The great debate within me these days is how much to intervene in squabbles between my three older children, ages 14, 13, and 11. Now squabbles is the word that I use to publicly record the incidents that can sometimes be heard through the house. And I’ve noticed certain inflections of the voice and screaming sounds travel quickly to a mother’s ears. Not all squabbles are loud, as sometimes I witness facial gestures in the rearview mirror of the van that I wish I hadn’t. It doesn’t matter what degree of squabble I’m a witness to, I keep thinking about that responsibility monkey, and I have a hard time balancing between putting it on their shoulders and chunking it at them.

On a recent summer day I was feeling a little guilty for spending more time working on a project away from my kids than usual, so when I heard the raised voices mingled with traces of sarcasm and fear, I felt the nudge to go check out the scene unfolding in the kitchen.

Now, admittedly, I make some assumptions about a 14-year-old boy who is a foot taller than either of his sisters, known for his pestering, and a cookie dough connoisseur, like his father. If sister felt like she needed to remove the cookie dough bowl from the counter and move away from him and his hungry spoon, then I’m thinking he might’ve not practiced the principle, “ask before you reach.” Of course, this was sister’s first ever time to make the famous family cookies entirely by herself; including the clean up, I was sure. I admit to empathy for her plight to keep some of the batter for making her goal into a reality. It appears that he reached over her, she protected her bowl, and then he followed her brandishing a spoon!

After making sure the cookie batter was safe, and asking for both sides of the story,  I reminded her she could’ve deferred. In that scenario some batter wasn’t going to make it into cookies, but the bowl was very full and could indeed have been sampled. Then, I looked into the eyes of the boy/man. This is the baby who let me test every Prep and GKGW principle on him until it worked!

“Son, can you not see that she has prepared the cookie dough by herself and has a plan for it? Did you ask in your most precious family-honoring voice for a taste? Isn’t this the sister who shares most easily by nature? You have the spoon in your possession now, do you not think this implicates your chase around the kitchen, and can’t you see that you might possibly be bullying her by your size and sheer determination?”

No, that’s not what I said! However, after a reminder of his tendency to rush in, God red-flagged me and reminded me of the lesson God had been teaching me in the last few weeks…

In summary, no one’s words cut deeper nor lift me up higher than my husband’s. I have been blessed with Mr. Logical, Mr. Compassion and Mr. Romance all in one. And as strong-willed as I’ve ever been, I have the thinnest skin when it comes to his words to me. I really don’t want to admit it, but twice in the last month we have had deep “discussions” over what I thought he said about me, or what it inferred about me, or what I thought he thought about me! I want him to think the best about me, although I know that he loves me and he knows everything about me. After our last “discussion” I was reading an article that quoted one of Steven Covey’s tips, “Seek first to understand and then be understood.” OK, I recognized that:

Proverbs 15:2 (yes, right after the harsh words verse) The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the (self-confident) fool gushes folly.

The word “commends” is translated utters or useth in the KJV and the Amplified and is defined as 1) to put in the care of another, 2: to recommend, 3) to praise. No, that’s not what I do when I run in with my sword drawn ready to fight to be understood first!

Simply put, it’s not enough to learn the verses without actually trying to live them. That’s what I call a red-flag moment with God.  He pops that Truth up all the time because I’m training my children in the same things I am learning!

Back in the kitchen, in a moment of clarity, I reminded brother to consider others and to try to understand them before being understood. Seek knowledge, my son.  I admitted to him this is something I need to work on. Not an hour before he had witnessed me getting defensive over a non-Kingdom issue at the lunch table.  No kidding, I had let my son see that if you feel it’s right and no one will listen, then just move on in and say or do what you think is right in the moment so they will understand your point!  This is a picture of a self-confident fool gushing.

How much should I intervene or how should I intervene? That is the question.

It’s probably never wrong to enter a squabble with a bit of Truth. Not that basic reminders of laundry protocol will not be necessary, but because I know my children have the Spirit in them, I’m thinking He can do His work if I let Him, and stop gushing!

Oh, the wonderful teen years!

I attended a church conference this past April and one talk really stood out to me –and stood out to all mothers I talked to. It was presented by one of our church Elders, M. Russell Ballard and I wish to share some highlights from his message entitled Daughters of God.

