“I am thinking of starting a series of posts on the Father’s Mandate.  This would serve as a good refresher for me and provide other dads with some encouragement to keep focus on these priceless duties as a father during stressful times.”

Mrs. Ezzo was very encouraging in her response to this idea. This email exchange took place over two years ago, one thing led to another, life happened, and I did not post the blog series here on GrowingKids.org as planned. In 2011 I launched the DaddyLife.net web site with a podcast and blog. The site is intended to educate parents on technology safety in addition to encouraging, equipping, and challenging men to rise above mediocrity in their marriage and parenting. Rising Above Mediocrity is one of my favorite titles from Mom’s Notes by our good friends and mentors Joey and Carla Link. The title to that particular teaching expresses the result that I hope and pray for as I continue to share with parents through the DaddyLife.net blog and podcast.

I did eventually follow through with my idea to complete a series on The Father’s Mandate. I even stepped it up a notch. In addition to creating blog notes, I also shared my implementation of the Father’s Mandate in an eight part audio podcast series. These eight episodes are available for download for free directly from DaddyLife.net or you can subscribe to the free podcast via iTunes.  Episodes 12-19 include the Father’s Mandate series. Episode 20 of the DaddyLife.net Podcast provides a followup to The Father’s Mandate series. That episode also includes direct links to each of the eight parts from the series as well as a cute interview with my nine year-old son Riley as he shares his favorite holiday traditions.

I would love to hear your feedback about The Father’s Mandate series or the web site in general. You can say hello in the comments section of the DaddyLife.net blog.

Gary & I have been talking about this very thing, well not people driving while talking on their cell phone [afraid we can’t cast that stone] anyway, we try to be careful, but that isn’t the point. It’s the idea that so often young parents begin their journey without a plan and wonder why after less than 2 years thinking … this parenting things is NO FUN. Now admittedly, it isn’t always ‘fun’ … but the idea behind the thought of it not being fun, is really, I can’t manage this child, our life is chaotic, only bit of sanity is when I go to work! Keeping one’s focus is so important and once again Ami has a very unique way of reminding us of that. Enjoy … btw this is taken from her blog Yada2know’s.

Anne Marie

Have you noticed how you can almost always tell when you are driving behind someone who is talking on their cell phone while driving? It’s irritating. They are all over the place and don’t even know it. In fact, I’ve driven with a couple of people who I would consider excellent and skillful drivers – until they answer their phones. Suddenly they don’t know where to turn, their speed varies and they are unaware of the fact that they are now straddling lane lines! There’s no hand available to turn on the blinker so that goes out the window along with reaction times and peripheral vision.

The scariest aspect of this is that they are completely oblivious to their sudden ineptness. They think they are just as capable on the phone as off. They are clueless to the fact that they look like they deserve a blinking bump sticker that screams, “STUDENT DRIVER”!

It makes me wonder how many of us drive through life like this, focused on so many things that we are really focused on nothing at all. We start off headed in the right direction, but then lose our focus and wander through the maze of the tyranny of the urgent.

Each of us needs to decide what our life’s focus is going to be and pursue it with singleness of heart. That doesn’t mean that I don’t do anything but that one thing, but it means that in everything I am called upon to do, my priority shines through. If my singular focus is to pursue an intimate relationship with God, that is my destination and whether I am cleaning the house, caring for a friend, raising my children or loving my husband, my pursuit of God is central and seen in all I do. I would choose to do things in an excellent way and for His glory.

This may mean that some things are cut out of my life, things I may have enjoyed, but would take me in a different direction than my one pursuit. Cutting things out may seem painful, but how much more painful would it be to reach my life’s end and realize I had never reached my destination? I’m not saying we should never give ourselves time to have rest, relaxation and recreation! Our gracious Lord made this world for us to enjoy and rest is part of being able to do our very best at our primary focus.

Nevertheless, there are pressures to do everything in an effort to “have it all.” And there are fleshly pressures that pull us away from what is of paramount importance. We need to learn to let the things of this world fall to the wayside. We need to establish what our primary focus is going to be and build our lives around that instead of letting our lives squeeze out what is most essential to the core of our existence. We need to know where we are going and not let anything deter us. We need to hang up and drive!

“In everything that he undertook in the service of God’s temple and in obedience to the law and the commands, he sought his God and worked wholeheartedly. And so he prospered.” 2 Chronicles 31:21

Permission granted by Tim and Ami Loper of Miracle Books.  Ami also blogs at Yada, Yada, Yada.

