Chapter One ~ How to Raise a Moral Child:This first session focuses on establishing the importance of the moral training of our children and how biblical ethics is the basis of that training. The Word of God is the source of both our example and precept. Its example shows how God places value on others and thus establishes the heart of biblical ethics – placing value on those outside of self. The precepts of God’s Word set the absolute standard to which we are to train our children. Personality differences and temperament affect parenting in that they help parents identify areas which require special effort to raise children up to the same standard of moral training. However, the standards of training and the goals do not change with personality differences. Temperament differences are not an acceptable excuse for sin.
This session also identifies two common extremes and their sources – authoritarian parenting and permissive parenting. Each has short-term consequences and is ultimately destructive. The answer to these two extremes is biblical parenting, which focuses on moral training. Moral training instructs children with the principles behind parents’ directions. This mindset helps the child adopt the principles as his own. Failure to teach in this way results in a child who is moral on the outside (behavior) but not on the inside (character). For children ages three and up, parental instructions should become characterized by including moral or practical reason why. Providing these reasons helps to make obedience attractive. The Ezzos also challenge parents to pay attention to context, which allows them to guard against legalism.
Chapter Two ~ Right Beginnings:
In this session, the Ezzos present the foundation of the family and identify two popular practices that threaten the family. From Genesis 2 and Ephesians 5, the husband-wife relationship is shown as a family by itself, even without children. The husband-wife relationship is the priority relationship among human relationships. This lesson focuses on horizontal relationships. The Christian’s relationship with God (a vertical relationship) is discussed elsewhere.
The first practice that threatens the family is downplaying the significance of the husband-wife relationship. The greatest influence parents have on their children is as a husband and wife, rather than as a mother and father. Children derive much of their security from seeing the husband-wife relationship functioning smoothly. This lesson is not promoting egalitarian roles in marriage. Egalitarian is defined as “equality in marriage,” meaning equal leadership as well as sharing common roles at both work and home.
The second practice that threatens the family is child-centered parenting. Children are to be welcome members of the family, not the center of it. Children who grow up in child-centered families grow up self-centered and ill-prepared for real life. Children have an intrinsic need to know their parents are solid in their relationship. Insecurities in this area affect every other learning discipline.
Some key applications from this lesson include activities that demonstrate the priority of the husband-wife relationship. Maintaining other relationships, date nights, special husband-wife activities, hospitality, and “couch time” all reinforce the principles outlined here. Over and over, the Ezzos come back to “couch time” as a significant factor in helping children see the love Mom and Dad have for each other and the priority of this relationship. This simple practice affects many other areas of a child’s life and cannot be overstated in its importance.
Chapter Three ~ Touchpoints of Love:
There are two sides to love – giving and receiving. Giving is the action side; receiving is the feeling side. Both are in the design of God. For love to begin in such a way that it is sensed and received by the other person, each person must understand what causes the other to feel love. In effect, each person must learn to speak to the other in their primary love language. Though the main focus of this session is on the husband and wife, the same principles apply to children. Each person has one priority love language, though all should be exercised. They are:
Encouraging Words – Building one another up through edifying and encouraging words (1 Corinthians 8:1)
Acts of Service – Deeds out of the ordinary that the other person will appreciate (1 John 3:18)
Gift Giving – Simple, impromptu gifts that say, “When we were apart, I was thinking of you.” (Ephesians 5:25)
Quality Time – An activity that promotes communicating and sharing (this does not include most entertainment activities, but must promote two-way conversation) (Matt. 17:1; Mark 5:37, 9:2, 13:3, 14:33; Luke 9:28).
Physical Touch and Closeness – Hand-holding, a hug, or just being close, even without conversation, communicates love. Just knowing the other person is right there is enough to confirm a partner’s affection and care (Mark 10:13-16).
The lesson concludes with an immensely practical assignment to determine the love language priorities of different family members.
Chapter Four ~ The Father’s Mandate:
Fatherhood can operate at three levels – the biological level, the material and sustenance level, and the loyalty level. The third and highest level is the focus of this session. Due to many factors, including the complexity of the current culture, work, finance, education, and leisure activities, most men never reach this third level. Even in recent history when Judeo-Christian influences were greater, men primarily operated at the sustenance level, erroneously thinking moms were more qualified to nurture children. But, the faithful father will build his relationship with his children based on trust.
