Up until about nine months ago, I, in my naivety, truly believed that people as a whole desired to be kind to other people and treat them well. Where I live, that is just the way people are. Sure, there are people who are unkind and motivated by selfishness, but the majority of people try to be kind to others and treat others with respect.

About 9 months ago, I was on a parents social networking site–my first time ever. In one group, one woman was basically getting roasted. She was being called all sorts of mean names and being ridiculed. Thinking these women who were being rude had simply lost themselves in the comfort of hiding behind their computer, I stuck up for the lone woman and suggested we all be nice and if we couldn’t say something in a nice way, don’t say it. I pointed out that you can disagree without being rude or belittling.

I was shocked at the responses. “That is just the way I am. If she can’t handle it, she should leave.” “I am just a blunt person.” ”I have to be nice to my kids all day; I don’t want to have to be nice here too.” Those are just a few. Wow. I was shocked. I pointed out that I consider myself to be a blunt person, but you can be blunt and tactful. Nope. They weren’t having it. This was an eye opening experience for me.

I will point out that I received many personal notes applauding me and agreeing with me. A few brave souls dared to agree publicly. As I have gotten to know these women better, I see that this situation really epitomizes who they are. There are some who are always nice. There are some who just don’t care how they treat others. If they say something rude, that is the problem of other people. They have the “right” and the “freedom” to act as they choose, and it shows in their parenting and parenting advice. That isn’t acceptable to me.

On Becoming Childwise operates under the premise that the readers of the book are the sort of parents who want to instill morality and good character traits into their children. When I first read that over a year ago, I thought, “Of course, all parents would want that of their children.” Sadly, that is not the case. I learned that nine months ago.

Childwise points out that without mutual morality, your child might become a bully or a victim. I can easily see this. You can’t expect that other parents are going to be teaching their children right from wrong. You have to teach your child to have character, and you have to teach him to have it in the face of adversity. Often times to stand up for what you believe in means you are standing alone. Very few will have the courage to stand beside you, even when they agree.

Good character is attainable, but you must teach it. I believe children have an innate desire to do good, but they need direction from you to teach them what good is. Whether you intend to or not, you are the greatest influence on your child, both by what you do and what you don’t do. You have the choice and the option to raise good children. And we, who care, must stand strong and valiantly. Perhaps our children can have a positive influence over those children raised by parents who don’t think it is necessary to be moral. Each generation finds it more difficult to stand strong and adhere to the morals taught them. It was harder for us than our parents. It will be harder for our children than was for us. The difficulty seems to be growing exponentially. This only strengthens the urgency that we take an active role to teach morals to our children.

Children have four general capacities. They are found on page 66 of Childwise. They are:

• Children have physical capacities. You must provide food, shelter, clothing and encourage necessary skills for life. We also should teach them how to care for their bodies. Teach them which foods are good for the body. Teach the importance of exercise. Remember, you must lead by example.
  
• Children have intellectual capacities. You must stimulate. You must teach your child. You must teach logic and useful knowledge along with basic skills. It is really easy to go throughout the day and do what I call “surviving.” Get from sunrise to sundown with the fewest number of difficulties and conflicts. This is especially easy to do with a child who has been raised on principles of Babywise. They are good kids who generally stay out of trouble. Mom could busy herself with housework or hobbies while the kids entertain themselves. It isn’t enough to simply survive a day. We must be actively engaged in teaching our children. On Becoming Preschoolwise offers many ideas for doing this. Simple structure and routine can help you ensure your child receives the needed intellectual stimulation.
  
• Children have emotional capacities. Nurture your child’s emotional well-being. You must help your children to monitor and control emotions. We all get mad. But we work to not get mad. We try to control our tempers. We take control of our emotions. My in-laws were very good at instilling morality into their children. Brayden (my son who is 3) has a short fuse. He can go from frustrated to mad almost immediately. If he is trying to do something and doesn’t get it perfectly the first time (he is a perfectionist), he would throw the item across the room. I have worked with him on this from the age of 12 months when it first cropped up. He is much, much better about it now. I can’t even remember the last time he threw something in anger. My husband tells me he was the same way. He tells me he still works with it. The amazing thing is that I have never seen his temper. He has never even raised his voice to me. He has amazing control over his emotions. We can control our emotions, and our children can also. We also want to teach our children how to control displays of positive emotion as well.
  
• Children have moral capacities. Teach your child to internalize virtues that reflect your values and the values of society. Yes, the values of society get more fuzzy as the years pass by, but there are basic societal morals.

