“I’m trying to teach my toddler to share but he is very resistant to giving up anything. What can I do?”

As a parent, you will of course encourage your child to share, but you also must realize that sharing is an advanced moral and social skill for a tod­dler because it requires self-sacrifice. Self-sacrifice is not a resident virtue within the nature of toddlers. It is not that your child doesn’t share on occasion, but rather he can­not just turn off his sense of “me, myself and I” and instantly become ‘other-oriented’.

Two-year-olds are more inclined to self-play than they are cooperative play. For example, if you place three two-year-olds in the same room with similar toys, their natural inclination is to self-focus to the point of turning their backs to the other children and play by themselves. Very lit­tle social interaction is going to take place except when one child desires a toy that another is playing with and the first child attempts a ‘hostile takeover’.

The type of socialized play, where there is the give-and-take of sharing, usually begins between age three and four and rarely before. Right now the best thing you can do is to continue to encourage sharing the way you are, but accept the fact that it will be a while before a moral sense of sharing-and-sacrifice begins to have intrin­sic value and meaning to your toddler.

What Parents Should Know

In the early phase of toddler parenting, the concept of “training a toddler” is more dominant than “educating a toddler”. To train is to establish “patterns of behavior”, to educate is to establish “understanding of behavior”. We train toddlers how to act, behave and respond long before they are capable of being educated in the “why” behind their behavior. The process of actually educating a child begins around three years of age. What is the difference between training and educating?

Prior to age three, children do not have the reasoning ability to understand facts relevant to their present circumstances, nor do they care about your factual explana­tions. But your toddler does care about the determination of your resolve. Sometimes, less talk with a toddler is better because trying to offer adult logic and reason to your two-year-old is neither logical nor reasonable. These are little people lacking wisdom and life experiences, not adults. There is a better way.

Think through this example. Your tod­dler whines and you try to enlighten her as to why whining is unacceptable. You tell her that “people don’t like to hear whiny children”, or “if you keep whining, this is what is going to happen to you”. There is a better way.

Use Your Words

During the “training to educating” tran­sition, parents should try to elevate what is right and acceptable rather than what is wrong and unacceptable. When your toddler is asking for something but is not speaking clearly, or is whining or grunting and pointing, direct him or her with this phrase: “Use your words.” “Anna, use your words.” “Brody, use your words.”

“Use your words.” It doesn’t get much easier than that. We have a little twenty-month old friend Sasha, who, when want­ing to be picked up would raise her hands and make some strange, incoherent sounds, even though she actually knew the words ‘up’ and ‘please’. After hearing this con­cept, her parents began to encourage Sasha with the phrase, “Use your words”. Well, by mid-afternoon the next day, according to Mom, Sasha was using her words to com­municate her desires. “Up please” replaced her grunts and finger pointing in the air.

Constantly pointing a child toward what she should do facilitates the educa­tional process faster and better than con­stantly telling a toddler what not to do. This concept will become increasingly more important as we begin future chats relating to the development of your child’s ‘moral warehouse’ and the formation of the conscience, which begins to take shape around age three.

After waking from her afternoon nap, two-year-old Gracie predictably went to her father’s office, nudged him out of his seat and led him to the kitchen where she pointed to the crackers. Dad would oblige Gracie with two or three. When she pointed for more however, Dad would say “No”, and then brace himself for another round of meltdowns. How should Dad (or Mom), handle a challenge like this? Dad doesn’t want to spoil her dinner with snacks, nor go through another meltdown. But neither does he want to disappoint his daughter. Finding the right solution begins by look­ing for the actual cause. Just for a moment, we’ll step away from the world of a toddler and use an adult illustration to make the point.

One morning, Gary informs Anne Marie that he is going to prepare breakfast for both of them. In the kitchen, Gary puts out a couple of bowls for cereal and some milk. He then invites Anne Marie to join him. Gary’s menu selection of cold cereal did not evoke any disappointment from Anne Marie because she had no expecta­tions of what he was going to serve.