The Ezzos challenge the contemporary notion of quality time and quantity time with the view that time is not the best measurement, but the caliber of relationship is. This can be gauged by how often children turn to Dad for advice and counseling. Trust secures the relationship, solidifying a child’s position and giving him the sense of being loved. Failure to build trust causes a child to more readily find his identity with his peers and thus adopt their values. The Ezzos identify and detail eight duties that cultivate and strengthen the child’s confidence in Dad’s leadership.
1. A father must cultivate a sense of family identity.
2. A father must regularly demonstrate love to his wife.
3. A father must understand and respect his child’s private world.
4. A father must give his children the freedom to fail.
5. A father must be the encourager of the family.
6. A father must guard his tongue and his tone and learn to measure his response against the excitement on their faces.
7. A father must routinely embrace his children.
8. A father must build the trusting relationship on God’s Word, not on human wisdom.
Chapter Five ~ Your Child’s Conscience:
The Bible speaks frequently of the conscience and the Old Testament equivalent, which is the heart. The Scripture hints at many aspects of the conscience, and the Ezzos introduce some supportive terms to accurately represent the scriptural intent of these passages. The primary conscience spoken of in Romans 1:18-21 is imparted by God to all men and is that intrinsic sense of right and wrong – the sense of an ultimate accountability. The primary conscience produces an awareness that God exists, truth comes from God, righteousness comes from truth, and judgment comes from righteousness.
The moral conscience is the highlight of this session. Psalm 119:11 illustrates this facet of the conscience. This conscience is the trainable part. That is, it is the part that can be instructed and developed with principles from God’s Word. While the primary conscience provides the inborn sense of right and wrong, the moral conscience provides the learned standards of right and wrong. The Ezzos explain five truths about the conscience:
1. The heart is the moral warehouse which stores both knowledge and wisdom (right use of knowledge). Training must focus on self-control guided by principles from God’s Word (Deut. 6:6-10).
2. There are four activities of the conscience that move a person to think and act morally: warning, accusing, prompting, and confirming. Guilt is a healthy experience of the conscience. If guilt is never experienced, either the conscience has been hardened, or no association value was placed on it.
3. When a moral decision or evaluation is needed, the conscience searches our moral warehouse for a principle to follow. If there is no moral principle to stir the heart, the heart will not be stirred (Proverbs 23:7).
4. Negative conscience training consists of warnings, restrictions, and consequences and is predominately used in the early years. Positive conscience training consists of instruction (and the moral reason behind the parents’ instructions), encouragement, reinforcement, and is predominately used in the middle and upper childhood years. Around age three, the transition should begin. Failure to implement this transition results in frustration and an inability for the child to reason morally.
5. Prohibitive conscience training is the “I must or else…” fear. Positive conscience development is “I must because it’s right…” Parents need to work toward the positive. The Ezzos use a test to show where the parents are personally in this development and challenge the believer to focus on the Lord Jesus Christ to overcome the effects of a prohibitive conscience.
Chapter Six ~ Character Development: Respect for Authority and Parents:
1. Character is the quality of workmanship that went into the personality. It is the combined quality of a person’s personality and the moral restraint or encouragement of inward and outward behavior. The best way to evaluate character quality is by the presence or absence of three attributes – respect, honor, and honesty. These must be the observable, outward results of inner, or heart, training. The Ezzos show the strong, scriptural basis for each and draw out several applications that help parents develop character in their children.
Character is not a person’s temperament or personality. We believe temperament is inborn, serving as the foundation upon which personality is built. In contrast, character is the quality of craftsmanship that went into building the personality. Character is the combination of virtues embroidered on the moral fabric of a person’s life. There are six natural relationships that are foundational to every society because they are fundamental to all human relationships. Man interacts with: authority, parents, elders, peers and siblings, property of others, and nature. These six relationships provide the basis for all character training.
This lesson takes up the first two relationships: Respect for Authority and Respect for Parents.
