We’ve dealt with lying. Boy, and how! We had a child who lied so often, it was amazing! I’m telling you, you just haven’t lived until a Children’s Church leader has called you because your little darling has asked for prayer from the entire assemblage of children and leaders because her aunt (your sister) has died “while giving birth” to twins! Then try to neatly explain that it’s all just a fabrication. All this while you are trying to convince the church leaders that you are the person to head up a new parenting ministry called, “Growing Kids God’s Way!” I can laugh at this now, because it was almost a dozen years ago!

I always give this example to parents who come to us with the “lying question.” You can see in their eyes that after they hear my story, they feel a whole lot better about their child! Then I look at my daughter and smile as I think, “You’ve come a long way, Baby!” Praise the Lord.

So, how’d we get from horror to praise? Well, here are some of the nuts and bolts we figured out along the way.

It is good to first consider the age of the child, the frequency with which he lies and to contemplate the reason the child is resorting to the behavior (imagination, parental unfairness, etc.). Beyond that there are so many factors to consider.

First, how’s couchtime? It’s amazing how many things can be affected without it. It’s always a good idea to look here first.

Next, how much training has gone into teaching qualities like diligence, honesty, personal responsibility (opposite virtue training)? Teaching the value of honesty is vital. Without giving a “fire and brimstone” message, an earnest conversation from a concerned parent about the way God feels about lying, what lying does to an individual and his relationships and his heart can turn a child around by giving them the big picture they never considered. Singer/Songwriter, Stormie Omartian, told her son, “Satan is a liar… All the evil he does begins with a lie. People who lie believe that lying will make things better for them. But actually, it does just the opposite. That’s because telling a lie means you have aligned yourself with Satan. Every time you lie you give Satan a piece of your heart. The more lies you tell, the more you give place in your heart to Satan’s lying, until eventually you can’t stop yourself from lying.”

Another common factor, is that the child has too much unsupervised time. Sin can breed a type of unhealthy independence that encourages lying. For instance, if the child has been sent to his room to do his homework and he has spent one of the two hours playing around daydreaming, the time of disobedience has fed a false sense of independence. Then when confronted with his sin, his natural inclination is to cover it and because he has already been feeding his sin nature, it doesn’t cause too much discomfort to his heart to lie. Face it, sin is pleasurable. If a child has had a grand time in disobedience, he will continue. Try keeping a bit of a tighter reign on the child – no extended periods of time alone when an instruction has been given.

Another piece of this puzzle is harder to explain, but so consistent, it is impossible to ignore. It is the spiritual factor. If a child has issues with abandonment, they very often lie. This is not to say that children of divorce or adoption are inherently bad * certainly not! However, it seems that something is violated in their hearts that causes them to feel they need to lie. Perhaps they are angry; perhaps they are afraid of losing anyone else and so they cover their mistakes. Whatever it is, it is essential to remember that our battle is not against flesh and blood. We must fight on the spiritual front with our spiritual weapons. Praying over this child and declaring that he is not a liar is essential. Stand fast on your child’s behalf against any lying spirit that would seek to destroy your child’s life.

So, your child has lied. Now what? After evaluating the reasons honestly, how will you react? It is hard not to take lying personally. It hurts! And while it is okay to show your child that you are hurt, disappointed and less likely to trust them as implicitly as you would like to be able to, it is not okay to allow them to feel that there is no forgiveness, no hope for relationship or you will never think of them the same again. God never does that to us no matter what we do.

Naturally there will be consequences. It depends greatly on the pattern of lying and what the lie was about. In our home, if a child lied, it was an automatic chastisable offense. If the child would have had consequences of any kind for the action they are lying about (not doing homework, disobeying, etc.) they received those consequences along with the additional consequence for lying. It is important to separate the offenses. A child must see that he would have been better off to just tell the truth no matter what.

In addition, a time of looking over his shoulder to make sure of compliance and honesty is appropriate. If a child is lying about things outside your home, restrict his activities outside the home. The logic is simple, “If I can’t trust you outside the home, you will have to stay here.”

We had a child look up and write out different verses that reveal how God views lying. It was very eye-opening. It is important that children understand what is at the core of lying.

