Boundaries give us freedom. When we know the choices, the limits, and the consequences, we are able to make a full decision. We are aware of what will happen when we cross the line and what will happen when we stay far from the line. We are free to live our life in the way we really want to.

Our children will grow up. They are growing up each day. The time to teach them about boundaries is now, not later. You train them now while the stakes are low. Most choices they make at the age of toddlerhood are not going to make or break something of huge significance (at least from an adult perspective). We aren’t talking about grades that will affect which college to get in to or committing some crime that gives them a record or worse. This isn’t to say that the things you teach them at this young age are of little importance or that your toddler can’t possibly make a choice that can be detrimental to him. It is to say that giving your child boundaries now will teach him about choices and consequences, so when he has those more important choices in the future he is better equipped to handle them. He will know that consequences are real and will have respect for them.

On Becoming Toddlerwise states that boundaries take on two forms. Physical boundaries and neurologic boundaries. Physical boundaries are important for your toddler. Your toddler lacks the knowledge and life experience to know what can be dangerous and what cannot. These are boundaries for health and safety. Neurologic boundaries are associated with learning. Your toddler is an individual; “…your toddler’s developing brain sets its own boundaries and has its own way of organizing” (Toddlerwise, p.30).

A good way to teach your child about consequences and choices is to put in place your physical boundaries. You have certain things he can’t touch and certain places he can’t go. You have certain times he needs to wash his hands. You also have your neurologic boundaries. There are activities your child doesn’t do yet because he isn’t mentally ready for them. He needs to learn smaller steps to lead up to the activity. You limit his time in front of the television to allow for active rather than passive learning. You guide his curiosity to help him learn rather than letting him wander at will in order to learn. You provide structure, guidance, and proactive teaching. You keep freedoms equal to your toddler’s self-control.

I would like to revisit my illustration on boundaries from the last post. Remember the three papers? Let’s discuss how this might be applied to your child in real life.

SITUATION ONE: I put before you three pieces of paper, each with a different picture on it. I then tell you to pick one, so you do. I then deliver a consequence for your choice.

I think as parents we do this to our children more than we realize. The problem with this situation is that we are delivering consequences to our children without first explaining the rules. In this illustration, they don’t even really know what they are picking. Perhaps you tell your child to choose a shirt for the day. The activities of the day require a dressy shirt, but your child doesn’t know that. He chooses a shirt with Lightening McQueen on it. You are a little stressed because today is a busy day. You become frustrated with his choice and reprimand him. Maybe you remain calm and don’t reprimand him, but tell him he can’t wear his fun red shirt, he has to wear his white polo shirt and he gets upset. You then punish him for getting upset at your instruction. In reality, this wasn’t fair. He started off thinking he was choosing his shirt for the day. He chooses and feels proud of himself for being so responsible. You then reprimanded or chose for him and he naturally becomes disappointed, which earns him more negative consequences.

Here is another possible scenario with this situation. You might tell your child he can finish his show if he wants to before bed. Once the show is over and bedtime arrives, you tell him there is no time for a story tonight because he chose to watch a show instead. He is disappointed because he loves to read stories with you before bed. The problem here is that you didn’t tell him if he watched his show he wouldn’t get to have a story before bed.

Sometimes you might find that you have taken this scenario a bit further. About a month ago, our family went to visit a couple who had just adopted their first baby. I guess I assumed my three and a half year old son would know how to act and what would be expected of him. The couple we were going to visit are good friends of ours. They love children, and having previously had none of their own, they were surrogate children to all they knew. My children love them. My son was very excited to be there and expected the same level of attention he had always enjoyed. He basically got hyper in the excitement. I was disappointed in this. I realized I had expected him to see the choices he had before him and to also choose the correct choice without even telling him those choices were there.

A few days later, we took dinner to this same family. Before we left our home, I sat down with my son and told him the appropriate behavior for the occasion. I told him there was a new baby in this home and we needed to show the baby respect. We needed to speak quietly and we were not to run around. I also brought a few toys for my children to play with to keep them occupied—you know how people don’t have toys for kids before they have kids. This visit went very well. In fact, it took my son about 15 minutes before he even talked because he didn’t want to disrupt the baby. He knew about the choices he had. He also knew the consequences of each choice. I didn’t have to threaten him with any direct consequences to himself; I simply had to explain to him how we show respect in a situation like this.

