• Think For Yourself: Okay, this isn’t my personal reason. This is from Toddlerwise. “The less skillfully you think, the more others will think for you” (page 63). There is a lot of knowledge available out there. There are a lot of differing opinions on how to raise children. No two systems are the same, obviously. If they were, there would be no need for both. When you read several different theories, you run the risk of confusing yourself and creating inconsistencies in your parenting. However, reading different theories can give you a deep pool of knowledge to draw from. You will be most successful at this if you understand your Beliefs and Goals (Toddlerwise) (found in this chapter) and can problem solve using those beliefs and goals (see Problem Solving Using Beliefs, Goals, Why, and How ). You must be able to discern what is right for you and your family. No book can tell you that. If you rely on a book, or several books, you will all be confused.
• Children Are Individuals: I have three children. While they all have similarities with each other, no two have been the same. When I had my second child, I had to consciously tell myself that she was not my son. She didn’t have the same preferences he did. For example, he hated to be cold. She hated to be hot. I could not treat her as the same baby that he was. My third child is, naturally, also an individual person. I haven’t had to remind myself to treat her as an individual now that I have been skillfully practicing that for over two years, but I have recognized that she is her own self. No book can successfully tell you what to do with your individual child unless you write it yourself, and by then it will be after you have problem solved and gotten to know your child. You need to learn how to think so you can take the principles you agree with and want to apply to your family and turn them into reality for your individual child.
• Books Are Short: No book can possibly cover every scenario you will ever encounter. You wouldn’t be willing to pay the price for that book–it would cost too much :). If you know the “why” behind what you are doing, you can tailor things to your child as an individual. If you rely on “if X then Y” statements, then you will find yourself in a panic when X happens and the book didn’t cover it.
• Children Are Human: Your child is a human, not a math equation. She has emotions and physical pain and a mind of her own. Perhaps “If X then Y” is often true for your baby and for most babies. But along comes a moment when “If X is not Y”–it is actually B, or more accurately, some obscure letter you have never heard of before. Yes, this happens. If you rely on a list of equations, you will often be applying a remedy that is not going to solve the problem. And, interesting to note, that as you progress in mathematics, the problems become abstract. I don’t have personal experience with this as an English major, but my husband, the engineer, tells me this is true. So even advanced math is not as simple as “If X then Y.” Your child, the human, is more complex than any math problem.
• Bumps Are Normal: Without a doubt, even the easiest baby will come to bumps in the road. As I said, babies are human. Humans are not perfect. Your baby is no more perfect at being a baby than you are at being a parent. If you have bad days, if you make mistakes, rest assured your baby will too. Sometimes bumps are something predictable like a growth spurt. Sometimes bumps might just be because your baby is having an off day for a reason you will never know. The reasons for bumps are as varied as children are themselves. No book can predict all bumps and therefore it cannot tell you what to do in every situation. You need to know the why behind what you are doing so you can access the situation and handle it appropriately.

I hope I have effectively convinced you to learn how to think. If you haven’t done so, get your hands on this chapter, The Land of Good Reason, and read it. I think it is even valuable for a parent of a one month old. It will help you see the bigger picture of what you are doing and help you avoid becoming legalistic in your parenting.

My Blog: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/

On Becoming Babywise II discusses the difference between childishness and foolishness on page 86. Childishness is on accident. It happens because your child doesn’t know or understand the rules. It is not because your child is directly disobeying you. Foolishness is on purpose. Your child knows the rules and disobeys anyway. It is important to evaluate if actions are out of childishness or foolishness because your response should be different in each case.

Babywise II explains it this way: Foolishness is a heart problem while Childishness is a head problem (page 87). The head problem simply needs information. The heart problem is a bigger deal because your child is choosing to do the wrong thing–choosing to disobey. Both require correction, but different methods of correction.

