Behavior & Discipline

1. Bribing Children
2. Children Biting
3. Children and Fears
4. Educational Component of Correction
5. Parenting Your Child’s Emotions
6. Proper Use of Rewards
7. Spanking
8. Sibling Conflict How to Prevent It.
9. Temper Tantrums
10. Whining

1. Bribing Children: The Bible says Bribes corrupt. Bribing parents barter with their children in hopes of gaining obedience. They use bribes, threats, or even scare tactics to gain temporary control of their children’s behavior. A bribe might sound like, “If you are a good boy in the store today, Mom will buy you a special treat.” An example of a threat might be, “If you are not a good boy in the store today, Mom won’t buy that special treat she promised you.” An example of a scare tactic might sound like, “If you’re not good in the store today, I will call up the orphanage to come and get you!”

Such verbal statements establish a false and improper motivation for obedience, thus devaluing obedience. Some parents train their children to obey for a bribe, rather than out of obedience to them. Their children respond because there is something in it for themselves. Children should be rewarded for their obedience but should not be obedient just to gain a reward. That distinction is important. What happens when a reward is no longer a substantial motivator? You are left with a child who is not moral on the inside or on the outside.

Children of bribing parents demonstrate several character and behavior patterns. They develop self-oriented tendencies and learn to manipulate others. Because they seek to be rewarded, they limit their ability to serve others unless they receive gratification. These traits are certainly not characteristics that God would have us develop in our children.

2. Children Biting: “I just received another report from his nursery teacher. My Tommy is biting other children and tearing their skin. What is the problem?” Anyone working with children will come across a similar query as above. Child biting is troublesome because it affects more than just the victims. It affects both sets of parents. Parents of the biter are often ashamed and frustrated over their child’s aggression. Parents of the victim are often angered by the behavior. To suggest that biting is normal for toddlers is like saying tooth decay is normal. It’s normal only because prevention did not take place.

Observation points us to certain constant negative environmental stimulants associated with biters. A noisy environment, inadequate sleep, lack of structure and routine, lack of boundaries in general and over-socialization are but a few. While all of these contribute to aggression in children to some extent, the last is most significant. Biters seem to be part of a group who are prematurely placed in social settings that overwhelm their senses. Clearly they are over-socialized by being placed in too many group activities. Some toddlers simply cannot handle the stress of “too many children around.” Group settings include church nurseries, day-care settings, and large birthday parties that may simply overwhelm these children. Biting then becomes a coping skill whenever the child senses encroachment or his own self-serving need is not met.

The only good news about biting is that it is temporary, although it will never be over soon enough for the victims. While biting might diminish, if not dealt with properly and early, the underlying aggression will simply change forms as the child grows. While your immediate solution will be isolation (time-out chairs are not effective), you still need to deal with the underlying problem. When a child bites, use your voice and facial expressions to show that biting are unacceptable. Speak firmly, have the child make eye contact with you while you express your dissatisfaction. The child, of course, needs to be isolated from potential victims, but the real solution is in changing his environment. The child’s world must be reduced socially.

At the first sign of biting, try to limit outside activities involving groups of children. This may temporarily include other toddler birthday parties, the church nursery and suspension of any play group activities. When allowing your child to participate in group activities, Mom can volunteer to sit in on the activity and observe her child. This will allow Mom to see what causes him to bite, and Mom can intervene when she realizes he is going to do so. Taking care of the problem in the early toddler phase can eliminate it all together in the preschool phase just around the corner.

3. Children and Fears: Fear is very much part of the human experience. Childhood fears are interwoven with other aspects of development. With the emergence of a child’s imaginative abilities, his fears become increasingly concerned with imaginary dangers. Some children have highly active imaginations. Because a child’s imagination develops more quickly than his rational side of thinking, he often exaggerates the dangers of any fear-provoking situation. While that might help adults understand what is going on it doesn’t take away the reality of fear for the child. The fact is all children are different, all have different experiences and that means some objects and situations are more fear provoking than others. Whether fears are rational or irrational, they are real to your child.