Chapter Seven ~ Character Development: Respect for Age:
Respect for Age. In this section, there are several uniquely practical applications, such as the interrupt rule, the use of titles (such as Mr. and Mrs.), and other implications of respect. Training children to honor and respect age is training them to honor God. We are all precious to God, and therefore, respect is due. Yet, some among us are older, and a greater portion of honor should be directed to them. Teaching your children how to properly interrupt a conversation is a practical way is also showing respect for age. It is a gesture of honor and respect. This lesson also speaks to the issue of the shy child and what is and is not required. The Ezzos point out that shyness is not an acceptable excuse for disrespect. Shyness itself is not morally right or wrong, but it does have moral limits.
Chapter Eight ~ Character Development: Respect for Peers, Property, and Nature
Respect for Property. The emphasis of this session is on teaching children to respect the dominion of others, whether it be time, space, objects, or rights. The emphasis is not the object of ownership but on showing respect for the person who owns the object. The Ezzos make a point about example. Parental modeling is important when it comes to moral training. You cannot demand moral performance on a greater level than what you live up to yourself. To instruct your children and not back it up with example will exasperate them (Ephesians 6:4).Also, this lesson teaches how to encourage your children to be happy when something wonderful happens to a sibling, such as when one receives an award, wins a game, or has an opportunity that the others do not have.
Chapter Nine ~ Principles of Obedience:
In this session, the question “What is obedience?” is expanded to its full meaning. Children are to honor their parents through obedience. An obedient response is first-time, immediate, complete, and with a verbal response from the child. Parents must say what they mean and mean what they say; yet they must be sensitive to scripture, not exasperating their children by being unfair, unjust, or untimely. In some situations, giving a five-minute warning or providing a legitimate “door of escape” from conflict is helpful. Certain parent types hinder the process of training children in obedience. The Ezzos describe these parent types clearly: the threatening/repeating parent, the bribing parent, and the negotiating parent. Understanding the objective nature of first-time obedience is of great importance. When parents require the standard, the child alone determines when he will be punished, eliminating many arbitrary and inconsistent decisions in discipline.
The ultimate goal in obedience is self-generated initiative. There are four levels of initiative described. The first and highest is self-generated initiative, the second is prompted initiative, the third is forced initiative, and the fourth is suppressed initiative. They focus on both attitude and action.
Chapter Ten ~ Discipline with Encouragement:
This session provides a detailed look at all aspects of discipline, both the encouragement side and the correction side. It is the most complicated of all the lessons; understanding these concepts is crucial to the moral development of the family. The principles presented here are, however, both logical and common sense. The discipline flow chart provides an overview of the entire process. Discipline must keep the long term in mind and not just the needs of the moment. God gives parents the responsibility to constantly assess the needs of their children with the insights into attitudes and motivation.
The Ezzos first differentiate skills and behavior. Skills are not moral issues and therefore do not have a corrective side. Encouragement in a skill area can consist of verbal praise and goal incentives. Verbal praise should be linked to the reason of improvement. “Great job catching the ball, Ryan. I can see how much your practice has helped you.” Unanticipated praise will have the greatest impact on your children. Goal incentives should not be overused.
Behavior and its associated attitudes and motivations have two sides: correction and encouragement. Both are important. The encouragement side consists of pre-activity reminders and questions to stimulate good attitudes and behavior. The best time to teach is during periods of non-conflict. The post-activity side consists of praise and occasional rewards. Rewards must be unanticipated and used carefully and sparingly.
Chapter Eleven ~ Discipline with Correction:
The correction side requires parents to consider the motivation behind a child’s particular action. Parents must determine if the action was childish or foolish. Childishness is innocent immaturity. There is no rebellious intent or selfish motive. It still necessitates correction, but not the same way a foolish action does. Foolishness includes deception, trickery, disobedience, and unwise or rebellious (active or passive) behavior. Childishness may be dealt with by admonishment or, more seriously, with related consequences of temporary removal of privilege or property or having to make restitution.
Foolishness must be understood in the context of the severity of the child’s actions and how he is normally characterized. When a child is not characterized by the type of infractions in question, the less intense forms of correction such as admonishment, warnings, and reflective timeouts can be used. The reflective timeout must not be understood as the contemporary tool of punitive action for sin but as a way to stop the child before he commits a rebellious act and thus cause him to “foresee evil” (Proverbs 22:3).
