Lack of self-control is what two year olds are famous for. Commonly called the terrible twos, I really had no idea during the extra sweet baby time period what could possibly be so bad. Of course around 18 months we saw the beginning and now at 2 and half we routinely are working on impulse control. Many have even told me that three’s are even worse!

I think I was under the impression at some point that taking parenting classes would make my child instantly well-behaved. Its my choleric personality that drives me slightly crazy. SO what’s a Mommy to do?

What I have now come to understand (and accept!) is that the tools I learned in GKGW are to be practiced for long time periods before results are routine for children. Here’s the positive side-you will see results at some point if you are consistent in your training. Remember, begin as you mean to go.

Self-control training has been a three fold process for us. First we train in times of non-conflict by practicing “Sit time” where she sits quietly for two minutes with hands and feet crossed, ideally looking at her hands. This is practice for times when sitting still is necessary but also it has become a point of reference, essentially so she understands what we are looking for when we ask her to “fold her hands and get self-control” in public. This practice can be started in small increments of 30 seconds with a digital timer, and work up slowly.

Now I have to admit “sit time” when first explained to me sounded both impossible for a 2 yr old to do, and a little like torture (that’s the sanguine me). But I tried it anyway and have found the practice to be rewarding in real life. Be flexible and know that this is not a punishment but rather a happy mommy training time. Some days don’t go as well as others and that’s OK. Think, that wedding ceremony your child needs to sit through quietly. Or that family birthday dinner that’s gone a little too long.

Second, there are times I am able to anticipate an emotional outburst and shorten or stop it by asking her to get self-control. If I catch it fast enough she can occasionally reel herself back in. This practice helps children to recognize themselves losing control of their emotions but catch it and see how an alternative response is praised by Mom and Dad.

Third, there are the uncontrollable meltdowns we have come to know and love, and/or defiance and refusal to obey. These call for removal of my child from the situation, and isolation. Commonly called a “time-out” by popular culture we use these to help a child to release their emotions and then practice gaining self-control on their own.

Babies can be placed in a crib or playpen without play items, and a timer set for a short time period. Verbal instruction on the expectation to calm down and get self-control is given on the way to isolation. When the timer rings check on the child, possibly console and discuss why the isolation happened. If the child has not gained self-control or refuses to do so, another round may be needed.

Older children can be isolated to a designated spot in the home away from the family, and instructed that they can return to the family when they are “happy”. Apology and love are also required to whomever the emotional outburst was directed.

Finally, lots of love and praise for catching my daughter when she exhibits out of the ordinary self-control has been particularly rewarding for our family. Happy training Mommies everywhere!

Our son Brayden recently turned three. Before he did, I of course read On Becoming Childwise. While I was reading it, one section really jumped out to me for him. It was the section about providing the “why” of your moral training to your child (starting on page 79). I especially like the thoughts about teaching your child we do things because that shows love.

The Golden Rule. Treat others how you would want to be treated. My minor in college was speech communications. Through those studies, I learned of another rule: the platinum rule. This rule states that you treat others how they want to be treated. This is an excellent way of treating people. Anyone who is married can attest to the fact that two people do not want the same response in every situation. In most cases, for me to treat my husband would want me to treat him is far different from how I would want to be treated.

That is a tangent and above the analytical skills of a three year old. Back to the Golden Rule. I had already introduced this rule to my son. My son can probably be best described as dutiful. I have to be careful of what I tell him because he carries out my instructions as well as he can. He also has a rather large capacity for sympathy and empathy for others. Despite these qualities, we were still having troubles with sharing with his little sister. I don’t want to discredit him. By troubles I mean that I often found myself reminding him that he needed to share. He would then do so. Things were slowly progressing, but I found myself repeating my instructions to him every couple of days. I wanted him to naturally share.

I attempted to reach this goal by saying, “Brayden, do you like it when Kaitlyn shares her toys with you?” He would always respond, “Yes.” Then I would tell him that he needed to share with her so she would want to share with him. He would then hand her a toy. Sometimes I would follow it up with, “Doesn’t that make you feel good to share!” He would kind of nod.

