Character Training

Biblical discipline consists of a number of essential principles and actions, some encouraging and some corrective. Various forms of encouragement that complement the biblical process include affirmation, goal incentives, praise, and rewards. The corrective side consists of verbal reproof, natural consequences, isolation, restrictions, loss of privileges, and chastisement. Each activity has purpose, meaning, and a legitimate place in the overall process.

2. Does and Don’t of Moral Training: Do’s and don’ts are both a part of moral training, but too often Christian families concentrate on the don’ts. While studying the child-rearing patterns in Christian families, we discovered that many parents are more preoccupied with suppressing evil in their children than elevating good. That is, when teaching moral principles, often parents will tell their children what is wrong and what not to do, rather than what is right and what they should do. Certainly, suppressing the waywardness of a child’s behavior is important, but when this is done in the absence of elevating good, ultimately you end up distorting what good really means.

Compounding the problem is the preeminence we place on training during moments of conflict. Think about it for a moment. Most parents tend to teach a moral lesson in periods of conflict when they tell their children what not to do, rather than in moments of non-conflict when they can direct their children in what to do. Negative moral training leaves a void that may cause serious moral compromise in the future. Because so much emphasis is placed on what to avoid and too little on what to do, the path to virtuous deeds is left highly undefined for the child. As a result, only the restraining half is internalized and not the half defining right living.

Restraining waywardness must be accompanied by instruction in righteousness and by encouragement in virtuous living (Proverbs 1:1-7, 8:33, 9:9; Micah 6:8). Both must be taught by parents if a child is to have a healthy perspective of right and wrong, and good and evil. For example, a child taught the skill of empathy, that is, being sensitive to how other people feel in situations, has a stronger basis for future behavior than one merely taught to control his anger. Teaching our kids to do deeds of kindness is greater than teaching them not to be unkind. Restraining evil has to be balanced by elevating good. Moral restraint and moral assertiveness are two sides of the same coin. Both are needed in the training process.

3. Helping Children Internalize Values: Internalize Values? Parents are in a position of great influence when it comes to helping their children internalize godly values. But how is that goal best achieved? We know this; it is not enough to teach your children how to act morally; you must also teach them how to think morally. To accomplish that goal, you need to think in accordance with biblical values. Moral thought is a prerequisite to the process of raising a morally responsible child.

A major reason children do not internalize values is because parental instruction too often lacks moral reason. By that we mean mothers and fathers often tell their children what to do, but don’t tell them why they should do it. That distinction must be emphasized, because knowing how to do right and knowing why to do right are definitely two different things. The first speaks to moral action, the second to moral principle. Many children know how to apply moral law, but not as many know the why behind it. When they go to church, children are told how to act; when they go to school, they are told to obey; when they go to grandma’s house, they are told how to behave. Thus, a greater emphasis is placed on the how-to’s than the why-for’s. As a result, some children reach adulthood appearing to be moral on the outside but lacking morality on the inside. They know how to respond in different circumstances only because they have been trained to the circumstance, not because they understand the moral principle.

Here is a word of caution. When we say parents should provide a “why” in their instructions, we don’t mean parents are obligated to provide an explanation for every decision or instruction on demand. There will be times when the explanation, “Because Mommy said so,” is enough. This is especially true in the toddler years. But from three years of age and up, parental instruction should become more characterized by the inclusion of the moral and practical reasons why they should do what we tell them.

4. The Moral Mandate of Scripture: What is the moral mandate of Scripture? It requires looking for and responding to the preciousness of those outside of self. That response is not at the expense of self but in harmony with self (Proverbs 3:3-4); it is living out a manner of life that reflects Christ in us (John 13:34-35; Philippians 2:3-5). Jesus was other-oriented and set the ethical standard for the “one-anothers” of Scripture. We are to follow His example by ordering our behavior in accordance with the preciousness of others. We must consider those who come behind us, who stand at our sides, and who go in front of us. That is what biblical ethics is all about. It is a rational preoccupation with the concerns of those around us—a love God, love our neighbor sensitivity (Mark 12:28-31; 1 John 4:19-21). Behavior not based on biblical values is not reflective of God

5. The Working of the Conscience: How does the human conscience work? The Bible does not offer a detailed explanation of its activities, but it does hint at them indirectly. What we do know, we have pieced together from various passages. The terms that we have chosen to describe those truths are attempts to accurately represent scriptural intent.

From Scripture, we know there are basic elements of spiritual substance stamped on the conscience of every man and woman (Romans 1:18-21). Those elements make up what we are labeling as the primary conscience. Primary refers to that which is initial, rudimentary, and basic. In Romans 2, the apostle Paul speaks to this in his discussion about the Gentiles. He noted that, although the Gentiles had no codified law from God, they acted as if they had. It was, in fact, written on their hearts. “For when Gentiles who do not have the law by nature do the things in the law, these although not having the law, are a law to themselves; who show the works of the Law written in their hearts, their conscience also bearing witness, and between themselves their thoughts accusing or else excusing them” (Romans 2:14-15). That portion of the conscience is common to all men and women. It is not instinct but a pre-knowledge given by God.

