We all had those dreams about what kind of parents we were going to be when we had children. I say, “had those dreams,” past tense, because those dreams usually begin to fade as the reality of parenthood takes over. We were going to be calm, loving, compassionate, full of wisdom, never utter a careless or unkind word, and certainly never be in a hurry. Most of us also had dreams about what kind of children we would have: sweet, well mannered, intelligent, obedient, cheerful, never selfish, or rude, or LOUD, or messy.

When we had our first child, I was 29 and my husband was 40. I must admit I thought this parenting business was going to be a breeze. After all, I was no youngster by now, and having grown up in a large family of 5 girls I had plenty of experience with younger siblings; my husband, Tom and I both had college degrees, and we just knew that we were well equipped to handle whatever challenges parenting might bring.

The Lord has many ways to teach us humility, and I believe that parenting is one of His favorites. Within five years, we had three small children, and in retrospect, I can honestly say that I did just about everything wrong those first five years. My husband had a better grasp on the situation than I did, but I was unable (or unwilling) to see his wisdom at that time, and I seldom took his advice or followed his recommendations. Because we did not agree on just about anything that had to do with the children, the kids capitalized on our lack of unity, and things went from bad to worse. Chaos reigned, and we had whiny, demanding, self-centered, “high-maintenance” children to show for it. Dinner was seldom on the table at a reasonable hour, bedtimes were sporadic, and children’s videos and preschool provided my only moments of respite from our demanding children.

I tell you all of this to let you know that creating a peaceful home did not come naturally to me. Some people are naturally structured. I had to learn the hard way. As the three children and my many other responsibilities got harder and harder to manage, I began to sink into depression. At that time the realization finally hit me that I wasn’t just “playing mother,” I WAS a mother! The hard reality was that for good or for ill, these three little eternal souls were going to be shaped by the example set by me and by their father, and that I HAD to do a better job than I was doing of managing my home and my children.

As I began to cry out for help, the Lord provided several tools to help us begin to get our family under control. One of these was an a Growing Kids God’s Way course, which began to bring unity to our marriage, and helped us to see the importance of training our children’s hearts to obedience. Another tool was this idea of structure and routine. After a few short months of putting these principles into practice, the difference in our home was nothing short of miraculous. There was a peace, a sense of order, and yes, a joy that I would not have believed possible a short time before.

Visit Tom and Evangeline Reed’s web site a Ezzotruth.com.

Mondays are normally our “get back to the routine” day, but this Monday I was feeling especially sanguine and let the day just be fun. Why? you say after all the discussion of the merit of routine would I do this? Because this Monday was my birthday, everyone else was working, and I was feeling especially old because I’m turning 33- Why does 33 seem old to me?

When I was 10 yrs old I told my entire 3rd grade class how my Mom was too old to be having a baby at 33.

Here I am at 33 with a two year old! Funny how it all comes around.

It all started with breakfast in bed (thanks Daddy!). Isabelle thought this was very cool, then outside to watch the garbage truck which turned into playing with the hose as we washed the recycle bins and garbage can together, this was also very fun because we were still in pj’s and got soaked!

Isabelle asked to play in the backyard (in just her diaper now) to which I replied, “for just a few moments” and she said, “Mommy, get the bell.” I am telling you those kitchen timers are like magic to toddlers!

Once clean and dressed, off to Target and then to Chic-Fil-A, my favorite fast food, but I rarely indulge in as of late. In our local Chic-Fil-A the indoor play area is just a tad too big for Isabelle. She can get in but getting out…the last time I ventured to Chic-Fil-A due to invitation from a Mom friend I almost had a chlosterphobic attack inside the tube slide as 5 older children all slid on top of me as I guarded my sweet baby and eased her out.

So we ate and she begged to go play…I explained the rules that if she goes up she must get out by herself, as I reflected back and broke into a sweat. She agreed and was off. Moments later an older little girl obviously noticing my anxiety over the situation informed me that there were “mean boys” inside. I politely asked her to go up and check on Isabelle, she agreed ….but was easily distracted and gone before making good on the deal.

It was one of those “why did I think this was a good idea” moments. I searched the holes but no sign of her. I paced and thought about going in-you need to know I am 5′8″ and wear at least Large size clothes. This was not something I wanted to do. I rationalized I would hear crying if she were upset.