Now add this little twist. What if Gary said, “Hon, I’m going downstairs to make you the best breakfast you ever had, with all of your favorite breakfast foods.” Anne Marie eventually joins him in the kitchen only to discover two bowls of cereal and a glass of milk set out for her. The prob­ability is very high that she will experience some disappointment with Gary’s menu (even though she is much too kind to say so). This is because Gary created an expec­tation that was far greater than a bowl of cold cereal.

The point of this comparison is to show the natural link between failed expectations and disappointment. A similar response is also common in children. Gracie had expectations about her snack and her expectation led to disappointment because she was counting on something she did not get. In her little mind she planned the menu and wanted to control the number of crackers at snack time. So when Dad said “No” to extra crackers, disappointment was the natural reaction. What might the solution be? Someone in authority needs to manage Gracie’s expectations.

Instead of Gracie pulling Dad to the kitchen for a 4:00 pm snack, Dad should initiate the snack time with Gracie and not wait for her to come to him after napping. Dad needs to be the one taking Gracie to the kitchen. In this way, he is managing her snack expectations by removing it from her. In fact, when Dad became proactive with this solution, Gracie’s meltdowns ceased even though the fun snack time with Dad continued as normal.

Instead of expectation, you actually end up with the budding virtue of appreciation. We all tend to appreciate favors when we have no expectation. That became the case with Gracie. Here is the general principle — whenever you sense a meltdown com­ing on with your toddler, look first to see if the child has an unrealistic expectation. Is it an expectation that you can manage on his or her behalf? Once you grasp the principle of managing your child’s expec­tations it will become a handy tool for the next several years of your parenting.

What should a parent do when their child suddenly refuses to eat a food that up to yesterday was his favorite? Our first response is to tell you not to worry about it because this is not uncommon during the toddler phase. Children do not view food the way adults do. A favorite food is something they might delight in every day for two weeks while an adult can easily tire of the same food after two days. If the “all of a sudden” distaste happens with your little one, examine whether the challenge is a:

1. Nutrition Issue: The child needs the food because it is important to his diet.

2. Submission Issue: The child is saying “No” to Mom and not the food.

3. Appetite Issue: The child is hooked on preference.

4. Mommy Issue: “I’m the mother and you will learn to like this food!”

If the primary concern is nutrition, camouflage the item in other foods. Hide those formally favorite green beans in a scrambled egg, or mix them into your homemade goodies. If submission is the issue, this will show up in other areas throughout the day. Work on “Mommy knows best” in the moments of challenge rather than make food the issue. If it’s an appetite issue, revisit the types of treats offered during the day. And lastly, if it is a ‘Mommy’ issue, offer small samples of food without insisting the child eat everything. Be patient. One day your child will enjoy the same foods the family enjoys.

Choosing Your Battles Well

What if you know your toddler likes a particular food, but stubbornly refuses to eat it? Here is a story we first shared in the Preparation for the Toddler Years series that had a happy and productive ending. One day eighteen-month-old Jenna decided to go on a fruit strike. She knew if she waited long enough, Mom might give in and substitute some fun tasting carbo­hydrates in place of her banana. But Mom had other plans. Realizing a pattern was developing and knowing bananas were a favorite food, Mom served Jenna a small portion and then applied her motherly resolve. Jenna protested. That is when her highchair was moved to a boring spot in the kitchen and the battle of the wills began. An hour-and-a-half later, Jenna surren­dered to Mom and the bananas were gone. (Yes, there was some fussing but it was matched by motherly wisdom, calm and resolve.) End of story? Not yet. The next morning Mom placed a serving of bananas on Jenna’s plate.

We wish we could report all went perfectly on day two, but Jenna went on strike again. This time however, only for forty-five minutes. Suddenly, the bananas were gone and Jenna was happy. The next day, Mom offered a few grapes with the bananas. The fruit-hunger strike was over in ten seconds. Since that episode, Jenna eats whatever Mom places in front of her. For Jenna’s Mom, this was a combination of three issues; nutrition, submission and appetite. All three became players in the scenario, but all three were conquered with Mom’s resolve in keeping Jenna in the highchair until her meal was done. Please note that Mom did not have a need to win this battle for her sake. She was motivated to win it for Jenna’s sake. Will this strategy work for all children? We don’t know. But without resolve or clear nutritional goals, food challenges will begin to grow with your toddler in frequency and complexity.

