Introduction by Anne Marie Ezzo

As 2010 comes to its conclusion and the New Year begins, it is good to be reminded of the fundamentals of family life. And what is more fundamental than the Genesis 2:18 account of creation? It is here that we learn of man’s aloneness and God’s intention to create a suitable helper for him—one he would not rule over like the animals nor worship like God. She will be like man himself, the same but different, created for a purpose. Being in my fourth decade of married life, I continue to grow in my appreciation of what it means to be a ‘suitable helper’. The blending of two people into one does not mean we both do the same thing or always think the same way, but it does require that we recognize the value and contribution that our spouse brings to the relationship. This is not always the easiest thing to do, because the oneness that God desires begins with two flawed people hoping to experience a blemish-free ‘oneness’ of marriage. The article below, shared with us by Valarie Plowman speaks to this point. It provides a timely reminder and a worthy thought to end one year and begin the next.

Blessings,

Anne Marie

Understanding the Marriage Equation

I once heard a teacher at church share that 1+1=1. Huh? Was the teacher really bad a math? No, he was actually talking about the marriage relationship and how we should become unified as ‘one’. This ‘oneness’ is something God commanded in Genesis 2:24 when speaking of the husband and wife relationship. But how can you achieve ‘oneness’ when you have two people, with differing strengths and weaknesses, raised in different families, with different customs, traditions, values, likes and dislikes?

In our early dating, engagement, and even often our early marriage months, we fail to see the flaws of our spouse. As the saying goes, love is blind. Anything we may have noticed, we took that blind eye and turned it. As time starts to pass, once the vows have been said, we start to really see these flaws in a magnified way, and even find ourselves annoyed by silly things involving things like toothpaste and toilet paper.

We start to realize how differently we do even simple, everyday tasks. Hopefully, we will have the maturity to note the ways that are better than ours as well as the ways that are neither better nor worse but simply different. And hopefully, we can recognize that different can be good and can really enhance ourselves and bring us further than we would ever go alone.

This is the amazing part about marriage. When we look at our personal flaws and weaknesses, they often are the very strength of character and available talents present in our partner. I have discovered that my husband’s strengths are a counter-balance to my weaknesses as mine are to his.

Working on personal behavioral flaws might actually be easier than working on personal weaknesses, for the latter speaks of the lack of talent, aptitude, or skill level that our spouse seems to possess in abundance. But this inequity is also served by marriage. For example, my husband is a very ‘outside the box’ thinker, while I am very happy to stay within in the confines of what I am most familiar with. Both ways of thinking can be good. My husband is constantly working on ingenious new ways to solve age-old problems. But even he will admit that there are times when he doesn’t see the time-tested ways are sometimes the best ways of doing things. On the other hand, I can list the five best ways something has been done before, but I tend to miss out on new and innovative ideas because I am so focused on the limitations brought on by traditional thinking.

What is the point of all of this? God has a unique way of allowing the strengths of our soul mates to influence us to the good . . . if we let them. Alone, I am quite incomplete, but as a couple, we move closer to the ‘oneness’ God intended. Thus marriage is what God uses to help bring each other into harmony with His purpose and therefore cause 1+1 to = 1.

Sixth Edition Workbooks Now Available

In September of 2010,Growing Families introduced the new and expanded PFP DVD series containing five visits that tracks two newborns and their families from birth to six months of age. To compliment the new DVD presentation we also revised and updated the student workbooks. The changes are significant! Please take note of the contrast between the previous 2006 edition and the latest 2010 edition.

Content Changes

There is usually only one reason an author changes a book and that is to make the content clearer. That was our goal with the latest 2010 release of Preparation for Parenting. While there are significant revisions in every chapter, the major changes are found in Chapters Five, Six, Seven and the appendixes.

Chapter Five, Taking Care of Mom and Baby, is completely new and speaks to the ‘normal’ characteristics of a newborn that health care professionals will use to evaluate growth & development from birth onward. The second section discusses many of the physical and emotional postpartum challenges a mother might possibly face while caring for herself and her baby.

Chapter Six: Managing Your Baby’s Day replaces the 2007 version of Establishing Your Baby Routine. This is not simply a title change for the chapter, but a completely different way of approaching how to manage a baby’s routine and how to recognize the five major feed-wake-sleep transitions of the first year.