I prayed, and what I thought to be the “mean boys” came out and back through a few times. Finally I called up the tube slide “Isabelle”, and there it was, the reminder of why I have a routine and do training, the most beautiful 3 little sing song words.

“Yes Mommy coming” (Praise you God!)

Next I saw her cute little shoes scooting down the slide slowly but surely, next her ballerina skirt (its my birthday so I dress her extra cute) and finally her smiling face. Of course tons of Mommy praise followed!

You see we’ve been working on this for some time now, but today was the first public and prompt response I’ve received. And it was right before naptime!

We left Chic-Fil-A with no debate but a little talk of coming again (at least another 3 months from now!) Off to a long nap for her and I set out to clean out my garage and spray it with the pressure washer because choleric Connie simply had had enough of all this and needed to get something done. The pollen has been driving me crazy.

Tonite when I was cuddling and talking with Isabelle she told me “I had good day” - I had to agree
Happy Birthday to Me!

In conclusion of our series on “Structure and Routine”, I want to share some practical tips and things to consider when just starting a schedule. These tips may also be helpful for those who already have a schedule or routine in place.

First let’s define some terms!

Schedule: “A list of times of recurring events, projected operations, a time table”

Routine: “A group of regularly performed specific activities” In other words, if you always do the same thing in the same order it is a routine.

Here are my tips:

• Pray and ask for guidance. “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.” James 1:5-6
• Start small, especially if having a schedule is new to you! Consider even starting with half a day and implement that first. Begin by writing down those “non negotiables” (like meals, naps, couch time, etc) and go from there.
• Don’t try and take someone else’s schedule and make it fit you. Everyone is unique and chances are their schedule just won’t fit YOU. How exasperating! Use sample schedules for activity ideas and to find a format that works for you (IE. blocks, lists, or even an order of activities without times written beside everything).
• Spend some time doing your “homework”. Make record of how you spend your time for a couple of days. Most importantly, time how long activities/chores take so you have a realistic idea and can plan accordingly in your schedule. Otherwise you’ll be frustrated trying to fit too much into time blocks and even into your day as a whole–We only have 24 hours in a day!
• If you feel like you are “running to catch up” to the next thing in your schedule, then it’s likely that you haven’t scheduled enough time for each activity. This is where doing your homework (point above) is so essential!
• You can plan a time for going out into your schedule for a certain time and day. I try to do the most important training first thing in the morning (like quiet time with God, sit time, and First Time Obedience practice) when my children are at their best. This also helps when I need to go out. We can plan for going out later in the morning after this training time.
• The way I handle an unexpected outing is when we come home, we start where ever we are at in our routine rather than trying to “make up” and cram in what we missed while we were out.
• I’ve found that sometimes a schedule ’seems’ not to work when in actuality it is my own self-control that is the issue. It takes a lot of self-control to walk away from the computer or other tasks (that may not be finished yet) and move on to the next thing that has to be done!
• It can be helpful to have larger blocks of time. These larger blocks give a bit of breathing room rather than feeling like every minute is “scheduled”. Larger blocks of time can be especially helpful for those with a Sanguine or Phlegmatic temperament. You might even consider not having “blocks” at all! My Sanguine friend found blocks to be a huge hang up and found freedom in simply having a list of routines. If you haven’t yet, read Connie’s ideas where she says schedules “are impossible and frustrating” . She has a Sanguine personality.
• Try to resist the urge to get your schedule/routines ‘perfect’ before actually using one! Our children always grow and change as do our family circumstances!

I will close with Proverbs 16:3 “Commit thy works unto the Lord, and thy thoughts shall be established.”

Other related posts in this series:

Structure & Routine Series Introduction

Working Mom and Routine

Routine Ideas Part 2

Routine Ideas Part 3

Routines and Temperaments

Structure and Routine with Special Needs

Structure and Routine with Special Needs Part 2

Structure and Routine - Children in School

I’m Sally Niemer and I represent a mother with children in school. My 6 year old son Ross attends Lowcountry Christian Community School 3 days a week and we home school 2 days a week. My four year old son, Dugger, attends Kid’s Day Out at East Cooper Baptist 2 days a week and is at home 3 days a week.

I am a choleric /sanguine. Choleric is the gentile way of saying that I am a bossy, demanding woman with a to-do list. Unlike Connie’s sanguine side that allows her to be cool, crazy Connie and chuck the schedule for fun occasionally, my choleric/sanguine temperament simply knows that my way is the fun way and I want everyone to have fun doing what I say! I struggle with selfishness. I want what I want, when I want it! (on a side note - I believe that this is also a by-product of the child-centered way I was raised!)