In the younger years, foolishness will be dealt with most frequently using consequences and physical correction. Consequences may be natural in that they happen as a natural result of the child’s sin, or they may be induced or structured, such as the pain of chastisement, isolation, or logical consequences. Isolation may accompany or act as a follow-up to chastisement but is not intended to be used as a routine substitute for it. Logical consequences include removal of privileges or freedom for a period to help the child accept responsibility for an unaware action. There must be a connection between the offense and the punishment. In all these insights, the punishment must fit the crime. Over-punishment exasperates the child; under-punishment fails to put a correct value on the offense.
Chapter Twelve ~ Consequences and Punishment:
This session focuses attention on the specific side of corrective discipline called chastisement (spanking). It provides an expanded view of the biblical basis and use of chastisement and deals with both practical implementation and misconceptions. Many argue against chastisement today with reasons that are both unfounded and unbiblical. The Ezzos carefully examine each of these misconceptions and look to the Bible for the correct view. Unfortunately, most parents fall into the cultural use of spanking instead of the biblical application. There is a stark contrast between the two.
The Ezzos present a number of practical and scriptural truths on spanking. Spanking should almost never be done on bare skin and should always be private. Chastisement is initiated by the child’s observable, objective act or attitude of rebellion, not by frustration of the parents.
Chapter Thirteen ~ Repentance, Forgiveness, and Restoration:
One goal of the corrective side of discipline is to bring children to repentance. But how do we distinguish true repentance from regret? The Ezzos show that sin damages the fellowship aspect of a relationship. Teaching a child simply to hate sin is insufficient without his understanding that it hinders the relationship. This type of instruction begins somewhere around four years of age. The book of Judges shows the cycle of sin-repentance-forgiveness-restoration very clearly. Repentance begins with the offender. Forgiveness begins with the offended. Restoration closes the offense and buries it, restoring the relationship to its former state. When property is involved in the offense, restoration should be made as an outward sign of repentance.
There is an important emphasis on attitude. Saying “I’m sorry” expresses one’s emotion, acknowledging an unintentional mistake. However, confessing the sin and saying “Will you forgive me?” is an act of great humility that places the offender in his proper position before the one offended. Although an attitude may be correct and repentance present, consequences must still be initiated. The life of David is a clear example of consequences for sin, even in the presence of true repentance.
One very practical point when implementing chastisement is that children often do need a few minutes to recompose themselves and develop the attitude of repentance and the desire to restore. What to do after chastisement was discussed in Session Twelve. Parents must be sensitive as to how their child indicates he wishes to restore. It may range from a single hug, to helping the parent, or spending time with the parent.
Chapter Fourteen ~ Discipline Issues (Part One):
In this chapter, the Ezzos share an important concept that gives valuable insight into a possible cause of tension in your family – parenting outside the funnel. In an attempt to be gracious to their children, many parents unknowingly promote conflict by allowing their children freedoms that are not age-appropriate. These can be too many choices in decision-making, too many verbal freedoms, and too many physical freedoms. What do these freedoms accomplish? They cause a child to be “wise in his own eyes.”
Being “wise in his own eyes” means that a child thinks he has a self-sufficient wisdom that he does not possess. How can you know if a child is wise in his own eyes? One way is to listen to the way the child speaks. Does he ask if he can do something, acknowledging parental authority in his life, or does he tell his parents what he is going to do? This lesson can help parents determine if their child is addicted to choice and offers practical measures that must be taken to place the child in a position that reflects his maturity.
Chapter Fifteen ~ Discipline Issues (Part Two):
The Ezzos illuminate several common areas of discipline in the light of reinforcement training and non-reinforcement training. Reinforcement training is any behavior or attitude supported, directly or indirectly, by the parent. Non- reinforcement training is anything discouraged by the parent.