SITUATION TWO: I put before you three pieces of paper each with the same picture on it.

This situation can actually work well in the young years while you are teaching your child how to make choices and live with those choices.

Something simple to do to teach your child consequences of actions and choices is to give him choices. Of course you want to keep in mind the funnel and not give choices that are beyond his ability to handle them. At first these choices are of little consequence in your eyes. Let’s return again to the example of choosing which shirt to wear. You might choose two shirts you would be happy with, then you let your child decide which shirt he wants to wear. He then has the consequence of that choice all day. You don’t put him in one then change it an hour later when he has changed his mind. He chooses his shirt and then wears it for the day.

As he gets older, you increase his freedoms as he demonstrates ability to handle it. Perhaps you will increase his options to three shirts. Some day, he will be able to choose any shirt he wants to. Eventually he will dress himself. I have watched my son through this process. Some days I choose everything he wears–I do this for things like family pictures and special occasions. Other days, I choose either the pants or the shirt. Others, I let him choose it all. On those days he always asks me if what he has chosen matches. He has grown bit by bit and learned along the way.

This situation becomes a problem when you don’t expand the freedoms as your child grows into them. As we read in the –wise books, doing this creates frustration in the child. In summary, this situation can be useful in the young toddler years, but can become a frustration to your child if you do not expand freedoms as appropriate. You want to expand his freedoms so he can practice making real choices as he is able to handle them.

SITUATION THREE: I place the three different pictures in front of you, but this time, I explain that each picture has a different consequence. One is positive, one is negative, and one is neutral, but I don’t tell you which is which.

For this, perhaps a parent will say “Yes, you can have a treat from the refrigerator, food cabinet, or dish of fruit on the table.” The child selects a Popsicle from the refrigerator and the parent punishes the child for that decision. Perhaps the parent tells the child the Popsicle is unacceptable so he will have no treat. The parent wanted the child to choose a piece of fruit since it would offer the most nutritional value. The child had no knowledge of what consequences each option would bring him.

SITUATION FOUR: I put before you the three different pictures and tell you the first one will earn for you a piece of candy. The second one will cause you to lose a piece of candy. The third will do nothing.

This situation offers the child the options for a choice, then tells him what will happen with each choice he makes. This is the most ideal situation for you and your child. It gives him the option to choose while having full knowledge of what the consequence, good or bad, is of each choice. This is the situation that fully teaches him about his ability to make choices. It teaches him that consequences are a reality.

Boundaries are important. I know that many parents today cringe at the thought of putting limits on their child. They worry about stifling creativity and learning ability. They look to the future and all the rules that will have to be followed and don’t want to start that earlier than they have to. “Let kids be kids.” But not giving boundaries is a great disservice to your child. Without physical boundaries, he can get hurt. Without neurological boundaries, he won’t grow in intellect as quickly and he could otherwise. Without boundaries he will not grow as a person. He will not learn about consequences. He will have expectations of the world that the world simply isn’t willing to give back; only his parents are willing to bend over backwards for him. Help your child to learn and grow as much as possible by placing the necessary boundaries on him now.

My blog: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/

Every week I have errands to run. I have a philosophy about running errands that goes something like this: Never do anything alone (unless you need to or want to) if you can do it with someone else. Some errands I have to do alone. Sometimes I just want to be alone. Oftentimes, I enjoy the company. The other week I had to run an errand and I decided to ask one of my children if they wanted to go with me. The conversation went something like this:

Me: “I have to run an errand. Wanna come?”
Child #1: “Where ya going?”
Me: “I’m not telling, do you want to go or not?”
Child #1: “Is it going to be fun?”
Me: “Define fun.”
Child #1: “Ya know, like are we going to do something fun or can I buy something?”
Me: “Nevermind.”

A little dejected but not surprised, I then approached another child.

Me: “I have to run an errand. Wanna come?”
Child #2: “Sure Daddy! I’ll get my shoes!”