We also know there is a trainable portion of the conscience. David refers to this second aspect in Psalm 119:11, “Thy word have I hid in my heart that I might not sin against Thee.” David took God’s righteous precepts and put them in his heart that he might keep from offending God. We have labeled this portion the moral conscience. While the primary conscience is pre-stamped by God, the moral conscience needs training.

The primary conscience is part of man from birth. It is God’s thumbprint of ownership, along with other elements of spiritual substance (Romans 2:14-15). The apostle Paul was appealing to that reality in Romans 2. His point was that, even without the law, God endowed man with a basic sense of right and wrong.12 Even the Gentiles who did not have God’s law had that sense. It was evident from their consciences bearing witness to an innate sense of right and wrong. In the words of the apostle Paul, “They are without excuse” (Romans 1:20). Paul reinforces the idea of accountability in Romans 1:20 by pointing out that creation itself reveals the existence of the Creator. No one can plead ignorance. The primary conscience, then, reflects the reality of God’s existence.

More central to our discussion is the moral conscience. This is the trainable portion of man’s conscience. During the training process, parents need to stay mindful of how easy it is to weaken the conscience or wrongly train it. A child’s conscience can be insensitive, hardened, and uncaring. Therefore, parents must pay attention, not only to what truth is imparted to the child, but also how it is imparted. The Word of God and a godly example are two requirements necessary for the establishment of a healthy conscience.

While the primary conscience appears to provide the inborn sense of right and wrong, the moral conscience provides the learned standards of right and wrong. Jesus gave us several examples of how to apply the law to standards governing the heart. For example, Exodus 20:14 says, “You shall not commit adultery.” But Jesus said, “Whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). A natural sense (or capacity) of right and wrong without the aid of revelation will produce moral inadequacy. If the moral values and standards do not come from the Word of God, then what you are placing in your child’s heart is not Christian.

6. Training Initiative into Children: Initiative is the only legitimate and ethical way to get ahead. Children operate on one of four levels of initiative.

1. Self-Generated Initiative: The highest and most desirable level of initiative is self-generated initiative. At this level, a child responds to needs without prompting or instruction. When Nathan saw the laundry basket filled with clean clothes, he began to separate his personal items, fold them, and put them away so Mom or Dad did not have to do it later. For a younger child, it may be as simple as putting away a toy left out after playtime. When a child responds to needs without prior instruction, parents should give plenty of verbal and physical affirmation. In addition to affirming the child, parents may choose to reinforce the behavior with a reward. It need not and should not be big or expensive. What the child finds value in is the appreciation that the reward represents.

2. Prompted Initiative: The second level of initiative is called prompted initiative. At this level, a child responds promptly, but he receives instruction first. Borrowing from our example above, Nathan’s mom instructs him to gather his clean clothes, fold them, and put them away. The request is met with, “Yes, Mom,” and his little feet hustle off to do as told. Level two is characterized by right action and attitude. Attitude is important. The attitude with which your child accepts instructions is a benchmark determining the extent to which he respects your authority and headship. Parents can force action, but they need to mold attitude. There are tasks we all wish we did not have to do. That is true with our children as well. The challenge is this: With what attitude do I accept my share of responsibilities? A child does not need to bubble over with enthusiasm when asked to take out the trash, but his attitude should represent the acceptance of responsibility associated with being a family member.

3. Forced Initiative: The third level of initiative is called forced initiative. At this level, Nathan responds to instructions in a delayed fashion with murmuring. Outwardly, he is standing up to go fold his clothes, but he is sitting down on the inside. Level three is characterized by the right action but the wrong attitude. What difference is there in attitude between levels two and three? Although the job gets done, it is done under protest. Unfortunately, many parents reward their children for getting the job done, but do not consider the child’s attitude. If a parent rewards a child for behavior only, the child will most likely stay at level three initiative. Level three requires a parent’s full attention and correction.

4. Suppressed Initiative: The fourth and lowest level of initiative is called suppressed initiative. After receiving his instruction, Nathan played with his train set in his room instead of sorting his clothes and putting them away. He totally ignored his mother’s instruction and found another pursuit. Level four is characterized by wrong actions and wrong attitude. Unfortunately, the parents themselves often encourage this behavior. Rather than dealing with the child’s disobedience, Mom gives up by folding and putting away the clothes for him. The reason for her actions is simple. Doing the task herself is much easier and faster than getting her child to do it. This decision also avoids conflict. The problem with her action is that it reinforces the child’s disobedience and teaches the child that if he waits long enough, someone else will do it for him!

At which level of initiative is your child working? At what level do you live? Prompted initiative is very good; self-generated is better and should be the goal to which every parent strives. What parental response will help motivate the child to the first level of initiative? Rather than giving rewards for instructions carried out, parents should always affirm the child with either a hug or word of encouragement expressing satisfaction with the child’s behavior. Verbal and physical affirmation goes a long way when a child knows his actions please his parents. When your child senses how pleased you are, he is more prone to accept additional responsibility freely. That in turn motivates him toward level one behavior.