My youngest daughter is approaching 16. My middle daughter will soon be a Junior in High School. My oldest daughter is married and about to have my second grandchild.

Keeping up is a serious challenge. Life is always changing, shifting, turning inside out and staying up late. Each season of life brings new things to learn and do. Every time we turn around there are new situations where we are challenged to apply Biblical truth and wisdom. Each phase of life brings new realms of relationships to be formed.

As the book, “Who Moved My Cheese?” highlights, changes will come, our cheese will be moved. The question is: What can we do to ensure we can find our cheese so we can keep making dinner?

New Seasons. We are in the season of driving lessons, cell phone “texting” plans, and homework questions I can’t answer. What happened to the simple days? Times where the kids go to bed before I do? Where 2 + 2 = 4 is all I had to remember? Where “passing notes” in school required the use of a pencil and a wad of paper (instead of a phone)?

Changes like these do move our cheese. We are forced to learn new lingo, new math and how many times you have to hit the #3 key to get the letter “E.”

These types of changes are non moral; they are the “easy” changes to deal with. Some of these things we can let go by, others we should put effort behind to aid us in maintaining a valid relationship with our growing kids.

New Situations. Life has accelerated. New situations with moral implications are flying at us often. Boys are calling my girls – and they want to answer! Telling your 16 year old that you don’t approve of a PG-13 movie is not quite so simple as, “you are only 7!” Discussions at school about abortion, homosexuality and pornography are a bit beyond your reach to moderate or filter before it hits their ears.

Our job as parents has changed. We are not incubating our children anymore; we can’t isolate our precious children from foul input. Whatever insulation we can put on had better already be put on. Our job has changed, we are still a part of the game, but our role has changed – or at least it should have.

As life changes around us, we have to respond. We must change also. A lot of changes occur during the preteen and teen years. The balance of leading by authority and leading out of relationship is the change to be understood and managed.

Finding and keeping that balance takes forethought, an action plan and perseverance. Take some classes, read some books. Preparation for Adolescence and Reaching the Heart of your Teen are great classes. Read various books about dating and courtship. Pray. Settle your mind (and your children’s) on how your family will handle dating issues. Do the same with other common issues – relationship priorities (Family First!), movies, music, drugs and alcohol, cell phones. Work your way through the topics, discuss with your spouse and then with your children. If you have been working on their hearts all along, there may be no major shifts in philosophy and your kids may be right in step with you. If so – awesome! But, do it anyway! These issues are important, read about it, pray about it and talk about it.

Throughout all these changes, focus on building and maintaining your relationships with each of your children. For us, this also takes a plan. We make a point of having “dates” with each of our children, even the married ones, on a frequent basis. Set up lunch dates, or just grab some ice cream or coffee and use those times to become and stay connected.

Having a strong relationship where trust exists and the communication lines are open will allow you to connect heart to heart. They will know that you care, love and desire the best for them and they will be more willing to hear and submit to the wisdom you will bring to them.

Permission granted by Tim and Ami Loper of Miracle Books.  The original version of this article can be found in the Spring 2008 edition of “Oh Yeah”.

When my children were toddlers I expected to repeat myself often, and I did! Little minds needed prodding to remember that toys didn’t pick themselves up and Mommy is the boss even when we’re at Grandma’s house.

During the elementary years I was the one who needed reminding that they were capable of remembering the certain unchangeable rules like common courtesies at church, putting shoes where they go, and not talking with food in their mouths. The responsibility had shifted to them in many areas to ensure their ownership of our rules and God’s standard of behavior.

As my children have grown into their pre-teen years the amount of things they are responsible for has changed. Also the weight of these things has increased. No longer are we telling them they can’t ride their bicycle in the neighbor’s yard, but why we don’t feel it’s best to have boyfriends and girlfriends. What a difference a few years makes!

The toys are more valuable and the broken rules have sometimes life-changing consequences. Our hope now is that their decision-making and their actions are spurred on by their beliefs. If we’ve done a good job filling their minds with principles from the Word and led them to the Counsel of the Holy Spirit, then we, like other parents, pray they make wise choices.

What I’ve found to be another difference in my parenting is that I must be willing to repeat my convictions about these heavier topics. Not only repeating for clarity but for encouragement.