This might seem simple to determine, but if you have a child who is makes both childish and foolish decisions, you know that you as the parent often evaluate the situation incorrectly. Usually you are wrong in that you assume a childish action was done in foolishness. This can happen if you assume your child knows rules that haven’t been explained. You might assume your child should make connections that he just isn’t capable of connecting. Or you might be telling your child to do or don’t do something and he just doesn’t understand what you are saying. He lacks the vocabulary.

For example, you might tell your child to not run. First, does your child know exactly what running is? Even if he is running at the moment you instruct him not to, you can’t assume he will know what running is. He will think through what he was doing and try to figure out what you meant by “run.” Many will try to reenact things they were doing when they were told to not run in order to figure that out, especially if they don’t know how to say, “What does run mean?” Your toddler will be in the preschool years before he really can use words to clarify something like that. So be sure your child knows what it is you are asking of him.

You will see a lot more of the misunderstandings in the younger months. When your six month old blows a raspberry and splatters food all over you during lunch for the first time, you might touch his lips and tell him “That’s a no, you keep your food in your mouth.” The look on your face and tone in your voice will tell your baby he has done something wrong, but he won’t necessarily know what it was. Some might get it right away while others won’t. Those who don’t will usually repeat the action like a little scientist, trying to figure out exactly what wasn’t okay about what he just did. If you stay consistent, he will figure out more quickly what he did wrong. Your child will continue to be a scientist throughout his life as he grows up and tries to figure out exactly what is expected of him.

One morning we were in our church hurrying to our meeting. Our son Brayden was trying to hurry also, and started to run. I instructed him to not run. He was at an age where he knew just what I was talking about, so he didn’t run. He walked really quickly–you know that pace where they are so close to the run–, which wasn’t what I considered to be reverent enough for the church either. I might be able to expect an older child to know that if I tell him not to run that means he must also not walk quickly, but definitely not of a child this young. Also, I had made the mistake of telling him simply what not to do rather than adding in what to do. Further explanation helped him to know what it was I was asking of him. His quick walking in this situation was not a defiant action. He didn’t think, “I’ll show her; I’ll just walk quickly then.” His quick walking was a childish action. He did not yet know exactly what was appropriate and what wasn’t appropriate in the church.

Sometimes you will assume an action that is neither childish nor foolish was foolish. For example, a few days ago my daughter Kaitlyn (22 Months) was sitting on the potty. She reached out and unrolled some toilet paper. This is not something I have ever addressed with her. Brayden never touched it, so it hasn’t occurred to me to talk to Kaitlyn about it. This action was childishness. I told her we don’t play with the toilet paper. She told me “okay Mommy” then immediately reached up to it again. I started to give her my Mommy Glare and tell her that was a no when I realized she wasn’t reaching to play with it; rather she was rolling it back up as it was before she unrolled it in the first place. She was attempting to correct her wrong action. It is good to wait a moment to know exactly what your child is doing before you jump to your conclusion and start to discipline and correct.

In general, a childish act should get a verbal response from the parent. Tell the child no, explain what was done wrong, then instruct on what to do instead: “That’s a no. We don’t touch the toilet paper. Keep your hands in your lap.” You can certainly add things. If the child made a mess, you can have the child help clean it up. You can have the child correct any wrong that may have been done. Even if something is an accident, it still needs to be corrected. People don’t just get to walk away and say, “Oops.”

You can be sure an act was foolish when your child has already demonstrated an understanding for expected behavior in that situation. A foolish action will require more discipline. Exactly what you do and how you do it is dependent on the child. The child’s age, frequency of the offense, situational context, and the child’s overall behavior all factor in to deciding what to do (page 87). As the parent, it is for you to decide what to do.

Life with children is never cut and dry. Here is a story to illustrate. Brayden loves certain types of blankets. As he has gotten older, we have restricted where the blankets were allowed to be. At one point, they were allowed upstairs, but not on the main level. Then we decided it was time that they must remain in his room. I told him his blanket must stay in his room. He had a day where he left his room with it several times. This might seem foolish, but it was actually childish. He wasn’t leaving the room with it having decided to disobey, he just was in the habit and wasn’t thinking. The next morning, he left his room with it again. I told him that if he left his room with his blanket one more time, he was going to lose the blanket. I asked him if he understood, he said yes. I told him to leave his blanket in his room, he said “yes Mommy.” About 60 seconds later, he declared he needed a tissue and ran out of the room with his blanket in tow.

