There is a utopian theory suggesting man­kind can engineer the perfect socialized child. That is a scary thought which usually has a preschool component attached to it. The very nature of children wars against the notion that a formalized preschool expe­rience can gain a child a social advantage that he otherwise could not have obtained. We believe any discussion about socialization must start with the nature of children, specifically, the nature of toddlers. Toddlers are too ego-centric to be placed in an environment filled with other ego-centric children. As we  use the term here, ‘ego-centric’ is not negative but descriptive of  when you put ten toddlers in a room, whose intrinsic world-view is centered on “me, myself and I” you can­not expect them to emerge with a healthy sense of others. Their tiny worldviews of the preciousness of ‘others’ cannot be manipulated nor mature faster than the course of nature allows. Most studies concur with this point of view.

We believe pushing a child into early-formalized socialization works against the child’s developmental age, abilities and interest. Toddlers right up through their third birthday engage in self-play, not cooperative play. Their inclination is to self-focus to the point of turning their backs to the other children and playing by themselves. Socialized play, where there is give-and-take within an activity usually begins around the age of three, rarely before.

Toddlers placed in organized preschool are often negatively impacted by the peer pressure associated with children from homes that do not share the same values as you do. That is because toddlers tend to imitate negative behaviors such as bully­ing, physical aggression, pushing and tak­ing toys from others more easily than they internalize virtuous conduct such as shar­ing, cooperating and being kind, which are non-existent in their peer group. This happens regardless of the wonderful efforts of the teacher.

Do you recall our earlier comments relating to emotions needing reciprocal responses? Toddlers lack the ability to empathize and thus cannot provide the reciprocal affirmation needed. They simply cannot turn off their sense of “me, myself and I” and become other-oriented. This is why over-socialization causes children to become too reliant on receiving approval and affirmation from a peer group, rather than from the steady and unchallenged source they find in their own home.

Parents hoping to give their children an educational advantage must realize that research is fairly consistent when it comes to academic gains. If there are any advantages gained from pushing children into preschool modules, they have a very limited shelf life. When you compare the temporary advantage gained with the offset in emotional and social set-back, you have to ask if sending your child to preschool is best when other options are available.

A better alternative to a formalized preschool setting is scheduling playtimes with other toddlers in your home, or your child in the home of others who come from families of likeminded persuasion. One playmate once or twice a week is plenty for the first couple of years of life. Children fair better socially when they experience pleasant contacts with other children (even on a limited basis), than children in pre­school settings where peer socialization is not always pleasant. The belief that a pre­school experience can help a child become better adjusted through early group social­ization speaks to the power of advertising more than it does to sound principles of social development.

Finally, if you ask any college student if they believe the activities they were involved in as a toddler advanced them in any way, you will likely hear that they can’t even remember them. Too many activi­ties at these tender ages can and will often burn a child out physically, emotionally and possibly neurologically. Your children do not have to be involved in everything! Simplify your life.

Preschools and day-cares provide a neces­sary service to families where both par­ents must work outside the home. In most cases, preschool staffers are dedicated and caring individuals who hold a child’s best interest at heart. We have friends around the country who operate wonderful day-care centers, where love abounds and understanding of unique needs brings satisfaction and a sense of relief to parents who otherwise would choose to be home with their child.

In these cases, the necessity of placing a toddler in an organized educational setting is good because it meets the immediate need of a working couple. It might be a better idea to find a likeminded relative or friends to care for your child in a home setting. Best we believe, finds Mom home with her children. Why do we believe this? Because aside from Dad’s, there is not another pair of hands more perfectly fitted to the heart of your child than your own.

We acknowledge that the ideal is preferable, we also recognize it is not possible in all cases. Thus, we wish to approach the topic of children, socializa­tion, and preschool strictly from a devel­opmental perspective. Our commentary should not be construed as a social state­ment on the rightness or wrongness of preschools. We are writing on this topic because every family is different and the variables of each family will not allow for cookie-cutter solutions when it comes to the necessity of child-care.

At the same time we must work with the reality of each situation. For example, the Mom who works outside the home will face different challenges in parenting at the end of the day than a stay-at-home Mom. Some of her parenting goals will not be achieved quite as fast. But when it comes to who is the ‘better mom’, between the two scenarios, the good news is this: The venue in which your child spends his day, whether at home or at school, is not a true measurement of your parenting.

Remember back to Preparation for Parenting when you were confronted with the breast or bottle-feeding decision? Descriptive terms such as ‘more caring’ or ‘better’ could not be attributed to one over the other in that case. The same is true of working parents. As authors our duty is not to pass judgment on those who have no other option but day-care, rather it is to provide understanding to those who do have an option and to help couples understand that “good” is not “better” and “better” is not “best”. When it comes to socialization, what is best for children when options are available to parents?

“I’m trying to teach my toddler to share but he is very resistant to giving up anything. What can I do?”

As a parent, you will of course encourage your child to share, but you also must realize that sharing is an advanced moral and social skill for a tod­dler because it requires self-sacrifice. Self-sacrifice is not a resident virtue within the nature of toddlers. It is not that your child doesn’t share on occasion, but rather he can­not just turn off his sense of “me, myself and I” and instantly become ‘other-oriented’.