A common example stems from the increased time my children are in school with their friends. They forget why we have chosen the standard we have. They know it’s because “we want to do things God’s way,” and, “God’s way is always the best way.” These answers, though accepted, don’t satisfy the longing of our adolescents to feel secure and satisfied when “everybody” seems to be doing something else.

My daughter recently came and asked if she could talk to me alone. I’ve learned, especially with her temperament, that she was inviting me into her private world with these words. She proceeds to tell me a boy has asked her “out.” “Not to go anywhere or do anything, just to be his girlfriend,” she expounds. She wants to know why we don’t allow this and she asks quietly, humbly, and not in a challenging way.

I begin by asking her why she thinks we believe the way we do. She surprises me with an almost verbatim response from six months ago when she posed a similar question before a school dance. OK, so she’s heard, but she just needs reassurance as she deals with this again.

My quick answer would’ve been, “You know why!” Fortunately, I’ve learned that my pre-teens, although raised with the principles of God’s Word, still need repeating, redefining, and encouraging at times. This scenario epitomizes the reason we have developed a relationship with our children over the years! It’s a blessing they are asking questions at all!

I know I’m the same way with God, and I’m almost certain that’s one of the reasons God transcribed His Word so I could be reminded of His ways every hour if necessary. Oh, how I wish we were still talking about why we don’t pick flowers in someone else’s yard! Instead we are forging ahead – hopefully remembering that sometimes we all need a reminder to speak those words of life gently and maybe speak them again and again.

We’ve dealt with lying. Boy, and how! We had a child who lied so often, it was amazing! I’m telling you, you just haven’t lived until a Children’s Church leader has called you because your little darling has asked for prayer from the entire assemblage of children and leaders because her aunt (your sister) has died “while giving birth” to twins! Then try to neatly explain that it’s all just a fabrication. All this while you are trying to convince the church leaders that you are the person to head up a new parenting ministry called, “Growing Kids God’s Way!” I can laugh at this now, because it was almost a dozen years ago!

I always give this example to parents who come to us with the “lying question.” You can see in their eyes that after they hear my story, they feel a whole lot better about their child! Then I look at my daughter and smile as I think, “You’ve come a long way, Baby!” Praise the Lord.

So, how’d we get from horror to praise? Well, here are some of the nuts and bolts we figured out along the way.

It is good to first consider the age of the child, the frequency with which he lies and to contemplate the reason the child is resorting to the behavior (imagination, parental unfairness, etc.). Beyond that there are so many factors to consider.

First, how’s couchtime? It’s amazing how many things can be affected without it. It’s always a good idea to look here first.

Next, how much training has gone into teaching qualities like diligence, honesty, personal responsibility (opposite virtue training)? Teaching the value of honesty is vital. Without giving a “fire and brimstone” message, an earnest conversation from a concerned parent about the way God feels about lying, what lying does to an individual and his relationships and his heart can turn a child around by giving them the big picture they never considered. Singer/Songwriter, Stormie Omartian, told her son, “Satan is a liar… All the evil he does begins with a lie. People who lie believe that lying will make things better for them. But actually, it does just the opposite. That’s because telling a lie means you have aligned yourself with Satan. Every time you lie you give Satan a piece of your heart. The more lies you tell, the more you give place in your heart to Satan’s lying, until eventually you can’t stop yourself from lying.”

Another common factor, is that the child has too much unsupervised time. Sin can breed a type of unhealthy independence that encourages lying. For instance, if the child has been sent to his room to do his homework and he has spent one of the two hours playing around daydreaming, the time of disobedience has fed a false sense of independence. Then when confronted with his sin, his natural inclination is to cover it and because he has already been feeding his sin nature, it doesn’t cause too much discomfort to his heart to lie. Face it, sin is pleasurable. If a child has had a grand time in disobedience, he will continue. Try keeping a bit of a tighter reign on the child – no extended periods of time alone when an instruction has been given.

