Up until about nine months ago, I, in my naivety, truly believed that people as a whole desired to be kind to other people and treat them well. Where I live, that is just the way people are. Sure, there are people who are unkind and motivated by selfishness, but the majority of people try to be kind to others and treat others with respect.

About 9 months ago, I was on a parents social networking site–my first time ever. In one group, one woman was basically getting roasted. She was being called all sorts of mean names and being ridiculed. Thinking these women who were being rude had simply lost themselves in the comfort of hiding behind their computer, I stuck up for the lone woman and suggested we all be nice and if we couldn’t say something in a nice way, don’t say it. I pointed out that you can disagree without being rude or belittling.

I was shocked at the responses. “That is just the way I am. If she can’t handle it, she should leave.” “I am just a blunt person.” ”I have to be nice to my kids all day; I don’t want to have to be nice here too.” Those are just a few. Wow. I was shocked. I pointed out that I consider myself to be a blunt person, but you can be blunt and tactful. Nope. They weren’t having it. This was an eye opening experience for me.

I will point out that I received many personal notes applauding me and agreeing with me. A few brave souls dared to agree publicly. As I have gotten to know these women better, I see that this situation really epitomizes who they are. There are some who are always nice. There are some who just don’t care how they treat others. If they say something rude, that is the problem of other people. They have the “right” and the “freedom” to act as they choose, and it shows in their parenting and parenting advice. That isn’t acceptable to me.

On Becoming Childwise operates under the premise that the readers of the book are the sort of parents who want to instill morality and good character traits into their children. When I first read that over a year ago, I thought, “Of course, all parents would want that of their children.” Sadly, that is not the case. I learned that nine months ago.

Childwise points out that without mutual morality, your child might become a bully or a victim. I can easily see this. You can’t expect that other parents are going to be teaching their children right from wrong. You have to teach your child to have character, and you have to teach him to have it in the face of adversity. Often times to stand up for what you believe in means you are standing alone. Very few will have the courage to stand beside you, even when they agree.

Good character is attainable, but you must teach it. I believe children have an innate desire to do good, but they need direction from you to teach them what good is. Whether you intend to or not, you are the greatest influence on your child, both by what you do and what you don’t do. You have the choice and the option to raise good children. And we, who care, must stand strong and valiantly. Perhaps our children can have a positive influence over those children raised by parents who don’t think it is necessary to be moral. Each generation finds it more difficult to stand strong and adhere to the morals taught them. It was harder for us than our parents. It will be harder for our children than was for us. The difficulty seems to be growing exponentially. This only strengthens the urgency that we take an active role to teach morals to our children.

Children have four general capacities. They are found on page 66 of Childwise. They are:

• Children have physical capacities. You must provide food, shelter, clothing and encourage necessary skills for life. We also should teach them how to care for their bodies. Teach them which foods are good for the body. Teach the importance of exercise. Remember, you must lead by example.
  
• Children have intellectual capacities. You must stimulate. You must teach your child. You must teach logic and useful knowledge along with basic skills. It is really easy to go throughout the day and do what I call “surviving.” Get from sunrise to sundown with the fewest number of difficulties and conflicts. This is especially easy to do with a child who has been raised on principles of Babywise. They are good kids who generally stay out of trouble. Mom could busy herself with housework or hobbies while the kids entertain themselves. It isn’t enough to simply survive a day. We must be actively engaged in teaching our children. On Becoming Preschoolwise offers many ideas for doing this. Simple structure and routine can help you ensure your child receives the needed intellectual stimulation.
  
• Children have emotional capacities. Nurture your child’s emotional well-being. You must help your children to monitor and control emotions. We all get mad. But we work to not get mad. We try to control our tempers. We take control of our emotions. My in-laws were very good at instilling morality into their children. Brayden (my son who is 3) has a short fuse. He can go from frustrated to mad almost immediately. If he is trying to do something and doesn’t get it perfectly the first time (he is a perfectionist), he would throw the item across the room. I have worked with him on this from the age of 12 months when it first cropped up. He is much, much better about it now. I can’t even remember the last time he threw something in anger. My husband tells me he was the same way. He tells me he still works with it. The amazing thing is that I have never seen his temper. He has never even raised his voice to me. He has amazing control over his emotions. We can control our emotions, and our children can also. We also want to teach our children how to control displays of positive emotion as well.
  
• Children have moral capacities. Teach your child to internalize virtues that reflect your values and the values of society. Yes, the values of society get more fuzzy as the years pass by, but there are basic societal morals.