Due to our unique school situation, our schedule varies each day. We have a “get up & out to school day” schedule, a “home school day schedule”, and a “Ross school, Dugger home” schedule. I took a week-by-week planner and scheduled each day accordingly. Actually the skeleton (meaning the morning and evening hours) of our schedule does not vary that much day-by-day, but the middle is different.

A schedule has helped me make sure that the truly important things, the eternal things, the goals of our family are put in first. Otherwise, I would bulldoze over them with all types of other “productive, good, fun things”. We want our children to love Jesus, but what am I doing each day that will foster that relationship?

Having a routine has brought peace to our home and order to our day. It has been freeing to a certain degree for me. I have peace knowing that the huge pile of laundry daunting me from the laundry room will “get done” on Monday, the scheduled laundry day, so I can rest on the Sabbath with my family. In addition, I don’t tend to “boss” all the people around me to “do” everything at once since home management tasks are evenly spread among the family members across the week. I like to move fast…..Although I am really bad about doing the kids’ chores. Like when the dog is whining for food, I sometimes think it is easier to just do it and get the dog to stop than to wait for Ross to do his chore. The schedule reminds me that this is Ross’ job and a chance to teach him responsibility.

A schedule has helped me have realistic expectations. Ever double scheduled yourself? A schedule helps me fit in what is necessary and important first (like quiet time with God, church, sleep for the kids, and regular, healthy meals as a family). It helps me to evaluate what I can do and can not add to my life. Say for example, someone calls me to substitute an aerobic class or chair a service program. I can look at the schedule and easily tell if that would be possible or even best for our family.

A schedule helps keeps me on track. Even though I may wake up at 5:30 or 6 am, I can still be late getting the kids to school because I am trying to get one more thing done…finish the dishes, start one more load of laundry, etc. However, looking at my time slotted schedule helped me to see what was really realistic. You see, I thought that since it takes 10 minutes to get to Seacoast from my house, I can leave at 8:20 for the 8:30 service. There was no wiggle room in my plan- no consideration for loading into the car and walking from the car (with kids you know this can take 10 min for sure!).

There is flexibility in my schedule. A schedule, for us, is more of a guideline than a rule and my schedule is slave to me, not me to the schedule. I cannot go by the clock exactly. It is unrealistic for me! Instead, we have series of routines that we perform in generally the same order. Some days chores take longer than others. Sometimes room time extends a bit longer because I am still working on the computer. I have the freedom to be flexible!

God bless the fruits of your labor in creating and implementing a schedule for your family!

I shared in the previous post about the unique circumstances of our family in dealing with the medical needs of our second son, Caden. Now, I’m going to share how structure and routine has helped our family, specifically in the area of “self-control training.”

One of the biggest blessings in having a schedule is the ability to prioritize and plan accordingly. For example, teaching self-control is a priority in our family. We do this first thing everyday and I know I’ll get to it because I have a time for it in my day. (Of course this only works if I follow the schedule I have!) My older boys practice being able to sit still and quiet for a set amount of time. This is important character training for all children and has been especially helpful with our family’s circumstances.

When we go to various doctors’ appointments we often only get 10-15 minutes of the doctor’s time so we need to give the doctor our undivided attention before he/she is off to the next patient! This is where that self-control training we do at home is able to be used in public. When the doctor comes in my children are able to sit quietly with their hands and feet folded so that my husband and I can get though our list of things to discuss. We have also seen several times where Caden has avoided needing to be sedated for tests because he has self-control and is able to be still enough to allow the doctors and nurses to get through a procedure. What a testimony this has been!

My point is that my boys are only able to show self-control because they have been taught–at home. And the only way they were taught at home is because we WERE at home to do the training. We made it a priority for our family and I planned for it in my schedule knowing the goal that we are working towards and the “WHY” behind it.

Oh yes, I miss going to the Aquarium, Children’s Museum, play dates, park days and you name it…BUT the key lies in balance. While all of these activities may be “good things” for our children they can (in excess) take away from the “best” training opportunities. I encourage you to work on finding that balance! The training of our children takes time, planning, and implementing on our our part but the rewards are great.

Next, I will share some practical “how to’s” for starting and revising a schedule or routine.