Whether a couple actually has a child with ‘special needs’, we all at one time or another have stressful situations arise that can challenge our marriage relationship. Gary & I have known the Linder’s since the late 1980’s and have watched them, close up as with their daughter Kristie and then from a distance with their two sons. Below is a portion of their story as it relates to marriage. We hope you will be encouraged by their testimony.

Blessings,

Gary & Anne Marie

My husband Mike and I have had three children.  Our daughter Kristie died at age three, our son Brad was born with the same muscle condition as Kristie and has survived many surgeries and lots of “close calls.”  And it hasn’t always been a piece of cake with our so-called “typical”son either!  Yes, we like you, have had our share of amazing parenting times!

And what happens to the blissful couple, who just before the kids arrived, were head-over-heals in love with each other? What happens when reality sets in, especially when it comes to difficult parenting times?  I haven’t found any real reliable source for statistics, but the figure that keeps coming up on Google articles is that the divorce rate for couples who have kids with special issues is about 80 percent.

Mike and I found ourselves at a coffee shop recently (a sign that our kids are growing up and life is not quite as intense as previous years), and decided to write down some thoughts about how we have survived marriage—having come out a bit exhausted, but hanging in there, stronger in our faith, and—believe it or not—still in love after 29 ½ years .

These are little tidbits, and obviously marriage is a lot more complicated than tidbits.  But on the other hand, sometimes simple gestures of kindness and respect can reverse strongholds.  Some of these things we have learned the hard way, and most (really all), we are still working on!

Mike:  Work with what you have been handed. For our family, for example, sledding looked different. Brad wasn’t able to balance on a sled when he was little, so we discovered that he could “sled” with the best of them inside a recycling bin (a kind of plastic box that slides very nicely on snow).   There’s usually a way to make things work, even for kids with limitations.

Once we learned that orthopedic appointments entailed waiting 2 to 4 hours to see the doctor, we would come equipped with plenty of snacks and games. The waiting room became a party room and the scene where the new world’s champion was crowned for winning the most rounds of Crazy Eights.

Critical care units brought us together with others who we could minister to when they also needed it most.

When we have had to travel for surgery, getting there a couple days early makes room for time at the zoo, or the beach, or the historic district, etc.  We were fortunate to have a surgeon in San Diego.  There’s nothing like getting drenched with water by a killer whale at Sea World the day before surgery is scheduled to forget about your troubles.

Today is the life God has given you. Make it the best it can be. If you do that as a couple you can make good memories together to go along with some you would just as soon forget, and you discover with Paul that “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” (Phil 4:13)

Bev: Don’t compare your spouse, your kids, or your life to anyone else. Don’t think that the “good life” is somewhere else.  It’s a lie to believe that.  Embrace the family and the life that God has given you and in the end you just might find that you have a greater treasure than most people have experienced. The Apostle Paul said, “I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I find myself.” (Philippians 4:11)  Don’t miss out on the “good life.”  It’s right where you are!

Mike:  I am energized watching the flawless teamwork of a double play that gets a pitcher who is in trouble off the hook and out of a difficult inning. (As long as it is my team that turned the double play). We can bring some needed teamwork to our home and help to get our wife out of a tough time.

When you come home, if you pick up a large part of the load she carries when you are away, it can make what is too much for one, do-able. That might mean taking charge of night time routines. For me, cooking dinner would be a curse rather than a blessing, but I am an expert at getting the most dishes into a dish washer.  If you are off on Saturday, it can be a good time to take charge of the house and suggest your wife do what she wants with no rush and no one to take care of. Ecclesiastes 4:9 so greatly applies to the couple raising a child with harder-than-average challenges: “Two are better than one…if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion.”

Bev: Make your home a happy place. Women can set the mood, the tone of the entire household.  Cook special meals for your family, decorate the home to be a warm and inviting place, and most of all show forth a contented spirit.  Oh, the power of a smile coming from the lady of the house! Make your home an inviting place for your husband to come home to. It will wash away much of the stress and anxiety of his life to arrive home to a happy atmosphere.  “A cheerful heart has a continual feast.”

(Proverbs 15:15)  What about when one of your children has what seems to be continual needs and stressful situations?  All the more reason to make your home a refuge in as many ways as you are able.

Mike: Be a source of joy in your home. There have been times we have survived in spite of me not doing this, but it sure made it harder.  I am working on having a joyful spirit because the stress of our life situation has tended to produce in me a “heavy” spirit.

