Scott wrote: I guess I fit the description you are looking for, having three teenage sons, 19, 17 and 15. My 15 year old is just starting into puberty, with temptations still largely revolving around mischief and pranks. He is just now getting to the point where girls are no longer repulsive.

The older two are doing very well in handling the temptations that come with ‘becoming young men’. My 17 year old likes girls, but has no interest in “dating” or having a “girl” friend. He is friends with all the girls at church (our youth group is only about 20 teens), and has his focus on school and his hobbies. Our eldest has had two episodes where he was concentrating on a particular young lady with great interest but backing off after finding they were not quite what they where presenting themselves to be. He wrestled with the last one for several weeks feeling he had been deceived. These were tough lessons, but he did finally acknowledge that dad’s advice was pretty good and think he will be more careful to follow it in the future.

To answer the question regarding the ability to “find a way of escape”, that I attribute to their walk with the Lord. Every other thing we have done only augments what we have tried to instill into them about being holy above all else. We have a lot of theological discussion in our home about handling all aspects of life. Teaching them to respond correctly to temptations while they were young and instilling into them a sense of responsibility as done in the GKGW series well prepared them for the new temptations they would face, as they became young men. We read a lot of books out loud while the boys were growing up and those always sparked good discussion about living a godly life in practical terms.

My wife and I have followed the advice given in the Moral Innocence series from an early age, added to that concepts of courtship instead of dating (as in Josh Harris’ book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye) and similar materials. (We have taught them to be a FIG (Friend In God) instead of a date). These all emphasize teaching the boys to treat girls with great respect from an early age and to become their protectors. They have taken to heart the Biblical roles they are preparing for as godly young men. In addition, we have given them some “rights of passage” along the way to mark their progress. The Making of a Modern Day Knight has been helpful in this. At age 16 we ask 8-10 godly men from the church to share with our sons what we believe their responsibilities are to God, family, women, society, peers, driving and facing fear, all of which are part of being a man.  We then commit ourselves to holding them accountable to learn and meet these responsibilities.

In our family we talk about nearly everything around the dinner table and topics of male/female relationships have been common, especially as they have seen their friends get hurt / stumble. When our family doctor told us our boys were entering puberty, I took each of the boys out and talked to them privately explaining the physical changes they would be experiencing as well as how to cope with the changes and also, my expectations of them. Thankfully, I have a very strong and open relationship with all three of my sons, but that has taken work on both sides. I have learned to change my schedule to take advantage of those times when each son wanted to talk and needed to talk, as well as being pro-active in pursuing them when they seemed to be getting a bit distant.

From the protective side, we have been careful about what they have been exposed to through the various media and in relationships. We chose to home school all three boys, providing exposure to the world in bits and pieces as they were ready for it through sports, Boy Scouts, employment and in college (Our eldest started at the local Community College at age 16, but was only allowed to take certain classes until we believed he was ready to handle the perversions of history and morality presented in the social science classes). Their worldview had a solid foundation laid before allowing it to face the full brunt of the storms of secular society.

Those are some initial thoughts. Not having any daughters (nor did I have any sisters) I am without any experience in that area. Son’s (and brothers) I know well and believe I am blessed beyond measure in observing how our two oldest son’s have become upstanding young men who have already taken leadership positions in their generation to help their peers walk with God and to resist conformity to this world.

Anne Marie Ezzo says, “the following is written by our good friend Dave Johns [Gary's biking buddy in California and also part of the Middle Years video audience] as a response to a request I sent out to some parents of boys. His response was so encouraging, just had to share it.”

Bringing up a Christian boy in the 21^st century and trying to help them keep their mind pure is almost an impossible task. Temptations for the eyes are everywhere (i.e. TV, movies, internet, newspapers, shopping malls and almost anywhere one may glance at some point in the day). We have a TV guardian and internet / email filters for the computers. We have these to keep the number of temptations lower than what they might be otherwise. What we have found to be spiritually fundamental are the following:

1.)    From 2 Corinthians 10:5 (“…we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ“) we have taught our children to put traps in their minds even as children. When a bad thought enters their mind, they are to snap the trap on the bad thought and destroy it. We know that bad thoughts will enter our minds. That is not sin – it is part of life. What we do with those thoughts determine our spiritual nature. If we get rid of the thought and put it out of our thinking, we honor God by doing so and He will be pleased with us. If we dwell on the sinful thought, then that alone is a sin. Any action that results from pursuing the thought just makes it worse.