We must give time and attention to each of these facets. Ezzo and Buckman point out that you don’t want a smart child who cheats. I remember in high school I had a friend who was really smart. She had a perfect grade point average. We were in Chemistry together our sophomore year. She stressed over maintaining her perfect grades. In order to maintain it, she cheated. She ended up being valedictorian. Now, I am one who would have been considered smart (and I hope I still am), but I did not cheat. Yes, it was frustrating to see someone be rewarded for cheating, but I honestly felt sad for her more than anything. I went on to college where I continued to work hard and not cheat. College was not that difficult for me because I knew how to work for my knowledge. I graduated with almost a perfect grade point average, above a 3.9. I was named most outstanding graduate. My name is hanging on a plaque in my department to this day. It all paid off in the end. 

There is one of these capacities that requires more priority, or first priority. That is moral training. “Moral training provides the objectivity needed for emotions to function freely without overpowering the child” (page 68). When you train morally the right way, you can have a child who is emotionally balanced, intellectually assertive, and morally sensible. Our society needs as many of these people as we can get!

Teach your children to do unto others as they want done unto them. To do this, you must yourself behave this way. You must treat others with kindness. You must be honest. If you don’t get charged enough money for something, you go back and pay for it. Almost two years ago, my sister-in-law and I got up early and went shopping the day after Thanksgiving. We went to a store where we quickly got our items and got in line. We then spent the next 3 hours in line, waiting for our turn to check out. If you do your math correctly, you will realize I was pregnant with my second child, Kaitlyn. My back hurt. My everything hurt. When we finally got out to the car, we realized they didn’t charge us enough for one of the movies we bought. With a sigh we went back into the store and spent another hour trying to pay back the correct amount. Needless to say, I have not shopped at that store since, but I knew what was right and I did it, though I admittedly could have done it more cheerfully .

We teach our children that other people matter. Their feelings matter. Their possessions matter. Ask your child if he wants to be treated the way he just treated someone. Think back to when you have served others. Do you feel better about yourself? I know a woman who served others in her lonliest hour. When her mother died, she made bread. She made a lot of bread and delivered it to her neighbors. She felt so much better. She had served others.

Take advantage of your child’s young years. I believe the first 8 years of your child’s life provide you with an opportunity to train that you will never again have. Teach and train your children while you are still “cool”—while you are still the center of their universe and have an influence over their every action. You child is like a young sapling in the preschool years. You can direct his growth. Don’t wait until he is a strong tree—you can’t move him then. It takes work, it takes effort, but you can do it and it is certainly worth it.

My Blog: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/

Question:

“We’ve been trying to encourage our 18 month old daughter to use a cup at meal times but she just doesn’t seem interested.  And then no sooner does she get down from her high chair, she wants her bottle.  When will she be ready to give up the bottles?”

Answer:

If given a choice, there are some one or two year olds who would never give up their bottle   after all, it’s convenient and comforting.  Drinking from a cup at 18 months is an age appropriate skill and we will assume that your daughter has the skill but prefers the bottle.

Could the question actually be “When will Dad & Mom determine that it’s time to put the bottle away and go fully to the sippy cup?” To help provide an answer to that question, one thing to keep in mind is that at this age, your toddler is receiving or should be receiving most of her nutrition from solid foods.  So, instead of formula or milk being the primary source of nutrition, make sure she has a well balanced diet, vegetables, fruits,  proteins, fats – at this age a toddler’s dairy needs include  three ½ – 1 cup servings of either milk, cheese,  yogurt. That is equivalent to 4 to 8 oz per serving.  By the way, those 3 servings of dairy don’t even need to be in the form of milk.  For instance, if you find that she prefers drinking water from a cup, and is getting the fluids she needs each day from water, she can receive her dairy servings from a couple of ounces of yogurt or cheese. Babywise Book II has a great chapter on the whole subject of mealtimes, so be sure to review that too.

• So first of all, as long as she is allowed to fill up on milk from a bottle, she’s not going to be all that anxious to finish up other things on her plate.  So by just eliminating the bottle and offering a cup of milk WITH her meals (not before), she’ll soon begin to take in more of the solids.  Then no milk between meals.  If you want to let her have a small cup of milk as a snack just before bed, that would be fine.
• If you are concerned that she’s not getting enough liquids, have a sippy cup or sport bottle of water available to her throughout the day.  It’s fine to encourage her to drink water at any time.
• Ask your medical practitioner how many ounces of liquids and solids your daughter needs for good health.  As parents, many of us tend to offer way more food to our children than they really need.  Also, don’t be surprised by this age to find she eats more at some meal times over others.  For example, she may devour her breakfast and even ask for more, then barely pick at her lunch and than have a better appetite for dinner. Each child is different, if healthy choices are offered at each meal and she eats most of the food, you see she is growing well, and developmentally where she should be – then don’t worry about the lighter meals.

