Introduction by Anne Marie Ezzo

As 2010 comes to its conclusion and the New Year begins, it is good to be reminded of the fundamentals of family life. And what is more fundamental than the Genesis 2:18 account of creation? It is here that we learn of man’s aloneness and God’s intention to create a suitable helper for him—one he would not rule over like the animals nor worship like God. She will be like man himself, the same but different, created for a purpose. Being in my fourth decade of married life, I continue to grow in my appreciation of what it means to be a ‘suitable helper’. The blending of two people into one does not mean we both do the same thing or always think the same way, but it does require that we recognize the value and contribution that our spouse brings to the relationship. This is not always the easiest thing to do, because the oneness that God desires begins with two flawed people hoping to experience a blemish-free ‘oneness’ of marriage. The article below, shared with us by Valarie Plowman speaks to this point. It provides a timely reminder and a worthy thought to end one year and begin the next.

Blessings,

Anne Marie

Understanding the Marriage Equation

I once heard a teacher at church share that 1+1=1. Huh? Was the teacher really bad a math? No, he was actually talking about the marriage relationship and how we should become unified as ‘one’. This ‘oneness’ is something God commanded in Genesis 2:24 when speaking of the husband and wife relationship. But how can you achieve ‘oneness’ when you have two people, with differing strengths and weaknesses, raised in different families, with different customs, traditions, values, likes and dislikes?

In our early dating, engagement, and even often our early marriage months, we fail to see the flaws of our spouse. As the saying goes, love is blind. Anything we may have noticed, we took that blind eye and turned it. As time starts to pass, once the vows have been said, we start to really see these flaws in a magnified way, and even find ourselves annoyed by silly things involving things like toothpaste and toilet paper.

We start to realize how differently we do even simple, everyday tasks. Hopefully, we will have the maturity to note the ways that are better than ours as well as the ways that are neither better nor worse but simply different. And hopefully, we can recognize that different can be good and can really enhance ourselves and bring us further than we would ever go alone.

This is the amazing part about marriage. When we look at our personal flaws and weaknesses, they often are the very strength of character and available talents present in our partner. I have discovered that my husband’s strengths are a counter-balance to my weaknesses as mine are to his.

Working on personal behavioral flaws might actually be easier than working on personal weaknesses, for the latter speaks of the lack of talent, aptitude, or skill level that our spouse seems to possess in abundance. But this inequity is also served by marriage. For example, my husband is a very ‘outside the box’ thinker, while I am very happy to stay within in the confines of what I am most familiar with. Both ways of thinking can be good. My husband is constantly working on ingenious new ways to solve age-old problems. But even he will admit that there are times when he doesn’t see the time-tested ways are sometimes the best ways of doing things. On the other hand, I can list the five best ways something has been done before, but I tend to miss out on new and innovative ideas because I am so focused on the limitations brought on by traditional thinking.

What is the point of all of this? God has a unique way of allowing the strengths of our soul mates to influence us to the good . . . if we let them. Alone, I am quite incomplete, but as a couple, we move closer to the ‘oneness’ God intended. Thus marriage is what God uses to help bring each other into harmony with His purpose and therefore cause 1+1 to = 1.

While the following article was written regarding children with ‘special needs’, it really applies to us all, both parent and child. I do hope it brings each of you read it the same encouragement the Lord provided me.

Blessings as we “help our kids become all that they were created to be!” bi-line from Special Heart website.

Anne Marie

This is a cry that most parents have heard from each one of their kids at one time or in one form or another.  But this feeling of not belonging is more than a once-in-a-while occurrence for the child who has different challenges than most kids have.  The feeling of being different and alone is often something that our special kids have to live with.

As parents, we want to help all we can, but I know from experience that we can feel completely helpless—the birthday parties that our daughter or son wasn’t invited to, the lonely times on the playground or in the lunchroom, finding oneself alone when everyone else seems to have found his or her “crowd.” So there our child stands or sits—all alone.  And there we stand as a parent—with a broken heart.

