Frustrated parents often tell us they stopped correcting their children because they thought they were exasperating them, something we all came to understand in Growing Kids God’s Way was to be avoided. Upon further discussion, the parents would go on to say that they could tell their children were getting frustrated with the parents and so they stopped.

Guess what? There is a difference between being exasperated and being frustrated. So let’s define the terms. To exasperate someone is to ask them to do something they cannot do. To frustrate someone is to ask them to do something they do not want to do. The difference here is huge. Well-meaning parents, such as the ones mentioned above are indeed frustrating their children. They aren’t asking them to do something they cannot do. They are asking them to do something they do not want to do.

Your toddler will show frustration over many things.  He will be frustrated when you ask him to do something he doesn’t want to do, when he doesn’t get his way, if he doesn’t like what you have given him and so forth.  This is normal and to be expected.  You exasperate your child when you ask him to do something he is not capable of doing.  Parents often over-talk their toddlers, explaining things to them they are not going to understand.  A toddler, for example doesn’t care if it is cold outside.  All the explanations in the world aren’t going to convince him of this.  If you want him to wear a coat and he is refusing to put it on, just put it on him. If, on the other hand, you try to teach your toddler to tie his shoes, you will exasperate him.  He doesn’t have sufficient coordination or mental problem solving ability to accomplish this.  Sometimes we try to advance our children too fast.

Frustration Tantrums

It is possible for toddlers to demonstrate frustration tantrums.  An example of this would be when he is trying to get a toy to work a certain way and it just won’t cooperate with him.  In this case parents can substitute another toy, or if the child refuses to play with another toy remove the child and have him sit for a few minutes until he regains self-control.  If your toddler demonstrates a frustration tantrum when you ask him to do something he doesn’t want to do, such as come inside for lunch, then you will want to have him sit for a few minutes until he gains self-control.

Older Children

How does this work with children over 4 years of age? I can be a perfectionist when it comes to the way I clean my house. My mother told me once I was unfairly correcting my children for not cleaning the house to my standard. She taught me that my son, then 5 years old, could not get the sheets and blankets on his bed straight enough for me where the bed was positioned. She suggested I do that part, and then have him pull the comforter up and finish. As he matured in age, he learned to do it all.  I was exasperating him by requiring him to do a job that was difficult for his young body to do, a job I could easily do. How foolish that seems to me now to expect that of him.

We can also exasperate our children when we ask them to do something they may be skilled for, but other things may make it impossible for them to do at a particular time they are asked. What do I mean by this? At 8 years of age Sarah can certainly get her room picked up when asked. One day, the results of Sarah’s efforts were less than satisfactory. Mom was mad. She got on Sarah and made her clean her room again, but with no better results. This went on for most of the afternoon, with both Mom and Sarah losing control. What went wrong? Mom did not take into account that the night before they had been to Grandma’s house to celebrate Grandpa’s birthday and had gotten home quite late, several hours past Sarah’s bedtime.  Sarah had also been fighting a cold all week, and was tired and run-down from that.  Sarah did not have the energy to clean her room correctly. Was Sarah being rebellious? No. Sarah was tied, understandably so. As parents, we need to think things through and rule these kinds of things out before getting on our children.

So, next time you think you are exasperating your child, ask yourself – “Is this something they can in this moment do and do well?”  If your answer is “Yes”, then your child is telling you she does not want to do it, and you deal with that in an entirely different way.

By Carla Link
MomsNotes.com

Question: 

“I have a 3 year old son and we’re expecting a new baby in a few months.  My friends have warned me to expect a lot of problems from my 3 year old when the baby arrives.  I’ve just ordered a copy of On Becoming PreschoolWise.  Will this book give me some ideas to help get through this time more easily?”

Answer: 

“Your Pre-schooler’s reaction to a new baby in the family will depend a great deal on how he sees his position in your family now.  There is a great chapter in On Becoming Preschoolwise, called “The Choice Addiction.”  In an effort to keep our children happy and avoid “unnecessary” conflict, we often offer WAY too many choices for the “little” things throughout the day, and then wonder why our 3 year old won’t stay in bed come nap time and bed time! Review that chapter and be honest with yourself about the choices you’ve been allowing for one so young.

Closely related to the “Choice Addiction” is demand attention.  You and your 3 year old have just finished lunch and while he is finishing his dessert, you start clearing plates and loading the dishwasher.  He then politely asks, “Mommy, may I have some more milk, please?”  You beam with pride as you immediately stop in the middle of loading the dishes, dry your hands and poor some more milk in his cup.  You’re folding a load of laundry, and your 4 year old asks if you can sit and read a story from her Bible story book.  Your heart swells as you set aside the laundry and pull her onto you lap for a story.  On the surface, these are both lovely opportunities to stop your activity to either encourage the courtesy and provide the drink or stop and spend time with your toddler, not thinking that a potential problem could develop.  Looking at both situations from the child’s perspective, that being, Mommy stops and provides me immediate attention throughout most of the day. So what is going to happen when you are in the middle of bathing or feeding the baby and you need to tell your child to wait until you are done?  Again, from the child’s perspective; “I’ve NEVER had to “wait,” until this new person entered our family!”  Review the first chapter of On Becoming BabyWise, “Your Baby Needs a Family.” Begin now in teaching patience and how to wait for non-emergency attention.  Tell him, “I’ll be happy to poor some more milk for you as soon as I finish loading the dishwasher.  Thank you for asking so politely!”  Tell her, “Oh, I’d love to read you a story.  How about you come over here and have a seat next to me while I finish matching these socks and we can talk about which one to read when I’m finished.”

