With children either just back to school or looking toward vacation, let alone homework or chores that need to be done, every parent at one time or another will deal with a ‘distracted child’. Whether the child is ‘characterized’ by such behavior or just an occasional distraction, even the most patient mom seems to become frustrated when something is not done in a timely manner, let alone the mom who is learning to ‘develop patience’. Belinda Letchford who lives in a remote part of Western Australia wrote the following article. Belinda and her husband are GFI-Australia leaders, she also serves as a Contact Mum and home schools their 4 children. You can read more on her blog http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/belindaletchford. I personally thought the following would be helpful to anyone dealing with the distracted child and for those with younger children, there are some good principles to put into action as you are training your little ones in 1^st time obedience, focusing on virtue of diligence and perseverance. Remember; begin as you mean to go.

Blessings, Anne Marie

It is a never-ending task (or at least it seems like it is) when one of you children is easily distracted.  We (the mums) seem to be forever reminding, following up, and catching up because they didn’t get to it!

Here are a few things that I’m working on at the moment: Clear understanding of what needs to be done haven’t used Managers of their Chores, but one of my friend’s has used the tool from Mangers of their Chores, which is to make a wearable list so that the child has it with them throughout chore time, until they report back to Mum to say all is done.  Seems like a good idea for the distractible child.

When I consider how I best stay on track (and my mother wrote lists for me at 10 years old because I kept forgetting what she told me to do), I work best if my list is written up fresh.  I love the idea of a check list that is photocopied and is the same every day etc but reality is if I write the list, if I process as I’m writing then I do better.  I wonder if my distractible child is the same – more than likely!!

So instead of a reproducible check list that gets looked at each day I am going to write her a fresh list every day.  Yes, this will take time but… it will be time where we will be together, reviewing what needs to be done.  After all she isn’t remembering herself so she obviously needs more training!  As I write the list she’ll watch me and hear me as I talk about each task.  Involving more of her 5-senses has to be a good thing!

Simply done – we get together at the beginning of each chore session, I write a quick list of what is expected of her, talking about it as we go.  She takes the list and is responsible to bring it back to me – ticked off if she likes, when it is all done.  Hands on reminders!

Clear time frame My distractible child has a different understanding of time than I do. Her understanding of time is that it is a concept of space that needs to be filled with fun things!    We have talked about the fact that time is a set thing – I can’t create more time for her.  If she chooses to use her time unwisely, then she runs out of time for the things that she wants to do.  I cannot create more time.

A timer helps.  This then becomes her personal race against time, rather than a reaction against me.

Motivation – reward at the end I think a reward may help her as she develops this skill of staying focused and not being distracted.  The best reward I can think of, and it is a natural consequence that is consistent with anyone, is that when you complete a task on time, or earlier, you have free time.

I am going to ‘dangle’ free time as the reward/consequence of staying focused.  Free time to use as she desires.

Consequences If I look back at the consequences of her dawdling that I listed at the beginning of this post it seems that I suffer the consequences.  I am the one who completes the tasks she should have done, but ran out of time for.  I am the one that reminds, encourages, and coerces.  Shouldn’t be!

So first thing – I need to recognize the natural consequences of her dawdling (things not being done) and have her complete them in her play time.

My Responsibilities Whenever I start a training programme I have to look at my part to play not just the childs.

1. Have I trained (in this case, she has the skills for the tasks that have been given, but I will be helping her, guiding her to develop focus skills)
2. Does she have appropriate times to do the tasks assigned?
3. Do I follow up and inspect – she will push the limits if I’m not onto it and training will go down the tube!

How have you helped your child learn to focus?

Used with permission from the Forever Young blog

I frequently get questions from parents who have been using the principles from Babywise I, Babywise II and Toddlerwise from the beginning, but never quite saw the need to have a regular “room time” once their little ones outgrew playpen time. That is, until the new baby came! Or until they suddenly realize their 3 year old can’t stand to be left alone to play, for even a few moments. Is it too late to begin Room Time at the age of 3 or 4?  Of course not. Here are some ideas to introduce (or re-introduce) Room Time into your pre-schooler’s day.

It will help to make her room so that she isn’t able to pull everything and anything out, unless you have been teaching her all along about asking before she gets new things out to play.  I placed as much as I could in those plastic storage bins and either had them on shelves or under the bed or in the closet.

Then pull out just a few things.  Say a stack of a few books, and a puzzle or two.  And then 3 other toys, like a sorting toy, a couple of dolls, or some electronic toy.  The idea is to not overwhelm her with dozens of choices. Not only is she unlikely to really play with any one of them for any length of time (kind of defeating the purpose) but also, when it comes time to clean up, if there are more than 6 or 7 things out, it will seem overwhelming as well.