The process by which fear is acquired comes through indirect or intermediate steps. Children learn fear by observing how parents respond to differing situations. Parents may not respond fearfully but may make comments that evoke fear. For example, a Midwestern father generalizing the strength of a thunderstorm, comments to his wife, “The storm is going to blow our house away.” While the wife translates Dad’s statement to mean there’s a big storm coming, their two year old translates it as, “the house will blow away.” Thus the child exhibits fear of thunderstorms.

Childhood fears become associated with bad experiences. Fears can originate with visits to the dentist or doctors office, visiting a relative in the hospital or having an unpleasant experience with a dog or cat. Also, fear-provoking thoughts come through television. And while a child may not experience dangers directly, they do so vicariously through the picture tube or inappropriate videos.

In spite of the fact that fears vary from child to child, there is a range of typical fears in early childhood that include: loud noises, large animals, unfamiliar people, dark rooms, high places and the fear of being abandoned. While fear is a natural condition of childhood, there are some things parents can do to help reduce the incidents of fear or compensate for them.

Reducing the incidents results from reducing fearful stimuli. Proactively, a good place to start protecting your toddler from fear-provoking material is limiting his television or video watching. And please do not assume that all children’s videos are safe for your toddler, or that they lack fear-provoking material. Even the death of Dumbo’s mother can arouse insecurity in a two-year-old. Second, parents can prepare a child for potential fear-provoking stimuli by explaining beforehand what they might see or experience. Do not let your child wander off by himself to pet the horse tied to a hitching post. Pick him up and carry him to the horse, the dog, the goat or whatever.

Prevention will help reduce fear but cuddling is the best medicine in the moment of fear. One of our mothers wrote: “Our daughter, Amy, was terrified of thunderstorms, even as a toddler. When we first heard a storm coming, we learned to not wait until she woke up screaming, as it would take a long time for her to calm down. We went in to get her and would take her downstairs and rock her until the storm passed by, which they do quickly in the Midwest.” Whether it is intervention or calming solutions, nothing can beat the security of Dad or Mom’s arms in times of toddler fear.

Children often overcome their fears once they become acquainted with the object of fear. When they discover that the puppy next door is not chasing after them but rather running to play with them, fear takes leave and relief is experienced. In such cases parents must bridge faulty assumptions with reality. Bringing the dog over and playing fetch, thus showing your child that there is nothing to fear will help him overcome his apprehension. The more a child becomes acquainted with a fearful object the sooner he masters his fears by replacing it with accurate knowledge.

A warning of what not to do is appropriate here. Laughing at a child, scolding or criticizing him by calling him names like, “fraidycat” or telling the child “you’re not afraid” (unless he is really not afraid and this is a controlling technique on the part of the child) is not helpful and works to the child’s detriment. When a child is afraid, he has a reason for being afraid even though that reason seems completely unjustified from an adult’s perspective. Respect the child’s developing sense of fear but also realize that most fears are overcome in the normal process of growth. As a child lives and learns, he tends to view more and more of the unknown from a rational perspective and not a fearful one.

4. Educational Component of Correction: Lindsey, don’t splash your baby sister in the face,” Mom says, only to see Lindsey wander across the wading pool to her next victim. Splash. Splash. Mom is shocked and the shouting ensues. If only Mom had explained the real issue behind Lindsey’s first playful flick of water.

Correction requires explanation. Without the why (explanation) of wrong there is no correction, just a random redirection of behavior. Whether a child’s actions are innocent mistakes or malicious disobedience, explanatory teaching will always be necessary. The parent’s job is to give verbal explanation that moves the child from what he did this time to what he should do next time. Whatever the wrong behavior, use it to impart knowledge. If you complete your talk and learning didn’t take place, correction didn’t happen. Don’t be fooled. The reason five young children never picked unripened grapefruit again was not because they were severely punished (they weren’t), but because they were made to understand why their actions were wrong. Knowledge that they formerly did not have became the basis of their future self-restraint. Often, imparting knowledge is the only correction that needs to take place.