Once the new baby arrives, try including older siblings with the care of the baby, when appropriate. Preschoolers can help carry the diaper bag out to the car or get Mommy a clean burp cloth.  Consider structuring room time or reading time for your older child/children during baby’s feeding. There are times when I have had the older siblings sit on the couch for some story time while I’m feeding baby. Planned one-on-one time with your preschooler is important too.  “Mommy is going to change baby’s diaper, put him down for a nap and then the two of us will __________together!”

Carve out one on one time with your husband [Couch time], while your son is up and can see you. It’s so special for little ones to see that NOTHING, not even a new baby being added to the family (smile) is going to shake Mom and Dad’s love and loyalty to each other.

One more point to consider.  I know that when a new baby enters the family, it is really easy to rely on TV and DVD’s a bit too much to help keep the older kids content while caring for baby. I found myself falling into this very thing following the birth of my fourth child. Sure enough, within a couple of months, my 2-year-old starting having problems with waking during the night as well as with settling down when it was time to go to bed. We decided to keep the TV and VCR completely off during the week, and only allow a DVD or two on the weekends. I was amazed to see how quickly my 2-year-old’s night time waking completely stopped!”

Do you remember as a child sitting at your kitchen table or lying on the floor with your coloring book open and the scent of new crayons standing at attention in their nifty double or tripled tiered box? Do you remember how you roamed through the book to find the best picture to color? Every child did that. Coloring times as kids produced good memories and was a great way to pass the time on a rainy day or slow morning.

Today, coloring time is still a great source of enjoyment. Yet, we all know that coloring books are not created equal. So many stores and internet options offer childhood market commodities that serve to promote movies, videos or television characters that fall short of human likeness, let alone Godly virtue. Coloring is still fun but it often lacks educational purpose and direction.

Now coloring can be fun while promoting values and virtues that mean something to you. The Growing Kids God’s Way coloring book offers a great learning experience while introducing biblical themes taken directly from Growing Kids God’s Way class sessions. This is a practical way to bring your class lessons home to the kids.

We wish to offer many thanks to cartoonist Ron Wheeler for making this project a reality. We would be remiss not to thank our associate Joey Link for pushing the project off the back burner, where it has been sitting for years. Joey’s insights and valuable assistance in putting together our Growing Kids themes for each page is greatly appreciated. We also provide some sample pages on this site to download. You can order a copy of the Growing Kids God’s Way coloring book from the GFI Store under the Other Resources section.

When was the last time you picked up a crayon and began to create a world of color? Why not join your little one in some fun play that reinforces what Mom and Dad are learning week by week. Enjoy coloring again, this time with your children.

Gary and Anne Marie

Question:

“I have been reading through On Becoming Preschool Wise and have a question about teaching my son to fold his hands to help him gain self-control. We’ve been working on this for several days and he just doesn’t seem to be getting it. Do you have any ideas?”

Answer:

“As explained in Toddler Wise and Preschool Wise “It is important to teach this technique to your child when things are calm.” With each of my four, I found that games were a great way to introduce new skills like this. This particular skill is challenging because “Be still” is such an abstract concept. Just how still is still? My guess is your preschooler has a totally different idea of what “still” means!

So try this. Set two chairs in front of a large mirror and have your preschooler sit in one with you in the other. Then tell her you are going to play the “self control” game. This works so well, because when you demonstrate what “fold your hands and get some self control” looks like, your child can look at herself in the mirror and compare herself to what you look like in the mirror. You can make this a game, by having a “silly break” and seeing how wiggly you both can get, and then as soon as you say “Let’s get some self control” the two of you see who can get still the fastest and hold it for at least a minute.

When first introducing this skill, try playing games like this a couple of times a day for the first several days, and then work in a refresher every few days or so, until you see that she understands and can use the skill in other situations.

Finally, don’t forget another important concept from Preschool Wise, “Parents should always try to help a child gain self-control before he crosses the bridge of trouble, not afterward.” There will come a day when you can use this technique to help an out-of-control child gain self-control, but that is a skill that comes with lots of practice and maturity. Until then, use this as often as you can. Before you get to the check out stand, tell your children to fold their hands and get self-control. Before you walk into Great-aunt Mary’s house, talk to your kids about keeping their hands folded around her heirlooms. Before you approach the dessert table at the church pot-luck, tell your children to fold their hands and ask permission before selecting a dessert.”

Question:

“My husband and I don’t practice “couch time” per se, but we DO try to make a point of “catching up on each other’s day,” while we get dinner ready. Isn’t that good enough?”

Answer:

“There is such a good reason why “couch time” is encouraged throughout the On Becoming books, from Babywise to Teenwise. There is just no substitute for mom and dad taking a few minutes each day to stop everything and totally focus on each other. Think of it like this. There are plenty of times during the day when you and your children will “work” together folding laundry, picking up after play time, working in the yard, etc. but do those times in any way compare to those special moments when you take your preschooler on to your lap to read her a book, or when you give your 7 year old your undivided attention while he tells you what happened at school that day? I can promise you that your child knows the difference! ? In the same way, your children will be able to see the difference between you and your husband “laboring side by side to maintain their world,” and the respect and loyalty communicated through “couch time.”"