Two-year-olds are more inclined to self-play than they are cooperative play. For example, if you place three two-year-olds in the same room with similar toys, their natural inclination is to self-focus to the point of turning their backs to the other children and play by themselves. Very lit­tle social interaction is going to take place except when one child desires a toy that another is playing with and the first child attempts a ‘hostile takeover’.

The type of socialized play, where there is the give-and-take of sharing, usually begins between age three and four and rarely before. Right now the best thing you can do is to continue to encourage sharing the way you are, but accept the fact that it will be a while before a moral sense of sharing-and-sacrifice begins to have intrin­sic value and meaning to your toddler.

What Parents Should Know

In the early phase of toddler parenting, the concept of “training a toddler” is more dominant than “educating a toddler”. To train is to establish “patterns of behavior”, to educate is to establish “understanding of behavior”. We train toddlers how to act, behave and respond long before they are capable of being educated in the “why” behind their behavior. The process of actually educating a child begins around three years of age. What is the difference between training and educating?

Prior to age three, children do not have the reasoning ability to understand facts relevant to their present circumstances, nor do they care about your factual explana­tions. But your toddler does care about the determination of your resolve. Sometimes, less talk with a toddler is better because trying to offer adult logic and reason to your two-year-old is neither logical nor reasonable. These are little people lacking wisdom and life experiences, not adults. There is a better way.

Think through this example. Your tod­dler whines and you try to enlighten her as to why whining is unacceptable. You tell her that “people don’t like to hear whiny children”, or “if you keep whining, this is what is going to happen to you”. There is a better way.

Use Your Words

During the “training to educating” tran­sition, parents should try to elevate what is right and acceptable rather than what is wrong and unacceptable. When your toddler is asking for something but is not speaking clearly, or is whining or grunting and pointing, direct him or her with this phrase: “Use your words.” “Anna, use your words.” “Brody, use your words.”

“Use your words.” It doesn’t get much easier than that. We have a little twenty-month old friend Sasha, who, when want­ing to be picked up would raise her hands and make some strange, incoherent sounds, even though she actually knew the words ‘up’ and ‘please’. After hearing this con­cept, her parents began to encourage Sasha with the phrase, “Use your words”. Well, by mid-afternoon the next day, according to Mom, Sasha was using her words to com­municate her desires. “Up please” replaced her grunts and finger pointing in the air.

Constantly pointing a child toward what she should do facilitates the educa­tional process faster and better than con­stantly telling a toddler what not to do. This concept will become increasingly more important as we begin future chats relating to the development of your child’s ‘moral warehouse’ and the formation of the conscience, which begins to take shape around age three.

After waking from her afternoon nap, two-year-old Gracie predictably went to her father’s office, nudged him out of his seat and led him to the kitchen where she pointed to the crackers. Dad would oblige Gracie with two or three. When she pointed for more however, Dad would say “No”, and then brace himself for another round of meltdowns. How should Dad (or Mom), handle a challenge like this? Dad doesn’t want to spoil her dinner with snacks, nor go through another meltdown. But neither does he want to disappoint his daughter. Finding the right solution begins by look­ing for the actual cause. Just for a moment, we’ll step away from the world of a toddler and use an adult illustration to make the point.

One morning, Gary informs Anne Marie that he is going to prepare breakfast for both of them. In the kitchen, Gary puts out a couple of bowls for cereal and some milk. He then invites Anne Marie to join him. Gary’s menu selection of cold cereal did not evoke any disappointment from Anne Marie because she had no expecta­tions of what he was going to serve.

Now add this little twist. What if Gary said, “Hon, I’m going downstairs to make you the best breakfast you ever had, with all of your favorite breakfast foods.” Anne Marie eventually joins him in the kitchen only to discover two bowls of cereal and a glass of milk set out for her. The prob­ability is very high that she will experience some disappointment with Gary’s menu (even though she is much too kind to say so). This is because Gary created an expec­tation that was far greater than a bowl of cold cereal.

The point of this comparison is to show the natural link between failed expectations and disappointment. A similar response is also common in children. Gracie had expectations about her snack and her expectation led to disappointment because she was counting on something she did not get. In her little mind she planned the menu and wanted to control the number of crackers at snack time. So when Dad said “No” to extra crackers, disappointment was the natural reaction. What might the solution be? Someone in authority needs to manage Gracie’s expectations.

Instead of Gracie pulling Dad to the kitchen for a 4:00 pm snack, Dad should initiate the snack time with Gracie and not wait for her to come to him after napping. Dad needs to be the one taking Gracie to the kitchen. In this way, he is managing her snack expectations by removing it from her. In fact, when Dad became proactive with this solution, Gracie’s meltdowns ceased even though the fun snack time with Dad continued as normal.

Instead of expectation, you actually end up with the budding virtue of appreciation. We all tend to appreciate favors when we have no expectation. That became the case with Gracie. Here is the general principle — whenever you sense a meltdown com­ing on with your toddler, look first to see if the child has an unrealistic expectation. Is it an expectation that you can manage on his or her behalf? Once you grasp the principle of managing your child’s expec­tations it will become a handy tool for the next several years of your parenting.