Children learn by gaining knowledge, but not all knowledge comes through textbooks or living room lectures. Sometimes we teach our kids what not to do by walking them through behaviors. In the Ezzos’ vegetable garden there is a series of brick walkways that children like to playfully weave through. Sometimes, however, little three-year-old feet mindlessly leave the path. Usually young children have no knowledge of plants underfoot. This child would not understand a lecture on the recovery rate of crushed cucumber stems. Education in this case is facilitated by hands-on learning—taking the child for a walk on the bricks, pointing out where he can step and where he cannot. Make the education you give age-appropriate. Just be sure to give it.

Children learn in a variety of ways. Sometimes the painful consequences associated with their actions become their tutors. Let’s say your child ignores your instructions to not exit the swing in midair. The resulting burn on his right thigh is a natural consequence. It teaches him the why behind your prohibition. Consider the behavioral explanation you give today to be a deposit on tomorrow’s behavior. Your goal is to transfer the motivation for right behavior from the external (you) to the internal (your child). That cannot happen without explaining to your child the why of behavior.

5. Parenting Your Child’s Emotions: “My two-and-a-half-year-old son doesn’t like it when I correct his four-year-old brother. He becomes sad because his brother is being taken away for correction and he will lose his playmate. “What should I do?” the mother asked. “I’m thinking it might be better if I didn’t correct my four-year-old if it makes my two-year-old sad.” Every child enters life with the propensities for both pleasant and unpleasant emotions. Most parents realize this truth and consequently attempt to find ways to make childhood a happy time for their offspring. Parents recognize that a happy child is a pleasure to be with, easier to teach, exhibits longer sustained periods of self-control and self-entertainment. But is happiness really the ultimate goal of parenting?

One of the greatest mistakes a parent can make however is attempting to parent a child’s emotions and not the child. Please note this distinction. We are not saying a child’s emotions are not important, but rather attempting to parent the single category of emotions is not the same thing as attempting to parent the whole child. Every child will experience both pleasant and unpleasant emotions. Hopefully, your child will know much more of the first than the second.

The experience of positive emotions, like joy, happiness, affection, esteem and the sense of discovery leads to feelings of security and confidence. This in turn helps the child face and properly react to the negative emotions of worry, jealousy, envy, fear, disappointment, anxiety, and frustration. But parenting to create all the right emotions and avoid all the negative emotions is both unwise and unhealthy. Such an approach holds the parents hostage. Everything is guess-work.

When you attempt to create all the right feelings you abandon other significant values necessary to raise a well-adjusted child. In our opening example, the mom was willing to put aside her four-year-old’s wrong behavior to satisfy the happiness of her two-year-old. She was willing to suspend a life needed lesson in virtuous self-control, a tool of life, for a momentary state of happiness.

If happiness is the highest value to offer children, then other “good” values such as honesty, compassion, self-control, self-entertainment, obedience, submission, and patience are all subservient. If there is a context that pits virtues with the emotion of happiness, then happiness must dominate. But the developmental fallout with this approach are numerous. The child that is pampered or shielded from unpleasant experiences is ill-prepared to meet the disappointments, frustration, and other unpleasant experiences that life brings. Parenting a single emotion or a range of common emotions is a poor substitute for parenting the whole child—his heart, his head and body, and emotions.

6. Proper Use of Rewards: Rewards are either tangible (a pack of gum) or intangible (a trip to the park). They are offered to reinforce behavior not to stimulate it. Verbal praise and encouragement will stimulate behavior, but the purpose of a reward is to confirm and reinforce behavior. Ryan’s mother might say, “Ryan, because you were so good in the store today, Mom wants to buy you a special treat.” This is an example of rewarding a child. She called attention to his good conduct in the store and showed her appreciation for it. Offering your children something in exchange for good behavior before you get to the store is a bribe not a reward. It is a manipulative appeal to the child’s lust of the flesh and eyes (1 John 2:16a). It is a bribe. Children should be rewarded for their obedience but not obedient for a reward.