We must give time and attention to each of these facets. Ezzo and Buckman point out that you don’t want a smart child who cheats. I remember in high school I had a friend who was really smart. She had a perfect grade point average. We were in Chemistry together our sophomore year. She stressed over maintaining her perfect grades. In order to maintain it, she cheated. She ended up being valedictorian. Now, I am one who would have been considered smart (and I hope I still am), but I did not cheat. Yes, it was frustrating to see someone be rewarded for cheating, but I honestly felt sad for her more than anything. I went on to college where I continued to work hard and not cheat. College was not that difficult for me because I knew how to work for my knowledge. I graduated with almost a perfect grade point average, above a 3.9. I was named most outstanding graduate. My name is hanging on a plaque in my department to this day. It all paid off in the end. 

There is one of these capacities that requires more priority, or first priority. That is moral training. “Moral training provides the objectivity needed for emotions to function freely without overpowering the child” (page 68). When you train morally the right way, you can have a child who is emotionally balanced, intellectually assertive, and morally sensible. Our society needs as many of these people as we can get!

Teach your children to do unto others as they want done unto them. To do this, you must yourself behave this way. You must treat others with kindness. You must be honest. If you don’t get charged enough money for something, you go back and pay for it. Almost two years ago, my sister-in-law and I got up early and went shopping the day after Thanksgiving. We went to a store where we quickly got our items and got in line. We then spent the next 3 hours in line, waiting for our turn to check out. If you do your math correctly, you will realize I was pregnant with my second child, Kaitlyn. My back hurt. My everything hurt. When we finally got out to the car, we realized they didn’t charge us enough for one of the movies we bought. With a sigh we went back into the store and spent another hour trying to pay back the correct amount. Needless to say, I have not shopped at that store since, but I knew what was right and I did it, though I admittedly could have done it more cheerfully .

We teach our children that other people matter. Their feelings matter. Their possessions matter. Ask your child if he wants to be treated the way he just treated someone. Think back to when you have served others. Do you feel better about yourself? I know a woman who served others in her lonliest hour. When her mother died, she made bread. She made a lot of bread and delivered it to her neighbors. She felt so much better. She had served others.

Take advantage of your child’s young years. I believe the first 8 years of your child’s life provide you with an opportunity to train that you will never again have. Teach and train your children while you are still “cool”—while you are still the center of their universe and have an influence over their every action. You child is like a young sapling in the preschool years. You can direct his growth. Don’t wait until he is a strong tree—you can’t move him then. It takes work, it takes effort, but you can do it and it is certainly worth it.

My Blog: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/

I work as a dental hygienist two days a week which means my two and half year old daughter, Isabelle, is at my mother-in-law’s one day a week and spends one special day with her Daddy. I was asked to share my thoughts on retraining after a caregiver has been with my child. In my case this is one full day a week and the occasional trip my husband and I take. In addition my sister-in-law babysits most weeks for our date night and small group meeting from church.

Caregivers vary alot in their approach to discipline. Many are open to parents suggestions and are willing to continue your training efforts to the benefit of their own positive success. My first recommendation is to find such a caregiver whenever possible. Keep communication lines open with regular reminders of what skills you are currently working on and how. Remember to keep it short!

Family members can be excellent caregivers because they will love your child more, however this sometimes translates to spoiling. We have learned to value the relationships that our family has with Isabelle and have determined any retraining that is necessary to be worth the time our daughter spends with family, especially those who love the Lord and are living a life of example.

Our “how to” on retraining is two fold. First we are careful to communicate to our family about our training and let them know how they can support us. We know their resolve may not be the same as ours and that’s ok. Second, we are diligent in our training both the day before and after her time away from us, to reinforce our expectations and direction.

Lastly, we cover our daughter in prayer for her self-control development, so she may grow up to become a light for Jesus.

Last thoughts- my Mom ran an in home day care while I lived at home as a teenager and there are many little things I learned. Such as the little girl who walked for the first time, but the strict instructions I received to not tell her Mom that she walked in our home first. And the little boy who spoke in our home because my mother required him to, but wouldn’t say a thing to his own Mom as she allowed his pacifier to stay. And the child who had clearly recovered completely from his “boo-boo” and was playing quietly, but broke into full tears over it when his Mom appeared on the scene.

As I reflected on these times with my Mom we came to a conclusion that I also see in my own life. Children are brilliant and they know the expectations that are present in every care giving environment.

I will note that it seems to me that sometimes we take two steps forward in training and then the day I work its one step back. However, the reason maybe that days when I work MY parental resolve isn’t as strong as it should be. I’ve found its hard to find the energy to correct a child you haven’t seen all day and just want to love on.

Even if you don’t work outside the home there will be times we all need to spend away from our children. Be encouraged that the expectations and training you have done will not disappear, however you may just have to work a little harder to reestablish them upon your return. I believe children become stronger for the challenge.

