The new Toddlerhood Transition workbooks are now in the GFI warehouse and available for classes. The introductory price is $10.95. The introductory price for the newly released nine-part Toddlerhood Transition DVD series with two workbooks is $99.95 (The introductory sale is good through January 31, 2010. Save an additional five percent by ordering on line.)

We’re also in the process of revamping the GFI Leader’s Place. This is where leaders and facilitators can go to find additional class ideas, handouts, charts, forms, video run times, session summaries and sample clips from each of the nine Toddlerhood sessions. Do you have a question relating to the course work or from a student that you would like some help with or a second opinion? Our ministry support staff is available to leaders and would like to help. We’ll do everything we can to provide a timely and concise answer. Enjoy the New Year and your new ‘Toddlerhood Transition’ class.

December 12, 2009

Although the 2009 ‘Winter sale’ is over, the two family resources highlighted during the Christmas season continue to offer some great family values. We will continue to promote both over the next couple of weeks. First, there is the Mom’s Notes bookstore. We personally believe this is the best “little bookstore” on the Worldwide Web for at least two reasons. First, each book is reviewed for compatibility with the GFI curriculum and moral philosophy. That means you will not have to worry about any inappropriate content passing in front of the eyes of your children. Second, it provides a wide range of spiritual resources for all ages, from devotional books for your toddler to spiritual-life reading for Mom and Dad, Grandma and Grandpa. Books always make a great gift.

Our second site is not tied to the GFI ministry per se, although it is very much tied to our hearts. Martin Chalk is a Growing Kids’ Dad, friend and more influentially, the worship leader at our church. His music is heard in churches all over the world. For us, each service is like going to a full ‘concert’ of praise and worship. His newest CD, ‘Always’ is now available.We know styles of music are a matter of personal preference and we respect different taste in styles, but for the Ezzos, Martin puts it all together beautifully. Visit Martin Here. www.MartinChalk.com

There are few things that I can think of that cause more conflict in the family, or indeed anywhere, than bad attitudes. And yet, for all those conflicts, bad attitudes can remain one of the most difficult to get a firm handle on. I know we have struggled with them in our home, so I wanted to offer a few ideas, old reminders really, on how to deal with the attitude spider. Why do I call it an attitude spider? To me, they have many of the same attributes of a spider! Let’s examine them and see if you have noticed the same things.

1. They show up without notice. Have you ever been sitting, doing couchtime with your spouse, and glanced up only to spot some faint, gray, little shape where the wall meets the ceiling? You think perhaps it’s just a shadow. The following night, you glance up again and notice it is still there. Not only that, every few feet, there’s another one and a really giant one in the corner. Finally it dawns on you, these aren’t shadows; these are spider webs! Spring has sprung and with it, a fresh hatching of new baby spiders thinking your home is a perfect place to set up their new neighborhood. I find bad attitudes are the same way. At first you think maybe it’s your imagination or a fluke, suddenly you feel surrounded by them. Time for some Spring Cleaning, but how do you begin?

Begin at the beginning, as they say! The very first place to begin is with husband/wife agreement. If you are not agreed, your battle will be compounded. However, if one parent just does not see it, the parent who does should deal with it in a manner that is still agreeable to both parents. Second, if you have noticed a new behavior, have an out-of-conflict discussion with your child. Something like, “Hey, lately I’ve been noticing _______. That is really not an acceptable way to express your feelings. If you disagree with something, I expect you to tell me in a calm, mature way. I want to hear what you’re thinking, but we have to communicate respectfully.” Warn them gently that if they persist, they will have consequences. Then when something happens, deal with it! (We’ll talk about how in just a minute.) Don’t let it sit there and multiply! Remember, baby behaviors don’t go away; they just get bigger, spread out and multiply. Just as “last resort spanking” is pure folly, so is a last resort response to an attitude.

2. Spiders disguise themselves, at least that’s the way it appears to me. Say you’ve been spending time sweeping down all those cobwebs and you have spiders on the brain. Suddenly on the back of your husband’s T-shirt you spy something black and gangly! You whack at it and he whirls around with a “Hey!” You defend yourself, claiming you are sure you saw a spider there! He inspects his shirt and says, “It was probably just a thread.” No one knows; the mystery object is gone. Have you ever been sure you heard a huff after your child left the room, or been positive those eyes took a trip to the back of their sockets, only to have your child promise it never happened? What do you do with that?