I doubt it really did make him feel good to share because he wasn’t sharing for the right reasons. I was attempting to use the Golden Rule, but I was missing the mark. After reading through Childwise, I came to realize I was trying to motivate him to share by putting forth selfish reasons. I thought those reasons would appeal to a 2.5 year old. Ultimately, I don’t want him to share only to get something in return. I want him to share even if he gets nothing back. I want him to do nice things for others not for the physical reward or the many thanks received, but because it does make him feel good inside. Because being kind and serving others shows our love for others, as well as for the Lord. How was I going to get there?

I got there by emphasizing the love part of it. I read Childwise on a plane while my husband and I took a vacation without the kids. When we got home, I was very excited to put this new idea into practice. The next time Brayden was hesitant to share, I changed my approach. I asked, “Brayden, do you know why we share with Kaitlyn? We share with her because that shows her that we love her. When you share with Kaitlyn, she knows you love her.” That is all I said. I didn’t further lecture and insist that he share. He thought about that for a minute. He then chose a toy and shared with her.

I soon found that I wasn’t repeating myself to share like I had been. Just like that, he began sharing. Yes, we do have our days I remind him the reasons we share, but instead of being every couple of days, it is every couple of weeks. Vast improvement. Soon after I had introduced this new idea to Brayden, we went out to dinner as a family. The waitress brought Brayden an ice cream cone at the end of the meal. He was enjoying it and was soon sharing licks with me and with Kaitlyn. He wasn’t, however, offering any to his Daddy. I quietly whispered to Brayden that he could share some with his Daddy too. He responded that he didn’t want to. Instead of lecturing him that he wasn’t being nice and that if he couldn’t share I would take the cone away, I simply said, “If you were to share a lick with Daddy, that would show him how much you love him.” I left it at that. He was soon passing his Daddy his ice cream cone to share.

Children are loving. They want to be good. They want to show their love. When we put faith into the innate pureness and goodness of children, and show them how they can express that, they far exceed our expectations. Of course they need reminding and further training, but they can do it. They have pure, willing hearts. They aren’t born knowing what is appropriate and how to express different emotions (and what is appropriate varies from family to family and culture to culture), but as we train them, they will likely surprise us on how willing they are to learn, and how quickly they respond to the correct method of training for them.

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Normally I enjoy writing on this blog to share my small parenting successes while practicing the amazing tools taught to us in Growing Kids God’s Way. I also sincerely hope my writing is encouraging to other parents too. However I thought I’d share from a difficult day, for the same purpose, to encourage you.

It’s Monday morning after a busy weekend. I have told you before I am not a morning person. The whining commences immediately, and I began to get frustrated quickly. All the old standby discipline techniques are not even phasing her. Every single part of our routine is greeted with an “I don’t want to”, then crying, next tantrum, discipline, “I’m sorry Mommy”, Do it all again. It was one of those days when I was wishing for the pre-talking time.

It was soon after a forced and seemingly unsuccessful devotion time that God reminded me about something the Ezzo’s had said once. Some days your child will seem to have woken up “with a death wish.” Today she had, and she was prepared to take me down with her.

I was thinking “Why is today so tough?” I thought through the lack of routine and stability the weekend had presented. Family and friends had kept us going and there was probably a little too much fun. Hmm…what she really needs is exactly what she says she doesn’t want.

SO what did I do? I pushed through the routine and eliminated choices. There was whining, crying, and I didn’t see much of a happy heart all day. She continued to stick it to me until the bitter end. But at the end I cuddled her, had her “Look me in the eyes” and told her how much I love her.

Tuesday morning arrives and I do a minute of deep breathing before going in to greet her, and there she is my smiling happy baby has returned-well mostly, she is two ya know!

The older my darling gets the more God teaches me about Himself. I can think of many days when I’ve said “God, I don’t want to”, I’ve cried, whined, and even a thrown a grown up tantrum or two. At the end of every day though when I stop and pray He wraps His arms around me and says I love you. And if you will continue to push through tomorrow will be even better.

Question:

“Our 7 month old has been doing so well with his routine and as On Becoming Babywise II says, he is ready to drop to 2 naps a day. Which is great, but now he has more wake time and what can I do to fill up all that time! It seems we are getting into a pattern of using the same 4 or 5 activities, day after day or I’m beginning to become his chief form of entertainment and not sure this is the direction we should be heading. Do you have some ideas for this age?”