Lying is no small thing. Few behaviors we confront as parents strike so close to our hearts and threaten our children’s lives and spirits the way lying does. It is important to not underestimate the implications of having a child who lies. And though some issues we face can be met head on and conquered, lying is a battle that we will need to fight on many fronts. It is best to surround the enemy of lying with all your forces and attack wholeheartedly. Remember always that it is lying that is your enemy, NOT the child who is lying. So gather your forces. You’ll need a frontal attack of determination and refusal to accept lying. You’ll flank the sides with training in honesty, virtue, integrity and obedience. You’ll attack from the rear with swift consequences that won’t permit any escaping enemies. And with every move, you’ll make unconditional love your battle cry, reassuring your child that no matter what they do or how much you are hurt, you will always love them. Together, you and your child can route the enemy and have the relationship you want.

Permission granted by Tim and Ami Loper of Miracle Books.  The original version of this article can be found in the Summer 2005 edition of “Oh Yeah”.

I think one of the hardest things for humans to do is to be happy where they are in life. “The grass is always greener on the other side.” This isn’t always necessarily a bad trait. It motivates us to improve our lives and surroundings. It helps us to improve ourselves. But it can also help us to be unhappy with our current situation and always look hopefully to the future without enjoying the present. It is this weakness I wish to address today.

I talk about this often, perhaps because it is something that I have trouble with and find myself continually working on it. I encourage everyone (including myself) to learn to enjoy each stage of life for what it is. I often hear young mothers long for the future when they will have time to do all the things they want to do, and older mothers long for those fun times with their young children. It is good to have goals and good to have fond memories, but we mustn’t let these two things rob us of the life we are currently living.

Let’s take stages of our children’s lives. I have often shared that my least favorite stage is the newborn stage. I much prefer the toddler stage, and I love having conversations with my son. I have good friends whose favorite stage is the newborn stage. Everyone has their preferred stages. When we recognize that each stage has its benefits and its drawbacks, we can learn to be happy where we are. There isn’t a stage where everything is perfect. You have long nights of newborn life, tantrums of toddlerhood, talking back of pre-teens, and power struggles with teenagers. We minimize these difficulties through applied principles of the –wise series, but we still encounter difficulties along the way. We also have the good qualities of stages. Newborns don’t talk back and are content to cuddle with you, toddlers are constantly learning and are fascinated with every detail of life around them, pre-teens amaze us with their intelligence, and in teen years we can start to really enjoy the fruits of our labors as our children-turning-adults make wise decisions. Whatever stage(s) your child(ren) is at, I encourage you to focus on the things you love about it—enjoy each good thing that you will never see again from that child.

There is also a major lifestyle difference among all the stages of life. As a mother with two young children, I have certain times of day that we I “stuck” home, except in those extenuating circumstances when we take advantage of flexibility in our schedule. For naptime, we are home each day. This limits the number of hours we can spend running errands or playing at the park. Also, no matter how well behaved your children are, it is hard to run errands with them.

Right now, I am also pregnant with my third child. Pregnancy is hard on me; I am one of those women who is really, really sick 24 hours a day for 9 months. One day a few weeks ago, a sweet friend of mine dropped by unexpectedly with dinner for my family. This friend of mine has no children. She and her husband have been trying to have children for 4-5 years. They have tried in-vitro several times without success, and are now waiting with many other parents to be chosen as adoptive parents.

I looked at her that day as she stood in my kitchen, hair all perfect, body unaffected by children, able to come and go as she pleases, and for a fleeting moment, I envied her and longed for the day to come when I could be back to that position in life. It quickly passed me, though, and I realized she, too, must envy me. I have children. I might have a hard time being pregnant, but she will likely never know what it feels like to be pregnant. She lives each day wondering if it will be the day she gets a phone call telling her they have been chosen to adopt a baby. She might have freedom right now, but she doesn’t want it. She longs to be in the position I am: sick, pregnant, and stuck and home each afternoon as the children take a nap. I knew my desires were selfish and that I needed to realign myself and be grateful for the many blessings I have.

I have also watched women whose children are grown and getting married fall into a state of depression as they “lost” their children. They went through the marriage of their children unhappy, mourning the loss of a child rather than celebrating the addition of one. What a tragedy and loss of a moment that will never happen again.

You will be much happier in life as you come to be able to enjoy each stage of your life for what it is. Some stages will be harder for you than others. There will be stages where you wish you could freeze everyone and live that moment forever. Find the good of where you are. Relish every moment. Time does not wait while you feel sorry for yourself; take advantage of each moment you have in life, and you can be truly happy.