Question:

“Our 7 month old has been doing so well with his routine and as On Becoming Babywise II says, he is ready to drop to 2 naps a day. Which is great, but now he has more wake time and what can I do to fill up all that time! It seems we are getting into a pattern of using the same 4 or 5 activities, day after day or I’m beginning to become his chief form of entertainment and not sure this is the direction we should be heading. Do you have some ideas for this age?”

Answer:

When planning wake time activities, and especially when you are working on stretching wake time, it’s helpful to think of the activities in two categories: Self entertainment activities and interactive activities.

Try to plan “baby alone” types of activities for the first half of wake time when baby has just been fed and is well rested. Playpen time is the most obvious, but this is also the best time for trips in the car and walks in the stroller since baby is not as likely to fall asleep which then alters his routine. Then for the second half of wake time, plan more interactive things, like playing with him on the floor or even “reading” a book in your lap. This is also a great time for a bath, and even if you have had playpen time earlier in the day, you can always have it again!

If dinner prep happens to fall in the time that your baby needs more interactive play, try setting him in an infant seat and bringing him into the kitchen with you. When mine were this age, I would do a “cooking show” play by play of what I was doing while I cooked.

Attached below is a list prepared by a mom. It has some great ideas that will actually take you up to age Five!

Activities for Babies

(0-12 Months)

Alone

Pop Up Toys
Mobiles
Swing
Johnny Jump Up
Baby Mirror
Soft Blocks
Toys That Can Be Chewed
Books (Cloth)
Crib Gyms
Infant Seat (To See Things from Different Perspectives)
Bouncy Chair
Rattles or other toys that make sounds

Mom And Baby

Feeding
Rocking
Play Time On Blanket (Mom Helps Baby Develop Skills)
Singing/Eye Contact/Rhymes
Read
Bath Time
Walking

Activities for Toddlers

(18 Months – 2 Years)

Alone

Playtime in Crib/Playpen
Play Center (Theme)
Blanket Time
Magnetic Numbers/
Letters on Refrigerator
Dress Up
Shape Sorting Toys
Limited Free Time
Sit Time with Books
High Chair Toys
Paint with Water
Large piece Puzzles
Nesting/Stacking Toys
Listening Tapes

With Mom

Cooking Time (Real Or Play)
Stamping/Stickers
Rice/Corn Meal Play
Throwing Bean Bags in Container
Reading
Prayer Time [at meals and bedtime]

Outdoor Play all supervised

Walk
Baby Pool
Paint with Water On Patio
Sand Box
Bubbles
Outdoor Toys

Activities For Preschoolers

(2 Years – 5 Years)

Alone

Color
Playdoh
Toys at Table
Stamping
Finger Paint or Paint on paper with water
Peg Boards
Sit Time/Blanket Time
Listening Tapes
Magnet Numbers/Letters On Refrigerator
Water Play at Sink
Books
Computer [limited]
Lego’s
Sticker Books
Puzzles
Chalkboard
Picture Time
Stencils
Room Time
Video time [limited 30 min. per day]
Dress Up
Learning to use a pencil – print letters
Stringing Beads
Lace Cards
Corn Meal/Rice Play
People/Animal Figures
Lincoln Logs
Mini Trampoline

With Mom

Cut With Safety Scissors
Cooking
Reading
Prayer Time
Finger-paint
Games
Crafts
Character Quality Explanation/Stories

Chores (Training)

Watering Plants
Picking up toys on Patio
Sweeping
Putting Silverware Away From Dishwasher
Cleaning Fronts of Appliances
Window Washing
Set Table
Folding Laundry
Dusting
Cleaning Mirrors

Outdoors [*with direct supervision for sure]

Swim *
Chalk
Sand Box
Walking
Shaving Cream on Picnic Table
Gardening *
Water Hose *
Bubbles
Riding/Outdoor Toys
Paint with Water

For a more extensive list, see What Every Child Should Know Along the Way By Gail Martin. It is on sale now at GFI.org.

You’ve picked up Preschoolwise for your 3-year-old’s tantrums, Childwise for the back-talk from your 9-year-old, and Preteenwise for your 12-year-old’s moodiness. Have you noticed that there seems to be a common thread with many of these issues? While the books may help by providing some age specific solutions, the list below may prove helpful in working on the ‘root’ of the problem. Ask yourself, ‘is there a…..

1. Lack of oneness in the marriage relationship: disharmony; lack of communication with one another; lack of respect; not being in agreement with each other on instructions to child, training of the child, or discipline of the child; allowing the child to play one parent against the other; no ‘couch time’ or other vehicle demonstrating the priority of your relationship in the home; etc.