“While women live in homes under many different circumstances—married, single, widowed, or divorced, some with children and some without—all are beloved of God, and He has a plan for His righteous daughters to receive the highest blessings of eternity.”

“… I surely know that there is no role in life more essential and more eternal than that of motherhood.”

“There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family.”

“I am impressed by countless mothers who have learned how important it is to focus on the things that can only be done in a particular season of life. If a child lives with parents for 18 or 19 years, that span is only one-fourth of a parent’s life. And the most formative time of all, the early years in a child’s life, represents less than one-tenth of a parent’s normal life. It is crucial to focus on our children for the short time we have them with us and to seek, with the help of the Lord, to teach them all we can before they leave our homes. This eternally important work falls to mothers and fathers as equal partners. I am grateful that today many fathers are more involved in the lives of their children. But I believe that the instincts and the intense nurturing involvement of mothers with their children will always be a major key to their well-being.”

“We need to remember that the full commitment of motherhood and of putting children first can be difficult. Through my own four-generation experience in our family, and through discussions with mothers of young children throughout the Church, I know something of a mother’s emotions that accompany her commitment to be at home with young children. There are moments of great joy and incredible fulfillment, but there are also moments of a sense of inadequacy, monotony, and frustration. Mothers may feel they receive little or no appreciation for the choice they have made. Sometimes even husbands seem to have no idea of the demands upon their wives.”

“We want you to be happy and successful in your families and to have the validation and support you need and deserve. So today, let me ask and briefly answer four questions. While my answers may seem extremely simple, if the simple things are being tended to, a mother’s life can be most rewarding.”

QUESTION 1: What can you do, as a young mother, to reduce the pressure and enjoy your family more?

• First, recognize that the joy of motherhood comes in moments. There will be hard times and frustrating times. But amid the challenges, there are shining moments of joy and satisfaction. Author Anna Quindlen reminds us not to rush past the fleeting moments. She said: “The biggest mistake I made [as a parent] is the one that most of us make. . . . I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of [my three children] sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages six, four, and one. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less”(Loud and Clear [2004], 10–11).
• Second, don’t overschedule yourselves or your children. We live in a world that is filled with options. If we are not careful, we will find every minute jammed with social events, classes, exercise time, book clubs, scrapbooking, Church callings, music, sports, the Internet, and our favorite TV shows. One mother told me of a time that her children had 29 scheduled commitments every week: music lessons, Scouts, dance, Little League, day camps, soccer, art, and so forth. She felt like a taxi driver. Finally, she called a family meeting and announced, “Something has to go; we have no time to ourselves and no time for each other.” Families need unstructured time when relationships can deepen and real parenting can take place. Take time to listen, to laugh, and to play together.
• Third, even as you try to cut out the extra commitments, sisters, find some time for yourself to cultivate your gifts and interests. Pick one or two things that you would like to learn or do that will enrich your life, and make time for them. Water cannot be drawn from an empty well, and if you are not setting aside a little time for what replenishes you, you will have less and less to give to others, even to your children. Avoid any kind of substance abuse, mistakenly thinking that it will help you accomplish more. And don’t allow yourself to be caught up in the time-wasting, mind-numbing things like television soap operas or surfing the Internet. Turn to the Lord in faith, and you will know what to do and how to do it.
• Fourth, pray, study, and teach the gospel. Pray deeply about your children and about your role as a mother. Parents can offer a unique and wonderful kind of prayer because they are praying to the Eternal Parent of us all. There is great power in a prayer that essentially says, “We are steward-parents over Thy children, Father; please help us to raise them as Thou wouldst want them raised.”

QUESTION 2: What more can a husband do to support his wife, the mother of their children?

• First, show extra appreciation and give more validation for what your wife does every day. Notice things and say thank you—often. Schedule some evenings together, just the two of you.
• Second, have a regular time to talk with your wife about each child’s needs and what you can do to help.
• Third, give your wife a “day away” now and then. Just take over the household and give your wife a break from her daily responsibilities. Taking over for a while will greatly enhance your appreciation of what your wife does.
• Fourth, come home from work and take an active role with your family. Don’t put work, friends, or sports ahead of listening to, playing with, and teaching your children.