Another piece of this puzzle is harder to explain, but so consistent, it is impossible to ignore. It is the spiritual factor. If a child has issues with abandonment, they very often lie. This is not to say that children of divorce or adoption are inherently bad * certainly not! However, it seems that something is violated in their hearts that causes them to feel they need to lie. Perhaps they are angry; perhaps they are afraid of losing anyone else and so they cover their mistakes. Whatever it is, it is essential to remember that our battle is not against flesh and blood. We must fight on the spiritual front with our spiritual weapons. Praying over this child and declaring that he is not a liar is essential. Stand fast on your child’s behalf against any lying spirit that would seek to destroy your child’s life.

So, your child has lied. Now what? After evaluating the reasons honestly, how will you react? It is hard not to take lying personally. It hurts! And while it is okay to show your child that you are hurt, disappointed and less likely to trust them as implicitly as you would like to be able to, it is not okay to allow them to feel that there is no forgiveness, no hope for relationship or you will never think of them the same again. God never does that to us no matter what we do.

Naturally there will be consequences. It depends greatly on the pattern of lying and what the lie was about. In our home, if a child lied, it was an automatic chastisable offense. If the child would have had consequences of any kind for the action they are lying about (not doing homework, disobeying, etc.) they received those consequences along with the additional consequence for lying. It is important to separate the offenses. A child must see that he would have been better off to just tell the truth no matter what.

In addition, a time of looking over his shoulder to make sure of compliance and honesty is appropriate. If a child is lying about things outside your home, restrict his activities outside the home. The logic is simple, “If I can’t trust you outside the home, you will have to stay here.”

We had a child look up and write out different verses that reveal how God views lying. It was very eye-opening. It is important that children understand what is at the core of lying.

Lying is no small thing. Few behaviors we confront as parents strike so close to our hearts and threaten our children’s lives and spirits the way lying does. It is important to not underestimate the implications of having a child who lies. And though some issues we face can be met head on and conquered, lying is a battle that we will need to fight on many fronts. It is best to surround the enemy of lying with all your forces and attack wholeheartedly. Remember always that it is lying that is your enemy, NOT the child who is lying. So gather your forces. You’ll need a frontal attack of determination and refusal to accept lying. You’ll flank the sides with training in honesty, virtue, integrity and obedience. You’ll attack from the rear with swift consequences that won’t permit any escaping enemies. And with every move, you’ll make unconditional love your battle cry, reassuring your child that no matter what they do or how much you are hurt, you will always love them. Together, you and your child can route the enemy and have the relationship you want.

Permission granted by Tim and Ami Loper of Miracle Books.  The original version of this article can be found in the Summer 2005 edition of “Oh Yeah”.

In early 2004, we learned that our daughter Alyssa has Celiac Disease. Celiac Disease is genetic condition where the body does not know how to process Gluten, the protein found in wheat and other grains. In the body’s attempt to digest the gluten, it actually begins to destroy itself. The body absorbs nutrition through small hair-like elements in the small intestine called villi. The villi of a person with Celiac Disease becomes damaged by the body’s mis-processing of gluten and the body’s enzymes attack the villi instead of digesting food. Now that Ami and I have learned that Alyssa has Celiac, there is but one solution – she must stop eating Gluten! That solution is no small matter. Gluten shows up just about everywhere. Bread is an obvious no-no, but there is also Gluten in things like some salad dressings, shredded cheese, french fries, mayonnaise, soy sauce, etc.

Why in the world am I writing about this on a GKGW blog? Well in the midst of it all I learned a lesson about myself and it applies to parenting. I found some rebellion in me. When we heard that we must seek out and eliminate all Gluten from Alyssa’s diet, I rebelled. I thought, “That sounds really hard, and like an overreaction.” I wanted to just avoid bread and not worry about the little sources. I voiced my thoughts to a Celiac expert and he challenged my thoughts. He described how every little bit of gluten would damage the villi and keep it from growing back. In a sense, there would be no point in cutting the large amounts of gluten without getting the small amounts out as well – all the work to make new recipes and avoid the big gluten would be wasted.

As I dwelled upon those thoughts, I believe the Lord showed me that as parents we often work hard to address the large blatant defiance and obedience issues while we ignore the “smaller” issue of attitude. The reality is that if we really care about training the heart, then we must be diligent to address all issues of the heart or we will watch our other efforts fall away worthless. One way I personally struggle in this area is being alert and watchful for attitude. The Celiac must watch everything they eat, read every label, being diligent and careful to recognize and avoid hidden gluten sources. We must “read” our children, know their hearts, sense their attitudes and then be bold enough to say and do something about it.