Another personal suggestion: none of my kids did all that well with a sippy cup at first, but they really liked using a straw, once they figured out that something came out of it! So you might try that. If you have one who really balks at the sippy cup and it isn’t something that you view as worth battling over, Playtex has a cup called the “Quickstraw” that is great. We still have some around the house that are over 9 years old and continue to work perfectly.  Of course, there are probably other brands out there as well, Quickstraw just happens to be the one we used.

I attended a church conference this past April and one talk really stood out to me –and stood out to all mothers I talked to. It was presented by one of our church Elders, M. Russell Ballard and I wish to share some highlights from his message entitled Daughters of God.

“While women live in homes under many different circumstances—married, single, widowed, or divorced, some with children and some without—all are beloved of God, and He has a plan for His righteous daughters to receive the highest blessings of eternity.”

“… I surely know that there is no role in life more essential and more eternal than that of motherhood.”

“There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family.”

“I am impressed by countless mothers who have learned how important it is to focus on the things that can only be done in a particular season of life. If a child lives with parents for 18 or 19 years, that span is only one-fourth of a parent’s life. And the most formative time of all, the early years in a child’s life, represents less than one-tenth of a parent’s normal life. It is crucial to focus on our children for the short time we have them with us and to seek, with the help of the Lord, to teach them all we can before they leave our homes. This eternally important work falls to mothers and fathers as equal partners. I am grateful that today many fathers are more involved in the lives of their children. But I believe that the instincts and the intense nurturing involvement of mothers with their children will always be a major key to their well-being.”

“We need to remember that the full commitment of motherhood and of putting children first can be difficult. Through my own four-generation experience in our family, and through discussions with mothers of young children throughout the Church, I know something of a mother’s emotions that accompany her commitment to be at home with young children. There are moments of great joy and incredible fulfillment, but there are also moments of a sense of inadequacy, monotony, and frustration. Mothers may feel they receive little or no appreciation for the choice they have made. Sometimes even husbands seem to have no idea of the demands upon their wives.”

“We want you to be happy and successful in your families and to have the validation and support you need and deserve. So today, let me ask and briefly answer four questions. While my answers may seem extremely simple, if the simple things are being tended to, a mother’s life can be most rewarding.”

QUESTION 1: What can you do, as a young mother, to reduce the pressure and enjoy your family more?

• First, recognize that the joy of motherhood comes in moments. There will be hard times and frustrating times. But amid the challenges, there are shining moments of joy and satisfaction. Author Anna Quindlen reminds us not to rush past the fleeting moments. She said: “The biggest mistake I made [as a parent] is the one that most of us make. . . . I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of [my three children] sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages six, four, and one. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less”(Loud and Clear [2004], 10–11).
• Second, don’t overschedule yourselves or your children. We live in a world that is filled with options. If we are not careful, we will find every minute jammed with social events, classes, exercise time, book clubs, scrapbooking, Church callings, music, sports, the Internet, and our favorite TV shows. One mother told me of a time that her children had 29 scheduled commitments every week: music lessons, Scouts, dance, Little League, day camps, soccer, art, and so forth. She felt like a taxi driver. Finally, she called a family meeting and announced, “Something has to go; we have no time to ourselves and no time for each other.” Families need unstructured time when relationships can deepen and real parenting can take place. Take time to listen, to laugh, and to play together.
• Third, even as you try to cut out the extra commitments, sisters, find some time for yourself to cultivate your gifts and interests. Pick one or two things that you would like to learn or do that will enrich your life, and make time for them. Water cannot be drawn from an empty well, and if you are not setting aside a little time for what replenishes you, you will have less and less to give to others, even to your children. Avoid any kind of substance abuse, mistakenly thinking that it will help you accomplish more. And don’t allow yourself to be caught up in the time-wasting, mind-numbing things like television soap operas or surfing the Internet. Turn to the Lord in faith, and you will know what to do and how to do it.
• Fourth, pray, study, and teach the gospel. Pray deeply about your children and about your role as a mother. Parents can offer a unique and wonderful kind of prayer because they are praying to the Eternal Parent of us all. There is great power in a prayer that essentially says, “We are steward-parents over Thy children, Father; please help us to raise them as Thou wouldst want them raised.”

QUESTION 2: What more can a husband do to support his wife, the mother of their children?