2.)    From Titus 2:7 (“Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works…“) both my wife and I have tried to be examples in the home in all areas of our Christian life. We do not watch movies, TV shows and even commercials where there is content that could be tempting to a young man. Sometimes we may turn the channel to miss a section that isn’t appropriate and then try and go back later to see if we can watch more of the program. We make sure that no one walks around the house in attire that is too revealing. We even keep our cash in a place that the children don’t know about so that temptation isn’t too appealing.

3.)    From Psalm 110:11 (“Your word I have treasured in my heart, That I may not sin against You.“) we have had our children memorize many verses mostly through the AWANA program and some on our own to teach a principle (ex. “…Be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to become angry” James 1:19) . Our son has told us several times that repeating scripture in his mind has helped him to put away sinful thoughts.

4.)    From Matthew 6:13 (“…And do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from evil.“) my wife and I have prayed almost everyday for our children. We pray specifically that God would deliver our children (and ourselves) from temptation and from the evil that is so prevalent in this world.

For four years I worked with high school kids at church. I was curious as to why so many (over 50%) stopped going to church after they left high school. What was it about the ones that stayed that was different from the ones that left their church and most of them their faith? The answer I came up with was this. The ones that stayed in Christ were the ones that wanted to be used by God for His glory. They took a personal interest in what was said and done. They were not necessarily the ones that were active in the youth group. The active ones were the popular ones. The boy that walked up to the new person and introduced themselves instead of spending all their time his friends is an example. The ones who wanted to volunteer to ask people at a hospital to see if they wanted to go to a church service is another example. Everyone wanted to go to the social events.

I discipled four boys for one year, two are still walking with God, the other two are not. Looking back, I think the difference between the two was not that they didn’t do the work I assigned them (half the time none of them did the work), it was the fact that the two boys who took the work to heart are the ones that are still walking with God.

My own son has struggled with the same temptations I struggled with and that most every guy has to deal with growing up. For those of us who were not Christians as teenagers, we were told by our psychology teacher that our thoughts and actions were not sin and gave us material to read to help us justify ourselves. I don’t think the advice we got was helpful. I have tried to teach my son that pleasing God is the most important thing we can do in this life. It will determine how we spend eternity. Knowing what God wants from us is only part of the answer. Living that life takes a desire that can only be given to us by God. It is why we pray to God that He will save our children. I have told my son to enjoy life and take advantage of many activities that it has to offer (ex. Sports, music performance, etc). I have told him many times to keep in mind that “…God will bring every act to judgment, everything which is hidden, whether it is good or evil.” (last verse of Ecclesiastes).

I have heard and seen that boys who are active in sports and don’t have a lot of free time on their hands to dwell on things that they shouldn’t. I think being involved in any activity such as music performance where a great deal of practice is required is also helpful.

Me: “I have to run an errand. Wanna come?”
Child #1: “Where ya going?”
Me: “I’m not telling, do you want to go or not?”
Child #1: “Is it going to be fun?”
Me: “Define fun.”
Child #1: “Ya know, like are we going to do something fun or can I buy something?”
Me: “Nevermind.”

A little dejected but not surprised, I then approached another child.

Me: “I have to run an errand. Wanna come?”
Child #2: “Sure Daddy! I’ll get my shoes!”

Child #2 gets in the car and off we go. We had a wonderful time. As we ran our errands, we talked. We listened. I shared bits of wisdom. We goofed around. We laughed. We enjoyed each other’s company. Our hearts were knitted together. There was bonding and fellowship and fun just by being together.

The errands took a bit longer than I anticipated and while we were out we both got really thirsty. I knew that a Cherry Lime Aide from Sonic could fix that and I knew that a Cherry Lime Aide would be a big deal for this particular child. With errands complete, we came home both drinking our massive Cherry Lime Aides and I knew what was about to happen.

As hydrated Child #2 walked past left behind Child #1, Child #1 became indignant. “You didn’t tell me you were getting a Lime Aide! That’s not fair!” As this child threw a mini-tamtrum, it hit me. This is exactly how we treat God.

Instead of desiring the Giver, we just want His gifts.
Instead of spending time with the Blesser, we simply want His blessings.
We don’t want a relationship with Him, we just want the benefits.

God is not like a vending machine. You don’t spend time with Him to get what you want out. You invest in God and THAT ALONE is the gift, the blessing and the benefit. Anything you receive beyond that, is simply additional grace.

Does God give out spiritual Cherry Lime Aides? Absolutely. But He often gives it to His children who aren’t using Him for one. He desires relationship and fellowship. He has errands to run and He wants some company. You wanna come?

Ephesians 1:3 – “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ…”

Mark 10:15-16 – “Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all. And He took them in His arms and began blessing them, laying His hands on them.”