This is a summary of the talk. All “bold” have been added by me, as well as the bullets.

I hope these words can offer you comfort and ideas for improving your happiness in your mothering. I have long recognized that one of the biggest challenges of life is to be content with where you are. “The grass is always greener on the other side.” When Brayden (my oldest, now 3) was a baby, I would always think things like, “once he is sleeping through the night, things will be good” “once he is crawling, we will all be much happier” (he was extremely active) and “once he is walking, it will be much easier.” While all of those things were true, I was looking to the future too much and therefore missing the present. Each stage of your child’s life has its perks and its difficulties. Some stages are easier than others in general, but none is without its challenges. One I learned to truly be happy with where Brayden was, I was much happier.

I am personally not a huge fan of the newborn stage. I know for some that is their favorite. Not me. I am more of a toddler person. I love the fun of toddlerhood. I love it once the baby reaches one year old. With Kaitlyn (now 15 months), I really strived to enjoy her newborn months. Newborns are cuddly and so small. They don’t talk back. They are comparatively easy to make happy. Those first smiles and giggles fill your heart to overflowing. I truly enjoyed those sweet newborn moments; however, I can still see room for improvement in my heart. When we have our third child, I will strive enjoy those tender moments even more.

There are always things to get done. You will always have projects and chores waiting for you. There are countless jobs that are never truly done. Cleaning can always be done more deeply, and once you get it cleaned to perfection it takes a matter of moments for it to start to get dirty again. Remember that while cleanliness is a good thing, your children will remember and care more about the memories made with you than how clean your house was. Yes, you want it sanitary, but sometimes things can wait. This is a challenge for me. I find myself often putting my children off so I can finish cleaning something. When I seize that moment to play with them, we have such fun, and the dishes always do get done. Enjoy your children and enjoy your position as a mother of your sweet little ones.

Motherhood is hard. Applying Babywise principles to your family can be stressful at times. You worry that you are doing something wrong when your child isn’t “textbook.” You fuss over the schedule. Try to relax. Remember that your schedule is to serve you and your family. I always tell moms to work on things, but don’t let it consume you. Don’t put so much stock in how many hours straight your 14 week old is sleeping in the night. Work on things always, but also accept where things are at so that you don’t let these precious moments pass you by. Through these simple words of counsel as shared by Elder Ballard, you can enjoy your time with your children and get the most out of these years you have with them. Take care of yourself. Take care of your family. Enjoy each moment. Focus on the things that can’t afford to be put off. Prioritize your goals each day.

As I look over this counsel, I see how easy it is to apply it because of the principles of Babywise. Independent playtime can help give you time to do things around the house, and also to follow your own hobbies and interests. Knowing the schedule of your children gives mom the opportunity to leave the house and not stress about the state of her children—as much J (sorry Dads, but we often take some time to chill out, no matter how much we trust you). Couch time offers mom and dad a time to talk about the needs of the children each day. You can enjoy motherhood. To talk to moms whose children are all grown and gone, they always counsel to enjoy your children because before you know it, they are grown and gone. Let’s learn from these women and receive full joy from our position as mothers.

http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/

You’ve picked up Preschoolwise for your 3-year-old’s tantrums, Childwise for the back-talk from your 9-year-old, and Preteenwise for your 12-year-old’s moodiness. Have you noticed that there seems to be a common thread with many of these issues? While the books may help by providing some age specific solutions, the list below may prove helpful in working on the ‘root’ of the problem. Ask yourself, ‘is there a…..

1. Lack of oneness in the marriage relationship: disharmony; lack of communication with one another; lack of respect; not being in agreement with each other on instructions to child, training of the child, or discipline of the child; allowing the child to play one parent against the other; no ‘couch time’ or other vehicle demonstrating the priority of your relationship in the home; etc.

2. Lack of structure and routine: nothing is predictable–meal times, bed times, structured learning times, play times, time for chores or other age-related responsibilities, etc.

3. Too many verbal and physical freedoms and too many choices: arguing, complaining, whining, talking back would be examples of verbal freedoms; physical freedoms would involve doing things without asking, child telling you what she will or will not do, kicking, hitting, etc. Too many choices for the child’s age for example, a preschooler having to have a choice on what or when she will eat, what she will wear, where she will sit (the “wise in your own eyes” scenario from the videos).