I knew that this was again a childish action. He wasn’t willfully defying me. But I also knew that something extreme needed to happen for him to have reason to remember the new blanket rule. I took the blanket as promised. I have never seen him so upset. He didn’t throw a fit, he was just emotionally upset at the prospect of losing his blanket. After a couple of minutes, he calmed down. He knew he had messed up and he was ready to take the consequence.

Later that day, I gave his blanket back. He was very grateful and told me he wouldn’t leave his room with his blanket any more. And he didn’t. So you can see from this story that childish actions still need correction. And just because the child understands something doesn’t mean it is automatically a foolish action.

Make the effort to figure out if your child is being childish or foolish. As you get to know your child, you will recognize cues like a certain glint in the eye when the child is knowingly disobeying. You will continue to misjudge. You aren’t perfect. I still misjudge Brayden, who is almost 4. But you will get better at it. Keep these things in mind as you determine if an action is childish or foolish:

• Don’t assume your child knows rules. Explain things to your child as age appropriate.
• Don’t assume your child will realize that if something is wrong, similar things are also wrong.
• Be sure your child understands what you are telling him.
• Be sure you tell your child not only what not to do, but what to do.
• Observe your child for a moment before assuming he is being disobedient.

Boundaries give us freedom. When we know the choices, the limits, and the consequences, we are able to make a full decision. We are aware of what will happen when we cross the line and what will happen when we stay far from the line. We are free to live our life in the way we really want to.

Our children will grow up. They are growing up each day. The time to teach them about boundaries is now, not later. You train them now while the stakes are low. Most choices they make at the age of toddlerhood are not going to make or break something of huge significance (at least from an adult perspective). We aren’t talking about grades that will affect which college to get in to or committing some crime that gives them a record or worse. This isn’t to say that the things you teach them at this young age are of little importance or that your toddler can’t possibly make a choice that can be detrimental to him. It is to say that giving your child boundaries now will teach him about choices and consequences, so when he has those more important choices in the future he is better equipped to handle them. He will know that consequences are real and will have respect for them.

On Becoming Toddlerwise states that boundaries take on two forms. Physical boundaries and neurologic boundaries. Physical boundaries are important for your toddler. Your toddler lacks the knowledge and life experience to know what can be dangerous and what cannot. These are boundaries for health and safety. Neurologic boundaries are associated with learning. Your toddler is an individual; “…your toddler’s developing brain sets its own boundaries and has its own way of organizing” (Toddlerwise, p.30).

A good way to teach your child about consequences and choices is to put in place your physical boundaries. You have certain things he can’t touch and certain places he can’t go. You have certain times he needs to wash his hands. You also have your neurologic boundaries. There are activities your child doesn’t do yet because he isn’t mentally ready for them. He needs to learn smaller steps to lead up to the activity. You limit his time in front of the television to allow for active rather than passive learning. You guide his curiosity to help him learn rather than letting him wander at will in order to learn. You provide structure, guidance, and proactive teaching. You keep freedoms equal to your toddler’s self-control.

I would like to revisit my illustration on boundaries from the last post. Remember the three papers? Let’s discuss how this might be applied to your child in real life.

SITUATION ONE: I put before you three pieces of paper, each with a different picture on it. I then tell you to pick one, so you do. I then deliver a consequence for your choice.

I think as parents we do this to our children more than we realize. The problem with this situation is that we are delivering consequences to our children without first explaining the rules. In this illustration, they don’t even really know what they are picking. Perhaps you tell your child to choose a shirt for the day. The activities of the day require a dressy shirt, but your child doesn’t know that. He chooses a shirt with Lightening McQueen on it. You are a little stressed because today is a busy day. You become frustrated with his choice and reprimand him. Maybe you remain calm and don’t reprimand him, but tell him he can’t wear his fun red shirt, he has to wear his white polo shirt and he gets upset. You then punish him for getting upset at your instruction. In reality, this wasn’t fair. He started off thinking he was choosing his shirt for the day. He chooses and feels proud of himself for being so responsible. You then reprimanded or chose for him and he naturally becomes disappointed, which earns him more negative consequences.