Answer:

When planning wake time activities, and especially when you are working on stretching wake time, it’s helpful to think of the activities in two categories: Self entertainment activities and interactive activities.

Try to plan “baby alone” types of activities for the first half of wake time when baby has just been fed and is well rested. Playpen time is the most obvious, but this is also the best time for trips in the car and walks in the stroller since baby is not as likely to fall asleep which then alters his routine. Then for the second half of wake time, plan more interactive things, like playing with him on the floor or even “reading” a book in your lap. This is also a great time for a bath, and even if you have had playpen time earlier in the day, you can always have it again!

If dinner prep happens to fall in the time that your baby needs more interactive play, try setting him in an infant seat and bringing him into the kitchen with you. When mine were this age, I would do a “cooking show” play by play of what I was doing while I cooked.

Attached below is a list prepared by a mom. It has some great ideas that will actually take you up to age Five!

Activities for Babies

(0-12 Months)

Alone

Pop Up Toys
Mobiles
Swing
Johnny Jump Up
Baby Mirror
Soft Blocks
Toys That Can Be Chewed
Books (Cloth)
Crib Gyms
Infant Seat (To See Things from Different Perspectives)
Bouncy Chair
Rattles or other toys that make sounds

Mom And Baby

Feeding
Rocking
Play Time On Blanket (Mom Helps Baby Develop Skills)
Singing/Eye Contact/Rhymes
Read
Bath Time
Walking

Activities for Toddlers

(18 Months – 2 Years)

Alone

Playtime in Crib/Playpen
Play Center (Theme)
Blanket Time
Magnetic Numbers/
Letters on Refrigerator
Dress Up
Shape Sorting Toys
Limited Free Time
Sit Time with Books
High Chair Toys
Paint with Water
Large piece Puzzles
Nesting/Stacking Toys
Listening Tapes

With Mom

Cooking Time (Real Or Play)
Stamping/Stickers
Rice/Corn Meal Play
Throwing Bean Bags in Container
Reading
Prayer Time [at meals and bedtime]

Outdoor Play all supervised

Walk
Baby Pool
Paint with Water On Patio
Sand Box
Bubbles
Outdoor Toys

Activities For Preschoolers

(2 Years – 5 Years)

Alone

Color
Playdoh
Toys at Table
Stamping
Finger Paint or Paint on paper with water
Peg Boards
Sit Time/Blanket Time
Listening Tapes
Magnet Numbers/Letters On Refrigerator
Water Play at Sink
Books
Computer [limited]
Lego’s
Sticker Books
Puzzles
Chalkboard
Picture Time
Stencils
Room Time
Video time [limited 30 min. per day]
Dress Up
Learning to use a pencil – print letters
Stringing Beads
Lace Cards
Corn Meal/Rice Play
People/Animal Figures
Lincoln Logs
Mini Trampoline

With Mom

Cut With Safety Scissors
Cooking
Reading
Prayer Time
Finger-paint
Games
Crafts
Character Quality Explanation/Stories

Chores (Training)

Watering Plants
Picking up toys on Patio
Sweeping
Putting Silverware Away From Dishwasher
Cleaning Fronts of Appliances
Window Washing
Set Table
Folding Laundry
Dusting
Cleaning Mirrors

Outdoors [*with direct supervision for sure]

Swim *
Chalk
Sand Box
Walking
Shaving Cream on Picnic Table
Gardening *
Water Hose *
Bubbles
Riding/Outdoor Toys
Paint with Water

For a more extensive list, see What Every Child Should Know Along the Way By Gail Martin. It is on sale now at GFI.org.

I had a request on my blog to elaborate on the idea of “Mom, not baby, decides.” I wrote this post and it has been very well received. This is another principle of Babywise that will greatly help you if you can understand it.

In an email Anne Marie Ezzo sent to me a few months ago, she mentioned the idea of “mom, not baby, decides” and pointed out that is true for all parenting philosophies. The mom (or parent or caregiver) is always deciding when the nap will end or start. The philosophies really differ in cues followed and whether or not a schedule is enforced. The mom who gets baby as soon as she makes a peep is deciding when to get the baby up, she has just decided to follow that cue. The mom who lets her newborn sleep 4 straight hours during the daytime, not wanting to wake a sleeping baby, has decided the nap won’t end until baby wakes himself up. Mom always decides.