2. Lack of structure and routine: nothing is predictable–meal times, bed times, structured learning times, play times, time for chores or other age-related responsibilities, etc.

3. Too many verbal and physical freedoms and too many choices: arguing, complaining, whining, talking back would be examples of verbal freedoms; physical freedoms would involve doing things without asking, child telling you what she will or will not do, kicking, hitting, etc. Too many choices for the child’s age for example, a preschooler having to have a choice on what or when she will eat, what she will wear, where she will sit (the “wise in your own eyes” scenario from the videos).

4. Lack of consistency: As Dad & Mom do we ’say what they mean and mean what they say’ to our children? Do we carry through when we promise her something, thus building trust? Is there a good measure of encouragement when she does do something right? Encouragement is a HUGE part of security as well as motivation for a child. Is there faithfulness in teaching and training as well as discipline and correction?

5. Lack of prayer and trusting God: Do we pray together as a family; pray with the child about the behavior issues; cry out to God for His help when we don’t know what to do, rather than becoming angry and taking matters into our own hands; Ps 50:15 says,” Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor Me.” James 1:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” John 15:5 ends by declaring “without Me, you can do nothing.” God wants us to be fully dependent on Him for the training of our children. Another thing that enters into this root cause is the lack of seeking forgiveness and restoration in the relationship after correction.

6. Selfishness: This enters into all of the other root causes, but is demonstrated in our wanting OUR way, or OUR time, etc. Faithfulness in parenting involves giving of ourselves (sacrifice) even in times when we
don’t feel like it. Phil 2:3-4 says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” There are times when the child’s best interest must be put ahead of our own desires or comfort and that is not ‘child-centered’, rather it is considering the need for training our child’s heart over what we wanted to do at the moment.

These are some things to consider and pray about as you seek Him for resolution to the relationship with, and training of your children. While these causes are not exhaustive–I am sure you can add to them–they are examples.

Edited from notes by Dianne Doty, wife, mom and grandmother.

Question:

My husband and I are about to take on the task of potty training with our 2 ½ year old son, but we’re both a bit concerned that bedwetting may be a problem since both of us had issues with bedwetting as children. My Toddlerwise book has a chapter on this subject, but is there more you can give us before we get started?
Answer:

Yes! There is more and frankly I think it should be an essential part of every young parent’s library. This little book is an amazing gem. It’s called Potty Training 1-2-3, by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo. Even if your children are beyond the potty training stage, you’ll want to have this one handy to lone to friends.

But back to your question about bedwetting. I’ll just pull this first part right out of Potty Training 1-2-3, and then include some additional comments below:

Bedwetting, or enuresis, refers to children wetting their beds at an age when most children are dry at night. It’s important to remember the last part of that sentence. Children grow at different rates, which mean they achieve nighttime dryness at different ages. Night dryness doesn’t always follow closely on the heels of day dryness. Even if that’s the case for months, it doesn’t mean your child is struggling with the medical condition of bedwetting. Some experts suggest that as many as 50 percent of children under three years of age will battle night time bedwetting to some extent.
In the medical world, bedwetting in not considered a problem until a child is about 4 or 5 years old. However, if your toddler is having reoccurring nightly accidents and you are concerned about it, consult your pediatrician. Your doctor can discover or rule out any health problems that might be part of the cause. Meanwhile, here are some practical things you can do to try to remedy this problem:
Encourage your child to wait as long as possible when it’s time to urinate. This technique can help stretch the bladder so it can hold more urine.
As your child is urinating, have her stop and start a few times. This helps strengthen the sphincter muscles that hold in the urine.
Encourage your child to take responsibility for her wet bedding, but never shame her because of it.
Consider rewarding your child for waking up dry, but do not punish her for nighttime accidents.
Consider buying a bedwetting alarm that will awaken your child as soon as she begins to wet. You can find manufacturers and descriptions of various models on the internet.
As you move through this process, encourage and support your child while holding her accountable.

One of my four fit this description to a tee. We were doing all the “at home” suggestions above, and each year that went by, we (and he) were hopeful he’d “outgrow” it, but he was still wetting nearly every night by his 9th birthday. Money was a bit tight and I assumed the alarms were beyond our budget….until I actually looked for one! We bought the SleepDry alarm from Starchild Labs. I purchased it through a healthcare supply store on-line for about $60.00. There are others out there for similar prices, and many that are much higher, but this one worked perfectly. In his case, he was staying dry every night, within 2 weeks! No matter which brand you purchase, be sure to follow the instructions exactly. Success depends as much on parental involvement and pre-activity training, as it does on the alarm itself.