In my marriage I have observed my wife doing ok with the challenges of the needs in our home and living above the storm, until I show up down in the dumps. It’s possible for everyone to go under when one person isn’t doing his part.

I am talking over with God the state of joy in my life on a regular basis lately and reminding Him and myself that I want Him to be in charge of my demeanor.  It’s a wonderful thing when I can come through the door and have a spirit of enthusiasm that helps everyone else to look on the bright side of life.

Bev: Don’t let the stress make you unkind to each other. How about a real recent example…like today… This week my son Brad has had a bad cold and we were pleased how well he handled it all week. Because of his weakness, he usually ends up in respiratory distress.  Today, the congestion finally got the better of him.  His oxygen was in the 70’s (supposed to be in the 90’s) as he tried to get rid of the last of the congestion.

I called my husband at work because he has been paying monthly to have some oxygen tanks around “just in case.”  Good idea.  But one problem.  The regulator that enables the oxygen to flow out of the tank was not with the tanks (meanwhile, Brad is not getting enough oxygen–stressful, stressful!)  So I rather accusingly said to my husband on the phone, “A lot of good it does to have oxygen tanks with no regulator!” And God’s Spirit within me reminded me to “chill out” and say no more. A stressful moment is not the time to “communicate.” Proverbs says, “how delightful is a timely word!” (15:23)

You know, I’ve always thought that Joyce Meyer’s book, Me and My Big Mouth should have been written by me!   But the good news is God is making me more careful, more kind, and a better wife, by His grace, as time goes by.  So even if you happen to have a “big mouth” like I do, seek God’s power to change you.  He will!  (By the way, we got everything worked out and Brad is doing just fine )

Do you notice that the changes in my husband and me have taken time? Be committed to your spouse while God works in him or her.  That commitment is the glue that will hold your family together, and I believe that you will eventually see the “good life” become a reality in your home, not as defined by the world, but in an even better way!

Mike and Bev Linder

www.special-heart.com

This week we kicked off a new sermon series in our church.  It is a series that focuses on an area that is near and dear to each parent’s heart, helping your kids succeed.  A recent survey that we conducted revealed that this is a desire that we as parents share in common.  While the desire of parents is clear, many parents are in a fog as to what it takes to help their kids be successful!

Many years ago I had the responsibility of hiring personnel for our department in a small computer company.  During that time I processed a stack of resume’s and cover letters and interviewed a number of candidates.  One thing that I learned was the importance of character.  I realized that we could train individuals to fix computers but we could not develop their character.  Let me explain.  We could not train them to be at work on time.  We could not teach them to practice good hygiene.  We could not teach them to be honest.  We could not teach them to work hard.  Yet all these moral character qualities are necessary to be successful in the work place.

Over the next several weeks I am going to focus on “Helping Your Kids Succeed.”  Today, I want to look at what is a successful kid.  I am sure that for many parents, success might be defined by what our kids avoid, like drugs, alcohol, sex outside of marriage, bad friends or even getting caught up with materialism.  But does an avoidance of these, and a myriad of other bad practices, make our kids a success?  On the other hand, maybe you would define success by the positive things your kids accomplish.  Do making good grades, sporting or academic accomplishments, earning a college degree, landing a good paying job or even finding a great spouse make our kids (and our parenting) a success?  These are important questions, because your definition of success will determine how you parent.  Let me say that I am for avoiding the negatives listed above and pursuing the positives also mentioned but the Bible calls us as parents to shoot for something much better.

Believe it or not, the Bible has much to say about success and successful kids.  It contains a whole collection of insights from a father to his son.  What makes these writings especially valuable is that the smartest dad that has ever lived wrote them.  He also happened to be a man of unimaginable wealth, King over a huge kingdom and a man with incredible intellect and abilities.  We know this dad as King Solomon and his collection of wise sayings as the Bible book of Proverbs.

In what many believe is a key verse for what he is trying to say to his son, Solomon states, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge” Proverbs 1:7 As you read through Proverbs you realize that Solomon does address the challenges of life like ill-gotten gain, pride, bad friends, sex and a number of other issues.  He also talks about what it takes to be respected, wealthy, and satisfied in life.  But he is careful to communicate that true success is a dynamic relationship with the Lord.  And the key, as Solomon puts to his son, in your heart.  “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Proverbs 4:23 He says this because he knows how important moral character qualities are to be successful in life and that these qualities are the byproduct of a relationship with Jesus Christ.

