’t repeating myself to share like I had been. Just like that, he began sharing. Yes, we do have our days I remind him the reasons we share, but instead of being every couple of days, it is every couple of weeks. Vast improvement. Soon after I had introduced this new idea to Brayden, we went out to dinner as a family. The waitress brought Brayden an ice cream cone at the end of the meal. He was enjoying it and was soon sharing licks with me and with Kaitlyn. He wasn’t, however, offering any to his Daddy. I quietly whispered to Brayden that he could share some with his Daddy too. He responded that he didn’t want to. Instead of lecturing him that he wasn’t being nice and that if he couldn’t share I would take the cone away, I simply said, “If you were to share a lick with Daddy, that would show him how much you love him.” I left it at that. He was soon passing his Daddy his ice cream cone to share.

Children are loving. They want to be good. They want to show their love. When we put faith into the innate pureness and goodness of children, and show them how they can express that, they far exceed our expectations. Of course they need reminding and further training, but they can do it. They have pure, willing hearts. They aren’t born knowing what is appropriate and how to express different emotions (and what is appropriate varies from family to family and culture to culture), but as we train them, they will likely surprise us on how willing they are to learn, and how quickly they respond to the correct method of training for them.

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