Oh, what a pain this one is! Oftentimes, I’ve said, “Okay, you are not characterized by this, so I will believe you.” Sometimes that’s difficult to let go of, but remember that the Lord is just and you can ask Him to make your child’s heart clear to you both. There have been times, however, when a child has become characterized by having a bad attitude. In those cases, you can say the opposite: “I’m sorry, but you are characterized by this, so I’m going to go with what I saw. You will have a consequence. When you are no longer characterized by having a bad attitude, I will believe you.” That can be painful to hear and to say, but our children must know that they are judged by their characterization – not just at home, but everywhere they go. You stand or fall by characterization. Also, we are responsible to teach our children what socially acceptable behavior looks like. If they looked irritated, whether they meant to or not is irrelevant. If they make that face, it will be interpreted the same way by anyone: teacher, coach, pastor or friend. It’s called the universal language of Body Language. Teach your children that whether they like it or not, they speak it and are judged by it.

3. Spiders can be threatening. I remember once when I was a young girl, my dad was out of town and a tarantula picked that night to suction itself to the ceiling in my sister’s room. (Ladies, isn’t this always the kind of stuff that only happens when our man is away?) My mom and I were the only ones home and we were terrified! My mom called her dad who graciously came over to do battle. The terribly awkward thing about a spider on the ceiling is that if you hit it, it will fall and I believe Murphy’s Law states it will fall on you.  Dealing with an attitude can feel nearly as intimidating! You know that if you get in there with it, it could come flying at you! How do you get up the nerve to face it?

It’s true that sometimes things get worse before they get better. But having a peaceful home does not always mean that we are completely without conflict. In order to have true peace, family members must have peace with one another. False peace is no peace at all. To place a bandage over problems only causes them to fester. First you must get the bitterness dealt with; then healing will come. It’s called conflict for resolution and it’s biblical. The best way to maintain your nerve to continue to take your stand against attitude, is to keep your goal in mind. We want our children to be mature; bad attitudes are immature. We want our children to be able to get along with others; we must teach them how to respectfully disagree with professors, bosses, spouses, even pastors. We want our children to continue to have a healthy relationship with us throughout their lives; we must create a relationship built on mutual trust and respect. Keep your goals in mind and you’ll be willing to lovingly confront when necessary.

4. Spiders move in all different directions. Have you ever chased a spider? They don’t have eight legs for nothing! They are well created for getting away. And although not as horrifyingly unpredictable as chasing a cricket, they can still give you a run for your money. I’ve seen this with attitudes. There have been times I’ve tried to correct an attitude and that bloomin’ thing has snuck out from where I was sure I had it and is now saying something out of the blue! Often these phrases start with, “Well, I was just…” or “Well, you always/never…” or “I don’t see why…” Sneaky things, those attitude spiders. How are you going to catch them?

First and foremost, don’t let that attitude get the best of you. Often we end up on the territory of that attitude instead of sticking to our territory. We most often do this in three ways. 1) We let them push our buttons. We know our kids well, but they also know us! They know what thing they can say or do that will send us into retreat or fury, whether they are trying to use the self-pity card, the blame card or the anger card. Keep your cool and stand your ground! 2) They lead us on a goose chase. You can find yourself going over all kinds of issues until you are lost and can’t remember what you were after in the first place! Stick to the topic at hand and don’t get drawn off course! 3) They just plain wear us out. Oh, to go back to the days when we just had to physically run around after them! Now it’s mostly a mental and emotional exhaustion that sets in. It can be tempting to just accept the attitude. It’s so much trouble to deal with. But don’t give up! Get strength from the Lord to go on! You can do this!

5. I’ve heard that spiders are our friends. After all they have useful qualities – catching other insects and all that. Perhaps I should just leave them alone and let them do their job; after all, it is nature’s way. If I’m a big enough person, they shouldn’t really affect me. Again, I’ve heard the same thing about attitudes. “It’s just their way of becoming independent.” “You don’t want to squash their ability to think for themselves.” “It’s always this way with teens; just accept it.” Who’s right? Should I just let my child grow into an adult this way?

Culture is always trying to lull us into complacency on this issue. The truth is that we definitely want our children to grow into independent adults (if you don’t, get help!). None of us should desire to squash their ability to think for themselves. These are not the questions. The questions are: What is the best way to accomplish these goals and what is the godly way of doing it? Maturity isn’t having a loud opinion. Maturity is wisdom that comes through teachability. In my opinion, being teachable is a hallmark of being mature. Even as an adult, the more teachable I am, the more wise and mature I become.