My blog: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/

My darling two and half year old began asking me to potty train about a week before vacation, so I told her we would do it upon our return. She did not forget, and immediately asked again about it once once we were home sweet home. Isabelle’s best friend has been potty training and therefore Isabelle is enamored with the glamor of “wearing panties”. So while Mommy wasn’t completely sure all the readiness signs were there we went to the Mommy mecca, Target, and stocked up on all the necessary supplies-especially the coveted panties.

I’ll admit up front while I know its a necessary thing, I’d rather change diapers for another year. It’s selfish of me, so I realized I needed to suck it up and just do it. I had taken my Potty Training 1-2-3 book on vacation and skimmed it. Also, my Mom had trained all 3 of her children in 1 day, me being the oldest trained in 1977, so if she could do it so can I, I thought.

The big day began with a cute pair of Minnie Mouse panties that were wet before breakfast ended-this I did not understand as she hadn’t even drank anything yet. Moving on to a princess pair and the doll demo began, wet again before the doll had the chance to even “drink” something. “I can do this, show no frustration,” I say to myself, on to panties #s 3-12 in less than 4 hours. I noticed she was going about every 10-15 minutes! Now I had stocked up but I thought surely 12 pairs would be enough.

As nap approached I happily put a diaper on my daughter, loved on her lots, and told her that her body was just not ready yet. Phew, I thought, let’s just put this off for a while. But I underestimated my daughter’s love for wearing the panties, she did not stop asking. So I contacted my Mommy mentor who has 4 potty trained children, and her advice was to try again, it will probably click if I will persevere longer than half a day.

That’s when my husband said he would happily do the potty training on his “Daddy daughter day” while I was at work. Feeling my Mommy ego a little wounded, I agreed with the stipulation that he at least do the same skimming of the book I had.

Daddy was very sweet to Mommy when she came home that night in telling me that while Isabelle had only had 2 accidents it was because I had done the hard part of the training a week earlier.

Over the next week there were many accidents, specifically when we were out. You see I can clear my schedule for a couple days but staying at home by the potty isn’t realistic for long. There was one particularly bad visit to a bookstore-we lost a pair of princess panties that night.

I was calling potty training “8-9-10 when’s it ever gonna end” by this point. I called my Mommy mentor again, who reassured me it ‘d get better. And then it did…

It did click but it took Isabelle 2 weeks. To me that seemed like forever, but here’s what I learned for the next go around.

-Patience, patience, patience. Again another instance where I needed to keep my expectations realistic. I thought training in 1 to 3 days meant done with accidents in 1-3 days, nope for us that meant 2 weeks.
-Focus on Clean and Dry, not just going in the potty. The more we talked about Clean and Dry the less wet panties we changed.
-Don’t ask your child if they need to go, just take them on a routine set by your experience. We frequently took her while she said the entire way “I don’t need to go!” and then promptly peed a significant amount.
-Figuring out the right reward is important. My daughter loves chocolate so I thought M&M’s would do it. Now I will admit I was tad concerned about having an M&M addicted child in less than 3 days, but what I learned was she was way more motivated by those little dum dum lollipops that she’s done with in just 3 licks. My husband decided he’ll give her one of those for the rest of her life for pooping in the potty!

For the details on the methods of training I used please see the book Potty Training 1-2-3 by the Ezzo’s

In conclusion I asked a GFI friend if I could quote her about her potty training efforts with her second child.

My two-year old is ready to potty train…but her Mommy is not. I keep putting it off, justifying it by the fact that we are in a constant state of change these days. However, when your child continues to come to you to tell she has to pee-pee, and refuses to pee-pee in her diaper…ready or not, it’s time!

So after finding the little potty, I took off daughter’s diaper and let her “play” on the potty. We’ve started to do this during the day, which has been a more relaxed approach to potty training than we took with our first child.

Things have been going well with this approach…until the day I walked into our bedroom and found a pile of two-year old poop perched on my pillow.

We are now using a more supervised method.

Happy Parenting!

Up until about nine months ago, I, in my naivety, truly believed that people as a whole desired to be kind to other people and treat them well. Where I live, that is just the way people are. Sure, there are people who are unkind and motivated by selfishness, but the majority of people try to be kind to others and treat others with respect.

About 9 months ago, I was on a parents social networking site–my first time ever. In one group, one woman was basically getting roasted. She was being called all sorts of mean names and being ridiculed. Thinking these women who were being rude had simply lost themselves in the comfort of hiding behind their computer, I stuck up for the lone woman and suggested we all be nice and if we couldn’t say something in a nice way, don’t say it. I pointed out that you can disagree without being rude or belittling.