There are things we can do to help, such as teaching our kids good grooming, how to make eye contact, how to catch on to the subtle communication and nonverbal cues that make a kid more likely to be accepted, as well as how to show an interest in others.  All these things help and we should do all that we can to assist our kids in being accepted by their peers.

But I realized a long time ago that I couldn’t go around and wave a magic wand and make everyone like and accept my kids!  As parents we can weary ourselves trying to do the impossible.  OR we can work on something better–helping our children be comfortable with who they are no matter what anyone else may think or how they might respond to them.

My son and I recently listened to former president George W. Bush doing interviews with various people about his book that has recently come out.  At one point, George Bush basically said this:  “When my approval rate was at 90%, I didn’t care.  When it was at 30%, I didn’t care either—because chasing after popularity is just a flash that comes and goes.  My goal is just to be who I am and to do the right thing as I see it.”

I saw this as a golden opportunity for discussion!

After Brad and I listened, we talked about how the loyalty and friendships of people can be fickle, and one day people may include you and value your friendship, and the next day they may decide that they don’t want to hang out with you, or even be seen with you.  Our lives and our joy can’t depend on how people are feeling about us at any given moment.

This all really resonated with my son because although people like him well enough, most of his peers and acquaintances just don’t have the patience to include him in any significant way, because it takes a lot of effort and time to make this happen due to his physical disability.  So he finds himself mostly alone.

Brad seemed to find a sense of relief as we talked that although having friends is a good thing, being popular and included is not the necessary ingredient to having a fulfilling and successful life.

And it was not only Brad who was helped by this discussion, but I also thought of the times that I have been rejected, ignored, misunderstood, insulted, and forgotten, often because of our family’s life situation.  These were times I tried to lift my head up high and remind myself that I was OK because, as the bumper sticker used to say, “God don’t make no junk!”  And that’s exactly the message we should instill into the heart of our special child.

Brad and I also talked about others who have faced these kinds of things and how they handled it.  King David was loved by Israel until Absalom (his own son) came and turned everyone’s heart toward himself, and David found himself forsaken and suddenly hated for no good reason. “Absalom stole away the hearts of the people of Israel.”  (See the story in 2 Samuel 15) David felt this rejection deep in his heart, and he “wept” as he fled from those who had turned against him.

It is believed that David wrote Psalm 63 when he was fleeing from his son and those who suddenly hated him.  He gives many telling insights in this psalm about how he endured his plight, such as,

“…in the shadow of your wings I sing for joy.  My soul clings to you.”

Are these thoughts too lofty for kids to grasp?

I asked my husband that question and he said, “I would say yes, except when I try to think about the options, trusting God is really the only thing that works.”   I can always count on Mike for a good pragmatic answer!  And it’s true.  God has made us all, including our kids who have challenges, to find rest and fulfillment in having Him not only as Lord, but as a best friend, one who never changes His mind about us and who never has a bad mood or selfish motive.

Sure, these attitudes won’t happen overnight, for with most kids, the pressure to be “in with the in crowd” is strong.  But keep gently turning your special child’s focus toward the Friend who never stops loving.  If your child has a cognitive challenge, speak truth to her in spite of her challenge.  I believe God can use His Word to touch any and every heart. If your child is on the autism spectrum and seems not to care much about relationships, speak to him about the Friend who wants to help him in everything he does.  Know that there is something in his heart that is hungry for God.

There is a wonderful irony that tends to take place when kids (people) are secure enough to be who they are and not fall apart if people don’t seem to like them.  Suddenly, others are attracted to the person who has confidence even when he or she stands alone, and friendships are much more likely to happen.

Concerning your own broken heart when you see that your child is at times rejected, realize that most of his self esteem comes from home. So he’ll be more than OK if you love him and teach him of God’s love toward him.

Copyright 2010 Bev Linder www.special-heart.com Used with permission.

Once again our friend Pastor Joe shares some words of wisdom, and  a timely reminder for parents regarding the topic of  biblical discipline. As a Dad himself, he speaks from personal application and understanding the struggles every parent  deals with at one time or another. Hope his words will serve as both encouragement and where needed admonishment. Do not grow weary in your well doing Dad & Mom  … in due season.