Child #2 gets in the car and off we go. We had a wonderful time. As we ran our errands, we talked. We listened. I shared bits of wisdom. We goofed around. We laughed. We enjoyed each other’s company. Our hearts were knitted together. There was bonding and fellowship and fun just by being together.

The errands took a bit longer than I anticipated and while we were out we both got really thirsty. I knew that a Cherry Lime Aide from Sonic could fix that and I knew that a Cherry Lime Aide would be a big deal for this particular child. With errands complete, we came home both drinking our massive Cherry Lime Aides and I knew what was about to happen.

As hydrated Child #2 walked past left behind Child #1, Child #1 became indignant. “You didn’t tell me you were getting a Lime Aide! That’s not fair!” As this child threw a mini-tamtrum, it hit me. This is exactly how we treat God.

Instead of desiring the Giver, we just want His gifts.
Instead of spending time with the Blesser, we simply want His blessings.
We don’t want a relationship with Him, we just want the benefits.

God is not like a vending machine. You don’t spend time with Him to get what you want out. You invest in God and THAT ALONE is the gift, the blessing and the benefit. Anything you receive beyond that, is simply additional grace.

Does God give out spiritual Cherry Lime Aides? Absolutely. But He often gives it to His children who aren’t using Him for one. He desires relationship and fellowship. He has errands to run and He wants some company. You wanna come?

Ephesians 1:3 – “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ…”

Mark 10:15-16 – “Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all. And He took them in His arms and began blessing them, laying His hands on them.”

******* IMPORTANT NOTE ABOUT THE NOTE ********
It is necessary to point out that I am merely sharing a snapshot from a moment in time. Every one of us have been captured in a negative light in various snapshots throughout our life. Though most children (regardless of age) desire the gift over the giver, I am pleased/relieved to say that this is not something either child is characterized by.

Timing and signs of readiness for dropping naps is always a question for parents, even those who have done it before. It can be hard to remember all of the details. Here is a synopsis of various naps, timing of when to drop them, signs that your child is ready to drop them, and methods for doing so.

Dropping the Fourth Nap

First, we need to define nap times for newborns. I consider any sleep that happens after 7 PM to be bedtime. So a newborn who eats around 7ish, then goes to sleep (this could be considered a nap by some), and wakes again to eat around 10ish, in my definition would have gone to bed after the 7ish feeding. My reason for this is that baby never drops that sleep between 7 and 10. Baby drops the feeding around 10 at some point.

The fourth nap is the nap that occurs between 4ish and 7ish PM.

AGE: I have found the average age for this nap to be dropped is 4 months old. Some are ready earlier (but really no earlier than 3 months) and some are ready later (but few later than 5 months).

SINGS OF READINESS: For most babies, the sign for this nap to be dropped is that baby really doesn’t sleep well for it anymore. Note the word anymore. This is a typical fussy time of day for babies when many don’t sleep well in general. Don’t assume your 4 week old doesn’t need this nap because he isn’t sleeping well. By four months of age, baby is most likely playing around during “naptime” instead of sleeping. Some babies might sleep for this nap but then have a hard time going down after the 7ish feeding. Others might have sudden disrupted sleep at night.

Another sign would be that your child is ready for a 4 hour schedule. A 4 hour schedule will naturally drop the fourth nap.

METHODS FOR DROPPING: One easy method is to move to the 4 hour schedule if your baby is ready. Many babies will naturally drop this fourth nap as they move to the 4 hour schedule. As you extend your schedule, you drop feedings. As you drop feedings, you drop number of naps. Other babies are ready to drop this nap before they are ready to move to a 4 hour schedule. This was true for both of my children.

If your child is ready to drop the nap but not ready for a 4 hour schedule, you just skip the nap. Take note that the last two feedings might then move closer together because a baby can go longer between feedings if he is asleep than he can when he is awake. He also might need a bit earlier of a bedtime (30 minutes or so), at least for a few days while he adjusts. Some babies will be fussy for a few days as they adjust to the new sleeping arrangement.

One note, if you think your child is ready to drop this nap and is still taking a 1.5-2 hour nap at this time, try shortening the nap at first. Perhaps down to 60 minutes, 45 minutes, or 30 minutes.