Chapter Seven: Waketimes and Naps use to be the shortest chapter in the book, now it is one of the longest. The chapter not only addresses the various waketime and nap transitions, but provides an expanded discussion of the thirty-two possible reasons why a baby might wake early from his naps and how his mother can recognize the cause and make the appropriate naptime corrections.

Appendix 1-8: The appendices contain charts, worksheets, week by week growth summaries and expanded discussions relating to infant care and growth transitions.

Margin Notes: Similar to the Growing Kid’s God’s Way workbook, the latest edition of Preparation for Parenting contains margin comments on every page. These comments are expanded notes on specific points in the general reading or related thoughts not directly discussed in the text but pertinent to the topic.

Leader’s Note:

As a reminder to those leaders who ran Preparation for Parenting classes between September & November 2010, using the new DVD series but with the 5th edition workbooks: Please remember to call GFI customer service (800) 474-6264 to obtain the replacement sixth edition workbooks at the special rate of $3.00 per book (plus shipping). GFI will only match the quantity of books shipped in the original order and only until January 31st.

Our dear Growing Families community,

These last few days before Christmas our focus, unfortunately tends to default to purchasing those last minute gifts or addressing the envelopes for the Christmas cards that probably will not make it in time. We hope the following thoughts from our friend Denise Brewer will help you, as it did us, to re-focus on the Person of Christmas and the greatest gift that any of us can receive. Denise very succinctly, provides an illustration for even our youngest parents in understanding the importance of making sure our children understand the purpose of why Jesus came down to earth. While we celebrate His birth, the ultimate celebration is because He came to provide us our ‘second birth’.

Christmas blessings and our love,

Gary & Anne Marie

As God Pleases, Dispose the Day

By Hebrew custom the first-born son inherits a double portion of inheritance.  Yet, in the Old Testament there are illustrations of blessings going to the second born son.    The twins Esau and Jacob are one such example.  Another example is the familiar story of Isaac, the second born son of Abraham.

God promised Abraham a son.  Yet, Abraham was old and his wife Sarah was way past child bearing years and had been barren their entire married life.  Abraham and Sarah believed God but became anxious and decided to help God out.  Under the Nuzi law’s of Ur in Babylon, the home Abraham left when called by God; it is legal to have a child with a servant and the child becomes the couple’s legal heir with all rights of a natural child.  So Sarah convinced Abraham to sleep with her handmaid, who conceived and bore Ishmael, their first born son; born according to the law. God made it known to Abraham that Ishmael was not the child He promised and assured him that the son would come through his wife Sarah and the promises of blessing God made to Abraham would be passed through this second son.   As God said, it was done.  They named their second born Isaac.

What is to be made of these stories where the Lord brings forth His promises through a second birth, not the traditional first birth?  What is the Lord trying to teach us in the picture types of these historical figures?   Let’s jump forward to the third chapter of the Gospel of John, where a man named Nicodemus comes inquiring of the Lord and is told “unless you are born again, you cannot see the kingdom of God.   And, Nicodemus replies, “How can a man be born again when he is old?  He can’t enter a second time into his mother’s womb can he?”   Jesus explains that the second birth is a spiritual birth.  He states, “That which is born of the flesh is flesh and that which is born of the Spirit is Spirit”.

Every human being is born in the flesh, meaning we are born with sin natures.  Now some people might try to argue that we are born sinless, a blank slate, but in our conscience we know that is not true.  Consider my daughter who as a baby took some Chocolate out of a box, while I was on the phone in another room.  When I returned I had to hunt for her.  I found her in the bathroom, hiding behind the toilet, her little face covered in chocolate.  So why, when she had never been instructed not to touch what was in the box, did she know that is was wrong and that she needed to crawl away and hide?  It is the same with all children.  No one has to instruct them how to hit their sibling when they get angry, or tell a lie, or throw a tantrum to get what they want!  They do these things naturally, without instruction, because it is their nature to do so.

The worst part of this sin nature is that death is the end result that accompanies it.  This is what Jesus was explaining to Nicodemus.  Unless you have a second birth into a different nature, you will live enslaved to that sin nature unto death.  Jesus goes on to tell him about being born a second time; in the Spirit.  He states that His Father “so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life”.  This belief in Christ is what ushers us into a second birth, and it is by our spiritual birth that we become children of God and heirs to the promises of God.