7. Spanking: We do not believe the Bible commands spanking, but it commends it, starting in the Old and continuing in the New Testament (Proverbs 13:24, 22:15, 23:13-14, 29:15; Heb. 12:6, 11; 1 Cor. 4:21). We accept its validity because the wisdom literature affirms its use in conjunction with righteous training. Can a parent raise a well mannered and respectful child without spanking? Yes they can, but only when they pay due diligence to the process of moral training and creating a healthy otherness-centered environment.

8. Sibling Conflict How to Prevent It: When we consider the various brothers and sisters mentioned in the corridors of history, we can easily concluded that conflict between siblings is a natural occurrence. And it is. From Cain and Abel, Jacob and Esau, to your own siblings, conflict is the result of a human agent—mankind’s self-oriented propensities, desires and whims that often clash with those around us. With children conflict is not the result of differences with a sibling but a lack of maturity to handle those differences. This is where parents can and should make a difference.

Before taking up the subject of sibling conflict we must first speak of to the matter of sibling rivalry. The two are not the same. Sibling rivalry takes place when a child perceives that he is not loved, or loved as much, or is in danger of losing parental love. First, a child may act out to gain his parents’ attention. If that does not work, he will act up against his parents for attention and control.

Where as sibling rivalry is between child and parent, sibling conflict is between siblings. Some mistakenly believe that sibling conflict is a phase children will grow out of naturally. Not so. It is a moral challenge in need of instruction, encouragement and appropriate correction. What can a parent do to help minimized conflict within the home?

First, understand it. Know that although sibling conflict is frustrating for any parent to observe, the good news is, it is curable. Set your standards high. Strive for true sacrificial love among family members. Do not be satisfied with siblings who just tolerate each other but siblings who look out for the emotional and moral welfare of each other. How do you get there?
One
At the appropriate age, help your children learn how to resolve their own conflicts. Teach them early on that peaceably resolving their own conflicts is sometimes better than having Dad or Mom come and resolve them. Include in this strategy the rule of “no tattling.” Tattling does not resolve sibling conflict but extends them.

There is an old Hebrew proverb that reminds us: The first to present his case seems right, till another comes forward and questions him. Children bring reports to their parents about siblings for many reasons; some are legitimate, and others are not. The legitimate reasons include health and safety concerns or the honest desire for parental intervention and justice. With the latter, the child has learned that sometimes it’s better to consult a neutral mediator rather than escalate the conflict (by striking back at a sibling).

Actual tattling is when a brother or sister snitches for the sole purpose of getting another sibling in trouble. This is malice; the desire to see others receive pain. In the hierarchy of childhood crimes, this may be one of the worst offenses. Often, it is done in hopes of gaining both parental approval and assistance—approval for not being the one doing wrong, and assistance in gaining the upper hand on his sibling by bringing the matter to his parents’ attention.

Teach your children the difference between coming to you with legitimate concerns and coming to get a sibling in trouble. Humility and concern, not malice, was what prompted one sibling to report on another. Even then, they could not come unless they had first tried to get their sibling to stop whatever he or she was doing wrong before coming to Mom or Dad. It works well.

Two
Require verbal and physical kindness between siblings. Teach verbal and physical self-control. Give your children guidance in relation to their treatment of siblings and friends. These boundaries include restrictions on hitting, pushing, talking back, and a general lack of self-control. Take advantage of family times (such as at the dinner table or driving in the car) to model this. Take turns sharing what each one appreciates about another member of the family.

One common-sense rule is for children to keep their hands to themselves. If a sibling gets hit, rather than striking back, he must have the confidence to know that his parents will bring justice. The door of escape is not retaliation, but seeking out the one in charge, whether it be Mom at home or a teacher on the playground. Justice comes from rightly exercised authority and not a child who seeks revenge.

You have heard it said, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Your children should never speak rudely to each other. Evil intended remarks such as, “I don’t love you,” “You’re ugly,” or threats like, “I’m going to tell,” are unacceptable. Keep watch! Training children to restrain their unkind speech is one of the most overlooked areas in parenting.

