Do fathers really matter?  In our mixed up fragmented society where the nuclear family is under attack, I would like to ask that question.  Do dads really matter?  Does the absence of a dad’s loving leadership adversely affect your kids?

While the secular world attempts to stick its head in the sand when asked this question, the statistics answer “Yes!”  A quick Google on this topic reminds us of the cold hard facts of how important a dad is to the development of his children.  The litany of maladies that face the fatherless range from greater and earlier sexual activity than their peers living with two natural parents to a dramatically greater risk of alcohol abuse.  The list also would include drug abuse, sexual abuse, child abuse, suicidal tendencies, confused identities, emotional distress and learning issues.

The Bible also speaks from a positive perspective on the importance of a Dad’s influence.  King Solomon gave this testimony of the impact his father, King David, had on him as a child. “When I was a boy in my father’s house, still tender, and an only child of my mother, he taught me and said, “Lay hold of my words with all your heart; keep my commands and you will live.” (Proverbs 4:3–4) The book of Proverbs is primarily a compilation of Solomon’s instruction to his children.

Sometimes as Dads we are just clueless to what is expected of us.  In my recent study on this topic I identified four Biblical responsibilities of Dads.  The first is to provide for your family.  Paul reminds Timothy, who we believe was pastoring the church of Ephesus, that the wage earners (Dads) need to provide for their own families. “If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” 1 Timothy 5:8 This simply means that dads need to work and attempt to work at a position that is able to provide for their families.  I realize in a time of record unemployment this can be discouraging.  This means that Dads in this situation will treat finding a job as their job.

Dads are also called to be the spiritual mentors in the home.  Christians of the past would refer to dad as the “priest of the home.”  In the application section of Paul’s letter to the church in Ephesus writes “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. ” Ephesians 6:4 It is interesting that Paul does not say that it is the Youth Pastor’s responsibility or even the government’s responsibility.  He says that you as Dad need to take responsibility for the spiritual training of your children.  It does not preclude the help of your wife, other adults, your church or your youth pastor but it does make you, the Dad, responsible.  One of the best ways to mentor your children Dad is to model what you desire in them.  “Do as I say not as I do just does not cut it!”

Dads are called to be our kids coach.  One of the jobs of a coach is not only to instruct but to correct.  The writer of Hebrews uses the assumption to illustrate God’s correction when he writes, “Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? ” Hebrews 12:7 Also, “Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness.” Hebrews 12:10 I know that correction is not very popular with our culture but it is a necessary part of coaching our kids!  The Bible reminds us that Dad needs to take the lead role in loving correction.  In our home as a rule of thumb I handle all the correction when I am home. We have found it demonstrates my support for my wife and it keeps me involved in coaching my kids.

Last, the Bible reminds us that we as Dads need to be cheerleaders for our kids.  We need to be encouragers with our actions and words. All too often our desire for greatness in our children leads to what I will call verbal cruelty.  The Bible states it this way, “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” Colossians 3:21 It breaks my heart when I hear fathers use cutting remarks, cutting humor or put downs to motivate their children.  The Bible reminds us to exercise the positive by presenting the negative.  Often in our desire to suppress wrong behavior we fail to recognize right behavior!  Your kids are never too old for kisses and hugs.  Watch their face light up with you tell them “I love you.”  Also look for ways to complement them with “I really like your new outfit.” or “I am so proud of the way that you handled that difficult situation.”

Dads, let’s not miss the opportunity that God has given us to be a blessing to our children.  Our wives may do many of these things but it will mean so much more when you get involved.  Why not give it a try? Because no matter what the culture says, you do make a difference!

-Pastor Joe Parkinson

Most kids have dreams of what they would like to be when they “grow up.”  Mine was to be an astronaut.  Growing up under the shadow of the space race left me fascinated with space travel.  Visits to the Kennedy Space Center helped fuel that passion.  A lot has changed since then but I still admire those that are astronauts.

When we think about raising successful kids it is natural to think academic, social and even sports opportunities are the way to secure their success.  In our desire to help our kids succeed we will help them with their school assignments, even hounding them to do their homework, shuttle them all over the place for sports practices and games and see that they are enrolled in opportunities to learn an instrument, dance classes, etc.  What we often ignore is God’s launching pad for your kids.  Just as the shuttle launch pad and what’s behind the launch scene is crucial for a successful space mission, so is what happens in the marriage, God’s launch pad for great kids.