Galatians four explains this to us with the illustration we began with; the story of Abraham and Sarah.  Their first born son was born of a slave and was conceived in the flesh.  When Sarah was ninety-one years old, God miraculously produced life from a dead womb.  Just like Isaac, when we accept Christ as our Savior, we are born out of something that was dead.  And also like Isaac we “second born” children are heirs to the promises of God.  Christ redeemed us from the curse of the Law… in order that in Christ Jesus the blessing of Abraham might come to all mankind, so that we might receive the promise of the Spirit through faith (Gal 3:14).

May this Christmas be a season of gratefulness to Christ for His gift of eternal life through spiritual rebirth.  May the season also be one of growing anticipation to His second coming when we will see Christ and receive the rest of the promises of our inheritance.

As God pleases, dispose the day © 2010 is an electronic devotional by D. A.  Brewer.   All Bible quotations are from the New American Standard Version, © 1993 Lockman Foundation and used by permission.  The title “As God pleases, dispose the day” is a quote from Henry V by William Shakespeare.

While the following article was written regarding children with ‘special needs’, it really applies to us all, both parent and child. I do hope it brings each of you read it the same encouragement the Lord provided me.

Blessings as we “help our kids become all that they were created to be!” bi-line from Special Heart website.

Anne Marie

This is a cry that most parents have heard from each one of their kids at one time or in one form or another.  But this feeling of not belonging is more than a once-in-a-while occurrence for the child who has different challenges than most kids have.  The feeling of being different and alone is often something that our special kids have to live with.

As parents, we want to help all we can, but I know from experience that we can feel completely helpless—the birthday parties that our daughter or son wasn’t invited to, the lonely times on the playground or in the lunchroom, finding oneself alone when everyone else seems to have found his or her “crowd.” So there our child stands or sits—all alone.  And there we stand as a parent—with a broken heart.

There are things we can do to help, such as teaching our kids good grooming, how to make eye contact, how to catch on to the subtle communication and nonverbal cues that make a kid more likely to be accepted, as well as how to show an interest in others.  All these things help and we should do all that we can to assist our kids in being accepted by their peers.

But I realized a long time ago that I couldn’t go around and wave a magic wand and make everyone like and accept my kids!  As parents we can weary ourselves trying to do the impossible.  OR we can work on something better–helping our children be comfortable with who they are no matter what anyone else may think or how they might respond to them.

My son and I recently listened to former president George W. Bush doing interviews with various people about his book that has recently come out.  At one point, George Bush basically said this:  “When my approval rate was at 90%, I didn’t care.  When it was at 30%, I didn’t care either—because chasing after popularity is just a flash that comes and goes.  My goal is just to be who I am and to do the right thing as I see it.”

I saw this as a golden opportunity for discussion!

After Brad and I listened, we talked about how the loyalty and friendships of people can be fickle, and one day people may include you and value your friendship, and the next day they may decide that they don’t want to hang out with you, or even be seen with you.  Our lives and our joy can’t depend on how people are feeling about us at any given moment.

This all really resonated with my son because although people like him well enough, most of his peers and acquaintances just don’t have the patience to include him in any significant way, because it takes a lot of effort and time to make this happen due to his physical disability.  So he finds himself mostly alone.

Brad seemed to find a sense of relief as we talked that although having friends is a good thing, being popular and included is not the necessary ingredient to having a fulfilling and successful life.

And it was not only Brad who was helped by this discussion, but I also thought of the times that I have been rejected, ignored, misunderstood, insulted, and forgotten, often because of our family’s life situation.  These were times I tried to lift my head up high and remind myself that I was OK because, as the bumper sticker used to say, “God don’t make no junk!”  And that’s exactly the message we should instill into the heart of our special child.

Brad and I also talked about others who have faced these kinds of things and how they handled it.  King David was loved by Israel until Absalom (his own son) came and turned everyone’s heart toward himself, and David found himself forsaken and suddenly hated for no good reason. “Absalom stole away the hearts of the people of Israel.”  (See the story in 2 Samuel 15) David felt this rejection deep in his heart, and he “wept” as he fled from those who had turned against him.

It is believed that David wrote Psalm 63 when he was fleeing from his son and those who suddenly hated him.  He gives many telling insights in this psalm about how he endured his plight, such as,

“…in the shadow of your wings I sing for joy.  My soul clings to you.”

Are these thoughts too lofty for kids to grasp?