Dropping the Third Nap

The next nap you drop is the evening nap. By the time baby is ready to drop it, it is usually a short 45 minute nap. Your baby will be on a 4 hour schedule by this point, so the nap will again be somewhere between 4 and 7 PM.

AGE: According to On Becoming Babywise I and II, this happens relatively young (around 6-8 months).

This can vary from child to child. The youngest it should be will is 6 months. The average seems to be 8 months. My son didn’t drop his until he was about 10 months old. I was reading Babywise and realized he was not supposed to need it, so we dropped it. My daughter didn’t fully drop it until she was 11 months old. one day

This can vary from child to child. The youngest it should be will is 6 months. The average seems to be 8 months. My son didn’t drop his until he was about 10 months old. I was reading Babywise and realized he was not supposed to need it, so we dropped it. My daughter didn’t fully drop it until she was 11 months old. one day

SIGNS OF READINESS: It can be hard to tell just when your baby is ready to drop this nap because it is already short. One sign is if your baby doesn’t seem tired enough for bed after napping in the evening. Other signs can be the same as the fourth nap: baby doesn’t sleep for that nap at all, baby doesn’t go to bed well after taking that nap, or baby doesn’t sleep well at night.

METHODS FOR DROPPING: This is a nap you skip. Some babies might be able to go “cold turkey,” or dropping all at once. If you choose this method, expect some fussiness as your baby adjusts. Be ready to be an entertainer. You could get a new toy or book or something to pull out only at that time of day to keep the baby happier. You could also leave the house to keep him distracted. When my oldest dropped this nap, I remember he was cranky during the stretch for several days, maybe even a week, but his body soon adjusted. before her morning nap and still waking her up from the nap at the same time. I shortened the morning nap. I also added about 10-15 minutes to her waketime between her two naps. These actions fixed things and she was back to sleeping for both naps: 1.5 hours in the morning and 2-2.5 in the afternoon. For some children, this morning nap might need to be shortened more than that. As I said, Kaitlyn is a sleeper. She is still taking a long morning nap though it is shorter than it was.

Another method is a weaning process. In this approach, you only give the nap if baby needs it that day. Some days baby takes the nap, other days he doesn’t. This is the method I used with my daughter. We started around 8 months to take it as a weaning process. If we were out in the evening, she didn’t nap. If we were home, I waited to put her down only if she showed signs of needing it. If she was awake and started showing signs of needing the nap 30 minutes before her normal feeding time, I fed her early and put her to bed early. At first, every few days she didn’t nap. Soon, it was every other day. Later, she napped only every few days. As I said earlier, she didn’t fully drop this nap until she was 11 months old.

Dropping this nap might move bedtime up.

Dropping the Morning Nap

When you drop the morning nap, you move from two naps to one. Dropping the morning nap is not as sad as it may seem. You suddenly have a large chunk of time when baby doesn’t have to be home! You baby will also most likely take a longer afternoon nap once the morning nap is dropped, so you have a longer stretch in the afternoon to get things done. This also gives you more opportunity for quality learning opportunities and activities in the morning hours.

AGE: Among the different “–wise” books, the ages for dropping the morning nap range from 14-22 months, and all are possible. Some toddlers do drop the nap as early as 14 months. My son was 17 months. My daughter is now approaching 19 months and still holding on to her morning nap. I am hoping for her to drop it soon, and every so often I try, but she isn’t quite ready.

SIGNS OF READINESS: For some children, this can be one of the easier naps to tell he is ready to drop. For others, it can be a real guessing game.

Classic signs of readiness are when your toddler is ready to drop this nap, he will still sleep really well in the morning, but for the afternoon nap, he will hardly sleep at all. This is when he is ready to drop the morning nap. This is how my son was.

Another classic sign is your toddler might not sleep for the morning nap but sleeps for the afternoon nap.

For some toddlers, things can be trickier. There is a transition time when the toddler isn’t ready to drop the morning nap, but doesn’t need a full nap anymore. My daughter was this way. When Kaitlyn was about 14 months, she started to not sleep well for both naps. This was extremely odd to me. She has always been a really good napper. She loves to sleep. I started to wonder if perhaps she was ready to drop the morning nap. It surprised me because she didn’t drop her third nap until she was 11 months old—I didn’t think she would be ready to drop the morning nap so soon after dropping the evening nap.