Psalm 127, written by the wisest man that has ever lived, begins like this, “Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain.” Psalm 127:1 NIV It is easy for us to think of a physical building.  We know that that is not what Solomon is saying.  So what does it mean when it says God builds the house?   It is figuratively speaking of God using a framing hammer to mold and shape the lives of dad and mom so that they can shape the kids!  This verse reminds us that the best opportunity for success in your child’s life is derived from a strong relationship between dad and mom.  There is something more important than academics, sports or social opportunities.  It is for your child to be raised in a home where you, the parent, are living out Biblical truth.  That is why after giving the Ten Commands that God says to the parents “These commandments …are to be upon your hearts.” Deuteronomy 6:6 That is why Paul instructs the parents in the Ephesians church to “bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” Ephesians 6:4b

The best opportunity that you can give your child can also be the most challenging, a strong marriage relationship.  If you don’t believe me just Google the phrase “kids divorce statistics” and read a few of the articles.  What our kids need more than designer clothes and designer opportunities is a solid home!

Here are some brief suggestions for helping you strengthen your relationship with your spouse.  First, pray together each night.  A brief couple sentence prayer will draw you closer to God and each other.  It is hard to go to bed fighting when you pray!  Second, work out your issues in a timely manner.  Don’t sweep things under the carpet.  The pile only gets bigger.  If you can’t work things out talk to your pastor and get some help.  Third, work as a team not as adversaries.  My biggest challenging in counseling is to get spouses to lay down their weapons!  When you are at war the other person can do nothing right.  Give them the benefit of the doubt.  Try to put yourself in their shoes.

Fourth, show your appreciation for each other.  Guys, open the car door for your wives.  Gals, be sure to meet your guy at the door when he comes home.  Be sure to use please and thank you.  A kiss every time you leave and the words “I love you” spoken often help to strengthen your marriage.  Fifth, communicate regularly.  Sitting down on the couch for 5-10 minutes when you get home at night.  Enjoying your after dinner dessert as a couple with no kids or even a cup of coffee in the morning helps keep the two of you in sync.  Strong marriages are built on good communication and good communication takes time!

Sixth, get out for a regular date night.  I recommend dinner over a movie (not a lot is said watching a movie).  If finances are tight a cup of coffee and a shared dessert does wonders for rekindling the relationship.  Seventh, do at least one romantic getaway each year.  Your anniversary is a great opportunity to get away as a couple and spend some extended time together.  The pressures of life and responsibilities of kids can quench the fire for our spouse.  The romantic getaway is like putting a new log on the fire.

There is nothing wrong with providing your kids with opportunities to excel in academics, sports and social opportunities.  Just don’t let it ellipse the priority of your relationship with your spouse!   Your kids will be all the better for it (and so will you)!

-Pastor Joe Parkinson

One day, sitting by a peaceful pond, I found myself amused by three children, their tiny feet scrambling back and forth as they pursued the perfect skipping stone. Who hasn’t as a child, at one time or another tried to skip a stone across the smooth surface of a lake or dropped a pebble in a pool of water and then watched as perfect concentric circles expand outward. While it is the weight of the pebble breaking the surface that creates energy causing an expansion of ripples, the actual source that brought this energy to life was the decision to drop the pebble in the first place.

There is a parenting principle tied to this metaphor. Every decision we will make in 2011 and every action taken will set in motion a ripple effect of corresponding outcomes. Some ripples will be small and inconsequential; others will be impactful and long lasting. And still some outcomes will be completely unintended.

In our example above, the stone hitting the water might scare baby turtles floating near the surface, driving them into deep water, possibly toward a predator; the sound of the splash might startle some water birds and cause them to take flight, leaving behind a familiar habitat that provided food and safety. If these collateral actions take place then we’re connected to all of them because we purposed to drop a stone in the water in the first place.

When it comes to parenting, the analogy fits! Outcomes, even unintended ones are ultimately tied back to our decisions and our decisions are guided by our personal beliefs and assumptions about life and the purpose of our existence. Those beliefs form convictions and convictions give value to our actions.

The ancient Greeks were forever searching for the meaning of life. In contrast, the ancient Israelites had prophets who continually unfolded God’s plan to His people. They had no philosophers because they had nothing to philosophize about, the meaning and purpose for their existence came from God’s revelation, which in turn provided the meaning of life.

As you start the New Year, take inventory of your beliefs. Are you guided more by biblical revelation than human philosophy? Are you directed more by purposeful training than random chance? What purpose do your beliefs and actions serve? Hopefully it is a purpose tied back to advancing the Kingdom of God. With purpose comes conviction; with convictions comes confidence that you are doing the right thing by way of your children. Happy New Year!