When it’s time for room time, be really excited and upbeat about the idea. “You’re getting to be such a big girl now, you get to do something extra special!”  It will be even better if, for the first time or two, she has something new to play with, or something that’s been put away for a while and she hasn’t seen it in a long time. Now, here’s the important part!  Those first several times, make the time short!!  Doesn’t even have to be more than 5 minutes!  Better yet, set a timer just outside her door and let her see you are putting it there, so that she can hear it when it goes off.  If it goes off and she’s having a wonderful time and would just as soon keep playing, all the better!!   Tell her she can have another “room time” later in the day, if you like. She’ll be that much more excited for the next time, and next time you can stretch the time to 10 minutes.  If, on the other hand, she spends the whole time crying, than again, the timer will begin to teach her that this is an objective amount of time and not based on how loudly she complains!  Just keep the time short until she begins to warm up to the whole idea and then slowly stretch it out.

Now, some children choose to spend some or even all of this time just laying on the floor.  That’s more likely if they have a favorite snuggle item or they suck their thumb, but regardless, there is nothing wrong with this. We all need time to have quiet time to think and reflect and if that’s how she spends this time, consider that she may be one of those with an active imagination.  If, on the other hand, you find that she tends to fall asleep, schedule room time for the early part of her wake time when she is well rested.

• Think For Yourself: Okay, this isn’t my personal reason. This is from Toddlerwise. “The less skillfully you think, the more others will think for you” (page 63). There is a lot of knowledge available out there. There are a lot of differing opinions on how to raise children. No two systems are the same, obviously. If they were, there would be no need for both. When you read several different theories, you run the risk of confusing yourself and creating inconsistencies in your parenting. However, reading different theories can give you a deep pool of knowledge to draw from. You will be most successful at this if you understand your Beliefs and Goals (Toddlerwise) (found in this chapter) and can problem solve using those beliefs and goals (see Problem Solving Using Beliefs, Goals, Why, and How ). You must be able to discern what is right for you and your family. No book can tell you that. If you rely on a book, or several books, you will all be confused.
• Children Are Individuals: I have three children. While they all have similarities with each other, no two have been the same. When I had my second child, I had to consciously tell myself that she was not my son. She didn’t have the same preferences he did. For example, he hated to be cold. She hated to be hot. I could not treat her as the same baby that he was. My third child is, naturally, also an individual person. I haven’t had to remind myself to treat her as an individual now that I have been skillfully practicing that for over two years, but I have recognized that she is her own self. No book can successfully tell you what to do with your individual child unless you write it yourself, and by then it will be after you have problem solved and gotten to know your child. You need to learn how to think so you can take the principles you agree with and want to apply to your family and turn them into reality for your individual child.
• Books Are Short: No book can possibly cover every scenario you will ever encounter. You wouldn’t be willing to pay the price for that book–it would cost too much . If you know the “why” behind what you are doing, you can tailor things to your child as an individual. If you rely on “if X then Y” statements, then you will find yourself in a panic when X happens and the book didn’t cover it.
• Children Are Human: Your child is a human, not a math equation. She has emotions and physical pain and a mind of her own. Perhaps “If X then Y” is often true for your baby and for most babies. But along comes a moment when “If X is not Y”–it is actually B, or more accurately, some obscure letter you have never heard of before. Yes, this happens. If you rely on a list of equations, you will often be applying a remedy that is not going to solve the problem. And, interesting to note, that as you progress in mathematics, the problems become abstract. I don’t have personal experience with this as an English major, but my husband, the engineer, tells me this is true. So even advanced math is not as simple as “If X then Y.” Your child, the human, is more complex than any math problem.
• Bumps Are Normal: Without a doubt, even the easiest baby will come to bumps in the road. As I said, babies are human. Humans are not perfect. Your baby is no more perfect at being a baby than you are at being a parent. If you have bad days, if you make mistakes, rest assured your baby will too. Sometimes bumps are something predictable like a growth spurt. Sometimes bumps might just be because your baby is having an off day for a reason you will never know. The reasons for bumps are as varied as children are themselves. No book can predict all bumps and therefore it cannot tell you what to do in every situation. You need to know the why behind what you are doing so you can access the situation and handle it appropriately.

I hope I have effectively convinced you to learn how to think. If you haven’t done so, get your hands on this chapter, The Land of Good Reason, and read it. I think it is even valuable for a parent of a one month old. It will help you see the bigger picture of what you are doing and help you avoid becoming legalistic in your parenting.

My Blog: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/

On Becoming Babywise II discusses the difference between childishness and foolishness on page 86. Childishness is on accident. It happens because your child doesn’t know or understand the rules. It is not because your child is directly disobeying you. Foolishness is on purpose. Your child knows the rules and disobeys anyway. It is important to evaluate if actions are out of childishness or foolishness because your response should be different in each case.

Babywise II explains it this way: Foolishness is a heart problem while Childishness is a head problem (page 87). The head problem simply needs information. The heart problem is a bigger deal because your child is choosing to do the wrong thing–choosing to disobey. Both require correction, but different methods of correction.

This might seem simple to determine, but if you have a child who is makes both childish and foolish decisions, you know that you as the parent often evaluate the situation incorrectly. Usually you are wrong in that you assume a childish action was done in foolishness. This can happen if you assume your child knows rules that haven’t been explained. You might assume your child should make connections that he just isn’t capable of connecting. Or you might be telling your child to do or don’t do something and he just doesn’t understand what you are saying. He lacks the vocabulary.