She wasn’t ready. Kaitlyn missed her morning nap once a week for church. She would then come home, eat lunch, and go to sleep for about 4 hours–making up for her missed morning nap. She was very, very tired when we got home. Tired enough that she usually didn’t eat her lunch very well. Based on this, I figured she wasn’t really ready to drop her morning nap.

Instead, I started lengthening her waketime

Others might be going through teething or some other disruption, which causes parents to wonder if it is time to drop the nap. Some might be able to start a weaning process from this nap where some days they take the nap, others they don’t. More on this is explained below.

METHODS FOR DROPPING: Your toddler will take his nap after lunch. For us, naptime started at 1 PM. Some toddlers need naptime to start earlier than this, at least for a period of time. You can have lunch earlier if needed and nap start earlier. Once he is back to normal, you can have the nap move to your (and his) optimal time.

With my son, we dropping this nap cold turkey just as we had previous naps. This is one option.

You can also try a weaning process. I find this nap harder to do a weaning process for. If your toddler doesn’t take a morning nap, the afternoon nap times are very different from when your toddler does. It can be hard to plan your day. If you have an open enough schedule that you can work around this, weaning is a good first step for you. If not, you will have to wait until your toddler is more ready before dropping it. You can also consider simply being more flexible for a week or two and allowing the weaning process, planning to hopefully fully drop the nap after that.

If you think your child is ready to drop the morning nap, you can always give it a try. My guess is after two-three days in a row, you will have a good idea if he is really ready or not. I suggest having other things to do to keep your toddler preoccupied. Errands to run, people to visit, etc.

I tried dropping this nap with Kaitlyn a few weeks ago. Day one was fine. Day two, she started to fall asleep while eating lunch. I could see she wasn’t quite ready yet.

In my experience, toddlers are not as cranky after dropping this nap as they are for others. When we dropped this nap with my son, the afternoon nap went to 3.5 hours instead of 2 hours and bedtime moved up an hour.

As your child gets older, the nap will shorten and/or bedtime will move back slightly.

Dropping the Afternoon Nap

The afternoon nap is the only nap of the day. Your child will move from the nap to rest time. I haven’t reached this milestone yet (though I believe we are approaching it with my son). I will summarize the information as listed in On Becoming Preschoolwise (page 100).

AGE: This is typically around four years of age, though age depends on the sleep needs of the individual child.

SIGNS OF READINESS: Your child will stay awake through his scheduled naptime.

METHODS FOR DROPPING: This nap should be “dropped” as a weaning process. You have your child lay quietly on his bed. You allow him to have a book or two to look at. You tell him if he feels tired, he should go to sleep.

If your child falls asleep but does so later than usual, wake him at the time naptime would normally be over, not X number of hours after falling asleep. He will likely be cranky from a short nap, so plan on him doing something to transition out of the nap (for example, watch a movie).

Over time, your child will nap some days and rest others. The transition period from naptime to rest time can take six months to one year. He will slowly decrease the number of naps he takes in a day.

If your child is cranky on days he didn’t take a nap, you can put him to bed thirty minutes early.

Notes for Dropping Naps

• Children are often cranky/fussy for a few days or so while their bodies adjust to the nap that has been dropped. Don’t mistake normal crankiness for signs that he wasn’t ready.
• Bedtime often needs to be moved up after dropping a nap, at least for a week or two while your child adjusts. For some naps, your child will move back to “normal” bedtime. For others, normal is now earlier.
• Sometimes the other naps are longer after dropping a nap.
• For babies and toddlers, dropping a nap doesn’t necessarily mean less sleep in the day. They simply rearrange the times they sleep.
• Don’t be afraid to try dropping the nap if you think your child is ready. If you try to drop a nap and find your child wasn’t ready, you can always add the nap back in.

My blog: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/

We’ve dealt with lying. Boy, and how! We had a child who lied so often, it was amazing! I’m telling you, you just haven’t lived until a Children’s Church leader has called you because your little darling has asked for prayer from the entire assemblage of children and leaders because her aunt (your sister) has died “while giving birth” to twins! Then try to neatly explain that it’s all just a fabrication. All this while you are trying to convince the church leaders that you are the person to head up a new parenting ministry called, “Growing Kids God’s Way!” I can laugh at this now, because it was almost a dozen years ago!