Blessings,
Anne Marie

Rare is the person that likes to be disciplined.  Rare is the person that likes to discipline.  Yet discipline is necessary for growth and development.  What we recognize and accept in all other areas of our lives, we often struggle with as parents.  We accept the discipline of a coach knowing that his intention is to help the athlete perform better. We accept the discipline in academics knowing that the teachers’ intention is to help us master the required material.  Should we be surprise that even God uses discipline to help his followers grow and develop?  Why then is discipline in parenting such a problem for followers of Christ today?

The Biblical concept of “discipline” is more than just the correction that we often think of.  The apostle Paul gives us a glimpse of the Biblical meaning of discipline in Bible times in a passage on how the Scriptures help us grow.  “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness.” (2 Timothy 3:16) The first truth we must grasp is that discipline is a process.  That is what is communicated in the last phrase “training in righteousness.”  Originally the word used here was synonymous with child training, and specifically used in the time of Paul to describe chastisement.  The context of the passage however reveals that Paul is using this term to describe the ongoing process of discipline that produces growth.  It is in the previous three phrases of this verse that Paul reveals the process.

The first step in the process is “teaching.”  Biblical discipline involves the instruction of what is right and what is wrong.  This is important for a parent to remember that proper instruction precedes right behavior.  All too often our frustration with our child’s behavior problems is because we have not taken the time to teach them.  Let’s remember our kids are not mind readers!  And just as it takes us several times to “get it” the same is true with our child.  One of the best ways to “teach” your children is by giving them the moral reason why.  It is also very helpful to save the “teaching moment” for a time of non-conflict when tempers are cooled and attitudes are teachable.

The next step is the one that is often avoided.  It is the need to “rebuke” wrong.  Just as the Scriptures challenge our misbehavior and wrong beliefs so must the parent.  The term for rebuke speaks of exposing sin, sinful behavior and sinful attitudes.  This step reminds parents that we cannot ignore wrong behavior and attitudes in our children. Often a child will reveal the attitude of their heart with a “puchy” bottom lip, crossed arms, rolling of the eyes, or even sighs of frustration.  A wise parent will address these issues with the appropriate form of correction.  Correction could involve a word of admonition, related consequences (i.e. loss of a privilege), time spent in their room as a warning to change their attitude before they disobey, or even chastisement.  The focus here is not on punishing wrong behavior, but correction with the goal of helping the child get back on track.

The last step in the discipline process is that of “correcting.”  The word literally means “setting up straight again.”  If instruction provides the standard, rebuking addresses the wrong then correction helps get the child back on the right track.  In the parenting process, correction includes repentance, forgiveness and restoration.  This is the place where there is prayer, communication of a parent’s love with a hug, even a brief word of instruction on what is expected and possible restoration of relationships (i.e. asking forgiveness of a wronged sibling) and if necessary restitution.

The Bible reminds us, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11

-Pastor Joe Parkinson

Whether a couple actually has a child with ‘special needs’, we all at one time or another have stressful situations arise that can challenge our marriage relationship. Gary & I have known the Linder’s since the late 1980’s and have watched them, close up as with their daughter Kristie and then from a distance with their two sons. Below is a portion of their story as it relates to marriage. We hope you will be encouraged by their testimony.

Blessings,

Gary & Anne Marie

My husband Mike and I have had three children.  Our daughter Kristie died at age three, our son Brad was born with the same muscle condition as Kristie and has survived many surgeries and lots of “close calls.”  And it hasn’t always been a piece of cake with our so-called “typical”son either!  Yes, we like you, have had our share of amazing parenting times!

And what happens to the blissful couple, who just before the kids arrived, were head-over-heals in love with each other? What happens when reality sets in, especially when it comes to difficult parenting times?  I haven’t found any real reliable source for statistics, but the figure that keeps coming up on Google articles is that the divorce rate for couples who have kids with special issues is about 80 percent.