4. Lack of consistency: As Dad & Mom do we ’say what they mean and mean what they say’ to our children? Do we carry through when we promise her something, thus building trust? Is there a good measure of encouragement when she does do something right? Encouragement is a HUGE part of security as well as motivation for a child. Is there faithfulness in teaching and training as well as discipline and correction?

5. Lack of prayer and trusting God: Do we pray together as a family; pray with the child about the behavior issues; cry out to God for His help when we don’t know what to do, rather than becoming angry and taking matters into our own hands; Ps 50:15 says,” Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor Me.” James 1:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” John 15:5 ends by declaring “without Me, you can do nothing.” God wants us to be fully dependent on Him for the training of our children. Another thing that enters into this root cause is the lack of seeking forgiveness and restoration in the relationship after correction.

6. Selfishness: This enters into all of the other root causes, but is demonstrated in our wanting OUR way, or OUR time, etc. Faithfulness in parenting involves giving of ourselves (sacrifice) even in times when we
don’t feel like it. Phil 2:3-4 says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” There are times when the child’s best interest must be put ahead of our own desires or comfort and that is not ‘child-centered’, rather it is considering the need for training our child’s heart over what we wanted to do at the moment.

These are some things to consider and pray about as you seek Him for resolution to the relationship with, and training of your children. While these causes are not exhaustive–I am sure you can add to them–they are examples.

Edited from notes by Dianne Doty, wife, mom and grandmother.

Hi again. As promised last time, the next principle I thought I’d share with you from Anne Marie’s wisdom is the ‘Walk & Talk’ principle.

This is something we have found particularly helpful with our boys as they have reached the middle years.

It is a well known fact that men and boys will be more likely to talk and ‘open up’ if they are working in a triangle. i.e. They are working on a project or activity with another guy and so don’t have to look directly at the other person but can talk to them while focusing on something else (who said men can’t multi task?!). This is where Dad builds a go-cart with his son and they end up talking about deeper issues because the go-cart provides a bit of a distraction and the pressure isn’t on the conversation – it happens naturally.

Using that concept, Anne Marie reminded me of the ‘Walk & Talk’ principle when I shared about my frustration with knowing how to talk with my 10 year old son. I found that I was too often slipping into ‘lecture’ mode. If he did something that we both knew he shouldn’t, I would start lecturing him out of my frustration and that was not being productive in changing his behavior AT ALL!

So instead Anne Marie reminded me that in the Middle Years course they talk about taking your child for a walk and talking through the issues as you go. This has a two fold benefit. Firstly, it creates an triangular situation where you are not sitting and talking directly to them (which can be quite threatening, especially when you are still working on gaining self control yourself!) and secondly, it is a great way to burn off some of that excess energy and even anger that may be building up.

We have now used this principle on a regular basis and even try to do it frequently when our sons haven’t done anything wrong. We will often ‘Walk & Talk’ to encourage them if we see they have really been working on developing a particular character quality. That way, it is not a threatening thing but just a natural part of how we communicate.

On a practical note, it doesn’t have to be a long walk. Often we just go to the end of the driveway and back and that’s enough for things to calm down and be discussed.

Try it, hopefully it will help in your family too!

Until next time,

Charissa

Previous posts in this series include: Anne Marie’s Wisdom and More of Anne Marie’s Wisdom.

Question:

“My husband and I don’t practice “couch time” per se, but we DO try to make a point of “catching up on each other’s day,” while we get dinner ready. Isn’t that good enough?”

Answer:

“There is such a good reason why “couch time” is encouraged throughout the On Becoming books, from Babywise to Teenwise. There is just no substitute for mom and dad taking a few minutes each day to stop everything and totally focus on each other. Think of it like this. There are plenty of times during the day when you and your children will “work” together folding laundry, picking up after play time, working in the yard, etc. but do those times in any way compare to those special moments when you take your preschooler on to your lap to read her a book, or when you give your 7 year old your undivided attention while he tells you what happened at school that day? I can promise you that your child knows the difference! ? In the same way, your children will be able to see the difference between you and your husband “laboring side by side to maintain their world,” and the respect and loyalty communicated through “couch time.”"