• First, show extra appreciation and give more validation for what your wife does every day. Notice things and say thank you—often. Schedule some evenings together, just the two of you.
• Second, have a regular time to talk with your wife about each child’s needs and what you can do to help.
• Third, give your wife a “day away” now and then. Just take over the household and give your wife a break from her daily responsibilities. Taking over for a while will greatly enhance your appreciation of what your wife does.
• Fourth, come home from work and take an active role with your family. Don’t put work, friends, or sports ahead of listening to, playing with, and teaching your children.

This is a summary of the talk. All “bold” have been added by me, as well as the bullets.

I hope these words can offer you comfort and ideas for improving your happiness in your mothering. I have long recognized that one of the biggest challenges of life is to be content with where you are. “The grass is always greener on the other side.” When Brayden (my oldest, now 3) was a baby, I would always think things like, “once he is sleeping through the night, things will be good” “once he is crawling, we will all be much happier” (he was extremely active) and “once he is walking, it will be much easier.” While all of those things were true, I was looking to the future too much and therefore missing the present. Each stage of your child’s life has its perks and its difficulties. Some stages are easier than others in general, but none is without its challenges. One I learned to truly be happy with where Brayden was, I was much happier.

I am personally not a huge fan of the newborn stage. I know for some that is their favorite. Not me. I am more of a toddler person. I love the fun of toddlerhood. I love it once the baby reaches one year old. With Kaitlyn (now 15 months), I really strived to enjoy her newborn months. Newborns are cuddly and so small. They don’t talk back. They are comparatively easy to make happy. Those first smiles and giggles fill your heart to overflowing. I truly enjoyed those sweet newborn moments; however, I can still see room for improvement in my heart. When we have our third child, I will strive enjoy those tender moments even more.

There are always things to get done. You will always have projects and chores waiting for you. There are countless jobs that are never truly done. Cleaning can always be done more deeply, and once you get it cleaned to perfection it takes a matter of moments for it to start to get dirty again. Remember that while cleanliness is a good thing, your children will remember and care more about the memories made with you than how clean your house was. Yes, you want it sanitary, but sometimes things can wait. This is a challenge for me. I find myself often putting my children off so I can finish cleaning something. When I seize that moment to play with them, we have such fun, and the dishes always do get done. Enjoy your children and enjoy your position as a mother of your sweet little ones.

Motherhood is hard. Applying Babywise principles to your family can be stressful at times. You worry that you are doing something wrong when your child isn’t “textbook.” You fuss over the schedule. Try to relax. Remember that your schedule is to serve you and your family. I always tell moms to work on things, but don’t let it consume you. Don’t put so much stock in how many hours straight your 14 week old is sleeping in the night. Work on things always, but also accept where things are at so that you don’t let these precious moments pass you by. Through these simple words of counsel as shared by Elder Ballard, you can enjoy your time with your children and get the most out of these years you have with them. Take care of yourself. Take care of your family. Enjoy each moment. Focus on the things that can’t afford to be put off. Prioritize your goals each day.

As I look over this counsel, I see how easy it is to apply it because of the principles of Babywise. Independent playtime can help give you time to do things around the house, and also to follow your own hobbies and interests. Knowing the schedule of your children gives mom the opportunity to leave the house and not stress about the state of her children—as much J (sorry Dads, but we often take some time to chill out, no matter how much we trust you). Couch time offers mom and dad a time to talk about the needs of the children each day. You can enjoy motherhood. To talk to moms whose children are all grown and gone, they always counsel to enjoy your children because before you know it, they are grown and gone. Let’s learn from these women and receive full joy from our position as mothers.

http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/

I work as a dental hygienist two days a week which means my two and half year old daughter, Isabelle, is at my mother-in-law’s one day a week and spends one special day with her Daddy. I was asked to share my thoughts on retraining after a caregiver has been with my child. In my case this is one full day a week and the occasional trip my husband and I take. In addition my sister-in-law babysits most weeks for our date night and small group meeting from church.

Caregivers vary alot in their approach to discipline. Many are open to parents suggestions and are willing to continue your training efforts to the benefit of their own positive success. My first recommendation is to find such a caregiver whenever possible. Keep communication lines open with regular reminders of what skills you are currently working on and how. Remember to keep it short!

Family members can be excellent caregivers because they will love your child more, however this sometimes translates to spoiling. We have learned to value the relationships that our family has with Isabelle and have determined any retraining that is necessary to be worth the time our daughter spends with family, especially those who love the Lord and are living a life of example.

Our “how to” on retraining is two fold. First we are careful to communicate to our family about our training and let them know how they can support us. We know their resolve may not be the same as ours and that’s ok. Second, we are diligent in our training both the day before and after her time away from us, to reinforce our expectations and direction.