Reworking our buying habits, redeveloping the recipes and submitting to a new menu and diet was a daunting task, taking a lot of effort to make all the changes needed. But we did it (actually Ami did it). Just as with Celiac Disease, your child’s health and life is at stake. Make the effort to reach every part of your child’s heart and leave no attitude unturned – and watch health, peace, joy and moral strength of character grow in your child!

Permission granted by Tim and Ami Loper of Miracle Books.  The original version of this article can be found in the Winter 2004 edition of “Oh Yeah”.

I think one of the hardest things for humans to do is to be happy where they are in life. “The grass is always greener on the other side.” This isn’t always necessarily a bad trait. It motivates us to improve our lives and surroundings. It helps us to improve ourselves. But it can also help us to be unhappy with our current situation and always look hopefully to the future without enjoying the present. It is this weakness I wish to address today.

I talk about this often, perhaps because it is something that I have trouble with and find myself continually working on it. I encourage everyone (including myself) to learn to enjoy each stage of life for what it is. I often hear young mothers long for the future when they will have time to do all the things they want to do, and older mothers long for those fun times with their young children. It is good to have goals and good to have fond memories, but we mustn’t let these two things rob us of the life we are currently living.

Let’s take stages of our children’s lives. I have often shared that my least favorite stage is the newborn stage. I much prefer the toddler stage, and I love having conversations with my son. I have good friends whose favorite stage is the newborn stage. Everyone has their preferred stages. When we recognize that each stage has its benefits and its drawbacks, we can learn to be happy where we are. There isn’t a stage where everything is perfect. You have long nights of newborn life, tantrums of toddlerhood, talking back of pre-teens, and power struggles with teenagers. We minimize these difficulties through applied principles of the –wise series, but we still encounter difficulties along the way. We also have the good qualities of stages. Newborns don’t talk back and are content to cuddle with you, toddlers are constantly learning and are fascinated with every detail of life around them, pre-teens amaze us with their intelligence, and in teen years we can start to really enjoy the fruits of our labors as our children-turning-adults make wise decisions. Whatever stage(s) your child(ren) is at, I encourage you to focus on the things you love about it—enjoy each good thing that you will never see again from that child.

There is also a major lifestyle difference among all the stages of life. As a mother with two young children, I have certain times of day that we I “stuck” home, except in those extenuating circumstances when we take advantage of flexibility in our schedule. For naptime, we are home each day. This limits the number of hours we can spend running errands or playing at the park. Also, no matter how well behaved your children are, it is hard to run errands with them.

Right now, I am also pregnant with my third child. Pregnancy is hard on me; I am one of those women who is really, really sick 24 hours a day for 9 months. One day a few weeks ago, a sweet friend of mine dropped by unexpectedly with dinner for my family. This friend of mine has no children. She and her husband have been trying to have children for 4-5 years. They have tried in-vitro several times without success, and are now waiting with many other parents to be chosen as adoptive parents.

I looked at her that day as she stood in my kitchen, hair all perfect, body unaffected by children, able to come and go as she pleases, and for a fleeting moment, I envied her and longed for the day to come when I could be back to that position in life. It quickly passed me, though, and I realized she, too, must envy me. I have children. I might have a hard time being pregnant, but she will likely never know what it feels like to be pregnant. She lives each day wondering if it will be the day she gets a phone call telling her they have been chosen to adopt a baby. She might have freedom right now, but she doesn’t want it. She longs to be in the position I am: sick, pregnant, and stuck and home each afternoon as the children take a nap. I knew my desires were selfish and that I needed to realign myself and be grateful for the many blessings I have.

I have also watched women whose children are grown and getting married fall into a state of depression as they “lost” their children. They went through the marriage of their children unhappy, mourning the loss of a child rather than celebrating the addition of one. What a tragedy and loss of a moment that will never happen again.

You will be much happier in life as you come to be able to enjoy each stage of your life for what it is. Some stages will be harder for you than others. There will be stages where you wish you could freeze everyone and live that moment forever. Find the good of where you are. Relish every moment. Time does not wait while you feel sorry for yourself; take advantage of each moment you have in life, and you can be truly happy.

My blog: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/