Three
Teach your children how to respect each other. The following areas of training are often overlooked:

• llistening attentively to a brother or a sister
• responding with the basic courtesies and greetings such as, “Please,” “Thank you,” “Good Night,” “I’m sorry,” or, “Will you forgive me?”
• interrupting properly, with only one person speaking at a time
• sharing property that is reasonable to share
• being genuinely happy when something good happens to a sibling

Four
Encourage your children to be happy when something wonderful happens to a sibling or friend, such as when one receives an award, wins at a board game, or has an opportunity that the others do not have. Your constant encouragement in this area can make the difference between ongoing bickering between siblings and a peaceful home.

Another way this is realized is at a sibling’s birthday. You do not need to buy a gift for everyone attending the child’s party. That only robs the birthday child of his special day. It teaches the siblings to selfishly look forward to a day of gifts rather than a day of giving, celebrating the birth of a brother or sister.

Mothers will often say, “I don’t want anyone to feel bad because he didn’t get a gift.” But they will all receive a gift—each one on his own birthday. And if someone feels bad that he didn’t get a gift, that only tells you where that child needs some work—the virtue of contentment.

Five
Provide an environment that will encourage service to others. Take household chores, for example. Researchers from Toronto, Canada, and from Macquarie University in Australia studied children from families who were given daily chores and those who were not. Their research pointed toward some interesting conclusions.

Children who performed household chores showed more compassion for their siblings and other family members than children who did not share in family responsibility. Even more interesting was the fact that not all chores were considered equal. The kids who did family-care chores, like setting the table, feeding the cat, or bringing in firewood, showed more concern for the welfare of others than children who had only self-care responsibilities, such as making their own bed and hanging up their own clothes.

Whenever children participate in the care of others, they grow sensitive to human need. Include your children in helping to secure the welfare of your family. That may mean bringing in firewood every day after school, helping out with weeding the garden, or setting or clearing the table. Whatever it may look like in your home, include your children in the experience of daily serving others. Their joy in doing so may surprise even you.

9. Temper Tantrums: You cannot expect that a child will achieve maturity in emotional behavior any sooner than he will achieve maturity in other areas of development. How he controls and expresses his emotions is far more important than the fact that he merely controls or expresses himself. There are right ways to express feelings and wrong ways. Throwing temper tantrums is a wrong way. Temper tantrums often occur because the child in the past has successfully negotiated previous conflicts and found parental resolve not to be all it should. Oftentimes, parents simply do not know what to do and give up, allowing the behavior to gain strength.

To say that throwing temper tantrums is a normal phase of development that children will eventually outgrow only demonstrates a lack of understanding of childhood propensities. Without correction, the only event that is outgrown is the kicking and screaming. The attitude underlying the tantrum is still there. It will emerge again and again as long as parents treat only the symptoms and not the basic illness. The kicking and screaming in protest will later develop into more serious verbal and physical violations.

A temper tantrum is the ultimate rejection of parental authority. When a parent responds, the goal should not be to suppress a child’s emotions, but to help him gain self-control in moments of disappointment and learn the proper methods of expression. Without such training, he will eventually be brought under the dominance of his emotional impulses. As a result, others can easily take advantage of him. Proverbs 25:28 provides an ample warning, “Whoever has no rule over his own spirit is like a city broken down, without walls.” The word picture from this verse is clear. The person who has no control over his own spirit is one whose treasury (his mind) can easily be robbed.

10. Whining: Whining is an unacceptable form of communication that becomes annoying to the listener if left unchecked. Besides being obnoxious, it is often a subtle challenge to parental authority. Whining is a learned trait not a warning of deep-seated, emotional problems. There are two reasons why children attempt whining. First, they whine to protest an instruction or decision given by the parent. Because a young child will not dare to directly challenge his mother or father, he will attempt a half-cry whine. “I dooonn wannn tooo,” might be overlooked, while, “No, I won’t!” might bring immediate correction. The second reason children whine is the most basic reason of all—it works. Persistent and uncorrected whining can wear down the best of mothers. She may become frustrated enough to give in but not enough to correct the behavior.