Here is another possible scenario with this situation. You might tell your child he can finish his show if he wants to before bed. Once the show is over and bedtime arrives, you tell him there is no time for a story tonight because he chose to watch a show instead. He is disappointed because he loves to read stories with you before bed. The problem here is that you didn’t tell him if he watched his show he wouldn’t get to have a story before bed.

Sometimes you might find that you have taken this scenario a bit further. About a month ago, our family went to visit a couple who had just adopted their first baby. I guess I assumed my three and a half year old son would know how to act and what would be expected of him. The couple we were going to visit are good friends of ours. They love children, and having previously had none of their own, they were surrogate children to all they knew. My children love them. My son was very excited to be there and expected the same level of attention he had always enjoyed. He basically got hyper in the excitement. I was disappointed in this. I realized I had expected him to see the choices he had before him and to also choose the correct choice without even telling him those choices were there.

A few days later, we took dinner to this same family. Before we left our home, I sat down with my son and told him the appropriate behavior for the occasion. I told him there was a new baby in this home and we needed to show the baby respect. We needed to speak quietly and we were not to run around. I also brought a few toys for my children to play with to keep them occupied—you know how people don’t have toys for kids before they have kids. This visit went very well. In fact, it took my son about 15 minutes before he even talked because he didn’t want to disrupt the baby. He knew about the choices he had. He also knew the consequences of each choice. I didn’t have to threaten him with any direct consequences to himself; I simply had to explain to him how we show respect in a situation like this.

SITUATION TWO: I put before you three pieces of paper each with the same picture on it.

This situation can actually work well in the young years while you are teaching your child how to make choices and live with those choices.

Something simple to do to teach your child consequences of actions and choices is to give him choices. Of course you want to keep in mind the funnel and not give choices that are beyond his ability to handle them. At first these choices are of little consequence in your eyes. Let’s return again to the example of choosing which shirt to wear. You might choose two shirts you would be happy with, then you let your child decide which shirt he wants to wear. He then has the consequence of that choice all day. You don’t put him in one then change it an hour later when he has changed his mind. He chooses his shirt and then wears it for the day.

As he gets older, you increase his freedoms as he demonstrates ability to handle it. Perhaps you will increase his options to three shirts. Some day, he will be able to choose any shirt he wants to. Eventually he will dress himself. I have watched my son through this process. Some days I choose everything he wears–I do this for things like family pictures and special occasions. Other days, I choose either the pants or the shirt. Others, I let him choose it all. On those days he always asks me if what he has chosen matches. He has grown bit by bit and learned along the way.

This situation becomes a problem when you don’t expand the freedoms as your child grows into them. As we read in the –wise books, doing this creates frustration in the child. In summary, this situation can be useful in the young toddler years, but can become a frustration to your child if you do not expand freedoms as appropriate. You want to expand his freedoms so he can practice making real choices as he is able to handle them.

SITUATION THREE: I place the three different pictures in front of you, but this time, I explain that each picture has a different consequence. One is positive, one is negative, and one is neutral, but I don’t tell you which is which.

For this, perhaps a parent will say “Yes, you can have a treat from the refrigerator, food cabinet, or dish of fruit on the table.” The child selects a Popsicle from the refrigerator and the parent punishes the child for that decision. Perhaps the parent tells the child the Popsicle is unacceptable so he will have no treat. The parent wanted the child to choose a piece of fruit since it would offer the most nutritional value. The child had no knowledge of what consequences each option would bring him.

SITUATION FOUR: I put before you the three different pictures and tell you the first one will earn for you a piece of candy. The second one will cause you to lose a piece of candy. The third will do nothing.