I was shocked at the responses. “That is just the way I am. If she can’t handle it, she should leave.” “I am just a blunt person.” ”I have to be nice to my kids all day; I don’t want to have to be nice here too.” Those are just a few. Wow. I was shocked. I pointed out that I consider myself to be a blunt person, but you can be blunt and tactful. Nope. They weren’t having it. This was an eye opening experience for me.

I will point out that I received many personal notes applauding me and agreeing with me. A few brave souls dared to agree publicly. As I have gotten to know these women better, I see that this situation really epitomizes who they are. There are some who are always nice. There are some who just don’t care how they treat others. If they say something rude, that is the problem of other people. They have the “right” and the “freedom” to act as they choose, and it shows in their parenting and parenting advice. That isn’t acceptable to me.

On Becoming Childwise operates under the premise that the readers of the book are the sort of parents who want to instill morality and good character traits into their children. When I first read that over a year ago, I thought, “Of course, all parents would want that of their children.” Sadly, that is not the case. I learned that nine months ago.

Childwise points out that without mutual morality, your child might become a bully or a victim. I can easily see this. You can’t expect that other parents are going to be teaching their children right from wrong. You have to teach your child to have character, and you have to teach him to have it in the face of adversity. Often times to stand up for what you believe in means you are standing alone. Very few will have the courage to stand beside you, even when they agree.

Good character is attainable, but you must teach it. I believe children have an innate desire to do good, but they need direction from you to teach them what good is. Whether you intend to or not, you are the greatest influence on your child, both by what you do and what you don’t do. You have the choice and the option to raise good children. And we, who care, must stand strong and valiantly. Perhaps our children can have a positive influence over those children raised by parents who don’t think it is necessary to be moral. Each generation finds it more difficult to stand strong and adhere to the morals taught them. It was harder for us than our parents. It will be harder for our children than was for us. The difficulty seems to be growing exponentially. This only strengthens the urgency that we take an active role to teach morals to our children.

Children have four general capacities. They are found on page 66 of Childwise. They are:

• Children have physical capacities. You must provide food, shelter, clothing and encourage necessary skills for life. We also should teach them how to care for their bodies. Teach them which foods are good for the body. Teach the importance of exercise. Remember, you must lead by example.
  
• Children have intellectual capacities. You must stimulate. You must teach your child. You must teach logic and useful knowledge along with basic skills. It is really easy to go throughout the day and do what I call “surviving.” Get from sunrise to sundown with the fewest number of difficulties and conflicts. This is especially easy to do with a child who has been raised on principles of Babywise. They are good kids who generally stay out of trouble. Mom could busy herself with housework or hobbies while the kids entertain themselves. It isn’t enough to simply survive a day. We must be actively engaged in teaching our children. On Becoming Preschoolwise offers many ideas for doing this. Simple structure and routine can help you ensure your child receives the needed intellectual stimulation.
  
• Children have emotional capacities. Nurture your child’s emotional well-being. You must help your children to monitor and control emotions. We all get mad. But we work to not get mad. We try to control our tempers. We take control of our emotions. My in-laws were very good at instilling morality into their children. Brayden (my son who is 3) has a short fuse. He can go from frustrated to mad almost immediately. If he is trying to do something and doesn’t get it perfectly the first time (he is a perfectionist), he would throw the item across the room. I have worked with him on this from the age of 12 months when it first cropped up. He is much, much better about it now. I can’t even remember the last time he threw something in anger. My husband tells me he was the same way. He tells me he still works with it. The amazing thing is that I have never seen his temper. He has never even raised his voice to me. He has amazing control over his emotions. We can control our emotions, and our children can also. We also want to teach our children how to control displays of positive emotion as well.
  
• Children have moral capacities. Teach your child to internalize virtues that reflect your values and the values of society. Yes, the values of society get more fuzzy as the years pass by, but there are basic societal morals.

We must give time and attention to each of these facets. Ezzo and Buckman point out that you don’t want a smart child who cheats. I remember in high school I had a friend who was really smart. She had a perfect grade point average. We were in Chemistry together our sophomore year. She stressed over maintaining her perfect grades. In order to maintain it, she cheated. She ended up being valedictorian. Now, I am one who would have been considered smart (and I hope I still am), but I did not cheat. Yes, it was frustrating to see someone be rewarded for cheating, but I honestly felt sad for her more than anything. I went on to college where I continued to work hard and not cheat. College was not that difficult for me because I knew how to work for my knowledge. I graduated with almost a perfect grade point average, above a 3.9. I was named most outstanding graduate. My name is hanging on a plaque in my department to this day. It all paid off in the end. 