Our dear Growing Families community,

These last few days before Christmas our focus, unfortunately tends to default to purchasing those last minute gifts or addressing the envelopes for the Christmas cards that probably will not make it in time. We hope the following thoughts from our friend Denise Brewer will help you, as it did us, to re-focus on the Person of Christmas and the greatest gift that any of us can receive. Denise very succinctly, provides an illustration for even our youngest parents in understanding the importance of making sure our children understand the purpose of why Jesus came down to earth. While we celebrate His birth, the ultimate celebration is because He came to provide us our ‘second birth’.

Christmas blessings and our love,

Gary & Anne Marie

As God Pleases, Dispose the Day

By Hebrew custom the first-born son inherits a double portion of inheritance.  Yet, in the Old Testament there are illustrations of blessings going to the second born son.    The twins Esau and Jacob are one such example.  Another example is the familiar story of Isaac, the second born son of Abraham.

God promised Abraham a son.  Yet, Abraham was old and his wife Sarah was way past child bearing years and had been barren their entire married life.  Abraham and Sarah believed God but became anxious and decided to help God out.  Under the Nuzi law’s of Ur in Babylon, the home Abraham left when called by God; it is legal to have a child with a servant and the child becomes the couple’s legal heir with all rights of a natural child.  So Sarah convinced Abraham to sleep with her handmaid, who conceived and bore Ishmael, their first born son; born according to the law. God made it known to Abraham that Ishmael was not the child He promised and assured him that the son would come through his wife Sarah and the promises of blessing God made to Abraham would be passed through this second son.   As God said, it was done.  They named their second born Isaac.

What is to be made of these stories where the Lord brings forth His promises through a second birth, not the traditional first birth?  What is the Lord trying to teach us in the picture types of these historical figures?   Let’s jump forward to the third chapter of the Gospel of John, where a man named Nicodemus comes inquiring of the Lord and is told “unless you are born again, you cannot see the kingdom of God.   And, Nicodemus replies, “How can a man be born again when he is old?  He can’t enter a second time into his mother’s womb can he?”   Jesus explains that the second birth is a spiritual birth.  He states, “That which is born of the flesh is flesh and that which is born of the Spirit is Spirit”.

Every human being is born in the flesh, meaning we are born with sin natures.  Now some people might try to argue that we are born sinless, a blank slate, but in our conscience we know that is not true.  Consider my daughter who as a baby took some Chocolate out of a box, while I was on the phone in another room.  When I returned I had to hunt for her.  I found her in the bathroom, hiding behind the toilet, her little face covered in chocolate.  So why, when she had never been instructed not to touch what was in the box, did she know that is was wrong and that she needed to crawl away and hide?  It is the same with all children.  No one has to instruct them how to hit their sibling when they get angry, or tell a lie, or throw a tantrum to get what they want!  They do these things naturally, without instruction, because it is their nature to do so.

The worst part of this sin nature is that death is the end result that accompanies it.  This is what Jesus was explaining to Nicodemus.  Unless you have a second birth into a different nature, you will live enslaved to that sin nature unto death.  Jesus goes on to tell him about being born a second time; in the Spirit.  He states that His Father “so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life”.  This belief in Christ is what ushers us into a second birth, and it is by our spiritual birth that we become children of God and heirs to the promises of God.

Galatians four explains this to us with the illustration we began with; the story of Abraham and Sarah.  Their first born son was born of a slave and was conceived in the flesh.  When Sarah was ninety-one years old, God miraculously produced life from a dead womb.  Just like Isaac, when we accept Christ as our Savior, we are born out of something that was dead.  And also like Isaac we “second born” children are heirs to the promises of God.  Christ redeemed us from the curse of the Law… in order that in Christ Jesus the blessing of Abraham might come to all mankind, so that we might receive the promise of the Spirit through faith (Gal 3:14).

May this Christmas be a season of gratefulness to Christ for His gift of eternal life through spiritual rebirth.  May the season also be one of growing anticipation to His second coming when we will see Christ and receive the rest of the promises of our inheritance.

As God pleases, dispose the day © 2010 is an electronic devotional by D. A.  Brewer.   All Bible quotations are from the New American Standard Version, © 1993 Lockman Foundation and used by permission.  The title “As God pleases, dispose the day” is a quote from Henry V by William Shakespeare.

While the following article was written regarding children with ‘special needs’, it really applies to us all, both parent and child. I do hope it brings each of you read it the same encouragement the Lord provided me.