Spiders are helpful, but I don’t want them in my house! Likewise, our children need to be able to stand up against wrong thinking in the myriad of settings they will face it throughout their lives. Spiders aren’t the only way to kill the insects; our kids need to be given the tools to stand up without using the attitude spider. They will only be heard if they are respectful. Our children need to eventually become independent, but this comes best through being released, not tearing away. Also, keep in mind that our children are being fed this worldly philosophy at every turn. They need to be taught that, in your home, they do not have to worry about this – you fully intend to encourage their independence at the appropriate time and you want to hear their opinions whenever they are stated in a respectful manner.

6. Some years, I really think ahead and Tim goes out and sprays all around our home and we never have a spider issue. Some years they get the upper hand and we must fumigate inside and out as well as track down the already established spiders. How do we prevent attitude spiders in our children and when they test this boundary (or complete overstep it) how do we deal with it?

As with anything, prevention is the most effective cure. Prayer is the most effective preventive measure you can take against attacks of selfishness, self-pity, pride, anger, bitterness, etc. Keep your family covered in prayer. Also, setting a tone of joy in your home is an essential fumigation method. This involves what you listen to, watch, speak and … your own example (you had to know that stinker was coming). Speaking out your expectations and goals (as stated under number 5) can also put to rest concerns your children have and establish a vision for the future. Growing a relationship is another essential. Spend time with your child having fun and sharing each other’s hearts.

If those attitude spiders show up, here are some possible tacks you can take. First, the ever helpful “pre-activity encouragement” can be the ally of both you and your child. If they are struggling with attitudes and you know you are about to tell them something that could cause them to slip up, warn them to maintain a good attitude before you lower the boom. Though this should not be necessary 100% of the time and should be tapered off, it may prove very helpful in avoiding trouble and clueing them in to what they are doing. When the time comes for consequences, what is most logical? If a child can not behave in a socially acceptable way towards you or the family, they should not be allowed to interact socially. This can mean different things for different children, depending on what is most effective with your child and the privileges they have that you can revoke. If they are younger, they may need isolation or a lost opportunity with a friend. If they are older, they can loose phone, email or Facebook privileges. Regardless of what privilege you revoke, repentance, forgiveness and restoration must precede those privileges being reinstated.

Finally, it is imperative that you remember two things. First, if you are going to kill a spider, it is not necessary that you become a spider. In the same way, you must be sure to maintain a good attitude when correcting a bad one. You must continue to be respectful in the face of disrespect. A hypocritical parent is the least effective. Second, if I am going to squash a spider, I am going to be careful to only squash the spider. I am not going to knock a hole in my wall or even scratch the paint! Remember that your child is not the spider; the bad attitude is the spider. Your child is precious and deserves your love regardless of how he is acting. Make sure your child can hear the difference between what they are doing and who they are. Make sure not to set your child in stone with phrases that begin with “You always/never….” Make sure they fully get the sense that you are trying to remove a splinter you see, not amputate their finger. Speak hope and life and encouragement more than you speak correction. Squash the attitude, not your child.

Permission granted by Tim and Ami Loper of Miracle Books.  The original version of this article can be found in the Fall 2009 edition of “Oh Yeah”.

The marriage relationship is very important and fundamental to the health of the family. I have yet to read a parenting book that states that parents should put the child first (I am not saying there isn’t a parenting book out there that says that, but I haven’t read it). Everything I have read has said to put your spouse first. For those who are divorced, these books discuss the importance of creating a united front for your child. A healthy relationship between the mother and father is very important for children.

Putting marriage first is highly stressed in the On Becoming series. The first topic discussed in On Becoming Babywise is the importance of family relationships, stressing the relationship between you and your spouse. The placement of this chapter should stand out to you. It wasn’t placed at the end of the book as an afterthought. It is the foremost topic. This is a book written for parents seeking sleeping and eating advice, and yet the authors start off with the marriage relationship. It is that important.

Of course, not all people believe the husband/wife relationship should come first. There are parents who have the conversation and agree to put the children first. I have discussed this further in  Put Your Marriage First .

I think that most people who use Babywise/GKGW principles in their home agree that the marriage relationship should come first and be a strong one. Many may wonder how to do this. Sure, you were in love while you dated. As newlyweds, you loved spending time together. It is simpler before you have children. Each child brings a new dynamic to the picture. It is easy for parents to get wrapped up in their children and put their own relationship on hold. Why did it get so difficult?