Next week, I want to touch on the importance of training a child’s heart.  Until then, let me encourage you to stop and consider how important moral character training is to success in life! Let’s not be satisfied to have our kids avoid poor choices or accomplish great things because of outside pressure or consequences but because they love to do what is right from a heart for God!

Pastor Joe

A while back, I hoped in the car and backed out of our driveway.  It was then that I noticed that the car was just not responding right.  It seemed to be a little sluggish.  It took a few moments to notice that the dash, “brake”, light was lit before I realized that the parking break had been set!  Now, if the parking brake had been set hard, I would have noticed it right away because the vehicle would be unable to move.

The same thing can happen in our spiritual lives.  Reading through the book of Hebrews I was reminded of several obstacles to living for God that confront mature believers and what we can do to stay on track.

Stay Careful for Holiness.  The writer of Hebrews challenges us to avoid being careless with sin.  “If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth” Hebrews 10:26 NIV The longer that you are a Christian, the easier it is to become carelessness with sin.  I am talking about the little sins, like compromises in our though life or the use of our tongue.  Yet, sin is sin.  The context of this passage reminds us that not only does it bring God’s correction (and here) but it also dulls our desire for Godly living.  It is our focus on ourselves that draws us away from God.  The other side effect is that it damages our relationships with others.  King David, as a young man, realized that getting God’s truth into his mind would help him to stay focused on Godly living.  Why not make it a goal this year to memorize at least one Bible verse a month?  You will be pleasantly surprised how God uses those verses to keep you on track.

Stay Consistent with Spiritual Habits.  One of the greatest struggles as we age in Christ is to let off the gas and begin to cruise.  We let the spiritual habits of Bible reading, prayer, small group and church attendance slip.  Many times our familiarity with the message and practices of the Christian life can lead to laziness.  The end result is we stop maturing spiritually and the ministry of Jesus through us to our family, our community and our church slows to a trickle.  One good reason to be diligent is because others are depending on us!  The solution is to be doggedly persistent with our spiritual practices. Why not make your devotional time with God the first thing you do each day?

Stay Excited about Ministry.  The writer of Hebrews also identifies the dangers of weariness and discouragement.  No doubt about it, the Christian life and ministry are hard.  Getting everyone ready for Church on a Sunday morning can seem like raising the dead, let alone finding time to get there early and serve others.  The challenges of working with other fallen individuals can quickly rob one of the joys of serving.  The lack of resources both financial and people can often push us to the edge of physical and emotional exhaustion.  The solution is not to quit, but to keep our focus on Christ and his priorities.  The Bible never promises that Christian service will be easy but it does promise to be rewarding.  We are also reminded that a right focus on Christ will be a source of strength.  Over the years, I have found ministry done with the right focus to be a great energizer in my life!

When is that last time you’ve checked the parking brake in your life.  Maybe it is keeping you back from all the things Christ wants to do through you!

-Pastor Joe Parkinson

With children either just back to school or looking toward vacation, let alone homework or chores that need to be done, every parent at one time or another will deal with a ‘distracted child’. Whether the child is ‘characterized’ by such behavior or just an occasional distraction, even the most patient mom seems to become frustrated when something is not done in a timely manner, let alone the mom who is learning to ‘develop patience’. Belinda Letchford who lives in a remote part of Western Australia wrote the following article. Belinda and her husband are GFI-Australia leaders, she also serves as a Contact Mum and home schools their 4 children. You can read more on her blog http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/belindaletchford. I personally thought the following would be helpful to anyone dealing with the distracted child and for those with younger children, there are some good principles to put into action as you are training your little ones in 1^st time obedience, focusing on virtue of diligence and perseverance. Remember; begin as you mean to go.

Blessings, Anne Marie

It is a never-ending task (or at least it seems like it is) when one of you children is easily distracted.  We (the mums) seem to be forever reminding, following up, and catching up because they didn’t get to it!

Here are a few things that I’m working on at the moment: Clear understanding of what needs to be done haven’t used Managers of their Chores, but one of my friend’s has used the tool from Mangers of their Chores, which is to make a wearable list so that the child has it with them throughout chore time, until they report back to Mum to say all is done.  Seems like a good idea for the distractible child.

When I consider how I best stay on track (and my mother wrote lists for me at 10 years old because I kept forgetting what she told me to do), I work best if my list is written up fresh.  I love the idea of a check list that is photocopied and is the same every day etc but reality is if I write the list, if I process as I’m writing then I do better.  I wonder if my distractible child is the same – more than likely!!