Blessings as we “help our kids become all that they were created to be!” bi-line from Special Heart website.

Anne Marie

This is a cry that most parents have heard from each one of their kids at one time or in one form or another.  But this feeling of not belonging is more than a once-in-a-while occurrence for the child who has different challenges than most kids have.  The feeling of being different and alone is often something that our special kids have to live with.

As parents, we want to help all we can, but I know from experience that we can feel completely helpless—the birthday parties that our daughter or son wasn’t invited to, the lonely times on the playground or in the lunchroom, finding oneself alone when everyone else seems to have found his or her “crowd.” So there our child stands or sits—all alone.  And there we stand as a parent—with a broken heart.

There are things we can do to help, such as teaching our kids good grooming, how to make eye contact, how to catch on to the subtle communication and nonverbal cues that make a kid more likely to be accepted, as well as how to show an interest in others.  All these things help and we should do all that we can to assist our kids in being accepted by their peers.

But I realized a long time ago that I couldn’t go around and wave a magic wand and make everyone like and accept my kids!  As parents we can weary ourselves trying to do the impossible.  OR we can work on something better–helping our children be comfortable with who they are no matter what anyone else may think or how they might respond to them.

My son and I recently listened to former president George W. Bush doing interviews with various people about his book that has recently come out.  At one point, George Bush basically said this:  “When my approval rate was at 90%, I didn’t care.  When it was at 30%, I didn’t care either—because chasing after popularity is just a flash that comes and goes.  My goal is just to be who I am and to do the right thing as I see it.”

I saw this as a golden opportunity for discussion!

After Brad and I listened, we talked about how the loyalty and friendships of people can be fickle, and one day people may include you and value your friendship, and the next day they may decide that they don’t want to hang out with you, or even be seen with you.  Our lives and our joy can’t depend on how people are feeling about us at any given moment.

This all really resonated with my son because although people like him well enough, most of his peers and acquaintances just don’t have the patience to include him in any significant way, because it takes a lot of effort and time to make this happen due to his physical disability.  So he finds himself mostly alone.

Brad seemed to find a sense of relief as we talked that although having friends is a good thing, being popular and included is not the necessary ingredient to having a fulfilling and successful life.

And it was not only Brad who was helped by this discussion, but I also thought of the times that I have been rejected, ignored, misunderstood, insulted, and forgotten, often because of our family’s life situation.  These were times I tried to lift my head up high and remind myself that I was OK because, as the bumper sticker used to say, “God don’t make no junk!”  And that’s exactly the message we should instill into the heart of our special child.

Brad and I also talked about others who have faced these kinds of things and how they handled it.  King David was loved by Israel until Absalom (his own son) came and turned everyone’s heart toward himself, and David found himself forsaken and suddenly hated for no good reason. “Absalom stole away the hearts of the people of Israel.”  (See the story in 2 Samuel 15) David felt this rejection deep in his heart, and he “wept” as he fled from those who had turned against him.

It is believed that David wrote Psalm 63 when he was fleeing from his son and those who suddenly hated him.  He gives many telling insights in this psalm about how he endured his plight, such as,

“…in the shadow of your wings I sing for joy.  My soul clings to you.”

Are these thoughts too lofty for kids to grasp?

I asked my husband that question and he said, “I would say yes, except when I try to think about the options, trusting God is really the only thing that works.”   I can always count on Mike for a good pragmatic answer!  And it’s true.  God has made us all, including our kids who have challenges, to find rest and fulfillment in having Him not only as Lord, but as a best friend, one who never changes His mind about us and who never has a bad mood or selfish motive.

Sure, these attitudes won’t happen overnight, for with most kids, the pressure to be “in with the in crowd” is strong.  But keep gently turning your special child’s focus toward the Friend who never stops loving.  If your child has a cognitive challenge, speak truth to her in spite of her challenge.  I believe God can use His Word to touch any and every heart. If your child is on the autism spectrum and seems not to care much about relationships, speak to him about the Friend who wants to help him in everything he does.  Know that there is something in his heart that is hungry for God.

There is a wonderful irony that tends to take place when kids (people) are secure enough to be who they are and not fall apart if people don’t seem to like them.  Suddenly, others are attracted to the person who has confidence even when he or she stands alone, and friendships are much more likely to happen.

Concerning your own broken heart when you see that your child is at times rejected, realize that most of his self esteem comes from home. So he’ll be more than OK if you love him and teach him of God’s love toward him.

Copyright 2010 Bev Linder www.special-heart.com Used with permission.