There is something important to keep in mind. Having a strong marriage relationship takes work. You must give effort to building and strengthening your relationship. Popular advice is to go on a weekly date night. That is good advice, but that in and of itself will not solve all of your problems. I know a couple who did that each week for years, but when the children were all gone and moved out of the house, they faced each other as strangers. They had each put all of their efforts into their children. Yes, they went on a date each week, but they didn’t utilize those dates to build their relationship as a couple.

Here are some ideas for strengthening your bond as a couple:

• Develop Unity: As a couple, you want to be unified. You want to be as one. Be loyal to each other. You need to value each other as equal partners. You and your spouse are two different people. You have different characteristics, strengths, weakness, and abilities. Learn to take the best of each of you to create one strong front.
• Nurture Love and Friendship: You got married for a reason. Nurture your love for each other. Express your love in various ways and show kindness toward one another.
• Have Strength Through Challenges: Challenges will arise, there is no doubt about that. They might be financial. They might be with children. They might be through health or death. Perhaps a natural disaster will come your way. You will experience challenges through simply aging. When these challenges arise, meet them with love and patience, rather than frustration and anger.
• Have Positive Communication: Positive communication is so important in all relationships. Since as a married couple you work so closely with each other, there is great tendency to lose sight of kind manners toward one another. Yes, you will disagree. You are two different people. Yes, you will think the other one is strange and hard to understand at times. You can seek to find the good in each other. Learning good communication skills will help you to make it through any challenge that comes your way.
• Strengthen Marriage through Faith and Prayer: You will bond as a couple as you come together for prayer and show faith in the Lord.
• Forgive Each Other: I am sure you already know there will be need to forgive each other. Your spouse will say something that hurts your feelings. You will do the same. As you offend, seek forgiveness. As you are offended, seek to forgive.
• Manage Finances: An overwhelming majority of marriages dissolve due to financial stress. Work together to manage your finances. This is an important area for each of you to honestly assess your strengths and weaknesses. Working together, you can keep money as little bit of a stress factor as possible.

Each of these ideas is very broad. Each idea could be at least on post by itself (don’t worry, it will be soon J ). Do they seem too simple? They are simple. But they cover all that is necessary for keeping your marriage relationship strong. There is no need to overcomplicate the issue. Applying these tips will help you and your spouse to come together as one, giving a great gift to each other and your children.

My Blog: Chronicles of a Babywise Mom

I am wondering how many Christian kids could answer the question asked by a non-believing friend; “What makes Christianity different than any other religion? Why should I believe that the Bible is Gods’ book or in Jesus is God?”

Over summer vacation several of the books I read dealt with real cultural influences that have deceived a large number of followers of Jesus. The one I want to mention, “Already Gone” by Ken Ham and Britt Beemer, looks at why your kids will quit church and what you can do to stop it. This must read is a well done survey on why kids from solid Bible believing churches walk away from their faith. As I was reading this book I was reminded of what the Apostle Peter recorded in his first epistle, “But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect,” 1 Peter 3:15 NIV.

While there is a ton of practical truth in this verse, I want to focus in on one area this week. It is the phrase, ”Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone.” Now stop and take a moment to reread that phrase slowly. The force of what Peter writes reinforces your need to be prepared to share your faith with others. What Ham and Beemer so powerfully communicate is that our kids are unprepared to defend their faith and as a result they are being swept away. What is more startling is that out of the 1000 kids surveyed only 11% walked away in college. Their survey revealed 40% began to doubt in Middle School and 43% in High School. If their assessment is correct, that means that we are loosing our kids while they are in church and living at home! They go on to make some other incredible observations about how we are failing to prepare our children to live in a post Christian culture. The main emphasis is addressed by the apostle Peter, the need to be prepared to defend their faith.

Let’s face it; it is more challenging to live for Christ in our culture today then when you were growing up. I would suggest that it is more difficult for kid’s today then for any recent generation. Not only have the issues like sexual immorality and alternative lifestyle become the norm, kids today also must battle tremendous temptations and cultural struggles at ages you never did.

While we need to protect our kids from these influences, we also need to prepare them to “give an answer for the hope that lies within them.” This is called apologetics, the study of how to defend the Christian faith. This was brought home to me this past week as we dropped our oldest child off at Washington State University. While I was sitting through an orientation for parents, I was reminded at the cultural conditioning that is happening all around us to adopt the culture’s values.