I always give this example to parents who come to us with the “lying question.” You can see in their eyes that after they hear my story, they feel a whole lot better about their child! Then I look at my daughter and smile as I think, “You’ve come a long way, Baby!” Praise the Lord.

So, how’d we get from horror to praise? Well, here are some of the nuts and bolts we figured out along the way.

It is good to first consider the age of the child, the frequency with which he lies and to contemplate the reason the child is resorting to the behavior (imagination, parental unfairness, etc.). Beyond that there are so many factors to consider.

First, how’s couchtime? It’s amazing how many things can be affected without it. It’s always a good idea to look here first.

Next, how much training has gone into teaching qualities like diligence, honesty, personal responsibility (opposite virtue training)? Teaching the value of honesty is vital. Without giving a “fire and brimstone” message, an earnest conversation from a concerned parent about the way God feels about lying, what lying does to an individual and his relationships and his heart can turn a child around by giving them the big picture they never considered. Singer/Songwriter, Stormie Omartian, told her son, “Satan is a liar… All the evil he does begins with a lie. People who lie believe that lying will make things better for them. But actually, it does just the opposite. That’s because telling a lie means you have aligned yourself with Satan. Every time you lie you give Satan a piece of your heart. The more lies you tell, the more you give place in your heart to Satan’s lying, until eventually you can’t stop yourself from lying.”

Another common factor, is that the child has too much unsupervised time. Sin can breed a type of unhealthy independence that encourages lying. For instance, if the child has been sent to his room to do his homework and he has spent one of the two hours playing around daydreaming, the time of disobedience has fed a false sense of independence. Then when confronted with his sin, his natural inclination is to cover it and because he has already been feeding his sin nature, it doesn’t cause too much discomfort to his heart to lie. Face it, sin is pleasurable. If a child has had a grand time in disobedience, he will continue. Try keeping a bit of a tighter reign on the child – no extended periods of time alone when an instruction has been given.

Another piece of this puzzle is harder to explain, but so consistent, it is impossible to ignore. It is the spiritual factor. If a child has issues with abandonment, they very often lie. This is not to say that children of divorce or adoption are inherently bad * certainly not! However, it seems that something is violated in their hearts that causes them to feel they need to lie. Perhaps they are angry; perhaps they are afraid of losing anyone else and so they cover their mistakes. Whatever it is, it is essential to remember that our battle is not against flesh and blood. We must fight on the spiritual front with our spiritual weapons. Praying over this child and declaring that he is not a liar is essential. Stand fast on your child’s behalf against any lying spirit that would seek to destroy your child’s life.

So, your child has lied. Now what? After evaluating the reasons honestly, how will you react? It is hard not to take lying personally. It hurts! And while it is okay to show your child that you are hurt, disappointed and less likely to trust them as implicitly as you would like to be able to, it is not okay to allow them to feel that there is no forgiveness, no hope for relationship or you will never think of them the same again. God never does that to us no matter what we do.

Naturally there will be consequences. It depends greatly on the pattern of lying and what the lie was about. In our home, if a child lied, it was an automatic chastisable offense. If the child would have had consequences of any kind for the action they are lying about (not doing homework, disobeying, etc.) they received those consequences along with the additional consequence for lying. It is important to separate the offenses. A child must see that he would have been better off to just tell the truth no matter what.

In addition, a time of looking over his shoulder to make sure of compliance and honesty is appropriate. If a child is lying about things outside your home, restrict his activities outside the home. The logic is simple, “If I can’t trust you outside the home, you will have to stay here.”

We had a child look up and write out different verses that reveal how God views lying. It was very eye-opening. It is important that children understand what is at the core of lying.

Lying is no small thing. Few behaviors we confront as parents strike so close to our hearts and threaten our children’s lives and spirits the way lying does. It is important to not underestimate the implications of having a child who lies. And though some issues we face can be met head on and conquered, lying is a battle that we will need to fight on many fronts. It is best to surround the enemy of lying with all your forces and attack wholeheartedly. Remember always that it is lying that is your enemy, NOT the child who is lying. So gather your forces. You’ll need a frontal attack of determination and refusal to accept lying. You’ll flank the sides with training in honesty, virtue, integrity and obedience. You’ll attack from the rear with swift consequences that won’t permit any escaping enemies. And with every move, you’ll make unconditional love your battle cry, reassuring your child that no matter what they do or how much you are hurt, you will always love them. Together, you and your child can route the enemy and have the relationship you want.