On Friday, my husband went to a friend’s house after work, so the kids and I were on our own for dinner and bedtime. I took them out to dinner, and while we were out, I told them that I would need their cooperation since I would be putting them to bed by myself. William looked at me like I had three heads and asked, “How are you going to do that?!”

What makes his comment noteworthy is that not long ago, I put them to bed by myself every night—for six months. My husband was deployed to Afghanistan and just came home in November.

I reminded William of this, and he seemed to remember, but I’m still shocked by his initial reaction. My husband has been home less than four months, which seems like nothing to me, but I suppose in the life of a child, four months is a long time.

But more important is the idea that my kids have bounced back so easily from the deployment. Those six months were definitely a struggle for all of us. We all had times when we missed him terribly. I expected William to have a harder time with it since he’s older and more aware than his brother, but I didn’t expect him to forget about it less than four months later.

The experience tells me that my kids are resilient to any change or difficulty in our lives, and it’s probably because of the stability we have here at home. Despite the change and difficulty that the deployment brought, our family life is very stable.

This circles back to the marriage priority that I have learned from the Ezzo books. Honestly, if I hadn’t been introduced to these books, I never would have thought to make my marriage a priority for the sake of the children. In fact, most parents these days believe they must put the children above all else, including the marriage. Yet, if we make our marriages the priority, we establish firm family stability—for the children.

Feeling Grateful

Ever since I started writing these Tuesday Triumphs, I have become all the more aware of how great my kids are and how meaningful the Ezzos’ books have been to my parenting. Yesterday, when I started contemplating what to write about, I couldn’t really think of much. The troubles we’ve had this week seemed to outweigh the good times. But then I was reminded of this one little comment that William made, and not only did it turn into a whole blog post, but it makes me think about the big picture and validates almost everything I’m doing as a parent.

by Maureen Monfore from Childwise Chat blog

“Whenever I played house, the mother doll had a lot to do. I never knew what to do with the daddy doll, so I had him say “I’m going off to work now” and threw him under the bed.”

It is often the case in a family that the mom is tightly tuned in to the nurturing and the interactions with the children while the dad tends to be more removed…in part simply because of the difference in time spent with the kids.  And this is often even more the case when there is a child with special needs.

We dads really do have more to contribute than a kiss goodbye each day and a toss under the bed!  God has designed for men to be providers for their family, not only materially, but also by way of encouragement and involvement–not like moms involvement, but still very important.

In general, how will a son learn how to be a godly and caring man if he seldom interacts with his dad?  And how will a daughter discern the God-given role of a husband if she never sees it modeled?  Then add to that kids who have extra challenges, and the need for that interaction with the most important man in their lives becomes even more crucial.

My friend Jim Leonard says, “A lot of times the rearview mirror gives a clearer picture than the windshield.”    My wife Beverly and I are in the phase of parenting when we are looking back.  The days of looking forward in terms of raising our kids are over.  And Jim’s comment really applies.  We see more clearly in many ways as we look back.

As I thought about writing this article, I didn’t want to beat up on any dads!  That’s the last thing they need. But what kept coming to my mind is ways that my wife made it easier for me to raise my kids, and specifically my kids who had needs that were special.  Raising these kids is intimidating!  And we need all the help and encouragement we can get.  So let me share a few ways that wives can encourage their husbands to be more involved with their special kids.  (As always, Beverly and I learned these things mostly the hard way, through our mistakes!)

It can really help to step out of the picture and let Dad do something with the kids without you present.  Maybe Dad fixes lunch on Saturdays and watches a video with the kids.  (Meanwhile, you, Mom, are out without anyone to take care of for a few hours, and that is a real refresher for you!)  Or maybe dad takes the kids out to fish.  (We found a place where it’s easy to get around in a wheelchair or walker.)Or you hand off the Walmart list to Dad and he takes the kids to do the shopping.

But there is a very important element to all this.  The wife shouldn’t ask a lot of questions when she gets back with her family like, “What did you eat?  Did you stick to Johnny’s diet restrictions?”  “Did you have warm enough coats on when you were fishing?” “What?! You didn’t have any coats on at all??” “You didn’t let Susie get any toys at Walmart, did you?”