There is one of these capacities that requires more priority, or first priority. That is moral training. “Moral training provides the objectivity needed for emotions to function freely without overpowering the child” (page 68). When you train morally the right way, you can have a child who is emotionally balanced, intellectually assertive, and morally sensible. Our society needs as many of these people as we can get!

Teach your children to do unto others as they want done unto them. To do this, you must yourself behave this way. You must treat others with kindness. You must be honest. If you don’t get charged enough money for something, you go back and pay for it. Almost two years ago, my sister-in-law and I got up early and went shopping the day after Thanksgiving. We went to a store where we quickly got our items and got in line. We then spent the next 3 hours in line, waiting for our turn to check out. If you do your math correctly, you will realize I was pregnant with my second child, Kaitlyn. My back hurt. My everything hurt. When we finally got out to the car, we realized they didn’t charge us enough for one of the movies we bought. With a sigh we went back into the store and spent another hour trying to pay back the correct amount. Needless to say, I have not shopped at that store since, but I knew what was right and I did it, though I admittedly could have done it more cheerfully .

We teach our children that other people matter. Their feelings matter. Their possessions matter. Ask your child if he wants to be treated the way he just treated someone. Think back to when you have served others. Do you feel better about yourself? I know a woman who served others in her lonliest hour. When her mother died, she made bread. She made a lot of bread and delivered it to her neighbors. She felt so much better. She had served others.

Take advantage of your child’s young years. I believe the first 8 years of your child’s life provide you with an opportunity to train that you will never again have. Teach and train your children while you are still “cool”—while you are still the center of their universe and have an influence over their every action. You child is like a young sapling in the preschool years. You can direct his growth. Don’t wait until he is a strong tree—you can’t move him then. It takes work, it takes effort, but you can do it and it is certainly worth it.

My Blog: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/

I work as a dental hygienist two days a week which means my two and half year old daughter, Isabelle, is at my mother-in-law’s one day a week and spends one special day with her Daddy. I was asked to share my thoughts on retraining after a caregiver has been with my child. In my case this is one full day a week and the occasional trip my husband and I take. In addition my sister-in-law babysits most weeks for our date night and small group meeting from church.

Caregivers vary alot in their approach to discipline. Many are open to parents suggestions and are willing to continue your training efforts to the benefit of their own positive success. My first recommendation is to find such a caregiver whenever possible. Keep communication lines open with regular reminders of what skills you are currently working on and how. Remember to keep it short!

Family members can be excellent caregivers because they will love your child more, however this sometimes translates to spoiling. We have learned to value the relationships that our family has with Isabelle and have determined any retraining that is necessary to be worth the time our daughter spends with family, especially those who love the Lord and are living a life of example.

Our “how to” on retraining is two fold. First we are careful to communicate to our family about our training and let them know how they can support us. We know their resolve may not be the same as ours and that’s ok. Second, we are diligent in our training both the day before and after her time away from us, to reinforce our expectations and direction.

Lastly, we cover our daughter in prayer for her self-control development, so she may grow up to become a light for Jesus.

Last thoughts- my Mom ran an in home day care while I lived at home as a teenager and there are many little things I learned. Such as the little girl who walked for the first time, but the strict instructions I received to not tell her Mom that she walked in our home first. And the little boy who spoke in our home because my mother required him to, but wouldn’t say a thing to his own Mom as she allowed his pacifier to stay. And the child who had clearly recovered completely from his “boo-boo” and was playing quietly, but broke into full tears over it when his Mom appeared on the scene.

As I reflected on these times with my Mom we came to a conclusion that I also see in my own life. Children are brilliant and they know the expectations that are present in every care giving environment.

I will note that it seems to me that sometimes we take two steps forward in training and then the day I work its one step back. However, the reason maybe that days when I work MY parental resolve isn’t as strong as it should be. I’ve found its hard to find the energy to correct a child you haven’t seen all day and just want to love on.

Even if you don’t work outside the home there will be times we all need to spend away from our children. Be encouraged that the expectations and training you have done will not disappear, however you may just have to work a little harder to reestablish them upon your return. I believe children become stronger for the challenge.