Mike and I found ourselves at a coffee shop recently (a sign that our kids are growing up and life is not quite as intense as previous years), and decided to write down some thoughts about how we have survived marriage—having come out a bit exhausted, but hanging in there, stronger in our faith, and—believe it or not—still in love after 29 ½ years .

These are little tidbits, and obviously marriage is a lot more complicated than tidbits.  But on the other hand, sometimes simple gestures of kindness and respect can reverse strongholds.  Some of these things we have learned the hard way, and most (really all), we are still working on!

Mike:  Work with what you have been handed. For our family, for example, sledding looked different. Brad wasn’t able to balance on a sled when he was little, so we discovered that he could “sled” with the best of them inside a recycling bin (a kind of plastic box that slides very nicely on snow).   There’s usually a way to make things work, even for kids with limitations.

Once we learned that orthopedic appointments entailed waiting 2 to 4 hours to see the doctor, we would come equipped with plenty of snacks and games. The waiting room became a party room and the scene where the new world’s champion was crowned for winning the most rounds of Crazy Eights.

Critical care units brought us together with others who we could minister to when they also needed it most.

When we have had to travel for surgery, getting there a couple days early makes room for time at the zoo, or the beach, or the historic district, etc.  We were fortunate to have a surgeon in San Diego.  There’s nothing like getting drenched with water by a killer whale at Sea World the day before surgery is scheduled to forget about your troubles.

Today is the life God has given you. Make it the best it can be. If you do that as a couple you can make good memories together to go along with some you would just as soon forget, and you discover with Paul that “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” (Phil 4:13)

Bev: Don’t compare your spouse, your kids, or your life to anyone else. Don’t think that the “good life” is somewhere else.  It’s a lie to believe that.  Embrace the family and the life that God has given you and in the end you just might find that you have a greater treasure than most people have experienced. The Apostle Paul said, “I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I find myself.” (Philippians 4:11)  Don’t miss out on the “good life.”  It’s right where you are!

Mike:  I am energized watching the flawless teamwork of a double play that gets a pitcher who is in trouble off the hook and out of a difficult inning. (As long as it is my team that turned the double play). We can bring some needed teamwork to our home and help to get our wife out of a tough time.

When you come home, if you pick up a large part of the load she carries when you are away, it can make what is too much for one, do-able. That might mean taking charge of night time routines. For me, cooking dinner would be a curse rather than a blessing, but I am an expert at getting the most dishes into a dish washer.  If you are off on Saturday, it can be a good time to take charge of the house and suggest your wife do what she wants with no rush and no one to take care of. Ecclesiastes 4:9 so greatly applies to the couple raising a child with harder-than-average challenges: “Two are better than one…if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion.”

Bev: Make your home a happy place. Women can set the mood, the tone of the entire household.  Cook special meals for your family, decorate the home to be a warm and inviting place, and most of all show forth a contented spirit.  Oh, the power of a smile coming from the lady of the house! Make your home an inviting place for your husband to come home to. It will wash away much of the stress and anxiety of his life to arrive home to a happy atmosphere.  “A cheerful heart has a continual feast.”

(Proverbs 15:15)  What about when one of your children has what seems to be continual needs and stressful situations?  All the more reason to make your home a refuge in as many ways as you are able.

Mike: Be a source of joy in your home. There have been times we have survived in spite of me not doing this, but it sure made it harder.  I am working on having a joyful spirit because the stress of our life situation has tended to produce in me a “heavy” spirit.

In my marriage I have observed my wife doing ok with the challenges of the needs in our home and living above the storm, until I show up down in the dumps. It’s possible for everyone to go under when one person isn’t doing his part.

I am talking over with God the state of joy in my life on a regular basis lately and reminding Him and myself that I want Him to be in charge of my demeanor.  It’s a wonderful thing when I can come through the door and have a spirit of enthusiasm that helps everyone else to look on the bright side of life.

Bev: Don’t let the stress make you unkind to each other. How about a real recent example…like today… This week my son Brad has had a bad cold and we were pleased how well he handled it all week. Because of his weakness, he usually ends up in respiratory distress.  Today, the congestion finally got the better of him.  His oxygen was in the 70’s (supposed to be in the 90’s) as he tried to get rid of the last of the congestion.

