Thank you for visiting our Parenting the Middle Years questions page. Whether you are brand new to GFI or looking for information on a particular topic, we trust our answers will be helpful to you. If you would like more information about Adolescence, please read the adolescent parenting article(s) on this website.
- What are some of the topics covered in Parenting the Middle Years?
- Why was Parenting the Middle Years written?
- What are the marks of a healthy family?
- What is the difference between obedience based on authority and submission bas on influence?
- What is values-based parenting and what are its benefits?
1. What are some of the topics covered in Preparation for Adolescence?
- Making the transition from leading by authority to leading by relational influence.
- Understanding and shaping the moral, biological and peer group influences that will shape a preteen’s life
- Combating negative peer pressure children will face.
- Communication tips that will allow parents to enjoy meaningful conversation with their preteen.
- Motivating preteens through the use of encouragement.
- Identifying seven warning flags that may indicate future relational conflicts.
- Thinking through the process of courtship and dating and how a parent can influence a child’s thinking about this topic.
2. Why was Parenting the Middle Years written? We [the Ezzos] wrote Parenting the Middle Years after completing our Reaching the Heart of Your Teen series. It was then we realized the need for such a preparatory middle years teaching. The many conversations with desperate mothers and fathers struggling with rebellious teenagers convinced us that most of the storm and stress experienced could have been minimized, if not prevented altogether, if only these parents had some practical guidance a few years earlier.Rightly meeting the small challenges of the middle years reduces the likelihood of big challenges in the teen years. The period between eight to twelve years of age finds children in three major transitions, moral, biological, and social. Each transition brings its own set of adjustments, conflicts, and changes. Yes, changes. Your children are growing up and that means you must grow with them.
The middle years awaken within a child a sense of fearful adventure in an ever-expanding world outside the security and confines of Mom and Dad. It is the first phase in the transition from dependence on parents to the self-reliance of adulthood. Therefore, this transition must be accompanied by patience, understanding, and plenty of parental faith in the belief that He who has begun a good work in you will continue it in your children.”
3. What are the marks of a healthy family?
What are the marks of healthy families?While experiences differ and no one has universal insights, we maintain that healthy family relationships are cultivated, not inherited. Here is a list of traits common to healthy families. Healthy families:
1. Have a core of shared values that all members embrace.
2. Know how to communicate with each other.
3. Have parents who are not afraid to say, “I was wrong.”
4. Have teens who are willing to accept “no” for an answer.
5. Have parents who are approachable about their own sin.
6. Maintain the marriage as a recognized priority of family health.
7. Make time to be with each other and to attend each other’s events.
8. Have parents who are not afraid of the teen years.
9. Have teens who are confident of their parents’ trust in them.
10. Have members who are loyal to each other.
11. Have planned family events.
12. Elevate conflict resolution above conflict avoidance.
13. Have a corporate sense of responsibility to all members.
14. Swap family rules for family courtesies as the child matures.
15. Act on the belief that the family unit is more important than the individual.
Don’t assume for a moment that healthy families are without problems. They aren’t! Stress, trials, conflicts, financial problems, and sinful attitudes confront healthy families as much as they do unhealthy ones. The difference is this: Healthy families know how to deal with stress; they know how to draw upon each other’s strengths to get through their trials; they know how to resolve conflict instead of avoiding it; they know how to confess their faults to one another.”
4. What is the difference between obedience based on authority and submission based on influence?
What would you rather lead your preteen and teen by: the power of your authority or the strength of your relational influence? The first is related to obedience, the second is associated with a child’s devotional submission. Managing or mismanaging parental leadership will make all the difference in the world as to how peaceful or turbulent the teen years will be for your family.
Let’s turn now to the subject of parental authority, more specifically, how not to abuse it. By the time your children approach the teen years, you should be well on your way to leading them by the strength of your relational influence. This means the power of your authority, once used to control and direct your child’s outward behavior, should begin to be less needed. Let’s talk about this fact.
Authority has always been a struggle for humankind. From birth, children struggle with it, and as we grow older it doesn’t get any easier. Some people can’t seem to live with it, yet most of us understand that you can’t live harmoniously without it.
In the Christian family, the Bible not only provides the basis of all authority but also the ethics governing the exercise of authority. Biblical authority is beautiful because it is morally focused. Similar to the character of love (1 Corinthians 13:5-7), biblical authority is not presumptuous, proud, unkind, or unfair but full of integrity, gentle, consistent, and gracious. It’s motivated by love and used only when needed. Its purpose is to guide by encouragement and restraint. Authority is necessary because law and order for the family and the society is dependent on its proper administration. But authority can be taken to extremes. Too much authority leads to totalitarianism, while insufficient authority leads to injustice and social chaos.