It is truly an amazing thing to be a parent. It may not always feel amazing, but it always is amazing. I’ve lately been looking into my family heritage and I’ve been touched by the things I’ve found. I’ve found Christians and pagans, rulers and slaves, individuals who changed the world and others who let the world change them. I’ve been struck by the variety and also the similarities. Probably few of those I have researched ever imagined that some quirky descendant hundreds of years after them would be reading their life story on Wikipedia! That’s one of those amazing things about having children: Legacy.

Truly the Psalmist said it aright when he penned that, “Sons are a heritage from the Lord” and they are “like arrows in the hands of a warrior.” After all, what exactly do arrows in the hands of a warrior do but go beyond that warrior? They shoot from the warrior’s position and accomplish what the warrior cannot from his location. They are more than knife or sword that stay with the warrior. They fly from the hands reaching places we cannot reach and perhaps never even imagined.

I don’t know about you, but that’s what I want for my children. I want to them to go beyond me, to accomplish more than I have, to experience more of all God has for them. But why is it that so many only seem to repeat history? I’m afraid a good amount of the responsibility could go to the warrior. After all, he was the one who was aiming and shooting. While children eventually have all the responsibility for what they chose to do in life, the warrior has some responsibilities while the arrow is still in his hands!

The Arrow. While we are not expecting to release perfect “arrows” or children, we need to be inspecting them and, to the best of our ability, be smoothing out the barbs and flaws we can see. Of course, we are not God and we are dependent on Him to do the heart-work in our children, but we are responsible to help our children in being prepared to fly — not only in the natural areas, but also the spiritual. We need to be the ones instructing our children in righteousness. We need to be seeking the Lord, listening for Him to tell us what He wants us to work on with our children. When my arrows fly off the bow, I want them to fly straight, not wavering because they were not smoothed well by me.

The Target. Where are our arrows flying to? Are we just releasing them without aiming them, hoping they will hit something … anything? We need to be training and encouraging our children in the direction they are headed. Again, this needs to be our focus not just in the natural, but also the spiritual. Does your child have a career aspiration you can help him/her develop? Does your child have a ministry calling you can help him/her launch? What are your child’s hopes for the future? What are his/her spiritual gifts? Your children will go far when they are released with purpose!

The Shot. When shooting a bow and arrow, we must have sure footing, careful aim, strength to go the distance and the skill to let go at the proper time. What is the foundation you are standing on as you shoot your arrows? When we have a foundation other than the Word of God, we will be shooting in vain. What is your aim? Speak words of life and hope over your children. Do you have the strength? When we are too busy and distracted to take aim and shoot with purpose and strength, I’m not sure we can expect to hit the target or even send the arrow flying. Are you ready to release? Releasing either too soon or too late will negatively affect your arrow’s flight. Release too soon and it won’t fly far. Release too late and it will drop at your feet.

Yes, being a parent is amazing. So much hangs on what we do. There is so much purpose and calling locked up in each child and the Lord calls upon us to help release it! I want my children to be instruments of change in the world. That’s what legacy is all about. So fly, my arrows, FLY!

SCRIPTURE:

“For I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the LORD by doing what is right and just.” Genesis 18:19

FUN IDEA OF THE QUARTER:

Okay, I know the idea of a Family Night has been hammered into our American thinking, but it’s an idea that is so good, it deserves revisiting. Sometimes, things get so hectic that it can be the first thing to be sacrificed, but we need to stand our ground and refuse to allow it to be stolen from us! Family Nights are a vital time to reconnect and spend time in camaraderie.

We recently found out that one of our children hates to play games! We were astounded as this is what our family time has generally revolved around. Although we will never give up playing games (if we gave up everything one member of the family dislikes, we’d never do anything!), she can look forward to having an equal opportunity to choose what we do – and she can learn to cope with the likes of others!

Try fishing around for new ideas for your Family Nights if they have gotten a bit stale. Find a new card game on the internet for free or purchase a new board game. Try getting together with another family for games once in a while. What about a walk around the neighborhood followed by a fun movie? Can you bake together? Brainstorm ideas as a family! And have FUN!!!

Permission granted by Tim and Ami Loper of Miracle Books.