This situation offers the child the options for a choice, then tells him what will happen with each choice he makes. This is the most ideal situation for you and your child. It gives him the option to choose while having full knowledge of what the consequence, good or bad, is of each choice. This is the situation that fully teaches him about his ability to make choices. It teaches him that consequences are a reality.

Boundaries are important. I know that many parents today cringe at the thought of putting limits on their child. They worry about stifling creativity and learning ability. They look to the future and all the rules that will have to be followed and don’t want to start that earlier than they have to. “Let kids be kids.” But not giving boundaries is a great disservice to your child. Without physical boundaries, he can get hurt. Without neurological boundaries, he won’t grow in intellect as quickly and he could otherwise. Without boundaries he will not grow as a person. He will not learn about consequences. He will have expectations of the world that the world simply isn’t willing to give back; only his parents are willing to bend over backwards for him. Help your child to learn and grow as much as possible by placing the necessary boundaries on him now.

My blog: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/

As our little babies move into toddlerhood, it is important as parents to accept the need for boundaries. Chapter three in On Becoming Toddlerwise discusses boundaries for toddlers. It points out that boundaries are not bad. Boundaries show us our limits. They let us know how far we can go. They in effect give us freedom.

When I think of boundaries, it takes me to our ability to make choices. As humans we all possess the capacity to choose what we will and will not do. This ability should be used responsibly, however, because we are always free to choose our actions, but not always free to choose the consequences of those actions. For example, we have laws of the land to obey; if I choose to speed in my vehicle, I must accept responsibility when I get caught for speeding. The best case scenario for speeding would be a ticket from a police man. A worst case would be taking the life of another as a direct result of my speeding. Free will represents the human capacity to choose, while wisdom reflects our judgment in choice. Our children are born with the first, but must be taught the second.

There are also moral laws and family laws to obey. With family laws, you have rules in place for your family. Perhaps there are certain words or actions you don’t allow to be said and done in your family. Life is full of boundaries, but we arrive at those boundaries, and test those boundaries, through our free will. Through these tests we can learn the benefits of respecting our boundaries and the negative effects of pushing, or disobeying, those boundaries.

What are the implications of free will and boundaries for parents? This article discusses the essence of what free will is when it comes to parental instruction and training with toddlers and preschoolers. In part two, I will to speak to the value of boundaries in the life of children. First, what is the relationship between free will and boundaries?  Here is an illustration that I have found helpful. 

I put before you three pieces of paper, each with a different picture on it (what the picture is of doesn’t matter). I then tell you to pick one, so you do. After you have chosen a picture, I deliver a consequence for your choice. Did I really provide you the freedom of choice? No, not really because I withheld from you pertinent facts required for you to make an informed decision. You didn’t have a full understanding as it related to your choices. Now, let’s say I put before you three pieces of paper each with the same picture on it. Again, you are not able to practice free will in decision making because your choices are all the same.

For a third time I place the three different pictures in front of you, but this time, I explain that each picture has with it a different consequence. One is positive, one is negative, and one is neutral, but I don’t tell you which is which. Again, this is not allowing for your free will to operate fully because I am still withholding some facts. You do not have the full knowledge necessary to make a wise decision. Finally, I put before you the three different pictures and tell you the first one will earn for you a piece of candy. The second one will cause you to lose a piece of candy. The third will do nothing. I then ask you to choose one. Now free will is operating within the confine of established boundaries. You know your choices and the consequences that will follow. The boundaries now have meaning beyond simply a limitation.

How do these examples relate to child training? Our children, like us, possess this freedom to choose. All day long, they are making choices. As parents, our goal is to help instill within our children a sustaining wisdom that will help them make good choices for themselves and those around them, now and in the future. To achieve this, we must make sure that our instruction and council present the element of reward for wise decisions and the consequences for foolish decisions. In this way we become partners with their free will as we help mentor our children in wise decision making habits. My next article will give examples on how to put this idea into practice.

My blog: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/