Permission granted by Tim and Ami Loper of Miracle Books.  The original version of this article can be found in the Summer 2005 edition of “Oh Yeah”.

I think one of the hardest things for humans to do is to be happy where they are in life. “The grass is always greener on the other side.” This isn’t always necessarily a bad trait. It motivates us to improve our lives and surroundings. It helps us to improve ourselves. But it can also help us to be unhappy with our current situation and always look hopefully to the future without enjoying the present. It is this weakness I wish to address today.

I talk about this often, perhaps because it is something that I have trouble with and find myself continually working on it. I encourage everyone (including myself) to learn to enjoy each stage of life for what it is. I often hear young mothers long for the future when they will have time to do all the things they want to do, and older mothers long for those fun times with their young children. It is good to have goals and good to have fond memories, but we mustn’t let these two things rob us of the life we are currently living.

Let’s take stages of our children’s lives. I have often shared that my least favorite stage is the newborn stage. I much prefer the toddler stage, and I love having conversations with my son. I have good friends whose favorite stage is the newborn stage. Everyone has their preferred stages. When we recognize that each stage has its benefits and its drawbacks, we can learn to be happy where we are. There isn’t a stage where everything is perfect. You have long nights of newborn life, tantrums of toddlerhood, talking back of pre-teens, and power struggles with teenagers. We minimize these difficulties through applied principles of the –wise series, but we still encounter difficulties along the way. We also have the good qualities of stages. Newborns don’t talk back and are content to cuddle with you, toddlers are constantly learning and are fascinated with every detail of life around them, pre-teens amaze us with their intelligence, and in teen years we can start to really enjoy the fruits of our labors as our children-turning-adults make wise decisions. Whatever stage(s) your child(ren) is at, I encourage you to focus on the things you love about it—enjoy each good thing that you will never see again from that child.

There is also a major lifestyle difference among all the stages of life. As a mother with two young children, I have certain times of day that we I “stuck” home, except in those extenuating circumstances when we take advantage of flexibility in our schedule. For naptime, we are home each day. This limits the number of hours we can spend running errands or playing at the park. Also, no matter how well behaved your children are, it is hard to run errands with them.

Right now, I am also pregnant with my third child. Pregnancy is hard on me; I am one of those women who is really, really sick 24 hours a day for 9 months. One day a few weeks ago, a sweet friend of mine dropped by unexpectedly with dinner for my family. This friend of mine has no children. She and her husband have been trying to have children for 4-5 years. They have tried in-vitro several times without success, and are now waiting with many other parents to be chosen as adoptive parents.

I looked at her that day as she stood in my kitchen, hair all perfect, body unaffected by children, able to come and go as she pleases, and for a fleeting moment, I envied her and longed for the day to come when I could be back to that position in life. It quickly passed me, though, and I realized she, too, must envy me. I have children. I might have a hard time being pregnant, but she will likely never know what it feels like to be pregnant. She lives each day wondering if it will be the day she gets a phone call telling her they have been chosen to adopt a baby. She might have freedom right now, but she doesn’t want it. She longs to be in the position I am: sick, pregnant, and stuck and home each afternoon as the children take a nap. I knew my desires were selfish and that I needed to realign myself and be grateful for the many blessings I have.

I have also watched women whose children are grown and getting married fall into a state of depression as they “lost” their children. They went through the marriage of their children unhappy, mourning the loss of a child rather than celebrating the addition of one. What a tragedy and loss of a moment that will never happen again.

You will be much happier in life as you come to be able to enjoy each stage of your life for what it is. Some stages will be harder for you than others. There will be stages where you wish you could freeze everyone and live that moment forever. Find the good of where you are. Relish every moment. Time does not wait while you feel sorry for yourself; take advantage of each moment you have in life, and you can be truly happy.

My blog: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/