******* IMPORTANT NOTE ABOUT THE NOTE ********
It is necessary to point out that I am merely sharing a snapshot from a moment in time. Every one of us have been captured in a negative light in various snapshots throughout our life. Though most children (regardless of age) desire the gift over the giver, I am pleased/relieved to say that this is not something either child is characterized by.

Nancy’s getting her hair done; she has our two year old.

Natalie (16) & Mark (13) are at play practice.

Andrew (18) has John (10) & Olivia (5) out buying a Christmas tree.

And Sarah, our oldest has moved away. Her successful photography business and the Lord’s leading have led her to move out of the house this year. Sarah (21), the first born, the guinea pig, and the one we learned on; she probably got more spankings than any of them; so much so we called her “iron-bottom.” We didn’t know any better back then. But Sarah turned out OK. She gave us grace as parents. She loved us and knew we weren’t perfect but she still honored us.

It’s been a long blessed road. Sarah was homeschooled the whole way. Her pleas to go to regular school were not heard. Now, even though some of her younger siblings are getting to go to “regular” school she doesn’t regret our decisions. She knows that her parents were following God’s leading for her life.

Sarah loves the Lord. She owns our values. She’s living to serve, to love, to bless. She’s going to make someone a great wife some day. He’s going to have to be sharp because she is. Sarah is a blessing in our lives. Even though we didn’t do a perfect job Sarah is living her life happy, blessed and growing. She goes to church. She doesn’t need to see a counselor for any deep-seated issues. She calls us regularly and loves us deeply.

Sarah continues to seek my counsel and advice. I love it.

This friendship thing Gary taught about in Growing Kids God’s Way is awesome.

Keeping up is a serious challenge. Life is always changing, shifting, turning inside out and staying up late. Each season of life brings new things to learn and do. Every time we turn around there are new situations where we are challenged to apply Biblical truth and wisdom. Each phase of life brings new realms of relationships to be formed.

As the book, “Who Moved My Cheese?” highlights, changes will come, our cheese will be moved. The question is: What can we do to ensure we can find our cheese so we can keep making dinner?

New Seasons. We are in the season of driving lessons, cell phone “texting” plans, and homework questions I can’t answer. What happened to the simple days? Times where the kids go to bed before I do? Where 2 + 2 = 4 is all I had to remember? Where “passing notes” in school required the use of a pencil and a wad of paper (instead of a phone)?

Changes like these do move our cheese. We are forced to learn new lingo, new math and how many times you have to hit the #3 key to get the letter “E.”

These types of changes are non moral; they are the “easy” changes to deal with. Some of these things we can let go by, others we should put effort behind to aid us in maintaining a valid relationship with our growing kids.

New Situations. Life has accelerated. New situations with moral implications are flying at us often. Boys are calling my girls – and they want to answer! Telling your 16 year old that you don’t approve of a PG-13 movie is not quite so simple as, “you are only 7!” Discussions at school about abortion, homosexuality and pornography are a bit beyond your reach to moderate or filter before it hits their ears.

Our job as parents has changed. We are not incubating our children anymore; we can’t isolate our precious children from foul input. Whatever insulation we can put on had better already be put on. Our job has changed, we are still a part of the game, but our role has changed – or at least it should have.

As life changes around us, we have to respond. We must change also. A lot of changes occur during the preteen and teen years. The balance of leading by authority and leading out of relationship is the change to be understood and managed.

Finding and keeping that balance takes forethought, an action plan and perseverance. Take some classes, read some books. Preparation for Adolescence and Reaching the Heart of your Teen are great classes. Read various books about dating and courtship. Pray. Settle your mind (and your children’s) on how your family will handle dating issues. Do the same with other common issues – relationship priorities (Family First!), movies, music, drugs and alcohol, cell phones. Work your way through the topics, discuss with your spouse and then with your children. If you have been working on their hearts all along, there may be no major shifts in philosophy and your kids may be right in step with you. If so – awesome! But, do it anyway! These issues are important, read about it, pray about it and talk about it.

Throughout all these changes, focus on building and maintaining your relationships with each of your children. For us, this also takes a plan. We make a point of having “dates” with each of our children, even the married ones, on a frequent basis. Set up lunch dates, or just grab some ice cream or coffee and use those times to become and stay connected.

Having a strong relationship where trust exists and the communication lines are open will allow you to connect heart to heart. They will know that you care, love and desire the best for them and they will be more willing to hear and submit to the wisdom you will bring to them.

Permission granted by Tim and Ami Loper of Miracle Books.  The original version of this article can be found in the Spring 2008 edition of “Oh Yeah”.