Lastly, we cover our daughter in prayer for her self-control development, so she may grow up to become a light for Jesus.

Last thoughts- my Mom ran an in home day care while I lived at home as a teenager and there are many little things I learned. Such as the little girl who walked for the first time, but the strict instructions I received to not tell her Mom that she walked in our home first. And the little boy who spoke in our home because my mother required him to, but wouldn’t say a thing to his own Mom as she allowed his pacifier to stay. And the child who had clearly recovered completely from his “boo-boo” and was playing quietly, but broke into full tears over it when his Mom appeared on the scene.

As I reflected on these times with my Mom we came to a conclusion that I also see in my own life. Children are brilliant and they know the expectations that are present in every care giving environment.

I will note that it seems to me that sometimes we take two steps forward in training and then the day I work its one step back. However, the reason maybe that days when I work MY parental resolve isn’t as strong as it should be. I’ve found its hard to find the energy to correct a child you haven’t seen all day and just want to love on.

Even if you don’t work outside the home there will be times we all need to spend away from our children. Be encouraged that the expectations and training you have done will not disappear, however you may just have to work a little harder to reestablish them upon your return. I believe children become stronger for the challenge.

Okay – ‘dinner with the Ezzo’s’

Yes, you read that title correctly, my husband and I were recently invited for dinner to the Ezzo’s home, with clear instructions to please bring our 2 1/2 yr old daughter, Isabelle. We are so privileged to have Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo living near us, and we have been even more honored to have them teach us some of their curriculum in our home.

Ok, my first thought after receiving the invitation was to procrastinate setting a date for at least two weeks (we’re really busy people using that time to train like a mad Momma to make Isabelle perfect. Then I realized how silly that was, Mommy won’t be perfect in two weeks …so against my first instinct, I chose: one night away.

The next day we vamped up our training. I hadn’t begun using the interrupt courtesy [rule] with her yet, mainly because we are still working on so much I had just put that on the back burner for a while. Not sure what possessed me, but thought certainly Isabelle could master learning the process in one day! Amazingly enough during our training time that day she did it beautiful!. She was even able to explain both the process and why to Daddy. Going good.

Next training activity: table time, coloring after dinner at the table to allow us to sit and talk. We have done this occasionally in our home so not new but something to work on. She aced it!

Finally, discussion and practice of how to greet and talk to the Ezzo’s. Perfection may not be that unreasonable after all.

So feelin’ good, we loaded the car the following night and were on our way. Isabelle was well-rested, had a snack, and even said she was excited about going to dinner at the Ezzo’s.

When we arrived Mrs. Ezzo greeted us and Isabelle did well. We then met their sweet dog Missy and Isabelle gave the dog a treat she had brought. All still going well. Next, Mr. Ezzo greeted us and gave us a tour of their garden-which was amazing!

When Isabelle was called, she paused; giving her my best “look”, she immediately responded with: “Yes, Mommy coming” causing her Momma to beam with pride. Just as I was beginning to feel a little prideful…

It was time for dinner and things rapidly ‘went south’; Isabelle interrupted too much and about halfway through dinner gave a loud scream. I assumed out of frustration, since she had been trying to get my attention and I was not responding quick enough to her liking. Fortunately, we were able to help her to reel in her emotions and she even apologized appropriately.

During our social time after dinner, Isabelle was excused from the table and given books to look at. She actually decided she didn’t want to sit and read instead, she decided her little hands would like to touch things that “are a No”!

So what did I learn as Mommy?

• First – although we frequently have dinner time at home we discovered we don’t practice enough ‘sitting’ without the conversation rotating around Isabelle. With just one child it’s very easy for dinner to be short and sweet. Even at grandma’s when there are more people around the table, Isabelle is the star.
• Second, as Isabelle has become older, the boundaries in our home have also expanded. What I realized when visiting in someone else’s home, be it the Ezzo’s or yours, given Isabelle’s age and as her parents we should have worked on setting boundaries shortly after our arrival.
• Third, I should have excused myself from the after dinner conversation and provided eye to eye instruction.
• Finally, Anne Marie e-mailed me after our visit, “It was fun having the Wood family over for dinner – Isabelle did very well and we can tell you guys are ‘working on it’ Keep up the good work – it is a process.”Such encouraging words in spite of what seemed to me like a failure of an evening in may ways. Currently I am listening to a “Mom’s Notes” providing the reminder to keep my expectations in check while continuing to “work on it!” My prayer for us all during this season of parenting is to find that happy medium of motivation and patience, especially during those times we may be experiencing frustration and yes even a little embarrassment when all is not going as planned.