No, the time has to be handed over to Dad with few or no questions asked.  Nothing shreds a dad’s motivation more than getting the third degree every time he tries to get involved with his kids!

Another thing you can do, Moms, to encourage your husband’s involvement is to talk plain and don’t expect him to read your mind!  Don’t assume that what is obvious to you is obvious to your husband.  If you would like him to help in some way, ask him straight out!  Avoid these kinds of thoughts (which I hear from my wife is common in the female mind);  “If he cared it would be plain what he needs to do, and I shouldn’t have to ask him to do it!”

Unfortunately, we are just not as perceptive in some areas as our wives and what is clear to them, never occurs to us.  If you let us know the specific need, we just might step up and engage in a way that brings our strengths and unique contributions to the forefront in helping our kids become all that they can be.  Direct communication like,  “Would you……”  really helps.  With a “would you” question, I know what is needed and I don’t have to read anyone’s mind!

Something that Bev and I have found crucial to both of our motivation in parenting is not to blame hard times on each other.  Life gets complicated, especially when raising kids with more difficult issues than most.  Don’t view your husband as the enemy!  (And he shouldn’t view you that way either.)  When a man senses that his wife is talking to her friends about how he has failed as a husband and a dad, he might withdraw in a way that you may never be able to find him.

Instead, ask for times to communicate and share how you feel.  Don’t judge the success of the communication by the immediate response.  Often times we husbands need longer to be willing to admit we could do something better.  I find it hard to come to grips with the fact that I’m not perfect, even though everyone else figured that out a long time ago.  Many times after there is a little “space” we are willing to admit a need to grow and work out a plan to make progress.

So those are some of the things I see as I look in “the rear view mirror” as a dad.  Hopefully, these things have helped you understand the male mind better, and you can avoid having the daddy doll spend time under the bed!

Mike Linder

www.special-heart.com

Any or all of these factors may contribute to the situation, but allow me to share a contributing factor that isn’t often discussed.

Rickard Louv wrote Last Child In the Woods, which has the most interesting subtitle, Saving Our Kids from Nature-Deficit Disorder. In it, he shares recent studies that have been done concerning the effect of natural surroundings on kids with ADHD.  These studies indicate that kids with ADHD tend to calm down and function better in a natural setting.  Even having a window to look out on “green” and beautiful surroundings helped many of them be more focused and centered.  Here are his thoughts as to why young people did not seem to experience such hyperactive tendencies in the past:

During…most of mankind’s history, energetic boys were particularly prized for their strength, speed, and agility…as recently as the 1950′s, most families still had some kind of agricultural connection.  Many of these children, girls as well as boys, would have been directing their energy and physicality in constructive ways: doing farm chores, bailing hay, splashing in the swimming hole, climbing tress, racing to the sandlot for a game of baseball.  Their unregimented play would have been steeped in nature.

My older son was home schooled most of his life so I can’t tell you if he would be considered ADHD because we never pursued a diagnosis.  I can tell you that during my pregnancy I often said, “I feel like there is a bucking bronco in my stomach!”  And when Ricky was born, I discovered why.  He was a constant charge of uninterrupted energy and nonstop activity.  When he became school-aged, I asked myself, how does one educate such a child?

Lesson one:  a large, open field and a butterfly net.  I remember sitting on a towel and watching my son burrow through the tall grass in pursuit of the yellow “flutter-bys,” as he called them, experiencing the wonder of capturing them a putting them in a peanut butter jar for observation!  We most often let them go, but “school” had happened in that meadow-and at least some of the “wiggles” had been released so that he was more ready to sit for while and do traditional school when we got home.

Do what you are able to provide your child, especially if he or she tends to be hyperactive, with lots of play, chores, and just “hang-out” time outside.  I know that in our society it is becoming increasingly difficult to find those opportunities to spend uninterrupted time in nature.  When that is the case don’t completely give up on bringing nature opportunities into your home.  We once had two hermit crabs that would race on our kitchen floor from the center of a hula-hoop to the outer edge.  The kids would scream and cheer, and just watching released some energy and brought about more of a sense of calm in them.

No matter what manner of challenge your child faces, he or she will benefit from being in touch with God’s creation.

Hyperactive and attention deficit kids do need boundaries, but they also need room to roam, and opportunity to enjoy the environment that God has provided for little bodies to let off steam.  Give them that first, and then work on self-control issues.  I think you find your efforts more successful!

Bev Linder

www.special-heart.com