Sure. But what does that phrase mean in the context of Babywise? Well, it means much of the same. But be sure YOU decide and not let the CLOCK decide. I think parents who follow a schedule can easily fall into the trap of becoming slaves to the clock. Always keep in mind that Babywise is Parent Directed Feeding, not clock directed.

This parent directed idea can and should be applied to all ages of your child. YOU decide whether or not your toddler can have some candy, not the presence or absence of a TANTRUM. Getting this “you” deciding practice down early will make future struggles easier for you.

I can understand parents, especially first time parents, wanting some sort of outline and case-by-case scenario that tells them “if X, then Y.” Yes, that would make parenting easier. It would be more like raising a tree than a human. Now, the steps to raising a tree do vary by the species of the tree as well as your climate, but at that point you can get pretty solid advice on what to do if X happens to your tree. You can tell a problem you see with your tree, ask your neighbor who has lived there for the last 50 years and he can tell you pretty definitely what to do to fix the problem. He doesn’t need to know much more.

Children have environmental factors, just like trees. But they have so much more. They have personalities and tendencies. They have desires and yearnings. And most difficult for the parent, they have agency. They can choose how to act and react! This is a great gift, though many times we wish we could strip our children of their agency. When you add to the mix the parents, things get even more complicated. Parents have personalities and tendencies. They have desires and yearnings. They have agency. Then they have a schema of the world. A parent has been affected by his life experiences: childhood, friendships, schooling, successes, failures, etc.

You can easily see why there can be no “If X, then Y” equation for your children. A book couldn’t possibly be long enough to cover it all. My posts on this blog alone cover over 300 single spaced, typed pages so far. Then you have the hundreds of pages of questions/answers. All of that is in addition to what is already written in the Babywise books.

This is why “Mom, not baby, decides…” is such a valuable concept for mom. Mom is smart. Yes, you make mistakes. Yes, you have to learn things, and sometimes the hard way, but you are still smart. You can take in all of the factors. You combine these variables and analyze them. You then work to problem solve.

Let’s say baby usually goes down for a nap at 9:30 AM. But then baby starts showing her usual sleep cues at 9:15. What do you do? If you were the “if X then Y” mom, you would for sure keep her up until 9:30. If baby really needed to go down at 9:15, then baby would wake up early from the nap and you would be left looking for the next “Y” to solve the current “X.” But this “X” could have been avoided. For the PDF mom, she thinks. Did baby wake up early this morning? Did baby have a rough night? Is baby teething or sick? Did baby go to bed early last night? Did baby miss a nap yesterday? Or simply, was that really the sleep cue? You decide to put her down right away. She sleeps her normal nap length, though she does wake up 15 minutes earlier than usual since she went down early. No big deal. That is better than an hour and 15 minutes earlier.

So mom decides. Mom looks at the variables and decides what to do. She isn’t governed by outside forces, but rather cues, knowledge, and experience. Does that mean mom is perfect and gets it right every time? No. We all make mistakes. We misjudge. We then chalk that up to our experience list and move forward.

“Mom, not baby, decides” works well because mom is better able to analyze the situation than baby. Mom has more experience and more intelligence. Mom can see the big picture. Mom has better goals in mind. Toddler doesn’t get candy because eating a full, nutritious dinner is important to the health and happiness of Toddler, and dinner is 30 minutes away. Candy can be considered after dinner, perhaps as dessert. Newborn Baby wants to go right to sleep after eating, but mom knows having some waketime will actually help him to nap better and longer. That will ensure he stays on his feeding schedule better. So mom works and works to keep newborn baby up for some playtime. It is exhausting for mom and baby, but mom looks past the moment and toward higher goals in the future. Mom doesn’t give in to the tantrum because she knows that will make future tantrums better. She also knows child needs to learn to experience disappointments. Child needs to know that a fit isn’t going to get him what he wants. She knows that giving in to the fit now will only make future behavior worse, not only tantrums.

So keep deciding. Of course as your child grows, he earns freedoms. But that is you decided if and when to allow freedoms. It is you watching the use of those freedoms and making sure he really can handle the privilege and opportunity.