So instead of a reproducible check list that gets looked at each day I am going to write her a fresh list every day.  Yes, this will take time but… it will be time where we will be together, reviewing what needs to be done.  After all she isn’t remembering herself so she obviously needs more training!  As I write the list she’ll watch me and hear me as I talk about each task.  Involving more of her 5-senses has to be a good thing!

Simply done – we get together at the beginning of each chore session, I write a quick list of what is expected of her, talking about it as we go.  She takes the list and is responsible to bring it back to me – ticked off if she likes, when it is all done.  Hands on reminders!

Clear time frame My distractible child has a different understanding of time than I do. Her understanding of time is that it is a concept of space that needs to be filled with fun things!    We have talked about the fact that time is a set thing – I can’t create more time for her.  If she chooses to use her time unwisely, then she runs out of time for the things that she wants to do.  I cannot create more time.

A timer helps.  This then becomes her personal race against time, rather than a reaction against me.

Motivation – reward at the end I think a reward may help her as she develops this skill of staying focused and not being distracted.  The best reward I can think of, and it is a natural consequence that is consistent with anyone, is that when you complete a task on time, or earlier, you have free time.

I am going to ‘dangle’ free time as the reward/consequence of staying focused.  Free time to use as she desires.

Consequences If I look back at the consequences of her dawdling that I listed at the beginning of this post it seems that I suffer the consequences.  I am the one who completes the tasks she should have done, but ran out of time for.  I am the one that reminds, encourages, and coerces.  Shouldn’t be!

So first thing – I need to recognize the natural consequences of her dawdling (things not being done) and have her complete them in her play time.

My Responsibilities Whenever I start a training programme I have to look at my part to play not just the childs.

1. Have I trained (in this case, she has the skills for the tasks that have been given, but I will be helping her, guiding her to develop focus skills)
2. Does she have appropriate times to do the tasks assigned?
3. Do I follow up and inspect – she will push the limits if I’m not onto it and training will go down the tube!

How have you helped your child learn to focus?

Earlier this year we set our sights on scripting, writing and taping the GIFT series (a contemporary DVD presentation focusing on parenting children between the ages of three to eight years). However, in late January we took what we thought would be a short detour to update the Preparation for Parenting curriculum. That detour turned into a major journey leading to a fully revised DVD presentation and workbook. With the aide of sixty-member support cast and after eight hundred production hours, we are pleased to announce that the DVDs will be in the GFI warehouse on September 7, 2010, and available for U.S. shipping destinations on that date. If you are planning to lead a Preparation for Parenting class this fall, here are a few facts to consider when preparing your schedule.

Regarding the DVD series: Introductory Price: $39.00

Whether a seasoned Preparation for Parenting leader, or a first time purchaser the introductory price for the new series makes it very affordable to upgrade to the sixth edition. This introductory pricing expires on October 30, 2010. (Student workbooks are not included in the price.)

Regarding the updated 6^th edition Preparation for Parenting workbook:

While the newly revised Preparation for Parenting workbook were fully revised and expanded, the book will not be available until late October (2010). However, we have a workable alternative for those starting fall classes using the new sixth edition DVDs.

Regarding starting classes with New DVD series without the updated workbook:

For Prep classes starting this September or October, we suggest leaders provide each family a fifth edition Preparation for Parenting workbook and then replace it when the new sixth edition workbook becomes available. GFI will help underwrite this expense by offering the fifth edition workbook for $3.00 and the replacement sixth edition book for $3.00. Together, the total cost of the two books with shipping will be less then a standard order under normal circumstances.

As a Prep Leader, please note that class participants will not be utilizing the outlines found in the fifth edition workbook, but the weekly reading assignments will follow the sixth edition DVD presentation. Once the new books arrive in our warehouse upgrades will be available by calling the GFI customer care center. Specific upgrade instructions will be included with your order.

Regarding the content of the 6^th edition DVD presentation.

Motivated by the single goal of helping a new generation of expectant parents navigate the unfamiliar territory of nurturing a newborn, the sixth edition Preparation for Parenting series is immensely practical and understandable. The series contains five visits, tracking two newborns and their families from birth to six months of age. Fast moving, engaging and filled with visual examples, the new Preparation for Parenting appeals to the contemporary learning styles of the present generation while delivering the timeless message; that parenting in the mind of God is a Kingdom issue that has social implications.