Although whining is unacceptable, children whine to protest an instruction or decision because whining works. The parent must consider the age of the child and motivation when determining correction. For toddlers, whining is often due to an inability to communicate. Although, they can be taught some basic sign language to communicate their simple needs. In an older child, parents may implement pre-activity encouragement using a verbal reminder against whining before giving an actual instruction, or use a timer to give the child the opportunity to present his request again after a few minutes, without a whine. If these natural consequences of having to wait are not enough, parents should make the offense an act of disobedience with appropriate consequences (chastisement).
Tantrums may be classified as two types – frustration tantrums or temper tantrums. Frustration tantrums are those that result from immature motor skills. These can be dealt with by teaching the child to ask for help. Temper tantrums are much more serious and, if not corrected, develop into serious verbal and physical violations. A temper tantrum is an absolute rejection of parental authority. Parents should isolate the child (with a promise of consequences), then follow through with chastisement after the child settles down.
Dishonesty can take the form of lying, stealing, and cheating. In the process of correction, a parent should identify the root cause of lying and determine if there is an additional course of action required. The Ezzos identify six possible motives. Considerations of age and characterization must be made when determining the correction process.
Stealing can involve more than property. Time and reputation can be stolen as well. Gossip destroys reputations. For property, restitution must be made. Cheating is an abomination and should be dealt with sternly.
Sibling conflict can be alleviated by teaching children how to resolve their own conflicts, disallowing tattling (except in cases of safety or legitimate desire for parental intervention), and requiring verbal and physical kindness among siblings. Several ground rules must be established: no hitting or pushing, no unkind words, and esteem others above yourself.
Strong-willed children are understood in the context of parental philosophies. Children in child-centered families are often labeled as strong-willed. Parents should understand the influence of the sin nature and carefully train in light of passive or active determination. Working on the heart of the child as outlined in Growing Kids God’s Way can overcome these characteristics.
Hyperactivity is overcome by understanding the role and responsibility of the child and parent. Parents applying the principles in Growing Kids God’s Way overcome most or all of these determinations by working diligently on the heart of the child and training them to have self-control, without having to resort to prescribed drugs.
Chapter Sixteen ~ The Appeal Process:
The standard for children is a standard of first-time obedience. But how does one achieve this without exasperating the child or by requesting something that is unreasonable? How does one balance “Children be obedient…” and “Fathers do not exasperate…” (Col. 3:20, 21)? The appeal process offers the solution. The appeal process gives children a way to present new information to the parents, giving parents the option of altering the original instruction. Children can be exasperated if they have no way to give the parent new information. When carried out properly, the appeal process maintains the parent’s authority and makes obedience attractive to the child because he trusts his parents to be fair. It also reduces a child’s frustration, prepares him for a real-world relationship to authority, and develops self-control and character. There are several biblical examples of this process, including Daniel 1:8-16, Acts 25:11, and Philemon 10.
The appeal process begins with a child, around or about age five, who is generally characterized by first-time obedience. It is to be made once, humbly and quietly, and to the parent giving the instruction, with new information, not objections or opinions. The child asks, “May I appeal?” and the child must be willing to accept “No” as a response. It is not a forum to present likes and dislikes.
Remember the appeal process is a matter of trust. The child is trusting the parent to be fair and flexible, and the parent is trusting the child to bring new information that legitimizes the appeal process.
Chapter Seventeen ~ Building a Healthy Family:
What are the marks of healthy families? Our ministry to parents has afforded us a greater than average opportunity to observe and study the characteristics of healthy and not-so-healthy families. We have followed a number of their children from highchair graduation to high school graduation. And while not every healthy family will exhibit identical characteristics, it is our experience that they all demonstrate interdependence.
Even in the most natural and closest of human relationships, that of a parent and child, there is no guarantee of future rapport. Though both parties contribute to the strong or poor outcomes in the relationship, for the most part, parents remain in the “driver’s seat.” They can control or greatly influence the outcome due to the choices they make. One such choice deals with family structure. Are you an interdependent or an independent family? The first is more desirable; the second is dangerous.
What will your family identity be in another three, five, or ten years? Have you cultivated a team spirit in your home? Have you instilled a God-honoring value system into your children’s lives? Who else is raising our children? Family structures promote or hinder healthy parent-child relationships, as well as sibling-sibling relationships.