For example, you might tell your child to not run. First, does your child know exactly what running is? Even if he is running at the moment you instruct him not to, you can’t assume he will know what running is. He will think through what he was doing and try to figure out what you meant by “run.” Many will try to reenact things they were doing when they were told to not run in order to figure that out, especially if they don’t know how to say, “What does run mean?” Your toddler will be in the preschool years before he really can use words to clarify something like that. So be sure your child knows what it is you are asking of him.

You will see a lot more of the misunderstandings in the younger months. When your six month old blows a raspberry and splatters food all over you during lunch for the first time, you might touch his lips and tell him “That’s a no, you keep your food in your mouth.” The look on your face and tone in your voice will tell your baby he has done something wrong, but he won’t necessarily know what it was. Some might get it right away while others won’t. Those who don’t will usually repeat the action like a little scientist, trying to figure out exactly what wasn’t okay about what he just did. If you stay consistent, he will figure out more quickly what he did wrong. Your child will continue to be a scientist throughout his life as he grows up and tries to figure out exactly what is expected of him.

One morning we were in our church hurrying to our meeting. Our son Brayden was trying to hurry also, and started to run. I instructed him to not run. He was at an age where he knew just what I was talking about, so he didn’t run. He walked really quickly–you know that pace where they are so close to the run–, which wasn’t what I considered to be reverent enough for the church either. I might be able to expect an older child to know that if I tell him not to run that means he must also not walk quickly, but definitely not of a child this young. Also, I had made the mistake of telling him simply what not to do rather than adding in what to do. Further explanation helped him to know what it was I was asking of him. His quick walking in this situation was not a defiant action. He didn’t think, “I’ll show her; I’ll just walk quickly then.” His quick walking was a childish action. He did not yet know exactly what was appropriate and what wasn’t appropriate in the church.

Sometimes you will assume an action that is neither childish nor foolish was foolish. For example, a few days ago my daughter Kaitlyn (22 Months) was sitting on the potty. She reached out and unrolled some toilet paper. This is not something I have ever addressed with her. Brayden never touched it, so it hasn’t occurred to me to talk to Kaitlyn about it. This action was childishness. I told her we don’t play with the toilet paper. She told me “okay Mommy” then immediately reached up to it again. I started to give her my Mommy Glare and tell her that was a no when I realized she wasn’t reaching to play with it; rather she was rolling it back up as it was before she unrolled it in the first place. She was attempting to correct her wrong action. It is good to wait a moment to know exactly what your child is doing before you jump to your conclusion and start to discipline and correct.

In general, a childish act should get a verbal response from the parent. Tell the child no, explain what was done wrong, then instruct on what to do instead: “That’s a no. We don’t touch the toilet paper. Keep your hands in your lap.” You can certainly add things. If the child made a mess, you can have the child help clean it up. You can have the child correct any wrong that may have been done. Even if something is an accident, it still needs to be corrected. People don’t just get to walk away and say, “Oops.”

You can be sure an act was foolish when your child has already demonstrated an understanding for expected behavior in that situation. A foolish action will require more discipline. Exactly what you do and how you do it is dependent on the child. The child’s age, frequency of the offense, situational context, and the child’s overall behavior all factor in to deciding what to do (page 87). As the parent, it is for you to decide what to do.

Life with children is never cut and dry. Here is a story to illustrate. Brayden loves certain types of blankets. As he has gotten older, we have restricted where the blankets were allowed to be. At one point, they were allowed upstairs, but not on the main level. Then we decided it was time that they must remain in his room. I told him his blanket must stay in his room. He had a day where he left his room with it several times. This might seem foolish, but it was actually childish. He wasn’t leaving the room with it having decided to disobey, he just was in the habit and wasn’t thinking. The next morning, he left his room with it again. I told him that if he left his room with his blanket one more time, he was going to lose the blanket. I asked him if he understood, he said yes. I told him to leave his blanket in his room, he said “yes Mommy.” About 60 seconds later, he declared he needed a tissue and ran out of the room with his blanket in tow.

I knew that this was again a childish action. He wasn’t willfully defying me. But I also knew that something extreme needed to happen for him to have reason to remember the new blanket rule. I took the blanket as promised. I have never seen him so upset. He didn’t throw a fit, he was just emotionally upset at the prospect of losing his blanket. After a couple of minutes, he calmed down. He knew he had messed up and he was ready to take the consequence.

Later that day, I gave his blanket back. He was very grateful and told me he wouldn’t leave his room with his blanket any more. And he didn’t. So you can see from this story that childish actions still need correction. And just because the child understands something doesn’t mean it is automatically a foolish action.

Make the effort to figure out if your child is being childish or foolish. As you get to know your child, you will recognize cues like a certain glint in the eye when the child is knowingly disobeying. You will continue to misjudge. You aren’t perfect. I still misjudge Brayden, who is almost 4. But you will get better at it. Keep these things in mind as you determine if an action is childish or foolish:

• Don’t assume your child knows rules. Explain things to your child as age appropriate.
• Don’t assume your child will realize that if something is wrong, similar things are also wrong.
• Be sure your child understands what you are telling him.
• Be sure you tell your child not only what not to do, but what to do.
• Observe your child for a moment before assuming he is being disobedient.