I called my husband at work because he has been paying monthly to have some oxygen tanks around “just in case.”  Good idea.  But one problem.  The regulator that enables the oxygen to flow out of the tank was not with the tanks (meanwhile, Brad is not getting enough oxygen–stressful, stressful!)  So I rather accusingly said to my husband on the phone, “A lot of good it does to have oxygen tanks with no regulator!” And God’s Spirit within me reminded me to “chill out” and say no more. A stressful moment is not the time to “communicate.” Proverbs says, “how delightful is a timely word!” (15:23)

You know, I’ve always thought that Joyce Meyer’s book, Me and My Big Mouth should have been written by me!   But the good news is God is making me more careful, more kind, and a better wife, by His grace, as time goes by.  So even if you happen to have a “big mouth” like I do, seek God’s power to change you.  He will!  (By the way, we got everything worked out and Brad is doing just fine )

Do you notice that the changes in my husband and me have taken time? Be committed to your spouse while God works in him or her.  That commitment is the glue that will hold your family together, and I believe that you will eventually see the “good life” become a reality in your home, not as defined by the world, but in an even better way!

Mike and Bev Linder

www.special-heart.com

This week we kicked off a new sermon series in our church.  It is a series that focuses on an area that is near and dear to each parent’s heart, helping your kids succeed.  A recent survey that we conducted revealed that this is a desire that we as parents share in common.  While the desire of parents is clear, many parents are in a fog as to what it takes to help their kids be successful!

Many years ago I had the responsibility of hiring personnel for our department in a small computer company.  During that time I processed a stack of resume’s and cover letters and interviewed a number of candidates.  One thing that I learned was the importance of character.  I realized that we could train individuals to fix computers but we could not develop their character.  Let me explain.  We could not train them to be at work on time.  We could not teach them to practice good hygiene.  We could not teach them to be honest.  We could not teach them to work hard.  Yet all these moral character qualities are necessary to be successful in the work place.

Over the next several weeks I am going to focus on “Helping Your Kids Succeed.”  Today, I want to look at what is a successful kid.  I am sure that for many parents, success might be defined by what our kids avoid, like drugs, alcohol, sex outside of marriage, bad friends or even getting caught up with materialism.  But does an avoidance of these, and a myriad of other bad practices, make our kids a success?  On the other hand, maybe you would define success by the positive things your kids accomplish.  Do making good grades, sporting or academic accomplishments, earning a college degree, landing a good paying job or even finding a great spouse make our kids (and our parenting) a success?  These are important questions, because your definition of success will determine how you parent.  Let me say that I am for avoiding the negatives listed above and pursuing the positives also mentioned but the Bible calls us as parents to shoot for something much better.

Believe it or not, the Bible has much to say about success and successful kids.  It contains a whole collection of insights from a father to his son.  What makes these writings especially valuable is that the smartest dad that has ever lived wrote them.  He also happened to be a man of unimaginable wealth, King over a huge kingdom and a man with incredible intellect and abilities.  We know this dad as King Solomon and his collection of wise sayings as the Bible book of Proverbs.

In what many believe is a key verse for what he is trying to say to his son, Solomon states, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge” Proverbs 1:7 As you read through Proverbs you realize that Solomon does address the challenges of life like ill-gotten gain, pride, bad friends, sex and a number of other issues.  He also talks about what it takes to be respected, wealthy, and satisfied in life.  But he is careful to communicate that true success is a dynamic relationship with the Lord.  And the key, as Solomon puts to his son, in your heart.  “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Proverbs 4:23 He says this because he knows how important moral character qualities are to be successful in life and that these qualities are the byproduct of a relationship with Jesus Christ.

Next week, I want to touch on the importance of training a child’s heart.  Until then, let me encourage you to stop and consider how important moral character training is to success in life! Let’s not be satisfied to have our kids avoid poor choices or accomplish great things because of outside pressure or consequences but because they love to do what is right from a heart for God!

Pastor Joe