I asked my husband that question and he said, “I would say yes, except when I try to think about the options, trusting God is really the only thing that works.”   I can always count on Mike for a good pragmatic answer!  And it’s true.  God has made us all, including our kids who have challenges, to find rest and fulfillment in having Him not only as Lord, but as a best friend, one who never changes His mind about us and who never has a bad mood or selfish motive.

Sure, these attitudes won’t happen overnight, for with most kids, the pressure to be “in with the in crowd” is strong.  But keep gently turning your special child’s focus toward the Friend who never stops loving.  If your child has a cognitive challenge, speak truth to her in spite of her challenge.  I believe God can use His Word to touch any and every heart. If your child is on the autism spectrum and seems not to care much about relationships, speak to him about the Friend who wants to help him in everything he does.  Know that there is something in his heart that is hungry for God.

There is a wonderful irony that tends to take place when kids (people) are secure enough to be who they are and not fall apart if people don’t seem to like them.  Suddenly, others are attracted to the person who has confidence even when he or she stands alone, and friendships are much more likely to happen.

Concerning your own broken heart when you see that your child is at times rejected, realize that most of his self esteem comes from home. So he’ll be more than OK if you love him and teach him of God’s love toward him.

Copyright 2010 Bev Linder www.special-heart.com Used with permission.

Once again our friend Pastor Joe shares some words of wisdom, and  a timely reminder for parents regarding the topic of  biblical discipline. As a Dad himself, he speaks from personal application and understanding the struggles every parent  deals with at one time or another. Hope his words will serve as both encouragement and where needed admonishment. Do not grow weary in your well doing Dad & Mom  … in due season.

Blessings,
Anne Marie

Rare is the person that likes to be disciplined.  Rare is the person that likes to discipline.  Yet discipline is necessary for growth and development.  What we recognize and accept in all other areas of our lives, we often struggle with as parents.  We accept the discipline of a coach knowing that his intention is to help the athlete perform better. We accept the discipline in academics knowing that the teachers’ intention is to help us master the required material.  Should we be surprise that even God uses discipline to help his followers grow and develop?  Why then is discipline in parenting such a problem for followers of Christ today?

The Biblical concept of “discipline” is more than just the correction that we often think of.  The apostle Paul gives us a glimpse of the Biblical meaning of discipline in Bible times in a passage on how the Scriptures help us grow.  “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness.” (2 Timothy 3:16) The first truth we must grasp is that discipline is a process.  That is what is communicated in the last phrase “training in righteousness.”  Originally the word used here was synonymous with child training, and specifically used in the time of Paul to describe chastisement.  The context of the passage however reveals that Paul is using this term to describe the ongoing process of discipline that produces growth.  It is in the previous three phrases of this verse that Paul reveals the process.

The first step in the process is “teaching.”  Biblical discipline involves the instruction of what is right and what is wrong.  This is important for a parent to remember that proper instruction precedes right behavior.  All too often our frustration with our child’s behavior problems is because we have not taken the time to teach them.  Let’s remember our kids are not mind readers!  And just as it takes us several times to “get it” the same is true with our child.  One of the best ways to “teach” your children is by giving them the moral reason why.  It is also very helpful to save the “teaching moment” for a time of non-conflict when tempers are cooled and attitudes are teachable.

The next step is the one that is often avoided.  It is the need to “rebuke” wrong.  Just as the Scriptures challenge our misbehavior and wrong beliefs so must the parent.  The term for rebuke speaks of exposing sin, sinful behavior and sinful attitudes.  This step reminds parents that we cannot ignore wrong behavior and attitudes in our children. Often a child will reveal the attitude of their heart with a “puchy” bottom lip, crossed arms, rolling of the eyes, or even sighs of frustration.  A wise parent will address these issues with the appropriate form of correction.  Correction could involve a word of admonition, related consequences (i.e. loss of a privilege), time spent in their room as a warning to change their attitude before they disobey, or even chastisement.  The focus here is not on punishing wrong behavior, but correction with the goal of helping the child get back on track.

The last step in the discipline process is that of “correcting.”  The word literally means “setting up straight again.”  If instruction provides the standard, rebuking addresses the wrong then correction helps get the child back on the right track.  In the parenting process, correction includes repentance, forgiveness and restoration.  This is the place where there is prayer, communication of a parent’s love with a hug, even a brief word of instruction on what is expected and possible restoration of relationships (i.e. asking forgiveness of a wronged sibling) and if necessary restitution.

The Bible reminds us, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11

-Pastor Joe Parkinson