In societal settings, whether it be a nation of families or a single family, the amount of rules, regulations, and authority needed to govern a people is determined by the moral consensus of the people. Moral consensus refers to values mutually agreed upon that govern individual behavior for the common good. The more values we share in common as a community of people, the less there is a need for coercive government to bring social order. In contrast, the more individual values conflict with societal values, the more intrusive government must become to insure social harmony. That same law of social order applies to our families.
What we are striving for in our homes is social order and unity without coercive authority, especially when there is a teenager living in the house. In order to achieve that end, we must balance the need for parental authority with our teen’s growing sense of personal responsibility. The closer the family draws to agreed upon values, the less there is a need for rulership by authority.”
5. What is values-based parenting and what are its benefits?
Values govern every person’s behavior. And to some extent our lives are marked by two sets of values: Values based on what we believe (the ideal), and values based on what we do (the reality). The disparity between knowing godly values and living those values is the crux of the human dilemma and the source of many parent-child relational conflicts. Maybe it was this very point that James, the brother of our Lord wanted to get across to the Church when he said: “Be ye doers of the word and not hearers only deceiving yourselves,” (James 1:22). As parents we need to be doers of what we know to be true, not just hearers.
When we as family members operate from the same values, the likelihood of family accidents at the intersections of our lives is drastically reduced. Why should you base your family relationships on biblical precepts? Here are some practical benefits.
Benefit 1: Parents Learn to Lead by Their Influence
A values-based approach to child rearing helps parents lead in such a way that their preteens and teens will follow. A common shoelace can help illustrate this principle. On a flat surface, stretch out a shoelace in front of you, one end nearer you (the “bottom”) and the other end farther away (the “top”). Then place your finger at the bottom of the shoelace and begin pushing. What happens? The shoelace begins to stack up in loops and tangles as you push, but it does not move forward. In fact, the more you push, the more it twists and turns, moving in every direction but where you want it to go. Now take the other end of the shoelace, the top, and begin pulling. What happens? You can lead the shoelace in any direction. Many parents wish to move their teen-parent relationship from where it is to where it should be. But they find resistance because they are pushing from the bottom rather than leading from the top.
They are attempting to force change by the power of their authority, instead of leading by the power of their influence.
Benefit 2: It Morally Perfects Parents
It seems that God gives us children to perfect us. Have you noticed that? The moral relational approach forces all participating parents to improve their own moral proficiency. You must internalize the same biblical precepts that you require of your teen and live those precepts. Take honesty, for example. The ability to decide to be honest is the same whether a child makes it during a spelling test or an adult makes it when turning in an expense report. Moses, speaking of the moral statutes and precepts governing God’s people in the new land, reminded parents that, “These things must first be in your heart” (Deuteronomy 6:6b). Parents must understand right and wrong before they can teach these principles to their children. But often God uses our children to force us to learn.
Benefit 3: Changes Are for a Lifetime
Values-based parenting governs relationships for a lifetime. Remember that truth. We are not offering a strategy just to get you through the teen years, but one that is life-long. The parent-child relationship is not bound by time, age, or some artificial social marker, such as high school or college graduation. Parent-child relationships are continuous. Today’s teens, on average, can expect to live another fifty or sixty years. By God’s grace, you also will live many of those years. What kind of relationship will you have with your child once he or she is out of the house? Your children will always be your children. There will always be a need for a healthy relationship.
Benefit 4: Values-Based Parenting is Unifying
We know that family life, when established on a weak moral foundation, is threatened from the start. Where there are no common values there is no basis for family unity. If moral integrity is lacking or is allowed to sag or break down, the resulting strains will sooner or later produce relational conflict.
The “common-values” rule is this: The more each family member moves away from common moral ground, the more strain is placed on all relationships. The reverse is also true. With values-based parenting a fixed set of otherness-values govern interpersonal relationships. A moral environment fosters a we-ism loyalty to one another.
The Apostle Paul encouraged the Philippians brethren with these words: “Therefore if there is any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and mercy, fulfill my joy by being like-minded having the same love, being of one accord of one mind” (Philippians 2:1-2). Being like minded, having the same love, and being of one accord. These attributes represent a noble goal for a Christian family. But how are they attained? Only through moral like-mindedness.
Benefit 5: The World Takes Notice
When God’s values are allowed to dwell in you richly, the world will take notice. A desperate society will still be viewing the Christian message long after it stops listening to it. Do you see why this is true? In a society where natural family relationships are being destroyed, we, the Church, have the great opportunity to offer hope by our good behavior (Matthew 5:16b). When we keep our behavior pure, when we let our indwelling light shine forth ?washing over our marriages, our children, our families, and our relationships with others. When we let the excellence of Christ be seen in our members, our conduct will not go unnoticed. The compelling testimony of our faith, as borne out by our actions and the reality of the gospel, will stand in dramatic contrast to the negative consequences of other’s poor choices (1 Peter 2:12). As a result, some of those in our midst will glorify God by accepting the gospel that we live before them.