So what is the solution? While there are no guarantees, I would suggest two primary paths of action. First, is for you to live to the standard. If your life does not sell your kids on the necessity and viability of Christianity, why should they listen to anyone else?

Second, there are many ways to help your kids be prepared to address cultural issues. Don’t be afraid to discuss the issues before they become issues. Then be prepared to walk them through them. Your kids deserve more than a “no.” Help them to understand the moral reason why. You should also make solid age appropriate books and materials available to them.

This generation of kids needs to be more prepared apologetically prepared then any previous generation for the last 80 years! They will make it with our help!

-Pastor Joe Parkinson

The following is another wonderful response received from long time friend and ministry partner, Scott H. My request was sent to parents of ‘older’ boys, asking for input regarding the necessary preparation to help a ‘young man’ keep his way pure? [Ps. 119:9] Given the sensitivity of the topic, I’ve done some minor editing and thank Scott for permission to share what follows.

Scott wrote: I guess I fit the description you are looking for, having three teenage sons, 19, 17 and 15. My 15 year old is just starting into puberty, with temptations still largely revolving around mischief and pranks. He is just now getting to the point where girls are no longer repulsive.

The older two are doing very well in handling the temptations that come with ‘becoming young men’. My 17 year old likes girls, but has no interest in “dating” or having a “girl” friend. He is friends with all the girls at church (our youth group is only about 20 teens), and has his focus on school and his hobbies. Our eldest has had two episodes where he was concentrating on a particular young lady with great interest but backing off after finding they were not quite what they where presenting themselves to be. He wrestled with the last one for several weeks feeling he had been deceived. These were tough lessons, but he did finally acknowledge that dad’s advice was pretty good and think he will be more careful to follow it in the future.

To answer the question regarding the ability to “find a way of escape”, that I attribute to their walk with the Lord. Every other thing we have done only augments what we have tried to instill into them about being holy above all else. We have a lot of theological discussion in our home about handling all aspects of life. Teaching them to respond correctly to temptations while they were young and instilling into them a sense of responsibility as done in the GKGW series well prepared them for the new temptations they would face, as they became young men. We read a lot of books out loud while the boys were growing up and those always sparked good discussion about living a godly life in practical terms.

My wife and I have followed the advice given in the Moral Innocence series from an early age, added to that concepts of courtship instead of dating (as in Josh Harris’ book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye) and similar materials. (We have taught them to be a FIG (Friend In God) instead of a date). These all emphasize teaching the boys to treat girls with great respect from an early age and to become their protectors. They have taken to heart the Biblical roles they are preparing for as godly young men. In addition, we have given them some “rights of passage” along the way to mark their progress. The Making of a Modern Day Knight has been helpful in this. At age 16 we ask 8-10 godly men from the church to share with our sons what we believe their responsibilities are to God, family, women, society, peers, driving and facing fear, all of which are part of being a man.  We then commit ourselves to holding them accountable to learn and meet these responsibilities.

In our family we talk about nearly everything around the dinner table and topics of male/female relationships have been common, especially as they have seen their friends get hurt / stumble. When our family doctor told us our boys were entering puberty, I took each of the boys out and talked to them privately explaining the physical changes they would be experiencing as well as how to cope with the changes and also, my expectations of them. Thankfully, I have a very strong and open relationship with all three of my sons, but that has taken work on both sides. I have learned to change my schedule to take advantage of those times when each son wanted to talk and needed to talk, as well as being pro-active in pursuing them when they seemed to be getting a bit distant.

From the protective side, we have been careful about what they have been exposed to through the various media and in relationships. We chose to home school all three boys, providing exposure to the world in bits and pieces as they were ready for it through sports, Boy Scouts, employment and in college (Our eldest started at the local Community College at age 16, but was only allowed to take certain classes until we believed he was ready to handle the perversions of history and morality presented in the social science classes). Their worldview had a solid foundation laid before allowing it to face the full brunt of the storms of secular society.

Those are some initial thoughts. Not having any daughters (nor did I have any sisters) I am without any experience in that area. Son’s (and brothers) I know well and believe I am blessed beyond measure in observing how our two oldest son’s have become upstanding young men who have already taken leadership positions in their generation to help their peers walk with God and to resist conformity to this world.